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Fall Update

Cover1W's picture

I've not been posting for a while because things are settling down.
Or, i.e. DH has been stepping up!
:jawdrop:

This summer I let DH know that if I came home and that kitchen was a mess I'd pack everything up and we'd be eating off paper plates. Well, that kitchen was clean all the time (except maybe once or twice) and it was divine. DH even cooked most meals when SDs were with us. Which also enlightened him on SD13s picky eating.

He became disgusted with SDs not doing laundry. Nothing was done about it though until HE made them do laundry (one time only for SD13 but at least some things were washed). SD11 was still pretty good about doing her own when necessary. Laundering linens are beyond both of them. I found dirty sheets and blankets in the linen closet - gave them to DH do wash, he just stuffed them in a corner of HIS office. So now they are clean and heading to the donation center this coming weekend since no one cares about them.

DH disposed of SD13s electric blanket and refuses to buy either SD a new one because they didn't properly care for the ones they had.

DH sat both the SDs down this weekend and made them make a grocery list for themselves. This is after a meltdown from them about how we don't have anything for them to eat. SD11 didn't want to do it so he made her come to the store with us. Appropriate food was had, and is in stock for them so they cannot complain.

DH is seeing what a problem SD11's TF is. And even told SD11 a couple times recently that no, she couldn't see TF that day. No tantrum happened either.

It's been pretty peaceful for now. DH had to go out of town and I was alone with SDs Sunday, which was fine. They had stuff to do and so did I. I had to remind them to clean up dishes and to freaking GET OFF the chairs they are not toys (you're 11 and 13 - what are you doing? Get OFF.)...and they didn't come when dinner was ready after calling to them 3 times, so I ate alone. "You ate without us?" Yes, you knew dinner was almost ready, didn't come when I called after several times, so if you know dinner is almost ready, don't leave the area. But even SD13 ate almost everything so it ended well.

No drama so far...knocking on wood.

Comments

strugglingSM's picture

I'm looking forward to a day when I can say the same.

DH and I had it out last night, because over the weekend, the gaming gear (that I had previously hidden in the closet because it was all over the floor) came back out. When I saw them using it, I said "that was in the closet because I'm sick of seeing it all over the floor. I expect it to all go in it's appropriate basket when you're done." Both children nodded their heads. Last night, I walk into the tv room and see game CDs and game controllers on the floor. I say something to DH and he shouts at me "are you really going to get mad over two things on the floor?!" To which, I told him, yes, because his kids agreed to put those things away and I only expect the bare minimum, so I expect it to be done. He then goes on to tell me how I don't keep things in other rooms as clean as he would like...at which point, I walked away because I couldn't even deal. His precious little cherubs have very minimal responsibilities at our house, so yes, it is a big deal if they don't do one tiny thing they agreed to do.

And in my house, SSs (both 11), can't even be expected to put their dirty laundry in the hamper.

Cover1W's picture

Soooooo....just a perspective here as I have been through this many, many, many, many, many, many times. The SDs have no chores and pretty much no "rules" to this day.

Disengage. Keep throwing the stuff in the closet if you want.
I refused to live in a messy living room so that's what I did.
I've also thrown stuff down the street, out over the deck, down the stairs and/or into their bedrooms, into the closet or into the donation bins or trash, depending on what it was. No, you won't get mad because you say NOTHING to anyone. You just do it. You need to iterate your expectations about shared spaces with DH. I told DH that I, for my sanity, need a clean living area and kitchen. What they do with their rooms/bathroom is not on me. But, I pay half the mortgage and do most of the housework - so I will take care of things if no one else will. Then left it.

As for comments about how things are not as clean as he'd like? Oh man, I've not had to deal with that because DH is messy as well (yes, it's exhausting sometimes) - but I'd simply tell him, if it's not clean enough for you, please feel free to help with those other areas (I'm assuming it's not kid areas?).

SD13 does not use her hamper either. I bought one years ago for each of them, before I disengaged, and SD11 still uses hers to this day. However, I do not, ever, ever follow up about it. I don't even go into their bedrooms unless I have to. It's not on me. And lord help DH if I have to go in there and find things I don't want to (last time was getting the cat out of SD13s pit of a room). Stop monitoring their laundry. That's on DH - and I believe your SSs are old enough to help - if your DH won't help you help them learn to be responsible people/adults (that's how I frame it) then you will stop helping.

Have you read Stepmonster yet?

strugglingSM's picture

I've read Stepmonster, but before I was married and lived with my stepchildren. Probably time for a re-read.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

StrugglingSM, if their laundry is not in the hamper, it doesn't get washed. Period. Dot.

We have a rule (DH's!) that if it's left on the living room floor, it goes into the trash. It does not matter WHAT it is. Games, clothes, homework... If you want it or need it, you pick it up and put it away. It does NOT belong on the freakin' floor (their bedroom is fair game because I don't clean in there - that's on DH. He can clean it or have them clean it). And we DID throw away the stuff. The one exception was the tv remote. When the remote is left on the floor, it goes away for a month.

DH made this rule after he walked into the (dark) living room, stepped on a remote and broke it.

Evil Aniki admits she enjoyed throwing things away...

strugglingSM's picture

Just had this same conversation with my DH - their bedrooms can be a mess, but "common" spaces should be clean.

And yes, I've told them before that the reason they don't have clean socks is because dirty socks on the floor don't get washed. Don't think it stuck, but it's been said.

DH has been doing laundry for his kids...now, I just have to get him to put it away.

Cover1W's picture

If DH does their laundry, it often does not get put away.
(If SD11 does her own, she usually always puts it away, not so much if dad does it)

I simply move it into his office and out of my way.

Steptococci's picture

Yay! I love that your DH is making them do laundry now. And that an 11 year old is successfully doing laundry (sort of,) gives me hope! my SD is almost 10... DH seems to think she can't even ball up some socks. (;

Cover1W's picture

Ah, yes, the 11 yo can do all her clothes. I have instructions on how to use the machines taped up in the cabinets and she follows those. Working on the change linens monthly issue (we have them 50/50).

The 13 yo says, each and every time, "How do I use the laundry machine again..." while standing in front of the instructions. The 11 yo always has to help...which I wish she wouldn't.

I do suspect DH helped a little too much last time, but at least it got done.

Acratopotes's picture

yeah don't you just love disengagement .......

it's a huge improvement from before, but I will not even make them dinner lol, if Dad's not there every one can vend for themselves.. I'm happy with a simple salad