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New Here Need Boundary Help!

gnme's picture

Hi everyone, I am very new here and need some advice. I am currently engaged to a great guy who has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have a daughter from a previous also. As we start to look towards our future we started talking about issues with the BM and it is causing a huge problem.

Background Info: They divorced 7 years ago and she has been with several guys and also married again. Now currently single. She was his HS sweetheart and they grew apart and she cheated, she is a strong, manipulative personality. He is a pushover and doesn't want to make waves. He says "I'm doing it for the boys" which I'm sure you all have heard before. She has had him remodel her kitchen, move her, etc. He tries to maintain a positive relationship with her for the kids. She is manipulative, selfish, and he doesn't realize that she is taking advantage of him. He is just trying to keep things normal for the boys, examples sitting with the BM at sports and school events, coming to their house and going in their rooms to put them to bed (not every night) oh and they are pre-teen age.

Well now I have come in the picture and I am the first person he has loved and planned a future with since her. I want to set some boundaries because I am tired of her walking all over him and I don't want her in my family's life. My two biggest concerns are the fact he sits by her at all events so the boys don't have to choose who to go to first afterwards. To me its like the family image still needs to be there and makes me feel like I am second to her. The other thing is going into her house to put them to bed or kiss them goodnight and letting her come in his (soon to be our) house to see their rooms and stuff. I don't want her in my house at all, and I am really uncomfortable with him in her house...especially when I am not there. Oh and yes this is long distance for now. I am planning to uproot my life and move down by him after we get married. I want to set a good example for my daughter and his boys on marriage and respect for women. Now he is freaking out and not wanting to set boundaries thinking his way is right and not seeing my point of view at all. Am I crazy??? How can I get him to see there need to be boundaries and are those two boundaries not realistic? He doesn't have to deal with any of this for my daughter...her BF has been out of the picture for years. HELP!

katielee's picture

Oh wow... there is NO WAY I'd move across country if he refuses to set boundaries. It sounds like a nightmare to me. He needs to put your feelings first or you don't need to marry him.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

When I got married I went through the same thing with DH not having any boundaries for BM.

She had the key to his house and came in/out freely.

He went into her and her BF's house to see SS13's room.

They had "family" dinners together, talked everyday, would sit together at events and went to counseling together.

Unfortunely I did not know how serious this was until AFTER we married. I was devastated when I realized he thought this was normal and expected me to live like that.

Thank God I found ST and others gave me insight into what is normal and made me realize I did not have to accept boundaries or lack of boundaries that were not comfortable to me.

It was (and sometimes still is) a long road to get DH to realize that some things are just not acceptable in a relationship. DH knew I have no contact with my kids' father so I couldn't even hold that over his head.

I had to let him know that I refuse to live without BM having boundaries and I am not just another member of his harem so he had a choice to make.

Jellybeam's picture

Hell no!
That's fucking bullshit! How would he feel if you sat by your ex-boyfriend during the kid's events. Try that. Bring an ex-boyfriend to an event! Then after the event, bring your ex-boyfriend over to see a room in your house.
Men are such fucking idiots!
That shit needs to stop.
Hell, why don't they just go have a "family portrait" done and put one up in each of the houses? I would be freakin' pissed!!!!!!!

Bojangles's picture

If he is already freaking out and unwilling to change you really need to address that BEFORE you make sacrifices and get yourself and 3 children involved in a blended family.

I really strongly advise you not to uproot your life until you have had some serious heart to heart discussions with your SO and really understand each others position on parenting, boundaries, household management, cleaning, finances etc etc, preferably with the help of some pre-marriage counselling. If he's resistant to that process then that in itself is a bad sign. Making a blended family work requires a lot of communication and compromise, if he can't do that now it's unlikely that he'll do it when the pressure is on.

Your SO is engaged in a whole pattern of behaviour with his ex and his children that would not be appropriate if he were trying to create a new family set up with you, and unless he understands that, you will rapidly become the butt of resentment from him, his ex and their children.

silentnites's picture

I totally get "it's for the boys"...but remodeling her kitchen, helping her move etc, have exceeded all boundaries. A divorce is just that, a divorce. One does not end her marriage then try to maintain a relationship beyond the raising of the children. Playing the family unit is not cool...not at all. If this continues, you don't have a chance. You will be miserable.

I'm not sure you can put boundaries on him. I hate to say that. This is how he has allowed the relationship to continue with her, he has already set the boundaries. If it now has to stop (which it absolutely has to stop) the blame will fall on your shoulders.

The only thing that you can do in my opinion, is to sit down with him and let him know that his family involvement without the marriage license and acting like a married couple in two different homes is not acceptable to you. If you marry and move into your own home, nightly visitation by bio mom is not acceptable. The ball is in his court at that point. If he is not willing to change the current status of the way his relationship works with her, then there is your answer. Sometimes when we ask a question we have to be prepared for the answer. Odds are very good that you will not be able to change the situation after marriage.

Good luck!!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Sounds like he still has some feelings for her. Doing things for HER is not for the boys. Do not disrupt your life forhim into he sets brealistic boundaries.

ta5's picture

One...things will change when u become family with him. Two..he is keeping it normal for the kids. Three...you have to accept the bm and get along she is going to be in your life. Be brave know he loves you. You also need to never forget the bm will always hate you and be jealous. So move down let him do what he wants with his kids and you be there when he comes back from kissing them good night. Yoƫ have to trust him let him be the adult and make the choice. You don't. Like what he is doing tough its his kids you don't have a say. Disengage. My sd bm comes over to study for a test with her at 5am while I am still in bed. You can't care and have to know sk and bm will be in your life. That's what u get when u blend.