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IT's that time of year again! The holidays! Sorry it's kinda long :-(

momagainfor4's picture

I haven't posted in a few years. That's bc sd hasn't visited our home in almost 3 years. Pretty much it's all been visiting here and there where convenient for her. I haven't been super happy with that mostly bc it affects by SO and really upsets him that this his daughter has kicked him to the curb. Even after every slight to him, he still kisses her butt and her mom's. He doesn't know how to not be a doormat.
Recently these 3 things have come up!
1) College-
she's a senior at a private school paid for by her mom's mom. it's an expensive high school, one of those college prep places.
She should be coming out of hs with 24 college credits like most students. she's not. she is barely getting into college bc she has low testing scores (only took act). Mom has asked SO if he's willing to help with college. He agreed as long as she's making good grades. He suggested a junior or community college to start with. Nope, sd is looking to go straight to a mediocre school that parties. Aren't we all? hahaha!! I told him we will not being giving her money directly. It'll be going to straight to whatever the expense is. Not just cash every month. I can spend that money on beer and eating out just as well. She's 18 now so as soon as she graduates high school, his cs will stop. That's like a raise to us. I work from home so that would be fantastic for us! Pay off some debts. sd doesn't need his money. Her grandma is loaded. Everything will be totally paid for. Anything for us would be icing on the cake or going to pay for $300 shoes and $500 purses and keg parties.
2) The holidays-
this brat has seen her dad for a total of about 36-48 hours the entire year. He saw her for 2 hours last in june. She refuses to text or talk to him at any length. She's a teen so she never has any time for him at all. None. Plus she just got a car over the summer so he's toast basically. But recently, I told my SO after his daughter once again refused a suggested visit. She's soooooo busy. That he better make it clear that he's not giving money to a stranger for college. She needs to kiss up and get him in her life a little or that's going to be a big no to me. Plus wtf you want someone's money but you can't spare him a few mins for dinner out?
OH BUT NOW... princess must've just realized that it's almost xmas again. She's so up his ass on text this week it ain't funny! Daddy this and daddy that!! OH guess what, I can come for a visit on the first week of december. the one free weekend we have before the end of the year but hey, sure. We'll spend it entertaining your daughter the guest the whole weekend. And I"ll pretend to be invisible in my own home for 48 hours while you worship at the throne of your daughter who wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. Sure!!!
To make things even better!!!
We had planned to go to an event for family in the same town sd lives in. About 2 hours away. I've been super excited, I got someone to house sit. I was really looking forward to spending the day with my SO even though there was going to be some family involved.
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! joke is on me. This morning I was told that precious princess sd is in fact free that weekend!! And she's going to be going to the event with us, hey that would be ok right? yeh, great!!

WTF? No it's not ok with me. Geeze. I know how it will be. We will leave that morning, drive 2 hours, pick up your sd then I'll sit there biting my tongue the entire day while you dote on her completely and I just act like I'm all cool with being a 3rd wheel all day. Then we'll stay at your sister's house where we have to deal with your dad, sister, her husband and kid. Don't get me wrong..they're nice but we sleep on a pull out there so it's exhausting. Then the next day I have to leave so you can have a family meeting with your siblings and dad. Then we will get in the truck and drive home again to take awesome xmas pics that afternoon. Bc that's been scheduled for months.

As SO left for work I said, I think I'll just stay home that weekend if it's turned into your visitation weekend. It's already a crazy day and a very short time that we were going to be there. and it doesn't seem right to get a house/dog sitter when I can be here preparing for the next week's holiday meal and visitors.
I do not know how to explain it in a way that it makes sense. I need help.
I know I sound like a bitch but I get it. He has to visit his daughter. It's how things are working out. He HAS to follow through now that he's pushed and she's agreed to spend time with him. I just wish that my feelings were taken into consideration.

It's always the same thing. It's always when it's absolutely THE most inconvenient time for us. Always. This has always been the pattern. We can sit here with no plans for a year then the one weekend we have plans....bam, I'm free!

I have to suck it up once again. It makes me not like sd. And to come round to all this I feel that the only reason she is suddenly making time for him is bc it's xmas season. And she's once again fade into the blue when January rolls around. As usual.

Sorry, I just needed to vent this out and get it out so I don't say something stupid to me SO. Even if no one answers, reads this or anything. I will feel a little better for having been able to just plain vent it out!

stepper47's picture

I have a SD14 and I can see us in this scenario in a few years. She has already pulled back a lot as far as coming over, and it appears that he only hears from her when she wants something. It has been a little better lately, she did make appearances at some family events and was pleasant. This leads me to believe that situations don't last forever...teen years are hard anyway, and throw in divorce and over indulgent parenting to make it even worse. She used to have the habit of dropping in at our house at random times. I have never had a problem with her coming, but i do have a problem with it being unannounced. And most of the time it would end up being during a time I thought I had the house to myself or that we would have couple time. I think the root of the negative feelings is seeing our own needs be ignored at the whim of our SO' s children. It's not a right or wrong situation,everyone deserves consideration and it's ok to feel upset or disappointed when plans get overthrown. I am dealing with it by trying to put myself in my DHs shoes. I know he loves his daughter and desires a relationship, and is upset and confused about how to maintain one. I dont believe he means to disregard me. I am trying to see my role as his helper and support, and trying to not to let the things she does affect me. There were a few events with her I skipped out in bc I was upset with something she had done and how he didnt address it, but that just left me feeling bad. Going forward, I am going to try to stay involved, trying to be open and pleasant and if she is going somewhere I would normally go, I am not going to change My mind just based on how she is acting. Regardless of everything, she is my husband's daughter and will always be an important part of our lives. At least I will be able to look back and feel I did the right thing, and hopefully she will be able to recognize my effort some day. I hope your situation works out favorably, whatever you decide to do Smile

marblefawn's picture

Venting does feel sooooo good. Your story is familiar. I finally told my husband I don't like being around SD. It's the truth, just like it's the truth that your SO has a right to spend time with her, even if she's not that great to him. I think it's OK to be honest that your SD changes the dynamic of any event for you so that he at least knows and can think about that when plans are suddenly changed to include her. In other words, you might decline to go if she is suddenly included. That's sort of where we've landed.

On the college contribution, I think you're right to make sure the money goes to tuition and not beer. But before things go too far with this loose arrangement, I'd sit down with SO and very clearly define how much is being contributed, how it will be distributed (check written to SD or check written directly to college?), what "proof" he requires from her to be sure her grades are good enough to continue contributing, how long the contribution will continue (four years of college? Master's degree? PhD?), and other details. Those details should be written and shared with BM and SD so everyone knows the deal. You and SO could decide to contribute, say, $10,000 and give it to BM and let BM know that's it - that's the full contribution, so don't come back for more. That way you wouldn't have to watchdog the money for four years or demand to see her grades to be sure she's holding up her end of the bargain. In short, decide up front how much you're in for and live up to that amount, but know that's ALL you're in for.

As much as you hate it, I don't think it's fair to say BM's family is wealthy so you shouldn't have to pay anything toward college. Your SO made the kid and it's his responsibility to see her through to adulthood. It sounds as if he already got a gift getting her a free private education from the grandmother.

And as for the kid only coming around at gift time, they're all like that. Be glad she's absent the rest of the time for your sake. If your SO doesn't like being used, he needs to fight that battle. Set a limit on what you'll spend for her gifts and ask SO to stick to it.

I always hated the surprises that come with having a stepkid: SD wants husband to pay for a ticket to Kuwait to see her mom's family. Surprise!!! I think the best way to avoid surprise $$$ requests is to agree to a fair amount with SO, pay it to SD and make it clear that's the limit so they don't keep coming back for more. After all, you can't expect not to pay anything, but if you and SO agree to a budget and stick to it, at least you know there's an end in sight and it will send a message to SD that there's no more coming.