Husband and his fear of losing skids
Hello – I hope I can get some honest opinion/advice from you and maybe help me to see the situation from different light.
My husband and I are together for 10 years. My older son (22) moved out few month ago and lives on his own. My other son (17) still lives with us. No conflict in our household.
SS25 – lives with my husband old parents. SD22-lives with BM. Since last Christmas I have disengaged from both of them, have no contact with them what so ever.
My husband is a good father and a very good man. He loves his kids and I know he loves me. Since last Christmas he is trying to have a relationship with both his kids without including me. He goes to the town where skids live often and stays in touch with them via text/call.
Problem with SD22 is she is playing hard to catch, saying she is busy all the time, do not initiate the contact with her father, do not share anything important about her life/health and generally is cool towards him. My husband worries that she will grow very distant from him, but not really sure what he can do about it, nether am I.
SS25 is living with my husband’s old parents, working part time, going to college, spending a lot of time at BM house and BM parent’s house and the rest of the time with his girlfriend.
Problem with SS25:
1. Spending all the money on girlfriend and who knows what else and asking my husband parents for money after (last time asked for $3,000 to pay his tuition). He is not paying rent or bills or anything else and also he worked full time for last few years before decided to go back to college.
2. He is not helping as much as he should to his old grandparents.
3. Using grandparent’s car for his own needs and paying nothing for insurance and not helping to drive them when they need something.
4. He is very angry young man – admits that he have a lot of issues but not saying what those issues are. Currently going to therapist to address those issues.
My husband, every time after he visits his kids and parents (who complain about SS25 quite a lot) is absolutely crashed emotionally, worried, and blaming himself for not being better father and overall our life is on hold until he feels better emotionally.
Last night we had argument as I am simply tired seeing my husband in constant stress over his kids, especially SS25 and have told him to ask his son to move with BM. SS25 do not want to move with BM because he has a lot of issues with how she broke their family and allowed SD22 be assaulted by her then boyfriend and list go on and on…BUT he spends a lot of time with her in her house, just don’t live there. My husband’s scared to death that him pushing his son go live with BM will permanently destroy his relationship with him and he will lose both skids to BM and she will be the good one at the end of it all.
What would you do in this situation? I am seriously scared to lose my husband to heart attack as he gets so emotional over both his kids and of course it does affect our marriage in negative way.
Watching your children become
Watching your children become adults can be very difficult even in intact families. You want to help but you need to cut them lose and let them learn on their own. Weaning is part of the parenting process.
Your DH likely feels an enormous amount of guilt for how his kids are turning out and having a screwy BM. But he cannot make that up to them. He can be supportive of his children without taking the toll of their problems onto his shoulders. Google Atlas Syndrome.
The cat and mouse game with an adult female skid is very common. He needs to stop chasing otherwise she will keep running. My OSD is 42 and still behaves this way because DH constantly gave her what she wanted.
You have engaged physically from the skids but are still withdrawing emotionally. I get it - I am in the same spot. Your role is to be supportive to your husband but be detached from the specific challenges the skids are facing. I would recommend joint counseling for both of you. DH needs an outside perspective on how to deal with his adult children and you need assistance on continuing disengagement while supporting your DH. Good luck!
Looks like even thought I
Looks like even thought I thought I am disengaged, truly I am still engaged emotionally....but if I will not contribute to conversation about skids problems and possible solutions, wouldn't I push my husband away and make him feel lonely and eventually start to resent me for not being his partner and help him?
I think there are ways to
I think there are ways to show support without getting too involved emotionally. Listen (and then pretend to listen if he drones), but don't help him try to solve his "problem". Try to let what he is telling you roll off your back (I am secretly laughing inside at this because I am a failure at it - but that's the direction you need to go in).
"Gosh, I am sorry this is upsetting you DH, I wish there were something I could do."
"This is really out of my realm of expertise. Maybe it would be beneficial for us to seek help from a professional?"
I am in this situation alot
I am in this situation alot and it is very hard not to offer any suggestions or guidance but honestly they won't listen anyway because their behavior with their children are part of the reason everything is so messed up. I used to offer my DH help now I just listen and say I'm sorry that things are so messed up. He was complaining just last week that he can't all of his kids AND his wife in the same place for a holiday and that is sad. I agreed it is sad but that is our reality and so we have to accept it. His girls are absolute horrors to their brothers, their brothers wives, my DH and mostly myself. I refuse to be anywhere near them now and funny thing is they have amped up the invites for DH and I to spend time with them. Soooo not falling for that false sense of normalcy. I have been disengaged for almost 2 years now and I life is so much better for me. Yes not for my DH but that is his lot in life since they are HIS children and he had a doing in how they are today.
You wrote that last night you
You wrote that last night you had an argument with your DH about where SS is to live. It is really sad that this is affecting DH emotionally and possibly physically but it is HIS responsibility to deal with the skids issues. You also wrote that you disengaged but to really disengage you need to take yourself entirely out of the equation and not have any long discussions about the skids. If he is upset allow him to vent for two minutes without any feedback and then change the subject.
I know you are very concerned that his stress could cause physical problems but arguing with him will only exacerbate the situation. Calmly and in one sentence, suggest he see a therapist to help with his stress levels.
This is a good advise and I
This is a good advise and I will definitely do my best to try and not have long heated conversations about skids, but what to do with comment "you don't care about my kids" from DH? He cares about my sons, he cares a lot and he have amazing relationship with both of my sons...
"--what to do with comment
"--what to do with comment 'you don't care about my kids' from DH?" Reply: "They do not demonstrate that they care about me and I refuse to be around people who do not practice mutual respect." If he starts to argue about it your response: "That is all I have to say." Why should you be coerced into remaining in a toxic relationship with SS simply because DH and your sons show respect for each other?
It was truly a liberating day when I told DH that SD doesn't like me and I don't like her. If DH had chosen not to continue a relationship with my family that would have been his decision to make, but he knew better. In my opinion, when DH's make statements like "You don't care about my kids" they are trying to manipulate you into going back to stephell as usual so they don't have to deal with the issues that they KNOW exist.
I would just be an ear for
I would just be an ear for your husband when he needs it, but otherwise disengage even more to the point where you don't know any details. These kids sound like losers. Why subject yourself to this?
Fear of losing kids... who
Fear of losing kids... who are adults? :? :jawdrop:
I don't get this. Fine, some adult kids are better at keeping in touch with mom and dad than others but.... they are adults. Your DH has some pathetic to work through on this I think.
Parents make mistakes when raising their kids. All of us do. There is no manual and if there was it would have to be significantly modified for each kid/parent combo.
At some point the baggage of the mistakes that our parents made with us becomes our problem to solve. Your DH needs to realize this and quit guilt tripping himself over the past.
Moving forward is his only chance of success in this.
IMHO of course.
What would I do - I would
What would I do - I would simply stay out of this, you are disengaged, DH needs to wake up on his own time.
1. DH wants a relationship with SD, she ignores him... nothing to do with you, if DH talks about it listen for 3 minutes and change the subject
2. SS25 and not doing anything with his life but sponging off his grand parents.. nothing to do with you, they are adults, they can give him notice and kick him out of the house, the only thing you do is to tell your DH, SS is not moving in with you and stand strong on this
3. Separate finances, if DH wants to pay for either adult child it's from his money and not yours, and he can hand them what ever he wants, after he paid his share off bills and put some away for retirement, cause you will not be supporting a broke old man in retirement.
Remain disengaged, none off these people are your family, make sure SS does not move in with you, listen to DH when he bitches about it all, 3 minutes only and change the subject. Enjoy your life and be grateful skids are not living with you, your mission is to keep it that way
You're much more generous
You're much more generous than me Acra, I only let DH go on about skid for 2 minutes! By that time my eyes are almost rolled into the back of my head and I mentally and physically just can't take anymore.
I know SO is goin to talk
so 3minutes is a very very long time for my ears to be shut.... then I start talking
How have I survive 10 years
How have I survive 10 years of step hell without this forum???? Thank you ladies for your support and advice.
P.S. Acrotopotes "Blended family life turned me into a pirate....All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people" LOL I might make a tattoo with this saying...on my forehead
you can use it any day.... I
you can use it any day....
I should actually think of something new.... cause at this stage of blended life, I don't need rum to stab a person....
I just have to see their face and I'm ready with a couple of daggers
My counselor told me not to
My counselor told me not to let DH indulge in dumping skid problems on me. She said, "Let him be alone to sit w/all of those feeling and emotions, they are his to deal with not yours." Listen for a few minutes then change the subject, you're not DH and skids family therapist, you can't solve their issues. When you let him dump on you all that will happen is that you get covered in their sh*t.
Be away from the house when DH comes back from visiting w/his children, give him time to process and transition.
dh lost custody of his
dh lost custody of his children when adulterous bm moved away to marry her lover--who was himself married.
dh did not even have the balls to hire an attorney and divorce went through uncontested. he did not even call bm bluff.
now skids are growing up, marrying and raising children of their own. some of his friends are dying and dh is having a melt down mid life crisis.
too bad he missed his children growing up but that was thanks to bm. dh projects his rage at bm on me and i am getting sick of it.