My SO wants me to watch his son a few nights a week... Is it wrong for me to say no?
A little background:
My SO and I have known each other for about 1 1/2 years and dated for 6 months. We are 32 yrs old, he currently lives with his parents and has his son full time. BM's presence is sporadic. He has been living with his parents for about a year now since he split from BM.
The Issue:
His parents' house is getting foreclosed and he needs to find a place to live as well as childcare. His mom has been watching his son at night when he works. He has asked me to move in multiple times, pressured me, fought with me about how I don't love him enough to move forward with him. I have stood my ground on the fact that I am not ready to move in with him and he has since let that drop. He is finally looking for his own place and coming to terms that he can't afford what hes looking for. On top of that, he has to find daycare and a way to pay for it. He has fought with his mother on a regular basis regarding childcare and does not want to ask for her help. Neither of them has a car nor the means to get around; so if he did want her help, it would mean that she would most likely have to live with him.
Today he got upset with me because I have not offered to watch his son for him a few nights throughout the week. He also expressed how he feels that everything is unfair because I have free time and get to do what I want when I want. He’s made statements like I am just watching him drown and am not willing to help. The only reason why he was able to see apartments was because I spent my days off on the weekends to drive him to where he needs to go. I have a very packed schedule on a weekly basis and would have to change my life a bit if I were to watch his son. I love them both, but I feel like it would be enabling him to continue to rely on others instead of letting him build a good foundation for him and his son without dependence on anyone else.
He also tried to work an angle where he’s upset that I am not willing to move forward with him. I told him that I feel like he is rushing things and that he shouldn't rush to move in with someone if he isn't sure especially for his son's sake.
Overall I’m just feeling pressured to take on responsibilities that I don't think are mine. Am I wrong to think this?
He's only been separated from
He's only been separated from BM for a year.
You've only known him for a year and half.
You have only been dating for 6 months.
He doesn't have a vehicle.
He got mad at you because you don't want to live with him. He is looking for someone to take care of him and take care of his kid. Don't fall for it.
6 months is too soon for this
6 months is too soon for this much drama. No is a complete answer and you don't need to justify it. You are not his childminder and transport. Please don't let yourself be, you will become incredibly bitter later on and blame the child.
Run. Please run. If you
Run. Please run. If you don't, this will be your life from now on. Don't be sucked in. You seem so smart and level headed. Don't form any more emotional bond with this or it will be toxic to you. Trust me. That kid will be in his life from now on as well as BM, 47 years from now, you will be writing this same blog. Only, it will be more intensive and you will be asking why didn't I run.
I'm sorry I don't feel this
I'm sorry I don't feel this man truly loves YOU. He loves the idea of being with someone and being taken care of. It's not your job and no you shouldn't be guilty. He's showing his true colors and I'd be running for the hills.
I understand you may feel very much in love with this man but he is trying to take advantage of you.
So, he is in his 30's. no
So, he is in his 30's. no home, no car, with a dependent. His parents are getting foreclosed upon and they have no car either. Oh.. and he fights with his family and wants you to move fast so you can help support him financially and watch his kid.
What exactly attracts you to this guy? He sounds like a loser that comes from a long line of them.
Really.. I am not trying to be so harsh but he really seems like he will be an anchor to your life. You sound like you are reasonably smart and level headed.
Clever nailed it!! 100%!!
Clever nailed it!! 100%!!
Dang Cleve, you need to write
Dang Cleve, you need to write the "Tell it like it is" advice column!
Yes, I do feel like a first
Yes, I do feel like a first class fool for getting sucked into all of this and going against my gut and better judgement. I guess he is a silver tongued fox that caught me in his web. It's crazy how when we talk, he is able to deliver his demands in a way that doesn't sound ridiculous. All the red flags are there and it's quite sad that I have been seeing them but for some reason making excuses or overlooking them.
Thanks for your input. I will have to make some big decisions.
And thank yourself for having
And thank yourself for having the common sense to NOT let him (and his kid) move himself in with you. You realize how difficult it would be to deal with that! You would most likely have to legally evict the guy.. and throwing a child out on the streets with her dad.. also difficult.
Wow, that's sign for sure LOL
Wow, that's sign for sure LOL
Let's start a GO FUND ME for
Let's start a GO FUND ME for some good running shoes and blinders for her.
DO NOT get sucked in and
DO NOT get sucked in and watch his kid. DO NOT save this man from himself and let him move in and keep his kid. He is looking for someone to replace him mom. Even she is getting sick of taking care of a grown man. You are not responsible for saving him.
I would get out of this emotionally manipulative relationship and find someone who doesn't resent you for not having kids and being FREE!
Don't call yourself a fool.
Don't call yourself a fool. It normally takes a good six months for the veneer of a manipulator to wear off. Well done for seeing this for what it is. You know you need to walk away. Now it's just a matter of how...do you really need to argue with this twat any more, or would it be mentally healthier for you to just politely evaporate?
Consider it a dodged bullet. Look, at six months, he is barely a bad date let alone your "partner". It's so easy to get all lurved up when you're in the thick of something and wishing magically it's all going to work out. It's not. You are being used.
I'd be willing to bet this guy will be back with BM in the months to come. You just got caught in the middle. Sail on, feel a little sad about some wasted time, and embrace your freedom. Yippee.
What do you parents think of
What do you parents think of your current state of affairs?
To answer your question, MY answer is no. It is not mean spirited, rude, uncaring, unloving and all of the other bs lines he may come UP with to say NO to your boyfriend.
Is this your first relationship. IF not, you would have recognized his rigor-ma-row
a long time ago and you would have walked a long time ago.
GoodLuck
Overall, I think they trust
Overall, I think they trust my judgement and the things I decide and will be there for me if I need them. My mom has just said be careful but that's it. Thy also live in another state far away. I'm here by myself for the most part. Moved here for work but I have a great network of supportive friends. Needless to say, they don't like him.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice.
LOSER/USER
LOSER/USER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Glad you've had the common sense to resist this.
Guaranteed if you watch his
Guaranteed if you watch his son overnight by the end of the week they will be moved in rather you like it or not!
I agree with every post so
I agree with every post so far, but I want to add one thing. His Parents. They are also losers, please don't think for one second that that mess won't spill over to you. Their home is being foreclosed on and they also don't have a car? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, people for the most part get a lot of influence from the way they were raised.
The divorce is fresh, the kid is under 2 years old and you have only been together 6 months? Get out now!!
Just tell him you feel like you need to pump the brakes a bit and focus on your career or something along those lines.
I think it's wise to walk
I think it's wise to walk away with no discussion. What's to discuss. He'll only lay the blame on thick, or get balshy, or worse, get violent. Please tke my word for it, even mild mannered guys get murderous when they realise the jig is up. Please be careful. No need to get any last minute digs in. Escape with your freedom, and leave yourself free of bitter last minute arguing.
I did this to a narcissist in my life five years ago. He never actually understood why I disappeared, he was so self absorbed. I still get "poor me" messages which I simply ignore.
A year from now, let us know how you are doing. I bet you will be glad you left.
You were so right! Did he
You were so right! Did he bug you/bombard you with texts when you left?
Omg, do not pass go, do not
Omg, do not pass go, do not collect 200$. RUN!!
RUN!!!!!! You have been
RUN!!!!!!
You have been warned.
clearly SO views you as a
clearly SO views you as a free babysitter. and you have only been dating 1 1/2 years. clearly if you married this may you would be expected to do more.
i sympathise with the situation but i am no free baby sitter. neither are you.
maybe one night would be OK, but this is a few nights a week and a commitment.
why should you do this for free? have the father and bm work out an arrangement for the care of their child.
i agree that his whole family is a bunch of losers.
double post
double post
Holy crap!! Girl..you need to
Holy crap!! Girl..you need to sprint..not just run..sprint!! Get the hell outta there!!
I am not going to tell you to
I am not going to tell you to leave, because people will do what they are going to do. But this guy is clearly incapable of taking care of himself, and right now he wishes to push as much of that onto you as you are willing to accept. His problems are not your responsibility. Do not watch his kid. Do not pay his bills. Do not give him free room and board. Do not do not do not. He will find another way, or he will find another mark uhm errr I mean woman, and you will find out how much you actually meant to him.
H..ll no to the h...ll no on
H..ll no to the h...ll no on this one... The posters above are correct..stand your ground. NO move in..ever....go ahead and start looking for somebody that can offer you a better life.
I want to sincerely thank
I want to sincerely thank everyone who took time out of their day to give me advice and feedback on my situation. it's crazy how I didn't see it until now. I have a tendency to believe in the best in people so I was definitely blinded by that mindset. I'm guessing he's getting desperate which is causing him to lose his composure and slipping up. I'm thankful that I am finally able to see his true colors now instead of years from now. Scary!
I've since told him I was not going to enable him to rely on others. He wasn't happy, but said he'd figure it out. That gave me a little hope... until later when he proceeded to blame me for his problems and for not being his solution. I think at one point he even said that I "did this to him and wasted his time." When I wouldn't respond to his texts anymore, his exact words in various texts: "Thanks for the awesome situation lol don't worry though I'll make it work. I hope your happy. you win. take care... good luck..." and there's about 7 more texts that were sent later in the same fashion. I'm sure he's trying to get me to respond/react.
Proud of you for ending it.
Proud of you for ending it. Each day becomes easier and easier. They say 1 week grieving for every month together. So in 6 weeks, you will be completely over him.
Oh, he is quite the victim,
Oh, he is quite the victim, isn't he?
Consider yourself lucky that you only lost 6 months of being single on this loser.
You are 32, set some standards for the next guy and stick to them. Must have a driver's license, must have a car, must have a job, must be self reliant, etc.
I dated a lot of losers when I was young but there comes a time when we have to stop playing the rescuer or dating guys because they are nice (or we believe they are) and overlooking everything else.
You will find someone a lot more suited for you than that immature jerk.
He's an entitled little
He's an entitled little prince. The only way he's ever going to learn any responsibility is when people stop giving him the world he believes is his birthright. And yes, he is going to make A LOT OF NOISE while this process is happening.
I think you have found some
I think you have found some internal clarity on the difference between love and that tingly feeling you get when you run to the rescue of this pathetic waste of flesh you are currently partnered with.
If you had not come to the conclusion you have I would say that he needs to step up and be your equity life partner... something he is singularly failing to do at an epic level. He is incapable of supporting himself much less a child.
Re-read your original post. Give yourself a bright future and stay the course in dumping this guy and moving on without this waste of partnership and parental skin and his shallow and toxic gene pool (His mommy, etc...).
Good luck.
Take care of you.