Disneyland Parent and step sibling conflict help
I can't seem to find anything when I Google, but I am assuming this must be a common problem among blended families where each spouse brings their offspring to the marriage. I have an only child and he used to have just me. Now he has my partner and her two kids close in age as siblings. My son is 9, her son is 8, and her daughter 11. The boys are close yet of course deal with normal sibling issues of fairness and competitiveness. Her kids live with us full time and visit their other mom (yes, there are three moms in this story) on Tuesdays and every other weekend. She is not a person of structure (was not prior to the end of their relationship either) and spends her time with the kids only doing fun things and getting them whatever they want (the Disney Land parent). The problem is that we don't raise the kids like this in our household (over indulgence) and my son feels jealous of course. It is hard to see him in pain, but I don't want to over compensate for the situation at the other house. I don't think that is healthy, not for him, and not for the other kids.
I don't know how to blend when transition is always so hard...when my partner's son is spoiled at the other house and brags about it to my son. I don't know how to fully embrace my partner's kids when these issues keep cropping up and creating rifts in our household. All I want is consistency, love, and kindness, but it seems I don't get to have any control over that. My partner and I are great and have the same goals and values in raising our kids together, and we want to feel unified as a family, but kids are kids. Of course there is sibling rivalry and is natural for the 8 year old to like that he gets to get stuff his brother does not, but it breaks my heart to see the child I brought into the relationship so hurt every other weekend. We tell the 8 year old all of the time to just enjoy his time with his other mom and the importance of not bragging about it, but behind close doors when they are together it still happens. Is there any other solution?
I suggest that you discuss
I suggest that you discuss this directly with your son. Explain to him that he has things that his StepSibs don't just as they have things that he does not have. Then.... be very active with your son in between Skid invasion weekends. The StepBro may have the results of over indulgence from mom #3 but your son will have very powerful experiences to counter with. Things like nature walks in the woods, art sessions, movie nights, book reading together, etc, etc, etc..... no kid will ever remember an amazing gaming session with the Disney Parent but they will remember for the rest of their lives a cool nature hike with you, or an amazing play, symphony, concert, trip to an art museum, etc, etc, etc.... Most mid sized cities have options for these kinds of activities.
My kid (SS-24 now adopted by me) is a gaming addict but when he is telling stories about his family to his coworkers, friends, etc.... his stories are filled with actual things that we did as a family and not one word about the game of the moment from various phases of his childhood.
There is no need to lament the actions of the Disney Mom in your blended family situation. Quality parenting and active interface with your son will do that for you.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
True! Yes, we have been
True! Yes, we have been talking about how to have more quality experiences when the steps are away. We have been trying before now, of course, but I think finding a more focused plan and sticking to it (instead of flying by the seat of our pants) should help. We are now also committed to each of us planning monthly "dates" with each kid to get that one-on-one quality time with all of them.
Any suggestions for how to feel more unified as a family? It feels like we are all one family one minute and then like two another, especially at transition time or when these issues come up. It is hard to keep emotions from yo-yo'ing with external issues pressing on our family. Do blended families never get there, to feeling unified like one family, and so should I just stop hoping for that? I just wonder if I am being unrealistic, but I also don't want to just choose an apathetic outlook on being a family. We have at least 10 more years of two of them in the house. It sounds depressing to lose hope...
I think that it is possible
I think that it is possible for a blended family to create a close dynamic all its own. For us it was a simpler process than what you face. I have no BKs and my wife only brought one to the party. We met when SS-24 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo so our dynamic is probably as close to that of a "normal" initial family as is possible for a blended family.
SS had regular visitation with his bio-paternal clan though it was for the most part toxic for him with their incessant manipulation and guilt tripping him over his charmed life with us while his three younger also out of wedlock spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas did not have a similar experience.
This entire dynamic made it relatively straight forward for the three of us to bond and be a family. Countering the SpermClan manipulative and toxic crap served as a very good bonding tool for us.
I would say that the best way to build the unified family you desire is to establish and stick with a foundation of behavioral standards in your home and holding all of the kids accountable to those standards regardless of their resident or visitation status in the family home. Limiting the narrative of what happens at mom's house when the Skids are at your home is another good way to go. Family meal time, family activities, etc.... with structure and lots of action would go a long way to building what you seek.
My thoughts are that the experiences between visiting kids and resident kids should not be manipulated in a way that limits the experiences of resident kids until the visiting kids are in house. The visiting kids have experiences and activities that the resident kids don't have and vise versa. Another key success factor is that the rules at the other parents house don't matter, once kids arrive for a visitation the rules immediately apply and they have no choice but to integrate for the duration of their visit.
It works for managing corporate culture and performance it works just as well in blended families. Tuning out as much of the emotion as possible also helps. Building a blended family is a lot like building love. Action builds the bonds and the feelings. Focus on the actions and the bonds and feelings will grow.
All IMHO of course. Good luck.
We lived with this for years.
We lived with this for years. It was hard and both my DH and the biomom competed to overindulge those kids much to the detriment of mine. All I can offer is my skids have made very little of themselves as adults, single, homeless parent on welfare, whereas mine is headed to law school and beyond. Keep your eye on the long game and focus on quality rather than buying your children