"How Much Do I Owe You?"
Asks DH before Xmas.
"Let's talk about it after the holiday," Says I.
Last night, "Can you please let me know how much I owe you?"
"Right now?"
"Please."
"...OK, let me get my list..." (Because yes, I itemize)
"2,xxx"
DH: "What? How is it so high?"
"After you gave me a big payment in Oct, here's what I had to cover. You are aware that if I ask for your half of the payment because you don't give me the $ soon enough (Visa, house fix it loan) I have to cover 100% of it and that's why it goes higher fast."
DH: "But what's this and this?"
"Part of the grocery cost for those trips where I don't have your card and it's a huge trip, like hundreds of dollars for the household."
DH: "This doesn't include my insurance cost?"
"No, I don't ask that you pay me back for your premium, only the SDs (and those re-payments are all caught up)."
DH (still flabbergasted): "But I buy a lot of groceries too, and cover the cable/wi-fi."
"Yes, you do. And I also go to the store on a regular basis and don't ask you for all of it, just the big trips where I have to buy over and above for the household. I also have paid for house fixes out of my own pocket."
DH then reverts back to the fact that HE buys a LOT of groceries.
"I'm not saying you don't - but you have to realize I ALSO go to the store. If you note, since Oct, there's only three large trips for which I am asking for some funds back; if I have to buy special things for the SDs because they will only eat x, y, and z that's not my problem."
DH, "I'm not upset, I just have let things get out of control on my end and I want to solve this." Then reverts back to me asking for grocery money...because he pays for the cable/wi-fi.
"DH, I get that, but YOU wanted the expanded cable package, not me. YOU and SD14 are the ones that NEED wi-fi and use it all day all the time. I also pay 50% of the mortgage for a house I don't need so YOU AND THE GIRLS have a home (I left out the fact, for now, that the down payment was 100% mine and I've not asked for a penny of that) and pay for 50% of the utilities...You also don't know that the first year we moved in here and several other times(when he was working less AND the past summer when he CHOSE to work less) I've HAD to cover the grocery cost to the hundreds a month."
DH, "Yes, that's reasonable and I'm sorry for this. I think we should talk more about this, this weekend."
"That would be fine, if we need to re-look at the expenses split let's do that and discuss it."
He's coming from a good place BUT the pressure is on him b/c he's not good with finances, he makes impulsive purchases, doesn't take care of things so they break often or get lost, and he has a big trip for SD14 he and BM agreed to let her take with her 8th grade class for which the bill is due. I know where he's coming from but I'll be darned if I'm going to be talked into paying for MORE at this point, esp. if he doesn't allow me some control/say over how the house is managed - since I do most of the cleaning and cooking that needs, IMHO, to be a part of the convo.
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Yeah, I'm thinking DH is
Yeah, I'm thinking DH is having a realization moment.
I never once told him I'd cover 100% of what he couldn't wouldn't and what I refused to hold the burden of. He knows I keep track and I don't hide the list. He can look at it any time.
I think these men never learned how to handle money in the first place.
Thrown into the great wide world at the age of XX and parents who didn't teach.
DH was today going to get a bank account active for SD14.
?? Don't know if it happened.
He asked me this morning, "Do you think it's right to do it?"
Me, "YES DH! I've been telling you this since she was TEN. BOTH SDs need an account in fact! Jeez!"
EDIT: No, he didn't open an account. He said he'll wait until January.
I am the bill payer and
I am the bill payer and budgeter in our household, it amazes me what DH think things cost and to watch him get all flustered and upset when he sees what things really cost.
Exactly! DH was appalled at
Exactly! DH was appalled at the grocery cost once I stopped footing the bill for all SDs food.
I made him get the majority of food on their weeks with us.
He's like, the bill was over $100! Yes, I know!
Yup, I've never understood
Yup, I've never understood how men are so horrible with finances!!! My DH and I have separate accounts, and we have 1 joint account...the joint account is for all the bills. Rent, electric, cable, whatever. His account is for gas and ecig liquid and mcdonalds or whatever he wants to use his money for. My account is for groceries and what I don't use for groceries, I can use for whatever I want. (Only he works though and I get less than half the amount of money he does for "whatever" usage than he does.)
His account is also SUPPOSED to be for extras for SD, but he's incapable of saving money, so he always has to ask me for money (taken from bills account or groceries) to give to Hex for whatever. I've finally started a savings account just for SD (Hex) for whenever Hex "needs" money. (She makes sure to threaten to take him back for more CS every time even though he's more than happy to give it to her.)
Maybe if your DH made it so that some of his paycheck automatically went into your account to cover expenses for SDs, that would work better?
We have one joint account for
We have one joint account for house expenses which we put a fixed amount into and then our own separate accounts. This works well. Except when he buys too many things and runs out of money.
:?
It sounds like he needs a
It sounds like he needs a more visual and frequent tally of the money he owes you. There are probably apps that will do something like that.
Tried that. Failed. I have
Tried that. Failed.
I have offered numerous times to go over his personal bills with him and set him a specific $ amount he needs to set aside for himself each month and then how much to pay on each bill per month so it's stable. It's what I do and it works. But I was also raised by a father who was in banking finance and started a bank account when I was 10.
I offered again last night to sit down and help him.
I was also correct, SD14s big 8th grade trip expense is the cause of all this. It's several thousands of dollars (don't even get me started on how insane the whole trip is in the first place) and DH and BM agreed to split the cost. Now he's worried BM will renig somehow. He also wants SD14 to pay a certain amount - i.e. she'll have to get some kind of babysitting or yardwork job this spring (the horror! so I don't fully believe this...I think she'll refuse and let the trip go just so she doesn't have to work). DH did however say that if anything falls through he'll cut his losses and NOT pay 100% of the cost. An actually wise decision!
My DH tried to convince me he
My DH tried to convince me he should replace his cornhole bags (he left them out, his dog chews, he found them... Mine just digs, lol) by buying an entirely new cornhole set so he could use the bags out of it...
I swear they don't understand money some days, this is why we have a strict budget and he has basically an allowance right now... Because he makes impulsive purchases like your DH... Or will forget bills...
Hang in there! I know it's frustrating and stressful as he!!.