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A Few Small Victories, I'm Haapy!

mtnwife530's picture

First of all, I had mentioned before I thought maybe, DH got it,FINALLY!
It finally got through, that he needs to set boundries with OSD42. Telling him what he can or can't do. Pushes him into doing what she wants with emotional black using her kids! He actually see's she does it because he has let and realizing how out of line it is.
A big point of contention ( and actually causing nightmares fo me) is that I want it made clear that if he passes before ( chances are he will with the 16yr age difference) that his Ex is NOT welcome at his funeral. Why would she come in the first place???? She probably wouldn't on her own, BUT OSD42 somehow gets her siblings and BM to "just go along with" what SHE wants. And I'm sure she would pull an "but, I need you mother" crap. What makes me think that? First, I had mentioned this to DH a while back, that I didn't want his ex there and he said, "OSD or the others(3) might need her" BU_LSH_T! The youngest is 34 not 4! or even 14.
Second, I recently had a chance to talk to SS-IL (OSD's DH) about this. He said " Ohhh, I don't know?! DW might need her BM" I told that was insane and not an option. He told he thought it might cause me problems with the siblings , since we both knew they all would side with her, which is true, but I really didn't and don't care. But I am determaned to stand my ground on this!
So, last week I decided to bring this up in front of the therapist,hehehe. She told him that it was not an unreasonable request, and since is obviously, this very important to me, the right thing to do is honor my request and him forwarn his DD not to ask BM to come but he must put it accross to her as HIS wish not mine> DH said that might be difficult for him to do bc she knows him so well. The therapist told him to think of it this way, "It's a sure bet that DW will be an emotional wreak, and having BM there will make me uncomfortable and even more upset" he agreed. Then she said "do you want the wife you have, and that you love, to have to deal with all the extra drama and turmoil, when you could do something about it and save her from it? he said no (lucky for him,lol. The she pointed out that " so it is your wish to save her from the unwelcome intrusion, you want to save your DW extra heartache, so it really is your wish"
And he actually agreed!!! I SHOULD THROW A PARTY!!
I realized no matter the circmstance, talking your child (grown or not) about your death isn't easy and finding a way to bring it up will be a challenge. And any "death talk" is difficult enough since OBS's death even if it was 20yrs ago. Something no parent should have to go through. His ashes were buried in the fairly recently established Veteran's Cemetary an hour from us, 2 yrs ago. Selfish Ex BM hadn't said a word about her claiming the spot right behind their son. She could do it(either parent could) bc he hadn't married and had no kids himself.
Anyway, I felt pretty good knowing he'd inform his precious poopsie not to bring her BM, but felt bad at the same time. It kept me awake most of that night, I kept going over it in my head. Then it hit me! We see all these comercials about pre-planning for funerals and papers so you can say exactly what you do and don't want as your final wishes, so why not just have him do one of those and state that fact in writing?!!!! But, he would have to handwrite it in (not fill in sign,print) so she would know it wasn't me just saying it, it came from him! The next morning, I sugested it to him, he thought it was a GREAT idea! He even added, we'll make 4 copies and give each of the skids there own copy now insted of waiting til, well, you know. Ding, DING We have a WINNER! I found the templete on line and printed it out. They wont get full copies bc he can put some info in that's none of their business, but give each of them a copy so they can't say they didn't know! Sometimes, he amazes me! So, that's the plan for that!
And since we did manage to get an invite from DIL TB and get to avoid the chaos of dealing all the skids + DH's & DW's,sgkids, and BioFreak we can look forward to Thanksgiving for a change. I'm guessing actually giving the skids the papers won't be for at least a month bc #1 he hasn't fill them out yet. and #2 we think he should give them to them all at the same time so we do get a string of crazy phone calls! He'll tell them, that they can open them at the time they recieve them, or later, whatever they want to do it, Hey it;s final wishes, not his will!
Dh has told me next time he see's his ODD, he is just going to put out randomly to her, that he'll have a cocktail anytime he wants to weather she likes it or not!!!! Here's to MFT!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments

Acratopotes's picture

I do not see a problem if an X comes to the funeral.... really , maybe because we might be doing our funerals differently..

On Mars, any one can come to the church service, you do not even have to know the person, and every one can follow to the grave, but the gathering after the funeral at a home is only for family members, no one else, ...

Thus Aergia can bring her mommy one day, I would not care the least bit, they will not sit in the front row, that's only for wife, parents and siblings, not children.... and Aergia and mummy will not be invited to the gathering...

strugglingSM's picture

I'm of the same view. If BM wants to come to support SSs, that's fine. She can sit in the back, she better not say a word to me, and she can skip the post-church events. Of course, easy for me to say this, since I know it won't happen. BM would only come if she thought there was something in it for her - like money or recognition from DH's family.

Also, I'd be the one making all the arrangements, so if SSs have a problem and think their mom should sit at the front, well, too bad.

DH actually wants part of his ashes to be scattered at his family cabin (where part of his father's ashes were scattered), so BM would have to be pretty bold to come right on in to a family gathering there. He said he'd like the other part of his ashes to be buried wherever I choose to be buried, which will be closer to my family. BM is not going to pay to travel for any funeral.

SacrificialLamb's picture

This is a lot of turmoil over a future death. I hope it doesn't make your DH feel bad that you are putting so much emotional energy into whether BM is there or not. Is he ill, which is why this is such a prominent subject?

I too have an OSD42 and was interested into hear in what ways your DH was starting to see the light, but this morphed into DH's eventual funeral and BM. I don't want to think about DH's death; I love having him alive.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I agree, I wouldn't want the ex there in any way shape or form... Mostly because when I'm emotional I don't hold my tongue... And I've wanted to punch the grin off her face for so long it might happen, and a fist fight at DH's funeral may not be the best thing... Even if it's a short one, that I'd win fairly easy...

However I guess what I'm confused about is, why are we arguing this? Is DH dying or dead?... Because honestly I HATE to even think of DH dying, and personally I don't think an ex should go to the ex's funeral, but let's be honest, you can't just magically fix it if she does... And do you really want to be the person causing a scene to get rid of her when you're trying to commemorate your DH's life? So if she comes whatever, just don't give her the time of day and use the time and thought instead on your DH. I don't know why it was brought up, but short of hiring bouncers for the funeral, idk how you'd even enforce that without ruining the focus for your DH.

Blue Moon's picture

As the wife (or widow), you can exclude anyone you want from the salon. You can tell the people at the salon that so and so isn't welcome. They're used to this king of thing.

fairyo's picture

I seem to recall OP has a DH with a deceased son and there were issues with his ex about where he was buried so maybe it is a sensitive issue with the family.
I am fully in favour of speaking to family members about death and funeral arrangements, and these wishes can be included in the will.
For myself, I wouldn't give a flying fig who came to my funeral or not. In Fairyland anyone is welcome to the service and the graveside though most people are sensitive and discreet regarding this- maybe I only know nice people!
When DH goes OSD is his executor and I will hand the control over arrangements to her. That might seem odd to some. I would fully expect BM to be there. I will attend my exes funeral when the time comes for my children's sake and because the past cannot be undone, but it can be accepted. I feel this is not a time for bitterness and opening old sores, but maybe I'm a bit weird.

Tiger7's picture

My SO made me promise not let his ex wife come to his funeral whenever that time comes. After seeing that woman in action, I totally agree. She tries to make EVERY situation about her. I will not be able to tolerate the phony crying and her walking down memory lane. All I would have to do is tell his sisters and 2 cousins and they would see to it that she isn't allowed in. On the other hand, my ex and I are close so it wouldn't be a problem for me or him and our families.

mtnwife530's picture

Thank you all for your responses.

No, DH is not ill, and that's one reason we want to deal with this now, so no one (and by no one I mean OSD42) can say he didn't know what he was saying. And Yes,his DS passed away just over 20 yrs ago, he was 24. He got very sick while serving in Desert Storm, and passed a few months after returning. From Memorial Day thru Labor Day there were 8 deaths of people we knew (at one point 3 in 5 days) some we were close to( my uncle) some, not so much( his ex's dh) but the shere number was unsettling. And there's really no arguement, But I know OSD42 has no consideration of my feelings or opinion and wants her BM around for everything. As I have said in other post, OSD42 has went as far as planning "family vacations where she wanted to put BM in the same room with DH and me!! Of course that never happened but she doesn't see anything wrong with that. DH and his son were VERY close especially after the divorce even though DS was deployed. DH was extreamly hurt by the ex claiming the spot behind their son, it's not so bad now that he is recieving his VA, he hadn't claimed them then, which means he can at least be in the same cemetary,so he feels a little better about it, with the added bonus that I'll have the site behind him! DH agree's that I shouldn't have to deal with BM during that time, he just didn't know how, or when to tell OSD42. DH and his ODS were very close especially after the divorce even though DS was deployed.
His youngest is 35 they all have SO's, DH's, DW's, ect. and kids plus aunts uncles cousins. I have this crazy idea that they could use each other for support! for that 3 or 4 hours. Bm would't be shedding phoney tears , there would be no tears at all. Things like this don't affect her, her 3rd DH passed, both parents and MIL, and her attitude is always, "Well, that's just the way life goes. Everybody dies at some point."
I already knew he wanted cremation, and now he can at least be in the Veteran Cenetary where his son is, and the service will be at the on site chaple. It's not that DH wants BM, he just didn't want to deal with telling OSD42 not to ask her BM to attend with her.
Now, he has finally figured out just how much influence and control OSD42 HE has allowed her to have, and the HE is the only one who can put the brakes on, and back her down. I'm a believer now MFT does work, the biggest challenge is getting them to go. This is such a relief for BOTH of us, He makes a statement backing me up, and he gets to avoid the face to face with OSD42, but we know she might loudly voice opposition,too bad. At least They ALL will know what DH has to say about it and she won't be able to twist it around.

mtnwife530's picture

Another point I have to make is when DS31 was 15 and on visitation during summer break biojerk OD's in the house with ds,ds's 1/2 brother (10 at the time) and my son's cousin (then 16). They were in a bedroom playing video games and had no clue anything was wrong until the heard SM scream when she came home and found him.
DS called me the next morning, wasn't quiet sure if it were true, but it was. I didn't even think of going there or that DS needed or wanted me there. But, I did send flowers, When SM brought DS home, see thanked me and said it was thoughtful.
I'm glad I sent them and DS continued to go to visit her and 1/2 brother. he visits them to this day and he lives 200 miles away.

mtnwife530's picture

OT of my thread,

But I'm having a hard time relating to a few things a lot of people say. Like "go do somrthing you enjoy" "go out with your girlfriends" "go have fun yourself" or the "work on your hobbie".

I know, it probably sounds weird , but, the things I enjoy are either seasonal, expensive,or require more time than I would have. I have a few Good friends....that live a few hundred miles away, or are tied down at home, so to speak. As for "go have fun yourself" nothing is much fun alone. And living in the area that I do, it's not like I could take a class, go wander the mall (not that I would do that anyway :sick: ) Volunteering might be an option if 1) didn't have to drive at least 20 miles one way. 2) if the hospital was allowed more than 5 beds 3) If I was young enough ,the Fire Department is always low on volunteers.
And work on a hobbie? I don't even know where to begin on that one. On occassion I see a sewing project to try. Late spring thru summer sometimes try a garden, without much success, (the growing season is to short) Tried my hand at building a greenhouse, but materials were expensive, I can't start the chain saw by myself, I'm not strong enough to use the hand saw. Sure, DH would help, to the point it would end up being his project.
A while back I had a chance to get back in a stock car at the county track, but I broke my wrist, and by the time it healed my brother had another driver. I don't like to go to the gun range alone ( no one to see how I do. And yes, it's just there up a dirt road, has area for hand guns, riffles, and shot guns, a tournement every other month) and I can go through a lot of ammo in a short time, and it's not cheap! I have fishing alone.
I can't relate to people get woke up by cell phones at night. I don't get service at home and even when I'm away and do get service, I turn it off when I go to sleep. I guess you can see by the time, I must be pretty bored, so much so I can even sleep. I'll try a few more straight shots and see if that does the trick! }:)