First Time
I have been living with my boyfriend and part time with his two sons for a few years now. We have recently hit a bad spot which I fear we may not be able to cure. We have had bad times in the past, for weeks at a time sometimes, but we have always been able to work it out. This time, I do not know if I can keep going.
BF had a bad fight last night over the simple issue of talking about plans for one day this weekend. I had been asked by a family member to attend a day outing and wanted to discuss what bfs plans were as SS10 had a sporting event. It turned into a fight because BF rudely asked why I needed to know so bad what he was doing two days in advance and finished with him maliciously saying I can go do whatever I want.
We slept separately and i awoke to texts saying i always plan to be away on days we have the two boys.
In the past, he has always told me to do these types of things with family and friends so I don't lose myself and maintain relationships, but it seems every time i do i get guilt tripped because I'm not "working on my relationship with the boys" instead.
It is hard to not pick other things instead because a) to maintain who I am and other relationships and b) because two SS's are not welcoming of me, even after two years and are frequently rude and mean. I spend most nights very upset after spending the day as a "family".
BF tells me i need to work on things with them and build up, but when i do i feel like it makes them uncomfortable and angry that they are even in the situation of having a potential SM and sometimes even makes things worse.
I don't feel i know how to move forward with this.
BF keeps trying to text me and talk about things, but things are very passive aggressive saying that actions are all on me. We had discussed in the past not having important convos through text and i asked for us to talk in person due to this agreement. He told me we would not because we have boys this weekend and he will not take away time with them to fix things with me and that it is unfair to them to change plans even for 30 min to talk to me.
I don't know where to go from here.
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Text this back to him: Out of
Text this back to him: Out of respect for your sons, why not ask them if they want me to attend their events and be around like a family all weekend. Then we can talk next week. Reminder: I am not their mother and I refuse to take her place. They love her and they are entitled to feel that way.
Throw this back in his face. I am so sick and tired of these men looking for a replacement mother for their kids when their kids already have a mother they love. These kids do not want Dads GF to be their mother. Just because these men no longer love their kids mother doesn't mean he gets to create a new family for them.
The kids have stated to him
The kids have stated to him and their mother in private that they do not like me at their events, but he thinks if i just go, they will get used to it and accept me being there.
But then he will say things to them that i am not trying to replace their mother and they should love her and not want to replace her.
It is all so a** backwards.
Perhaps you should consider
Perhaps you should consider moving on by moving out.
There’s is NO WAY I would be bullied into playing Mom to someone else’s children, unless it was 100% my choice to.
He can still be your BF, if you really want that, at a distance.
Really?? He plans on
Really?? He plans on spending every second of his waking hours with his boys?? He can't have a 30 minute convo after they go to bed or before they wake up in the morning or while they are playing, or eating their breakfast?? And he's also talking out of both sides of his ass. In one breath, he's pissy with you because he doesn't know what his "plans" are two days in advance, then in the next breath, his "plans" are so detailed and all time consuming that he's telling you he won't have even 30 minutes for you.
Is he that obtuse, that he needs someone to tell him that you CAN'T force people to love each other, or even like each other and trying to FORCE people into relationships just makes people all the more resistant to it. I wonder if he would like to be forced to have a relationship with someone who didn't want a relationship with him? I'm quite certain he would not. But it's OK for him to expect it of you. And I'd also tell him to take his stupid argument of "you're the adult so you should suck it up and try harder" and cram it up his dumb ass.
I mean what exactly is wrong with the relationship you have with the kids?? I'm assuming you are civil to them and care about them like you would any child in that you wouldn't want to see them hurt or upset but beyond that what exactly does he expect? Does he want you to sit criss cross applesauce and hold hands and sing Kumbaya? Does he want you to skip around sprinkling fairy dust and rainbow juice upon their arrival? Does he want you to spend every waking moment with them when they are there? What????
“And I'd also tell him to
“And I'd also tell him to take his stupid argument of "you're the adult so you should suck it up and try harder" and cram it up his dumb ass.”
^^^ This!
The guy sounds like a schmuck, OP. Toss him back into the testosterone filled kiddie pool for another woman.
My DH doesn’t even speak to me this way...
I have been with my DH for 8
I have been with my DH for 8 years, have 3 SDs. When we have them and we don't have mine, I disappear! I work out, get my nails done, shop, go out with friends, you name it! Every other Wed and Thursday are all mine! They have a mother and a father who is why they are coming to our house in the first place to visit him, not me!
You need to set this guy straight, who in the hell does he think he is trying to put a guilt trip on you, they aren't your kids, and they don't want you around anyway!
I believe he feels like that
I believe he feels like that me not being around when they are shows them i don't WANT to be around them. I can understand how a child may think that way, but i wish my feelings of not being wanted and feeling out of place were respected as well and there could be a place to meet in the middle.
ya, my DH said that to me
ya, my DH said that to me once. I said, "I have my own kids to worry about, your kids are not my kids" I do enough for them, but I'm not going out of my way for them. I need me time.
Just remind him that these
Just remind him that these are NOT your children.
You don't have to have any relationship with them. They are there to spend time with HIM not you.
If you listen to what he is
If you listen to what he is saying and his actions...he is telling you where you stand in the relationship....LAST
If he is allowing his children to mistreat you or make you feel excluded now, he will always do that. And you will most likely be the blame for anything that goes wrong with his relationship with his kids in the future.
You are much nicer than I am. If my SS's made me feel unwelcome at their events (and they do) I would just TELL you SO what your plans are. No asking involved. My DH doesn't expect me to attend any functions for the SS's because of how rude they are. So I am free to make my own decisions.
I don't think I would want to stay in a relationship where my partner refused to discuss issues with me.
Nope....Thing long and hard about this relationship.
He doesn't allow them to do
He doesn't allow them to do so. They do get spoken to if/when they say things about me or in front of me. SO he does convey to them that I'm important, but he doesn't convey to ME that I'm important when they're around.
I think he does expect me to attend things with them, despite they're behavior, because I'm an adult and need to deal with it as he does (they blame him for their parents divorce), and they're kids and will be spoken to when something happens (it always does).
There are many things wrong
There are many things wrong with his response.
First, if you're in a serious adult relationship where you live together, you should expect to share your plans with the other person. Why is he so concerned about sharing his plans "two days in advance".
Second, you shouldn't be expected to drop everything when his children are around. Life doesn't stop when they leave and it doesn't stop when they arrive. If you have something else, they should be able to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them.
Third, it's not your responsibility to create a relationship with your BF's children. It's his responsibility to foster that relationship. Neither you nor his children chose to be with one another, he chose all of you and if he wants things to work, then it's on him to accommodate everyone. That means giving you space to approach the relationship in ways that work for you, giving his children space to approach the relationship in ways that work for them, and also doing the difficult work of calling out his children when they are rude or disrespectful. If he's unhappy with the way things are, he shouldn't push it on you. Sounds like he also needs to sit his children down and have a talk with them about how they can't expect their father to be single forever, so they need to allow a SM to come into their lives. He can listen to their concerns about having a SM, but he can't let them decide whether or not they have a SM - that's not their decision to make.