missmama1234's picture

Feeling more like a babysitter

I am helping dh raise his son who is 10 with a bad attitude and very sarcastic.
I feel I cannot be totally open and honest with him about my concerns because he always decends his son and I ens up being the one who is overreacting.

His son clicked his tongue to call me today like I was a dog and I ignored him but it really made me feel sick. But my dh said it'/ not a big deal. I have taken on the mom role and I do everything for them in addition to taking care of our two baby boys under two. I have my hands and my heart full. But I wish I could be taken more seriously from my dh and that he can take it when i try to have parent conversations about his son because that is pretty much what I am to him now...I deserve the right to be heard right?

Echo's picture

When someones offends or

When someones offends or hurts you, some one else doesn't get to determine that they have not. Screw your husband.

Have you come straight out and in firm and clear words TOLD your husband how you're feeling ? Not passive words, but STRONG words ?? We teach people how to treat us and if he's treating you like a Nanny with benefits you need to stand up tall and shut that crap down HARD. Because until you make your husband hear you, he's going to continue to discount you.

If your husband doesn't hear you, then you need to step back. Care for YOUR kids and he can provide ALL the care for his first born. And I mean ALL the care...driving to school, laundry, cooking his meals, etc. Don't cave.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

SugarSpice's picture

echo, you are right on target

echo, you are right on target with this. so many of us step moms want to be accepted and dont sat what is on our minds, quietly putting up with all sort of step crap.

if all else fails disengage. let dh parent his son .

momjeans's picture

Yes, what Echo said. Your DH

Yes, what Echo said.

Your DH owes you respect and acknowledgment, in voicing your uncomfortableness with how his child is calling on you. Shutting you down, and making you feel bad for opening up is not being a supportive spouse.

"You f***ing b**ch! Just wait until you have kids!" - BM yelling across a busy public parking lot

notasm3's picture

Spend your time, energy and

Spend your time, energy and resources on your two children. Your obnoxious and offensive SS should just be ignored. Not your problem. If your ahole DH does not want to hear your concerns about his ahole son - then just STOP having anything to do with the ahole son.

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but rather the lighting of a fire." William Butler Yeats

sueu2's picture

So, if we agree that you

So, if we agree that you deserve the right to be heard, what difference will it make? I'm wondering what it matters to your husband and what it matters to you for people to agree with you?

You need someone to agree because you are constantly invalidated and disrespected at home. But, unless your husband is subject to the opinions of this board, nothing will change at home. That means you have to determine what it is you fear that you allow yourself to be treated this way. Do you fear leaving him? Do you fear he will leave you?

Think about it and answer that question for yourself. "What is it I fear that makes me tolerate being treated so badly?" You don't have to tell us, but you really do need to face your fears because the only husbands that changed their ways were those who were made to realize they had something to lose. As long as you take it, he will keep doing it and will keep allowing his son to do it.

What is it you fear?

missmama1234's picture

I just want to be supported

I just want to be supported ans to know he is on the same page as me.
I am afraid he will resent me deep down..

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Sue, you are spot on. And I

Sue, you are spot on. And I really, really really! like the manner in which you laid out your thoughts. Non-confrontational and thought provoking:)

"I would rather live a short happy life than a long life in a miserable way." Author unknown

missmama1234's picture

He calls me a stupid crazy

He calls me a stupid crazy bitch when it escalates. He always blames me for making things worse but I always start the conversation calm and he is actually the one that begins to raise his voice and get mad first these days.

Echo's picture

He calls you "stupid crazy

He calls you "stupid crazy bitch" so you stay with him WHY? Because you want your precious children to grow up hearing their Dad call you that? Because you want your two sons to grow up calling you those names because they hear their Dad say them to you?

I should know. Ask me how it felt to have my beautiful little four year old son look at me and call me a "f'ing c*nt"...

I have come to believe that it's child abuse when neither parent protects the child/ren from a hostile (name calling) environment. Love your babies more than you love him.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

SugarSpice's picture

time to disengage. owning

time to disengage.

owning those hurtful words can empower you. if you empower yourself you can turn the tables on your husband. your husband sounds very insecure to call you those names. i know because my dh did the same thing to me.

name calling is actually a form of emotional abuse and has to be viewed as such.

Disneyfan's picture

Disengage???? Why stay with a

Disengage????

Why stay with a man you treats you this way???? The man's actions and words make it abundantly clear that he has zero respect for her. Disengaging from the child won't change the way her husband speaks to her when he is angry.

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

Acratopotes's picture

The only thing you can do is

The only thing you can do is disengage, read the link below.....

simply stop doing for SS and stop having him under your feet, if DH is not there, SS is not there, it's that simple... you make plans for you and your kids, and if DH leaves, smile and say Hon, I'm taking my kids to the park, what are you going to do about SS he's to young to stay alone...

If DH say you can take him with you, smile and say I will have my hands full with the younger kids and SS does not listen to me and disrespects me so nope not taking him untill he has some manners...

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

secret's picture

When my SS is "rude" to me

When my SS is "rude" to me (he's little still, so a lot is testing boundaries etc...)

In my case, I simply tell him, that was rude, and walk away. Next time he asks me for something, I tell him that I don't do things for little boys who are rude to me

I never involved SO in this... I simply did it. I have the right to not be treated rudely in my home, bloodlines be d@mned... and after a few times, SO picked up that I wasn't letting SS get away with the behavior... now, if kid does something "rude", SO will generally call him on it.

Have you tried discussing it with your DH in the way that if you wouldn't accept that kind of behavior from a coworker, you're sure as sh!t not going to accept it from a 10 year old?

Pecanflower's picture

Two choices: 1. Disengage.

Two choices:

1. Disengage. DH takes care of rude SS. Completely. You are not SS's parent. Don't act like it. Stand strong and defend yourself.
2. LEAVE. Disrespect is being learned. If your DH is calling you stupid and crazy; and your SS is clicking to call you like a dog; he is learning it from somewhere.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

"His son clicked his tongue

"His son clicked his tongue to call me today like I was a dog."

Ooh, that right there pushed my buttons! YSS did something similar, as he learned it from BM, who treated everyone she encountered like they were beneath her. YSS would either whistle or snap his fingers to attempt to summon either DH or I. He was about SEVEN when he started that shit, and it was shut down by both DH and I immediately. You don't treat any human being like that; I don't care who it is.

But I digress....

Don't wrestle with a pig. You only end up getting dirty and besides, the pig likes it.

I wish I were a unicorn so I could stab all the fucktards with my head.

MizFoxie's picture

the brat "clicked his tongue

the brat "clicked his tongue at ya "huh? Your not a dog why did you even respond to that bratty stunt? finger snapping whistles and "clicking" are NOT acceptable ways to get anyones attation or help.. whats the worst that could happen if you ingored tha kid? he would tattle to daddy? if that happens .. you say calmly .. I am not the dog and don't answer to such calls.. and then walk away from the convo.

yes INGORE such behaviours .. he isn't gonna die or get hurt .. so he doesn't need you..

you should tell te kid to call his dad or his mom or his grandparents in such a fashion and see how they respond ..

Yup, its me

http://foxie.us

hereiam's picture

Maybe you should have bit

Maybe you should have bit him. You know, like a dogs do to people they don't like. Bite your husband, while you're at it.

SM12's picture

I totally understand how you

I totally understand how you feel and it is frustrating. But here are a few hints on how to handle that bratty 10 yr old.

First of all, it appears you are left alone with the kids enough that you are feeling resentful. I get it, been there done that. But use that to your advantage.
Whip (not physically) that 10 yr old into shape. Stop being afraid of the kid. If he disrespects you, take respect back by giving clear orders of what you will and will not tolerate. Make him understand that YOU will NOT tolerate being treated as if you were a pet. You will DEMAND that he treat you respectfully or he get punished. If your DH doesn't like it, then he can find day care for the kid.

I had to do this with my SS's. The oldest two stopped wanting to come over when DH wasn't here because I demanded they act right. The YSS used to be a bratty, whiny, crybaby who would scream the second he didn't get his way. I was left along with this kid a lot. I changed all that behavior. BM and DH both know that YSS doesn't push my buttons they way he will them. because I demanded he act right and handed out punishment when he didn't.

Stop being afraid of this kid.