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Annoyance distracting from grief- just needed to vent

grace8205's picture

Well a couple days ago my step father passed away while I am out of the country traveling. I was torn on returning immediately but my sister is there for my mother and I would probably lost it on my step siblings and their bitter mother. My mother never married ‘John’ and he never divorced his wife, he was estranged from her longer than they were married. He never divorced because he was afraid that she would be entitled to a good portion of his pension.

My adult ‘step siblings’ all have a very trying relationship with their mother and she is a bitter woman that never remarried. I have never heard them say one nice thing about their mother, I have only heard the over the top drama and meanness that she bestows on her family.

Was reading the obituary that was sent to me and his estranged wife who he has been estranged from longer than they were married ‘has top billing’ as spouse and my mother is listed as a companion and they were together for over 35+ years.
I am almost tempted to send my own obituary to the newspaper with a truthful view of the family dynamics. But what does it really matter, anyone that knew my step father already knows the truth.

Part of me also sees it as this is what you get for putting up with a man that never finalized a divorce.

Below is part of the obituary with all names and cities changed:

John is survived by Gladys Smith (nee Connor) of Anytown and their children: son and daughter-in-law John Debra of Anytown, son James of Anyville, daughter and son-in-law Julie and Joseph Adams of Smalltown , grandchildren Brad and Elizabeth of Anytown, and Kaitlyn and Kyleigh of Smalltown , companion Darlene Peterson of Anytown and her family, Dawn (Willard ) McGee of Tiny Village their children Lynn and Peter; Jolene (Glen) Anderson of Anytown and their son Chase Jackson.

beebeel's picture

Your mother is most likely left with nothing because he refused to divorce. I would be more worried about that than the obit details.

still learning's picture

I'm sorry for your mother that she took a backseat to his wife during his life and now also during his death. This must be a very hard time for her. I hope he had some forethought to make sure that your mother would be taken care of.

twoviewpoints's picture

My condolences on the passing of your stepfather.

I'm actually thinking the obit isn't so bad. They included your mother and your family. When my mother's SO (together 22yrs, my father died and SO divorced his 1st wife years before and his 2nd wife was also deceased), wrote his own obituary. He pre-paid and planned his entire funeral and burial. He didn't trust his adult daughter to write it and didn't want his daughter to give Mother any problems over it.

I'm sure the wife and the biological children will give your mother a tough go. I can also picture the wife standing up over the casket crying hysterical and all but pitching herself in the burial plot. *rolls eyes*

I will assume , being they were unmarried (and him still married) that they made sure your mother would be set fairly alright after his death? My mother and her So purposely did not marry because of his adult daughter. And the plan always was my Mother would be buried (she's still living and doing quite well) with my father and that SO would be taken to out of state where his 2nd wife is buried. Mother also never gave up her own home she had owned with my father, while her So kept the home he had built with his 2nd wife. Mother , of course, had her own money (plus my father's) and retirement funding.

My mother's SO's daughter was a total witch , but her father knew his daughter well and knew she would be. Things were legally set up to keep her controlled behavior wise. She was quite shocked to learn her father had given my mother complete charge , but he knew he could not trust his daughter. Sure he loved the daughter, all her warts and faults, but he was a wise man.

Be sure to spend some time with your mom when you get back in the country. I'm sure she will need a bit of emotional support.

fairyo's picture

She will need lots of support. This happened to a friend of mine whose partner died very suddenly, left her with loads of debt to do with household bills etc and when she went to the hospital to collect his clothes and belongings she wasn't allowed to take them as they belonged to the wife he had never divorced.
He had nothing to leave except a load of household debts my friend had to pay off as they were in joint names- but at the funeral it was wife and daughter who were chief mourners, not my friend and her family, who had no status whatsoever.
My friend still won't hear a word said against him- she lives in a fantasy world where they were just going to get engaged, he was going to start the divorce proceedings etc etc. He had no plans to do anything such thing.
Now my friend has to work well past retirement age to pay off her mortgage and cannot afford any luxuries. She devoted her fifteen years of her life to him and what did she get? No man is worth that.

still learning's picture

"No man is worth that."

^^So true.

Fifteen years of waiting for a day that never came, how sad for her.

SMto2's picture

I'm sorry for the loss of your "stepfather." However, the obit does seem to be accurate. I'm actually surprised that whoever wrote it included your mother as "companion" and her family as survivors. That alone would be humilitating for a wife, since it clearly indicates to the world that her husband was with someone else. This is just what happens when someone is with another person who's married. I know a lot of those folks like to say, "it's just a piece of paper," (and I'm not saying that's what was said in your mom's instance) but in reality, it's NOT just a piece of paper, but a legal document. That would be like someone being estranged from their bio parents and deciding to call two other people "mom" and "dad." Unless there are adoption proceedings, then the bio parents are still the parents if the person passes away, not the people he or she chose to call parents.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure your mother will need lots of support.

notarelative's picture

stepmama1979, you need to go to a lawyer and find out exactly what would happen with the house if he (or you) died. Bring your paperwork from when you bought the house as how the house is titled most likely matters.

SO needs to bring his legal separation papers too.

Is SO doing anything about the situation with the(ex)wife?

SO should be willing to go with you to a lawyer. If he isn't you need to go by yourself. You can't rely on SO to have correct information. Even if he is right you need to hear it from the lawyer if you are to have any peace of mind.

NotMySelfishLazyLoudFatKid's picture

This situation could end up a complete nightmare for you. He needs a divorce or you need to find a way out. Definitely a hill to die on.

MrsZipper's picture

I think this was the nicest obituary you could have hoped for. Companion is more polite than "affair partner" or "mistress" and his wife could have put either in the write up if she wanted.

I was also confused by the "never remarried" remark. Hard to remarry when you are already married.

I am sorry for your mom but it was her choice to stay in this relationship. She should consult a lawyer. There have been some high profile cases of successful men giving large gifts to their mistresses and the wife has been legally allowed to repossess the mistresses cars, houses, etc because you can't give away community property during the marriage without the wife's consent. It was either repossess or repay the wife fair value for those items I can't remember which one.

grace8205's picture

He was separated a year before my mother and him started dating, so I don’t think affair partner would be accurate.

Both of them had moved in to an old folks home 3 years ago and my mother kept her finances separate and this included the house that they lived in for 34 years. When she sold the house the money was all hers. So money isn’t an issue, however I did see my step fathers Willand he left her some money.

Myself I would not want to be with someone who would not divorce however she did not stand up for herself so many years ago.

sammigirl's picture

I am very sorry for your Mother's loss; it must be very difficult. I would focus on her comfort and supporting her during this difficult time of grief. Grief is a long process and very personal. Be there for your Mom and let everything else about your Step-father's past be just that, "the past".

The relationship between your Mom and SDad is something nobody can take from your Mom. I would trash the obituary and be there for your Mother from this day forward.

Now, I'm going to be evil: If my DH goes before me, I will write an obituary that will knock their socks off. DH and I have our own life, but as truth hurts, I know he never let go of his past. We have been married almost 38 years (his first marriage was 23 years); with that said, I will make sure all of his past is in his obituary, just to show my evil SD that I really don't give a hoot. BM is welcome to sit in the front row with me, along with my three grown Skids and their ugly families; I'm going to shock all of them, without a word! This will be my way of letting it go.

I have been put thru H..ll the past 15 years and I don't forget easily, so hope they are prepared for KARMA, because I'm going to help her out a little.

I love my DH dearly and will always take are of him (he is disabled and has been most of our married life), but he and SD never let the past go, so I will put the icing on the cake for them, if I get a chance. }:)

You see I have shed tears and experienced grieve (30+ years) since my DH became disabled, and expected me to put up with his and SD's world, even though I tried every way to make DH happy and help him let it go. He is still in love (to an extent) with BM and of course SD is a model mini wife. The facts are the facts and it hurts deeply, but I am a survivor and very bitter, as well as I chose to stay and give my love and care to this man, with no benefits returned.

I hurt for your Mom, because your SDad chose money over the devoted love your Mom gave to him; because he didn't divorce and give her the honor that she deserved. The facts are what they are, such as in my case, so let it go and take care of your Mom. Hugs to you all.

Thumper's picture

My condolences to you and your family.

OBIT looks nice.

Neither of my parents remarried. They divorced with I turned 18. My dad had lady friends whom he traveled a lot with and my mom also had a gentlemen friend who she traveled with.

When my dad passed away (FYI) my mother started receiving his social security. It was a God send to her. I know your Mom is hurting he never divorced and so are you I am sure..... but maybe, just maybe in the privacy of adult relationships THEY had the discussion about not getting married. Your Mom may take her private times with her forever.

Somethings us kids EVEN when we are adults, do not know every detail about our parents.

Just something to think about, ok?

Again I am very sorry.

Thumper's picture

stepmama---it is time for your boyfriend to do something. YOUR hosed at this point.

Rags's picture

Your mom is sadly not a consideration and has no influence in any of this unless her deceased SO clearly named her in the Will. Even then depending on what state they lived in the wife may get it all as the spouse.

Considering the interesting relationship dynamics in play the obit is reasonable IMHO.

My condolences on loss of your SF.