Thank you. I'm really starting not like her myself. She does have high expectations which I think are important as far as what will be expected of her in school. I'm just trying to figure out if she's just 3 or if I'm getting defensive. Which I have a strong tendency to do. Either way, I want what's best for her, but I tried googling it and I think it just made things worse. So I finally took the time to pen this out to some people who I can trust to tell me straight up if I'm being defensive or if she is just actually acting like a 3 year old.

Yes she does tell lots and lots of stories. But when that was the issue she was told that "lying is not okay". It took a couple of weeks but we talked about what lying is and the difference between telling a story and lying. She told DCP that my sister took all of her toys and I yelled at her for it. My sister has not been here in months so I don't know where that came from. I also noticed that if she is allowed to watch Frozen, she is much more moody and doors start getting slammed because if you ask me, Elsa is a broody biotch. So we have also had to pay very close attention to what she watches because she repeats it.

That is what SO is saying. I do know that this particular provider is burning out. She recently cut her class size down to 1/2 of what it was and she asked to keep BD which was surprising to me, given all this I figured she'd be the first to get cut.

That is what my SO says. He's peeved that in one of the many lectures I received over the year that if I'm not working BD should be at home with me because I ran into her husband at the grocery store while I was between meetings trying to grab a couple of missing ingredients for dinner while I had time to kill and I was right there.

Well, as a step mom there is a pretty sizable difference between complaining about skids and complaining about your own. Often times the step parent's concerns are not validated, not taken seriously or told they're over stepping. With my own kid, I do get a say in how these situations get handled-hell I'm responsible for handling them. 90% of the reason people vent here about their skids behaviors is because they're often powerless to change it because their DH is a Disney Dad and Bio Mom is a "GUBM". That's not quite the case here.

My biggest issue with BD is dicipline-hands down-no doubt. But it's not for lack of trying, and we do consistently dicipline her, time outs, bedroom time, corner, she has been spanked for egregious behavior-but we haven't found a solid "currency" as you say that sticks with her. I have also tried positively reinforcing her when she's not misbehaving. I feel like her currency is an ever moving, ever changing target. Which is what I'm having a lot of trouble with. From what I can understand with DCP, she's experiencing the same thing in not so many words.

And as far as comparing her to other kids, I don't. I don't even know anything about the other kids-it's DCP that says well this one can do this and this one does that and BD doesn't do "___" but these kids are also a year or two older than BD. I don't like that SHE compares them. Suggesting new things to try with BD, letting me know what works for her and what not would be wonderful, but that's not what she does. It's a lecture. I don't need to be lectured about how the quiet vanilla kids walk on water because they're easy. I also refuse to tame the spirit of my child. I also don't appreciate the assumptions that she makes that many of these lectures entail. She also lays on thick guilt trips that my BD is there with her until 5 when all the other kids are picked up by 2-3 o'clock. My work hours are 9-5. Just because I work based at home does not mean I'm not working. And no I can't pick her up sooner. I have a full time, work from home, real-world job.

While some of what he says and much as if what you say I do see as valid, it's all in the delivery. I'm a social worker, I give people advise every day. I know there is a way to go about it and a way to be come off as a hyper critical asshat. I feel like her approach needs work, but I listen because I know if I wade through some of it I might find some good info. So that's what I do. But it's super not helpful as a working mother of two kids one of which is disabled to constantly be under cut like this by someone who has never stepped a foot in my home. That's why I came here for some outside perspective, so thank you for that.

I'm going to try to cut back, I actually have off loaded quite a bit as compared to a year ago, but my job is changing, so that's going to take more attention, BD's behavior is in the tank, so that's going to take more attention. I've seriously considered hiring a cleaning lady as my gift to myself with some of the left over tax return money because I am anal about my house and I can't do all of it. SS's state funded services should also be getting off the ground soon which will be a huge help with keeping him doing what he needs to do to get caught up in the areas he's lacking. But until then, I'm a one woman team. Me and all my friends in my head that is.

Well that's what I've been trying to gauge with this DCP if she really doesn't like BD. But at the same time, BD does need strict boundaries and she does need to comply.

The other thing that I found interesting is that for a while I was getting reports of BD being mean to the other kids. I found this odd, as she is VERY much a people person. She can also be a little bossy and controlling at times, so we have to remind her that if she wants to play by herself she can, but if she is playing with someone she can't control what their doll is saying to her doll. Then, I learned from another parent at the daycare that there was a little boy who would taunt BD about how his mommy is coming to get him first and his mommy loves him more. When I asked DCP about it she said "oh yes that does happen and he goes in timeout for it and is spoken to" which is all well and fine, but once you put her behavior towards this boy in context it makes more sense.

We already do all of those things and that's what doesn't seem to be being understood. She doesn't get away with anything. The doctor has told us to be consistent and not give up (which I can't imagine doing that) and stick with it. We do discipline her, we are consistent. I worked Ina children's psychiatric hospital, I know what structure and predictable consequences can do for a child. The problem is, we DO all of these things and it doesn't matter. I have tried everything I know how to do at this point.

I really do like the video idea. I will see if she will do it.

For Christmas I actually bought BD a Melissa and Doug responsibility chart. It had great reviews online and was the result of my trying to problem solve my current situation and gauge whether or not I needed to contact a doctor or EI.

I let DCP know that I had done this and I wanted to coordinate with her a way to communicate whether or not BD actually earns her smile magnet for the goal day. I work with the ID/DD population so in my world structure that spans both home and Day Hab is key. I wanted to work with her on this and she told me no, there are daycare rules at daycare and home rules at home.

So I was just WTF then.

I also bought her STEM toys that are supposed to support listening and following instructions because that is definitely a weak spot for my strong minded cherub. I also bought her some toys that will help her release so much of this energy that she has, but the problem there is I could take her outside in the snow all day and it doesn't touch her as far as being tired goes. She moves a mile a minute and the only movie I've seen her stand still and watch was Boss Baby and that's the first time since she was like 1 that this has happened.

If BD does something bad at Daycare she does have consequences when she gets home because I will not undercut or undermine DCP. I think that she has good skills with kids, however I think her skills with grown adults are a little shady and she gets self-righteous. Usually the convos start out constructive, but then she switches gears into self-righteous mode and that's when I get frustrated with her and things go south for me. I do not want to tame the spunk out of BD, but please understand that I do value the need to follow rules and conform to certain standards. There's a time and a place for rebellion. It's not with your grapes during lunch.

I think the log is a great idea.

dup.

Oh I'm totally sensitive and that's what I'm trying to keep in check. I don't blame her for any of this by any means, my best friend is a 2nd grade teacher to a group of kids who within the first week, their parents had lawyers involved because the kids were so bad and disruptive and the parents blamed her. My BFF is pretty much in tears on my floor every weekend. I am determined not to be THAT parent.

DCP is not responsible for BD's behavior, I am primarily, however DCP doesn't need to constantly criticize and belittle me when I try explain what we do at home and develop a plan to work with her on it which is what these conversations turn into. She cuts me off before I finish speaking, she speaks over me, she is generally only interested in what she has to say. When really, she has no idea what it is I go through or what I do with BD at home.

But what really gets me, is the over dramatic delivery of these communications, you'd swear that my daughter slaughtered a cat in the back yard, when really, she was asked to pick up, and went back to playing-her behaviors there seem to be more of non-compliance/non conformity rather than here at home which are outbursts and yelling along with the non-compliance. Which are bad and do need to be addressed just without the accompanying Broadway musical and basically telling me I'm not doing my job at home. When I do try, very hard, to make sure that BD is disciplined when necessary and does have age appropriate responsibilities.

I just had a chat with our ped's phone nurse. Her pediatrician is a child magician, so I have an appointment next week for observation/to discuss with him how best I should go about channeling her strengths without quashing them. And getting her to comply.