My simple answer is yes. If you are considering going to therapy and feel it would help you then do it. Therapy isn’t something shameful. It would give you a place to vent your frustrations and maybe come up with ways to handle the stressors in your life.

One other thing you may want to consider therapy with your partner if you two cannot agree on how to handle this kid.

You should not have to be the only disciplinarian. That sets you up to fight with him. My SO’s ex use to make him the only disciplinarian. Now she’s struggling to handle the kids and has no clue how to get them behave. Since I’ve stepped in and backed him he has a much better relationship with the children. He has had to request the school teachers stop using him as a threat with the children since it is pointless and not helpful for his relationship with the kids.

You just like every other step parent on this site have a right to expect a certain level of respect in your household. If other’s are not assisting you then it is their fault the child is turning out the way he is. You need to make sure to take care of yourself first because only then can you help your partner and maybe the kid.

I absolutely refused to allow my husband to use me as an excuse why the kids had to do something or couldn't do something. I was not going to be the heavy with them. They were his kids and if he didn't agree with my line of thinking then he deals with it as he sees fit. But, no way did he get to make me the punisher while he allowed his girls to go behind my back when they wanted their way.

I mean, it's fine as the step to be able to correct or coach a kid when the parent isn't around and the need is immediate. However, I maintain that the step shouldn't have to take on the disciplinarian role unless the bio parent isn't present and won't be able to deal with the issue in a timely manner. I felt free to give my SD's "life advice" but that was along the lines of coaching them on studying hard in school to get a good job.. save money etc.. not in a punishment way. Now, when there WERE issues where discipline needed to be handed down, I often put my 2 cents in to my DH, but HE dealt the cards to the kids and didn't invoke my name when he did it.

As a stepfather, you can certainly take on many parent-type roles. You can be a role model and a care-taker and even help support (if you want). But, I do think that the disciplinary role needs to primarily be the bio parent. It doesn't get thrust upon you just because you are a man.

It sounds like his family has coddled him quite a bit. I understand your interest in wanting him to be better than he is but you can't care more than his own family does.

I think a bit of stepping back on your part and insisting that your DW step up and deal with her son is important. You can explain that putting you in this position is making a better relationship with him impossible. Don't stress that you don't like him, but couch it in terms that you worry about his health, his future and his ability to get along in the world. You want his mom to help him be better at things so that he will lead a happier life.

There is no shame in seeking counselling. In fact it's a sign of strength to be able to admit you need some advice.

You have done an admirable thing to take on a step,son and now you are trying to do the right thing any father does....show him how to be a man. Problem is, sounds like other family members have this expectation on you despite the kid's dysfunctional personality. It seems that unless his mother steps up and seeks a solution in the form of discipline, boundaries and expectations (tough love) then how can you succeed alone.

If you find yourself near a place of violence, then you do need to,step away. Worst case scenario would involve walking away permanently but consider how that would turn out for your younger son.

First... .you have an 11yo SS in high school? I assume that he was 11 a number of years ago and is now in high school.

I for one take the topic of counseling with a grain of salt. Certainly I gained great benefit from it when my XW and I were doing couples therapy and I continued with that therapist when my XW stormed out of the last session she attended when the therapist decided it was time to address the lack of intimacy in our marriage. She had no issue with intimacy or sex... she was shopping the pooty to every swinging Johnson in her immediate vicinity at the time.... unbeknownst to me.

The therapist was integral to my regaining contact with the Rags I liked being. You may find a therapist that can help you do the same since it appears that you are somewhat disconnected from the S.U.P that you enjoy being.

I would advise that if you choose counseling that you be prepared to fire your therapist as soon as any esteem, deal with it, be nice to the step Spawn, etc... crap is mentioned. Find a therapist with a firm grounding in traditional parenting role therapy and the perspective that kids are told and they comply .... PERIOD!

If you find one of these rare therapist gems... .make sure you drag your bride kicking and screaming to the sessions with you so you can engage the help of the therapist to help extract the bride's head from her own butt.

Your SKid is a lard ass on the verge of death at a young age because the adults in is life enable and facilitate his crap and succumb to his manipulations. IMHO of course.

Take care of yourself and your own child. Do what you can to minimize the influence of the shallow and polluted half of your own kid's gene pool. You see everyday what the results of that gene pool's parenting style returns.

Good luck.

I definitely think counseling is a good things to go to even if you don't have big problems. Sometimes it can let you reorganize your life, and it's not anything shameful. My DH goes to therapy once a month just to organize his thoughts. His health insurance pays for it, so why not?

I think you should take a step back and figure out what is really causing the resentment. His obesity, health issues should not be your concern. Yes, it's sad when a child has essentially been ruined this early in life, destined to a lifetime of physical suffering and illnesses because his parents (and he has two, a dad and a mom) did not care enough to put him on the right path. It shouldn't make you angry because it was not your fault, and therefore not your responsibility.

Also, from now on, you should let your SO do all the disciplining. Stop ALLOWING yourself to be used.

Repeat after me: No one can use me without my permission. No one can use me without my permission.

Welcome comrade, and I hope you find some solace here. Many people have differing opinions, and you may like some, you may be offended by some. But I implore you to keep an open mind even to the ones you are offended by because there is often things to be learned from that perspective, even if you don't agree with it.

You are not the only one in this position. I have also been in a similar situation. Just telling you it gets harder as they age and the problems multiply. I went through it for 40 years with a SS. We made it through but not sure I would do it again. Yes, 40 years because even when they are grown, they continue the manipulation and constant needs.

Glad to hear that YOU as a step parent have let go of the rope to wake your wife's sons up in the morning.

Go have a cup of coffee, tend to your bio son. Your wife should tend to her boy, not you.

You would be well within your duty to take your child and leave IF you felt her son was a danger to you or your bio.

Don't leave your bio with mom. As a bio you decide with WHOM your child has association since he is a minor. Keep that in mind too.

As far as counseling...pfftttt. Rags said it well. It I hard to find one who actually supports parents being parents. Today it is all about fee' fee's. It's disgusting. I would not waste 1cent on one unless I interviewed them first.

sorry your having to deal with this.
YOUR not being mean or unloving by making her parent her own child, your ss. That IS her duty, not yours.

heartingbad.13

Why, why must YOU accept abuse after 40 years.

Talk about classic dysfunction. Right?

I am so sorry that you must cope and deal with this during this phase of your life.

Have you told your DH that he can do what ever he wants with his kids but NOT in your home?