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Just looking to vent - DH "sick" again

ksmom14's picture

DH is the typical man (sorry StepTalk guys) that gets the "man cold", if I have that same cold I'm still pushing through and do my daily tasks, at most I'll go to bed an hour or so early. If DH is sick he is laid up in bed, calls in sick to work, and pushes all parenting to me. He'll stay home, do a few things like take care of the chickens (collect eggs and give them food), clean up any dishes left, and maybe do a load of laudry, but then when I get home, he cannot help and is back in bed. 

Last night I was in bed by the time DH came home from his bowling league, I woke up around midnight and DH said he was freezing even with 2 blankets on. I checked his temperature which was fine, added another blanket for him, and went back to bed. He got up around 5 went to the kitchen for a while and came back to bed at some point. After I had gotten up around 615, showered, and returned to our bedroom around 645 I asked DH how he was feeling, which he replied he was feeling much better but just tired now. He didn't say anything else so I continued to get ready which consisits of taking care of our dogs, and getting DD3 and DD1 ready and out the door. 

In the mornings DH makes sure SS16 SD15 and SD13 are all ready, and takes the 2 SDs to school, while I handle our DDs SS16 drives himself but leaves at the same time as us. Well DD3 went into see DH this AM around 715 and he was still in bed. I know I shouldn't have (because he didn't ask) but I asked if I was supposed to be taking care of SKIDS. DH asked that I take SD13 to school, which would mean SS16 would need to take SD15 to school. SD13 was actually on time FOR ONCE today, thank goodness. I don't know what happened with the other two, I was too irritated to bother at that point. 

I get feeling sick and needing a day off work, but DH literally takes a day off work probably every other week, and most of the time it's because he just doesn't feel great, not because he's legitimately sick. A couple weeks ago he took 2 days off in a row because his stomach hurt, the first day he stayed  home he said he didn't eat much, but then ate pizza that night for dinner, then he stayed home again the next day. 

I just don't want to be responsible for making sure SKIDS are at school when he's just not feeling like working. It just sucks, I have enough to do in the mornings! Also, most of the time the SKIDS are always late because he won't give them consequences for being late when he's taking them to school. He just hounds them all morning that they're running out of time and need to hurry up, they're constantly late but he never does anything about it. Not to mention I literally cannot even remember the last time I took off work for being sick, although I haven't felt well just as often as he does. But I have to save my vacation time for when the DDs are sick! 

Just venting I guess, sorry it got so long....I think I'm PMSing too so I'm just irritable. 


Monkeysee's picture

Does he not get written up for calling in sick all the time? I worked with a woman like this, who used to call in sick all the time & it brought the morale of our entire team down because we couldn’t depend on her & were always having to pick up her slack.

Why is his employer putting up with this?

Next time don’t offer to drive any of his kids. Unless he’s physically incapacitated he can take the kids to school, especially considering this is a regular occurrence for him. My guess is this isn’t ‘man flu’ this is laziness & complacency. 

ksmom14's picture

We work for the same company, and they're actually SUPER flexible when it comes to taking time off or working from home. We have one bank of FTO (family time off) that we use for vacation, sick, or misc. reasons. Nobody cares if you need off as long as your manager is good with it and it's recorded.

Also, the position he's in he does kind of unique things so it really doesn't matter if he misses a day or two, it's all just sitting for him when he comes back, and 90% of the time there's not really much urgency. 

I feel like a b*$%^ if I were to tell him that he still needs to take SKIDS to school, SD13's school is literally on my way to drop off DDs at daycare and I feel bad judging how sick he really is, but this is just getting ridiculous!

Monkeysee's picture

If this is happening every other week, or even once a month, unless he’s visibly ill (and I mean on the toilet, puking his guts out, really high fever sick, not ‘oh I don’t feel well’), then you shouldn’t feel bad about holding him responsible for taking care of his children. 

Even if it’s on the way for you, it’s still an extra stop, and from the sounds of it your SD is late a lot. Even with a flexible work environment, why should you be inconvenienced just because he has a sore tummy? That’s ridiculous. 

ksmom14's picture

no, sorry, his and my FTO time is seperate. But FTO for our company is any reason we need off, whether it be for vacation, sick time, or just because.

Aniki's picture

I'm sorry, but if he's well enough to eat pizza, he's well enough to go to work and handle the skids.

Every other week...gads. I would stop offering. He's NOT that sick. To me, the big question is WHY IS HE DOING THIS? Something else is going on. Is he depressed??

somethingwicked's picture

Wow.Your hands are FULL as you work PLUS have two little ones plus 3 steps.

5 children in all.wait ..maybe 6  when DH acts like a widdle kid a least once a week wanting to stay home from "school" coz he feels "weally weally sick."

Your DH sounds like a  malingerer .That means he has a psychological disposition to faking illness to avoid responsibility  and or gain sympathy.

Then again perhaps there is a true health problem in development. How long has he been doing this?

Demand that he gets a comprehensive and through physical exam by his internist to ascertain that he is not developing nor has a disease process that is factually contributing to his  WEEKLY habit of missing work .

Your place of business may be super flexible but someone is  observing this guy's chronic abuse of his FTO. Especially if he is not using it to work at home but lay about complaining of a tummy ache then later in the day gorge on pizza.

Honestly this guy sounds like he has the mentality of a teenager.And you are the mommy picking up the slack for sonny boy.

Do vent  away  ~ however if there is no organic reason for his "mystery " illnesses then you need to motivate him to pick up the slack that is his load that he expects you to shift on top of what you are already carrying.

Maybe you should try beating him to staying in bed announcing once a week before he does that you are sick and plan to stay home . You must know his routine by now,right? Pre-emptively strike before he calls shotgun on the "sick" bed. LOL

Maybe you have a tender heart  and  do not really mind .Then again you ARE here venting.  

And if you are here venting you know it has gotten to be a problem .Good Luck.


ndc's picture

I would suggest (no, make that insist) that if DH is "sick" to the point of missing work every other week, he go to his doctor and get a complete physical.  It's not normal to not be able to make it to work that often.

susanm's picture

My thoughts exactly.  If he really is sick every other week then he needs a full poking and prodding and blood work to find out why.  And his diet needs to be examined as well to have the crap eliminated and only nutritious food that promotes health included.  Plus forced regular exercise.   Essentially, he gets to choose between continuing life as he knows it and going to work like a big boy or declaring himself chronically ill and in desperate need of your help to get him well again.  

ksmom14's picture

This would be a good thing to do other than the fact he literally just went to the Dr for a checkup last week, he already eats relatively healthy, and him and I do weights during our lunch break at work every day Sad

susanm's picture

What???  Then how does he explain being "sick?"  How do you restrain yourself from planting your foot in the small of his back and literally booting his perfectly healthy ass out of bed?  "The doctor just gave you a clean bill of health.  Get your slacker ass up NOW and act like a grownup!"

Aniki's picture

Then if he has a clean bill of PHYSICAL health, it's time for him to make an appointment with a head doctor.

Or he can sack up, be an adult, and take care of business.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

He needs to start getting flu shots! I can’t believe he doesn’t get fired. What a lucky SOB. Refuse to do for the stepbrats. They’re his problem.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Good! Colds suck but he could at least try some DayQuil ffs. My DH rarely gets too sick to function.

Siemprematahari's picture

Next time don't offer taking the step kids. Sick or not he has to be able to function and since you take the brunt of the work he knows you'll do it....because you always cave.

It's interesting that he was fine when he was bowling and when he's home he's "tired". Stop offering your services and doing more than you should.......he does this because you don't hold him accountable and you allow it.

Let him deal with his responsibilities. He's not in bed dying, he has a cold.....not the end of the world.

ksmom14's picture

I do....I always cave. I'm incapable of calling him out on his BS I know it's something I need to work on

Kiwi_koala's picture


What a sweet life your husband has! A wife who works, takes care of the kids, and helps with his kids..... And to top it off he can take off work fairly often without being reprimanded. Every month I would suddenly develop very bad menstrual cycles that make it impossible for me to do anything except watch Gilmore girls all day long. You should take a cue from your husband. 

ksmom14's picture

Funny you should say that, a coworker that works right next to me did actually take off one day because of bad cramps lol

Kiwi_koala's picture

I'm not surprised. I can function better with a cold than the cramps I have on my first day every month! It sounds like your husband just likes being catered to and you're willing to do extra work. I have issues speaking up too, but I feel so much lighter since I started saying no more.  

oneoffour's picture

One day he will be really sick and no one will believe him. Granted the company is super flexible but even super flexible has it's breaking point.

He needs a physical. Working for such a giving company I am sure your insurance will pay this in full. Make the appointment.

Stepkids. No. Sure you go right by the school but you *may* be running late or have an errand to run first. Unless he faints everytime he gets out of bed or has a bio hazard sticker on his forehead he takes his kids to school. After work do your chores then go to bed. Do not feed or pander to his illnesses until he gets a physical.

If he is actually sick you need to get to the root of the problem either physically or mentally. Good luck!

ksmom14's picture

This is kind of where I'm at....I'd like to call him out about him not actually being sick, but then what happens if he actually is? Who am I to judge if he's legitimatly sick or not? I am more than happy to help him if he's actually sick, I mean I would hope for the same help, but it's just so frustrating that he seems to be fine, but wants me to do extras.

susanm's picture

The doctor can judge.  He just gave him a clean bill of health.  DONE.  

sunshinex's picture

But I mean, who cares if he's actually sick? Last I checked, you're still a parent, even when you're sick. 

My 15 month old cosleeps and breastfeeds all night so my husband has never been able to take over nights. I've been so sick I've been shaking and freezing, yet I STILL manage to wake up every 1-2 hours with our child and do what needs to be done to take care of him. Sure, I might ask DH for an hour nap the next day, but I don't cease being a responsible mother just because I'm sick. That's not cool.

The ONLY time I can remember being "too sick" to parent was when I had hand foot and mouth disease, which is apparently freaking awful when adults catch it. I felt like death and could barely stay awake. If I stood up, my feet hurt so bad I teared up. Anyways, I napped for 4 hours that day than got back to parenting. 

Life happens. Your kids still need you, even if you're sick. That's bullshit that he gets off so easy for a meager cold. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Ugh, flexible or not, your DH is the "always calls in sick" guy at work that everyone complains about behind his back. There's always one...