will ss25 want to FINALLY move out once the twins are born?
DH and I are expecting twins in the late fall. I'm really excited, especialy considering all we've been through to have kids. But the closer we get to the twins coming, the more anxious I get for ss25 to move out of our house.
The guy is a pig. Never cleans up after himself, never helps out around the house, does not contribute one penny financially towards any of our expenses. We moved him out of his room so we could replace his stinky man oasis with a nursery for the babies. So we fixed up the basement, replaced the ceiling, replaced the paneling with drywall, put in a new floor, and added new walls so he could not only have a place to hang out, but a bedroom that was closed off from the other part of the basement as well. We didn't do this JUST for ss25. DH also has another son, ss21, who attends school full time AND is in the military. So when he does come home, which isn't very often, we would have room for him as well.
My problem is this - I know that when the twins are born I am going to have a LOT of work on my hands. I'll be feeding two more, cleaning up after two more, and doing laundry for two more. ss25 hasn't done his laundry in so long, he has resorted to taking clothes from DH and myself, without asking, I might add, because he has NOTHING clean. Originally, DH and I thought ss25 would be living with us for a month, maybe two. But it's been 3 years.
Our next thought was that when ss25 found out we were expecting, he'd whip his own ass into shape, find a job (he only works part time), and WANT to move out, so as not to be surrounded by crying infants all the time. But that was also to no avail. Now we are thinking that after the babies are born, ss25 will realize that he doesn't want to live with us, and then get his life together and move out.
But it seems like the more time that passes, the more I realize this guy has no plans of leaving.... EVER. How do I get ss25 to get a job and move out without saying it in a way that will hurt him? I've confronted DH about this several times, but to no avail. I'm coming to the end of my rope. Tired of burning the candle at both ends, only to come home after working two jobs to see him loafing around on my couch with his feet up and his hand in the potato chip bag.
Please help!!
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Is DH on the same page as
Is DH on the same page as you? Maybe you should suggest charging him rent. Make it low enough to pay, but high enough that he will realize he could live on his own at the same rate. That should motivate him. Who wants to pay to live at their parents house?
That's a good point. Maybe
That's a good point. Maybe we can charge him rent and when it adds up to be enough on a deposit for an apartment, give it back to him and tell him he needs to go. I will bring that up to DH and see what he thinks. Thanks!
My ss35 lives with us and has
My ss35 lives with us and has been given a dealine by DH and me of 3 months to get out. Trust me dear, this is the only way to deal with this. I went through the same thing with my middle son a decade ago. He thought working 20 hours a week was sufficient. Never cleaned or picked up after himself. Took money. He did cook though so that was nice, but never washed a dish.
You and DH need to set down the tough love rules. I know you won't like to, but I would be on ss case all the time to do chores and help you out. Don't worry about hurting his precious feelings for crying out loud! He's an adult!!!
By the way, when I kicked my son out at age 26 it was the best thing in the world for him. He has sense told me I should have done it years before then!!! Hang in there and congrats on the new babies!
We recently went through this
We recently went through this with SS19. He could have stayed longer if he would have paid his own bills, picked up after himself and stopped being disrespectful to me so he could go to school. He's been out for a little over a month now and he works 2 part time jobs because he knows we won't pick up his slack anymore. Its tough love but it needs to be done because if you don't you will have a life time mooch living in your house. These are adults we are talking about not children, my oldest SS just recently enrolled himself in college (I'm so proud) because he figures he doesn't want to work dead end jobs his whole life, he's growing up at 23 but he is growing up and I think its great. Had we paid for college for him I know he would have failed because he didn't work for it now he's ready to go and he's going on his dime I'm expecting him to be on the honor roll.
Yes, I've brought it up to DH
Yes, I've brought it up to DH over and over again. He knows that I don't like him sponging off of us. It would be different if he were actually trying. Like working full time, going to school full time and working part time, or even LOOKING for a full time job. But he doesn't do any of that. He has a bachelor's degree. He works part time at a pizza shop because he CHOOSES to do so. DH thinks there is something wrong with him, like he's depressed or something. He also thinks that SS25 is so afraid he might fail, that he doesn't want to try at anything. You might be right. I might be stuck. As I sit here typing this reply, I realize just how many excuses DH is coming up with to avoid the issue of confronting him. DH did confront him once, months ago. SS25 said he was going to look for a job. Never happened.
I agree with Stepgin. You
I agree with Stepgin. You guys are making it too paushy for this kid to continue to mooch off you. My youngest daughter went through this for a while. Finally I had to give her chores, since she was home all the time, charge her rent, part of the electric, etc. Yes, it was hard to do, but constantly picking up her slack was enabling her and as a parent, I certainly wasn't doing her any favors for her to become a productive member of society. I even gave her a curfew since she was living in my house. She realized it was worth it to get her crap together and get out on her own. She is actually doing quite well now.
You and your husband need to come up with some house rules and financial strategies. Then, your husband needs to enforce it. There is no reason for a 25 year old man to be living at home.
I found that the only way to
I found that the only way to get adult toddlers to become responsible is to make them become responsible. Stop doing laundry, cooking etc for them. Give them goals they must follow such as finding a job and give them a move out date and don't back down except in extreme situations such as an unexpected illness or something serious that causes them to be unable to reasonably obtain those goals. You should not have a 25 year old MAN living in your house under the circumstances you described
I had this problem with SD If
I had this problem with SD
If it was up to my DH - she would still be living with us. She was 25 and I had to put my foot down.
The real question is why is your SS at 25YO still living at home? Is he going to school? Is he unemployed? What's up with the boy?
You need to have a talk with DH and make a plan to move him out. DH will not want to push his son out without ensuring that his son has a safe place to go. That's understandable and fair. You need to let DH know of your concerns after the twins are born, the stress, workload, etc. That's fair too.
For me - it would be tough love time. Good luck.
And congrats on the the twins - - how exciting!
Dear Jesus and baby Jesus,
Dear Jesus and baby Jesus, dont let this be my future!
I was thinking along the same
I was thinking along the same lines. SD does not currently live with us but has told friends she does not plan to move out on her own once she finishes high school because she doesn't want to have to support herself. I sure hope she doesn't think she's going to move back in here!
In the back of my mind I
In the back of my mind I always think my SS16 will end up living in our basement just because he cant do anything for himself. God help us all!
BTW, who wouldnt want to go out and live on their own? I couldnt WAIT to get out on my own!
Why would they? Want to move
Why would they?
Want to move out? They have everything provided for them: car, phone, pc, meals, laundry, maid service and guilty parents who let them do anything they want. Heck I'd still be at home with that kind of life!!! }:)