Stepdaughter's Obituary
I been married to DH for 42 years. I have 3 adult stepkids, SD 51 yrs old, SS 48 yrs old, & SD 46 yrs old. Also i have 2 bio adult kids with DH. DD 40 yrs old, & DS 37 yrs old. We have had a complicated relationship with my stepkids for years. Their mom turned them against us in the beginning, because of her jealousy towards us. The oldest SD had nothing to do with her dad or us in a long time, since 1989 in her teens. We never see or hear from her at all. The youngest SD was always back & forth with us, we never seen or heard from her much. But the SS was more friendly & always accepted me & my 2 kids i had with his dad. He loves me & my 2 kids, The SS is in prison, got a long prison sentence. We go visit him some in prison & he calls every week. He sends me Birthday & Mother's day cards. So he is alot different from the stepdaughters. My youngest SD passed away last year, she was 46 yrs old. They did not include my name in her Obituary. They included her stepdad's name but not mine. That upset me & DH. After all these years, they couldn't do the right thing & include my name in her Obituary. I felt that was disrespectful & it jurt my feelings. They even had a private funeral service (graveside service) they didn't even invite me & DH, wouldn't tell us when it was. They sent word by stepgrandson when the receiving friends time would be, which was about 3 days before the funeral service, but we didn't go. We didn't go when the family was going to be there. We made arrangements with the funeral home to go view her body early that morning before the family was to show up later that afternoon. Well, i see how they feel about me, by excluding me from her obituary, especially since they included her stepdad's name. & not mine.
I'm so sorry to hear that
I'm so sorry to hear that even in greif they choose to kick you and your husband in the teeth. Some people are so caught up in themselves that they fail to see beyond their own nose.
Sadly in step situations we are forever an after thought (if thought about at all) and our time and efforts at loving and parenting these children are erased.
I'm sorry the estrangement
I'm sorry the estrangement with your SD wasn't able to be put aside in the end. I know you are hurt.. and I can't imagine how hurt your DH must have been to be her father and be excluded... whether the stepdad was included or not is not so much the point.. but to exclude someone's father is pretty sad.
It may have been the EX that was in charge of the obituary.. and it was just another chance to give your SO the middle finger.. I'm sorry for his loss... and sorry that you were excluded.. that was beyond unkind.
I'm So Sorry
That hurt my heart to read....and I wish I could just give you a huge, in-person hug. StepHell (as I call it) can and is cruel to levels many of us have never witnessed in our lives. This is one of those instances.
All I can say is to recognize this is all part of the Parental Alienation that was started by the BM long ago and continued by the kids. Maybe see a counselor to help you process the pain and help you find some techniques to heal from this mess. I've been the brunt of many cruel attacks over the years. I finally just separated from the crew....haven't seen/spoken to DHs kids in over 6 years except for two very short run-ins. I don't consider DHs kids my family and now shield myself from their attacks. Today, I am peaceful. I got "here" with a great counselor and support group.
I think you and your DH could benefit from counseling. Just know it's not you...it's StepHell.
Big hugs.
grief and exclusion
I, too, carry this sort of memory of hurtfulness regarding my stephell situation. It is so unreal to have people in my life (even on the safe-ish periphery) who would go to such intentional lengths to wound and ostracize. It isn't normal. It is shameful of them. I have no advice, but I understand the injustice and the desire to make it make sense. You, heck, anyone, deserves better. You shouldnt be erased and discarded like that. My sincere condolences on how this time of grieving has compounded and rotted.
obituary
Well knowing how they feel about us, we are more bothered by the fact that they left my name out of the obituary than not going to the funeral service itself. They done us a favor by not wanting us to come. But In the obituary they had her mom & stepdad & my DH listed but left me & my kid's names out. My DH told SS that we were upset about the obituary & he agreed that it was not right, (we get along with SS fine) but he said that the SD who passed away, her kids were in charge of the obituary, & we betting the other SD & stepgrandkids & of course the ex all agreed to leave my name out too. DH don't need any counseling, he is used to how they treat him. We have been done dirty before, like when the SD graduated high school, she called here & told DH about the graduation details & then told him that she only wanted him to come to her graduation by himself, she said she didn't want me & my 2 kids to come, she told him that we (my kids & I) was not her family, he was. He told her if she gonna be that way about it he is not coming either & he didn't go.
My condolences on your loss.
Take out your own obituary on deceased SD. There is no reason why only the toxic side of your deceased SD's family can do an Obit. Do an online Obit and link them all to it so... you can honor your family as part of deceased SD's life.
You can also run that same Obit including the internat address to the Online version in your local paper and their local paper.
No need to be nasty, but, publishing respects for your DH's deceased daughter that also recognizes her father, SM, and half sibs can be cathartic for your side of the extended blended family. If it introduces the other side including DH's GKs to some truth that they were not aware of, so be it.
What did you expect
They wanted nothing to do with you for years. There are certain thing in life that just sucks. DH DD dies and he not invited to the services. Do you have to be invited? Do you need a ticket to go to the cemetery? Is open to the public ?
funeral
They kept it a secret about the funeral service details, date & time ect. So we couldn't go if we wanted to. The funeral home staff would have granted their wishes too. The funeral home staff had to even ask the family to give us permission to go view her body when they got it ready before time for the family to show up, they allowed us to do that at least, so we could have closure & say our goodbyes. We went to view the body at 10 am that day & family had receiving friends at 1 pm that day, so we was in & out & gone before family showed up.
I'm sorry you had this one
I'm sorry you had this one thrown at you. As my DH has regularly said (especially around the holidays), these types love to use holidays, birthdays, weddings, crises, and deaths to unleash their weapons, aim, and fire. It is sick. As more stable and kinder people know, many of these are the times when differences should be set aside.
I'd cut these people off and out immediately. I hate that so many SMs and dads have spent years caring for these skids, either physically and/or emotionally--or even just being accepting of them and being nice, decent people to them--only to realize later on that we mean so little (if not nothing) to them and have become targets of hate.
My mantra these days: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
holidays
.SD used Father's Day to fire her weapons at DH putting him down as a father on facebook etc. Until DH's sister came on there on that last post she done & scolded her for that, & shamed her & embarrassed her, so after that we didn't see anymore posts like that unless she posted it so that none of DH's family could see it ?
They've shown you who they
They've shown you who they are. Believe them. I wouldn't have anything else to do with them ever again. It sounds like something my SS or his wife would have done, then they would spin the story in their favor.
Rags offered a great solution
Rags offered a great solution. Write UP your own obituary and run it in the paper.
I am sorry that you are hurt. Are you that surprised, really? Their actions are not something new.
Oh and one more thing, about the skid who is sitting in jail who you visit often???
Have you prepared yourself for housing him when he is released? AND supporting him financially because he will be unemployable for a while, possibly a very long time? You are aware of all that, correct? HE must have financial support AND a real address- on the outside -before he is released.
This entire family sounds like one big mess. I honestly do not know why anyone puts up with this stuff.
PLEASE be sure to put your needs above these clowns. Let them alone and let them goooooooooo
Life if too short.
SS in jail
He will be staying with his mom & stepdad when he gets out. He has some land right next to her, he will put a home on when he can. His son already living there with his mom. I am not at all surprised at all of any ot their actions. We would be surprised if the SS still talked to us & seen us when he gets out. We will see.