VENT - going to lose my crap!
DH and I have gone to counselling over things centred around his adult kid. It has helped, however the last time the counsellor suggested that I be more relaxed about DH helping his kid financially and that DH be open, honest and non-defensive. I should give my opinion each and every time but basically let it go. This was a complete turn around from what the counsellor said a year ago. I’m pretty sure its because she wants the marriage to succeed, she is very pro marriage and with this thought she probably figured DH would conform instead of listening to my opinion.
In the past DH has hidden giving his kid money and he says in fear that I will be mad. I have said its not so much the money, (at times it is if it leaves us in overdraft), its him hiding it or lying about it, its not discussing it, and him telling me one thing when its really another.
Since our last counselling session, almost a year ago (her sessions are 4 hours long, kind of crazy but you get through a lot of stuff), he tells about things after the fact and does let me have a chance to give my opinion.
Well I am getting so tired of it.
Last winter it started out ok, I was trying to be supportive and work with him. Skid 23 bought a Mercedes, took out a loan for it, could not afford winter tires for it and we lent him the money. The loan for the winter tire money came around his b-day. Tires were $1300 and DH said $200 of that will be his b-day present and money that he receives from his Nana he will need to hand over to us to pay down the tires, and then after that he will need to make monthly payments. Went out for DH’s and skids’ b-day with Nana. She gave him a card with $100 in it, did he hand it over, no. Did DH say anything of course not. If I said anything at the table, it would cause an issue.
Skid has never made any payments on towards the tires that he owes $1100 on. DH days nothing and gets defensive with me the couple time last winter when I mentioned it.
January skid is in dire straits financially.
I talk to DH about it because DH wanted to pay off his Line of Credit at the music store for $3500 to help the kid out. I said no way. That’s enabling DH agreed tot sit down and do a budget with skid. I told him to start a mint account and set it up with him so he can see where skid’s money actually goes. Skid will just lie went asked. Mint will download all transactions from all credit cards and bank cards added and show you a graph on your spending. DH is familiar because I set us up on one.
I compromised if he did the budget thing with skid, we would pay off his one credit card up to $1000 and a Costco trip of $200 but no more and after that skid needs to follow the budget.
Skid was all thank you, thank you Daddeee!! Not once did he thank me even though he knows it was both of us and I paid at the register in front of him at Costco. BTW Costco was over $200 budget and I said something to DH and he said its not a big deal, I said its not teaching him how to budget. GRRRR…
Skid loses his job. Said he was laid off. He was fired. The company had a posting for his job right after letting skid go. How could he be laid off and I found out they paid him severance. You don’t get severance pay when you are laid off. Told DH and he suspects the same.
So DH ends up paying is rent and we agree to subsidize him $250 a month for his insurance payment for 6 months. Not happy but DH wanted to pay insurance for a year. It was a compromise.
In the meantime, I switched jobs in March. DH urged me to. My old employer did not give me a raise in the last 3.5 year, did give me a $2500 bonus in 2017, and I get 4 weeks paid vacation plus vacation time for overtime. So total vacation time worked out to 6 weeks per year paid vacation. He was a good boss but hasn’t given me a raise since I started. This “new employer” approached me on my direct line at my current job and promised me XYZ, I interviewed and accepted after DH gave him a glowing reference because he new him, his old neighbour. Well it turned out that my “new employer “ was an asshole who seems like a nice lawyer who operates a sweat shop with paralegals and did not pay me what I was promised or to Provincial labour standards. I was so miserable, and DH said just quit. The day I decided to “just quit” I saw that he paid skids rent again. So I carried on and DH said nothing about it thinking I never noticed that it came out of his line of credit. I stayed on for 2 more months and talked to DH then quit. I have taken a part time job in a somewhat similar field but not making the money I use to and waiting for the government to issue judgement against my employer/DH’s old neighbour.
So now I am part time, we just moved on May 30th to a new house which is expensive, and skid still has his hand out.
While we do not have the same house hold income and still subsidise skid, skid keeps on asking for more money and DH does nothing.
Skid’s tax return of $2000 came in and he was supposed to sign it over to DH to cover the rent payments, he begs DH to let him keep $500 and he will pay him $250 out of his next 2 cheques. This never happens.
Keeps texting asking for more money. Can I borrow $20 for the Stampede? Can I borrow $25 for gas because I can’t get to work? Can I borrow $100 because I don’t have food because I bought a second dog who needed to be fixed? Skid car get broken in to and its our problem to take it in and financially, WTF?
We were on vacation and he texts DH and asks for money. Only $65 but it’s the point. He needed it for a hair cut and to rent an amplifier because his broke (skid plays in a band and they had a show). I said to DH “if he does not get a hair cut and rent an amp. It will not be the end of the world”. DH told me he talked to skid before we left about the money and it is getting ridiculous. Skid did not say anything, but I guess pretended to listen, but still texts Daddy for money. DH e-transferred him $65 dollars and was pouty for hours during our vacation. I was pissed right off.
Since the budget conversation kid has done nothing to get his finances or shit together, instead he has bought more music gear, another dog that he can’t afford and let his girlfriend move in that does not have a job and refuses to look for one. My DH even got skid a part time job with the company that we works for and the schedule is super flexible, anytime in the evening and he can bring his GF with him if he wants. Skid has not worked one shift after accepting the position in April.
Skid says he is selling his Mercedes, he can’t afford it. DH and I bought a SUV from the company that he works for a steal. The deal was if skid wants it after selling the Mercedes he pays what we did for it including the interest, if he doesn’t want it we can sell it for $2k more than we paid for it. I told DH skid will need to get his own line of credit and pay for the car and the funds he owes before it goes to him. At the time DH agreed but I think its going to be nothing but lip service from DH.
And by December skid needs a new place to live because his room mate is not renewing the lease with him. Good luck to skid finding a place that he can afford on his own with 2 large dogs and he will not get his damage deposit back from this place because the dogs have destroyed it. Skid is lucky if he doesn’t get sued for the damage.
This weekend I am putting the hammer down hard. I love my DH but I will not put up with this. I don’t even want to go out to watch his skid’s band play or have skid over because I am so pissed off.
Especially tonight I found out skid spent $1100 getting more music equipment but can’t pay his own bills, can’t pay us or his dad back. Seriously?
Thanks for reading my vent.!!!
Seperate Finances
Sorry if I missed this, but have you and DH considered seperate finances? Maybe pool what you need for housing expenses, but keep discretionay money seperate?
That doesn't matter in Canada
That doesn't matter in Canada, in any Province I would still be on the hook for half his debt if we ever divorced.
I have nothing; I would have
I have nothing; I would have lost my temper in a big mean way by now.
Wow, you are ridiculously
Wow, you are ridiculously tolerant. I would have blown my fuse long ago.
I can take things for made
I can take things for made too long and I am fairly paitent. But I have had enought, totally going to lose it when DH gets home from his business trip.
I was mad before but skid spending $1100 dollars today on music shit when he cant even pay for his own hair cuts, seriously?
Nice to know that it is not
Nice to know that it is not just me.
DW does little things here
DW does little things here and there for SD's but if she ever went to that extreme I would lose it as well.
WTF??? I'm all for supporting
WTF??? I'm all for supporting young adults. My steps are only 12 and 9 and BS is 11 - so this a ways off for me. I know we will be giving them money for a long time. This I'm cool with.
But when you give money to adult kids - step or bio - STRINGS are attached and in no way do I need to fund anything that I don't approve of (more or less). I wouldn't support buying a car they can't afford. I wouldn't support rent payments/essentials if they're spending $$ on fripperies.
Guard your own funds, unknown
Guard your own funds, unknown to all of course.
Being married to a CPA makes
Being married to a CPA makes my life so easy. She is the money Nazi. I tend to be a little less budget conscious and a bit more willing to help but the format of my help tends to piss people off.
I don't give money. My ILs couldn't feed themselves so I set up a food delivery service where my bride and I selected health foods and had them delivered. If they didn't like what we sent... tough shit and don't eat if you don't want to eat.
They had their farm foreclosed and we refused to throw good money after bad to try to save it. To ensure they had safe and reasonable housing I offered that my wife and I would purchase a small home and they could live in it on the condition that they sign all income over to my wife, all direct deposits of their pay into an account controlled by her, and we would use their income to pay ourselves back for the home we would purchase (in our names) , have food delivered, cover all of their bills, and give them a very, very, very small discretionary allowance. When the home was paid off we would retain that home for their residence until they had to move into assisted living at which point we would sell it and put the money from the sale into an account that my wife would use for their care.
Nope, they were offended. So insteat, they have lived in barely habbitible rentals until a few years ago when they bought a home for themselves. It is a fire trap and needs fully rewired and I refuse to stay there for more than a few hours. When we visit, we stay at a hotel. My FIL passed in mid June and it looks like the widows SS benefits she will receive combined with her low wage job will allow her to keep her home, pay her bills and have a small amount of discretionary budget. And I do mean small. We hooked my MIL with a financial advisor who is very closely locking down her money and has regular calls with my bride. Working with him has started to help my MIL gain clarity that she can never again go to a casino, she will have to work until she is well into her 70's and even then her retirement will be very, very frugal. She is all depressed about her situation, very angry with my deceased FIL because their grandiose plans of retiring in their 50s off of their 15Acre pig farm did not pan out (not that it had a snowballs chance in hell of panning out), and he left her on the verge of destitution. No recognition that her early retirement from the State, taking that money to the casino ot win her $millions, and continued blowing of nearly every pay check at the casino has any impact on her situation.
My bride won't even consider giving anyone in her family money. If there is only one possible bad financial decision that can be made out of infinate options, all of them will make that bad decision. It is uncanny how financially inept they all are. It breaks her heart to see how her family lives and the never ending poor decisions that they make but she absolutely will not jeopardize our financial situation for a single cent to help them or facilitate their continued poor decisions.
So, I have about as optimal a sitaution as is possible for someone whose ILs are a money pit.
Even if you are still liable
Even if you are still liable for his debts if you divorce (you are in the US as well, at least in my state - marital debt is divided 50/50) separating finances would probably make you feel better. Once you get a decent job again, start a joint account that you each deposit your share of the household expenses into - the rest going into your own checking/savings and the same for him. If he wants to spend every last nickel on his son, that's his prerogative. Your money won't be going towards it.
How awful!!!
I wish I had some golden morsel of advice for you other than lacing DH's after work drink up with something so he is only coherent when he is at work unconscious until morning. I think you need to find a decent counselor to go to by yourself. There HAS to be a solution. (((HUGS)))
I am going to speculate that
I am going to speculate that your SS had a drug or alcohol problem. His behavior is pretty textbook. Your DH will be the last one to acknowledge the issue, too. I have lived this. For example, the broken amp might have been real but he probably has multiple, and certainly his band mates could have loaned him one. This would not be an emergency that needed to be remedied immediately.
I don't mind helping adult kids now and then when they are doing their best, working their asses off. Yet I have been after DH for a year now to remove SS (32 friggin years old) from our car insurance. Nada. He has to "plan" for it and as soon as he's "ready" he'll take care of it, and I need to quit nagging. (I ask about every six months.) Recently SS had some unexpected expenses. DH agreed to "loan" him $200. We'll never see that money back.
Like your DH, used to be mine was not upfront with me about sending money to SS, which was stupid. I manage all finances and it's pretty clear when "Western Union" comes across on the statement. Because when he needs money it's always RIGHT NOW. Can't wait for a check in the mail. Irritates the heck out of me.
But back to you. You must set your boundaries. No more loaning money unless you both agree? No more loans period until SS repays? If DH crosses them, what are the consequences? There must be consequences, and those consequences must be clear to DH. For sure, this would be a hill for me to die on. Nobody gets to take my financial security away.
It will not hurt SS ONE BIT to figure out social services and food banks if he really can't afford groceries or utilities, etc. I cut off my own daughter and she says, now, it was the best lesson I could have possibly given her.
Here's a radical idea.
Sit your DH down and tell him that it's time to face facts that you need to work better together on your finances. It seems your DH is spring-loaded to say "yes" to whatever SS asks for. He is unable to say no and it's affecting your financial future.
Here's the radical part. Tell him that any financial support for SS needs to be looked at with clarity and realisim, and not with the emotion of a parent. Suggest that from now on, any time that SS wants money he must ask YOU for it! DH should tell him that as a couple, you both are on a financial plan for your retirement and you are in charge of the new plan.
I know that may initially seem like a nightmare for you but I would guess that it won't take very long before SS learns you are not the pushover his dad is. After the first couple of times you say, "No, sorry we can't help you with that." I bet SS will finally start learning how to be an adult and figure it out for himself.
If your DH doesn't have the guts to say no to his kid and get him financially independent, he should allow you to show the fortitude to do so. Your DH is drowning in the morass of SS b.s. and you don't need to go down with him.