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Disengagement gone wrong

StressedSickNtired's picture

Does anyone have any examples of down sides to disengaging from skids? Just curious. I haven't had an issue, other than her feelings are hurt that I'm not pouring in my attention. She'll just have to live; my feelings were hurt over lots of things and I keep chugging. I'm sure it will worsen our relationship in the long run, but she would inevitably turn on me eventually so I might as well save my sanity now.

nengooseus's picture

I think the concerns are more with the husband-wife relationship than the skid-SP relationship. A lot of bio-parents really struggle with why anyone wouldn't completely adore their spawn, and that it's their spouse makes it worse.

If you're disengaging, there really isn't a relationship between you and the skid.

StressedSickNtired's picture

True. We had a loving step relationship, but I'm not willing to deal with the bullshit anymore that comes from being her assistant parent.

I've talked to my husband about why I'm stepping back and what I've been reading, and he completely understands and had no disappointed attitude. And he realizes he wanted kids, he wanted to divorce the whore, so solo parenting is the result of those choices.

nengooseus's picture

And that't the rub. As a SP, you *are* an assistant parent, and that's a terrible role to have, if the skid doesn't want you there. Or if either of the bio parents make it too hard.

I'm completely disengaged from SS (almost 8 ) and have been for about a year. I grew weary of his nasty little attitude which is encouraged and rewarded by BM. I told DH that I was done, and since that day I don't do anything for him. DH gets it, and we're fine.

As far as what SS thinks of me? Don't care.

nengooseus's picture

You and your DH did it / do it right. But too many parents expect that their spouses will be the "assistant parent" in a step family. Responsibility without authority, so to speak. And thus the need for disengagement.

peacemaker's picture

Downsides?...YES!...Absolutely.

..My Blood Pressure is Down
..My Anxiety and Depression are both WAY Down
..My symptoms of Complex Trauma (created by their constant abuse),...also down
..My constant strife with spouse regarding steps..down
..My nervous symptoms...down
..My reaction mode to mental. emotional, and psychological abuse...down
..My Low self esteem levels...down
..My condition created by consistent rejection...down
..My levels of resentment and personal unforgiveness and bitterness...down....

Yes, I must say there are MANY, MANY down sides to disengagement...Enjoy them all!...Peace

SugarSpice's picture

disengagement means you will no longer bother yourself with the headaches that come from caring or trying to care.

SugarSpice's picture

this is a wonder list of things that are down!

these are great down sides.

the only thing going up is my bank account. i no longer buy things for the skids as they are unappreciative brats who hate me anyway.

Inthemiddle2's picture

"the only thing going up is my bank account. i no longer buy things for the skids as they are unappreciative brats.."

I have disengaged recently and YES my bank account is rising!!! When I think of all the money I have spent on these unappreciative brats I want to scream. I am so happy I finally got help dealing with my situation (via counseling and this site). I am starting to see things from a completely different perspective and finally feel some hope for happiness.

StressedSickNtired's picture

Hahaha....so far nobody has found negatives to disengaging I guess. Since I'm new to this, I feel a little guilty about stepping away from a previously good (meaning we love each other and get along fine) step relationship. But my eyes are opened to what will happen in the future despite my best effort, and I sure as hell am having less anxiety than last summer.

peacemaker's picture

You need to understand one thing...

I did not disengage until all other possible options were exhausted. If you watch the tube video Colluding with being ignored and self betrayal by allen....that will best describe the moment I chose to disengage....Peace.

StressedSickNtired's picture

I'll definitely look it up today. I'm just emotionally exhausted from dealing with skid. Not a bad kid, but a result of poor parenting. And it's not my job to fix it. I'm choosing to step out and lay it all on dad so I can keep my sanity. He's the one that chose to breed with that mess of a woman.
We will never be able to counteract all the coddling from mom in the limited amounts of time we have her, so I'm not dealing with all the tear fits and power struggle anymore. I raised my kids and they turned out well. I've effectively cooparented with XH. I'll support DH, but I'm not involved with crocodile tears. Walking away from that crap, and my anxiety and stress is so much better for it.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Disengagement can be what you want it to be. If you have a good relationship now it can still be good. Do what you want for the child. Only take on what you want to do. Anything else is on the parents. You can be the fun aunt' type person in skids life. Or what ever you want.
Sorry not familiar with the ages or backstory here.

Acratopotes's picture

Down side of disengagement.

Well it almost costed me my relationship. I had to make the decision and SO did not like it very much, thus we broke up for a full week after 14 years. SO came back and I simply told him, now never expect me again to be involved with your brat, she's got a mother and she made it very very clear that her mother and step father is the best parents she ever had. Dissing you, if we are going to be together again you will grow a spine and start teaching your 17 year old brat some manners.

There's a fine line between disengaging from the skids and not from your partner. When you are disengaged you say nothing, you simply observe but you sort of start to resent your partner cause he/she can not see how disrespectful the brat is, how they are treated and well you sort of turn cold because your partner has no back bone to teach his/her spawn some normal life skills.

blayze's picture

100% agree. I suck at disengagement because I cannot sit back and watch someone be disrespected. I will stick up for any child or adult who is being abused, no matter the age of status of the aggressor. I quit a job once, even though the boss wasn't mean to me, she was abusive to my co-worker and I couldn't stand watching it.

Disengagement would NEVER work for me in a home that I pay for. I love peace, and either the non-peaceful people go or I go... I cannot turn a blind eye to disrespect or abuse... ESPECIALLY if it comes from someone's child. Screw that. I'm not witnessing the bs. They (the child, and parent if they have a problem with it) gotta go.

So...downside of disengagement... If you can't ignore what's in front of you and you value a permanent value (like peace or justice) over a relationship, then it will not work.

still learning's picture

Watching adult skid disrespecting, screaming at DH and throw things was horrible. In response DH just sat there, whimpered something and looked sad, then ss32 stormed out of the house. I had the gall to tell DH that that kind of behavior from his son was not acceptable in this house especially since I have minor children who hear everything. Guess who was the bad guy in this whole situation? Me of course. I wasn't supposed to say anything, just pick up what ss threw and pretend nothing ever happened. DH, me, and my children were all just supposed to play along that this is the new normal and ss can do whatever he wants in our home.

That was hard and one of the last times I said anything about ss32. Since then I've gone Trump style and "Built a wall" around myself concerning skid. ss visits and I'm out. I stay far away and keep my kids away from him too.

completely overwhelmed's picture

I haven't been able to completely disengage with my SD because it would make life so much more stressful for my DH having to be a single parent and his boss is a jerk about letting him leave work to take SD to appointments.

I'm not sure SD cares one way or the other. I can be the nicest person in the world to her and she'll still stay I hate her and she hates me.

Dh and I have a 4 year old daughter and she's starting to understand that SD is her half sister and I'm not SDs mom and I don't treat them the same. Its a little awkward since my daughter is learning that mommies and daddies don't always live together and SD doesn't see her mom any more. I worry that SD is always going to be jealous and hateful towards her half-sister and the less I do for her, the more ammo SD has against me. I worry the less I do for Sd it just promotes more jealousy of my DD.

Acratopotes's picture

SD will hate you and blame you for everything, even when you sell DD on the black market only to tend to SD's needs.

Thus accept it and know it, it's part of disengagement lol. I never disengaged from Aergia when she was under 14...the day she started screaming at me and called me names, before that I helped DH, I never parented her.. but if he could not pick her up or take her to an appointment, I did... after that day - I did not care what and how he did it..

I simply said NO call her mum

completely overwhelmed's picture

I wish I could tell her to call her mom but my SD's mom is currently in jail and is a drug addict. So it's more Iike "tough luck your mom cares more about drugs than you".

jct918's picture

I don't have bio kids, but when SO's 13 year old started totally disrespecting me and my home, that was it. It seems the nicer I was to her, the worse she was to me. I have a feeling she would probably say stuff I said to her mom and mom can't stand another woman giving her daughter advice. I do absolutely nothing for her now - if he can't do it, he's got to figure it out. We don't live together, so if he has her overnight (which is almost never anymore) they have to stay at his house. Her mom is a POS, but she's not my problem and neither is the daughter. I didn't ask for either one of them! But I know in the end, the one ending up with all the damage is his daughter.

notasm3's picture

"But we have more choices than just being a wife to make us happy."

And my DH knows that I had a great life before I met him. I don't "need" him to enjoy life. I love him and love my life with him - but I will not give up my well being (ie I will not let SS32 in my life) just to keep DH.

It helps to know we have choices.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I believe the downside is accepting you cannot fix it, but the upside is accepting you cannot fix it... Most of us never wanted this dynamic, but realizing you can never fix it is empowering and a huge stress relief...

The downside is watching other adults parent your husband, and his spineless inability to say or do one single thing, when he knows how horribly wrong they are...huge turn off...everything you have dries up instantly :-).

It is not an ideal situation by any means, but it is the best alternative to YOUR emotional well-being. Bullies who are continuously reinforced are not going to change.

Loxy's picture

I’m doing a soft semi-disengagement approach. Before I get to what that means for me, I’ll provide a bit of background. I took on SD12 and SS11 when they were both in nappies (50/50 custody with BM). Because I was naïve I through myself in head first thinking I would love the kids because I love their Dad. Long story short, the next few years where hell on earth as I realised what I’d really taken on and I grieved for the life I could have had if I’d chosen a man without kids.

I’ve always had the full backing of my DH, he’s never made me feel like a second priority, never undermines my parenting and never makes any decisions about the skids without talking to me – we are a united team and I love him dearly. For this reason, I stuck it out and it did eventually get easier. Both skids view me as their third parent and have always been very accepting.

However, SD12 has always had a range of undiagnosed stuff going on (most likely ADD, OCD and anxiety) that’s got progressively worse as she’s got older. She’s also lazy, lies constantly, has no empathy, is selfish and emotionally stunted. In short, she’s a very unlikable kid and I can't stand being around her.

Despite my feelings, SD12 is very much attached to me although has been picking up more and more on my feelings for her and complaining I prefer SS11 (which is true).
The more time I spend with her the more irritated I get and the less patience I have to deal with her shit so the soft disengagement is the way to go for me.

For me, the soft approach is about three things: Mindset; honesty and small tactical actions.

The mindset is about not caring so much. I used to feel very invested in the skids lives and worry so much about where SD would end up but now I don’t care as much. If SD doesn’t do her homework or does it poorly I don’t care. When BM finally agreed to get SD professional help this year I think that’s great but I had no involvement in what or how that happens. I hope SD can turn it around but I'm also under no illusions that the most likely outcome is that she will turn out just like BM which means I'll always dislike her.

From a honesty perspective this is about introducing small bits into conversations with my SD who until recently was under the delusion that I was no different to her bio parents. I’ve explained to her that my love is not unconditional and if she continues to display behaviours that so fundamentally clash with what’s important to me (ie my values) then her and I will continue to have friction.

From a tactical perspective, it’s small things. DH now drops her off at school instead of me and they spend more time together on weekends so I can have some space. I now also refuse to have the skids if DH is not going to be around ie travelling for work etc which is something I always used to do.

I’m also more vocal, ie when before I used to suffer in silence I just tell DH when I’m struggling and he gets her out of the house and my hair.

DH is also in a better place these days. He really struggled with the friction between SD and me for a long time, which I completely understand as it must be so upsetting when your partner can’t stand your biological kid, but he has never viewed SD with rose coloured glasses so he understands how difficult she is and has recently gone quite zen about it all – ie whatever will be will be.

I wouldn’t rule out full disengagement one day for SD if her behaviours get worse but I’m personally hoping she chooses to live with BM for most of the time in the near future ha ha.

Kes's picture

Main down side to disengaging for me was - I was very lonely EOW when the SDs would come over and DH did stuff with them. I stayed home on my own most times.

I felt I could not comment to them about their behaviour in my house even when I hated it. I had chosen to disengage so I did not feel I could re-engage just when it suited me.

All in all - if I had my time with them over again - I probably would NOT have disengaged. Even though it would have been tough.

jct918's picture

I started to slowly disengage from my SO's daughter (13) a little over a year ago, and am completely disengaged now. BM is high conflict (likely borderline) and is a huge reason behind the disengagement. She is horrible. I'd like a relationship with his daughter, but she is a mini version of her mother, and her mother is doing everything she can to alienate my SO. I told him i don't want to put his daughter in the position of feeling like if she likes me or has fun with me (both of which she does/did) that she will be betraying her mom (which is I'm sure how her mother makes her feel). I can guarantee that her mother is saying all kinds of nasty things about me to her, but daughter will eventually see everything for what it is (unless she turns out just like her mom, which is pretty inevitable). But for now, my relationship with SO is great... I've even asked him to stop sharing/showing me texts from BM. I just get too upset and angry with him for not handling her the way I would. He's come a long way with setting and maintaining boundaries and not engaging in her craziness. She's all talk, no action. When she starts with her threats, he either doesn't respond, or says "ok, if that's what you need to do".

Ispofacto's picture

DH's standard response was "Knock yourself out." Now she's giving him the silent treatment. Such a horrid punishment. Heh. Smile

SweetMom's picture

I stopped forcing myself a long time ago and disengaged but I will help out in situations like helping get her to school or dr. Anything to help her along the way of a better life for herself. I won’t deny any human being that. Accepting I can’t help what others control was a big stress relief off my shoulders. It does bother me how she comes over and says how hard her Mother’s life is and a bad struggle. All I say is I don’t understand why people live beyond their means. For real I do not want to hear the pitty train about her mom.  I offer she can stay longer for the summer but I know she won’t so it all works out. I think sd stays away because she disengaged from me and I’m fine with that.   

fairyo's picture

The downside to mine was that he chose them over me and I am now trying to remake my life as an almost 61 year old woman who has to work to support herself and live in sub-standard housing. Is it better than being a stepmom? Yes, you bet it is!