smomofone's picture

Not being THAT BM...

I have a cousin who just split from her ex about a year ago this July. She has been struggling to "play" nice. With the guy. She asks me quite a bit of advice since She knows I've been on two sides of the three way fence...I am a SM and I've had a SM from hell.

She asks me questions about how to approach a situation and deal with the BD and his family. We all knew he was not much of a catch when they started dating in high school but his family made my cousin's life hell after she became pregnant. To the point his sisters tried many times to "beat her up" Fkin kids.

My cousin is young, 22 and had her DD at 19. The BD is 25 I think. She left him when she found out he was cheating. Moved out of their apartment and moved back in with her parents. He made her life hell those days, breaking into the parents home, taking her car(she paid for it but was under his name) scratching her parents cars. Stupid things really. He was upset she chose to leave him.

For the most part she has let things slide. Only asking him to spend time with their daughter. He refused to pay child support until she gave up with the nice stuff and put in the papers for it through court.

She did go nuts a bit when he started dating a young girl who Wasn't really nice to her daughter but I told her its not really the girls fault its the BD that doesn't learn how to balance the two. I guess the girl had called my cousin telling her all kinds of things "your daughter is a B*$ch, you are nothing, blah blah blah" the daughter at the time was 2 and a half. After talking to my cousin about it I told her it wasn't her place to talk to the GF at all. She calls you, you don't have to answer. The only communication you should have is with BD about DD nothing more. Turns out the GF was angry that BD was still trying to get back with my cousin at the time. My cousin sent her all his texts.

I told her ignore his "I want you back" texts, Its not your business to inform his new GF's That is their problem.

Now she is in the process of child support and the mediator told her she can only collect child support moving forward. That he doesn't owe her for past months because she should have asked for child support back then and that anything he gave her ($250 for 8 months) was a gift and she should be thankful to him for actually giving that to her. That now she has to wait until the BD agrees to the child support order.

I am like dam, the guys that don't want to step up and be a dad get a lucky break, but those who are fathers that love their kids and want to be a part of their lives get the bad end of the deal.

I never thought I would advise a BM to take someone to court over visitation and child support, but I find myself telling my cousin to do just that.


RosaluOsliar's picture

She needs a lawyer, because

She needs a lawyer, because what the mediator told her is the exact opposite of everything I've ever heard (and seen it bite dads in the ass).

It sounds like she is handling it fairly well for being that young. Drama happens at the start, but it sounds like she's trying to stop that. Just help her expect him to be a dead beat as it sounds like that's where this is going to end up.

twoviewpoints's picture

First thing up between my

First thing up between my niece and her now ex DH was CS and visitation. From the filing for initial support to the said done signed sealed divorce may not be the same figure , but CS was implemented.

Whether she can back date for CS up until now might depend on her state, but if she's under the impression she'll receive absolutely no CS until Dad agrees she best be talking to her lawyer and let him/her do that part upfront. A temporary CS order will be put in place as well as a which parent the child is to be living with and visitation schedule.

The whole parenting time split, CS, who pays for what and how future things (such as extras) will be finalized in the end, but in the immediate Dad isn't off the hook "until he agrees". Mediation is working towards the final parenting plan/court order divorce decree which may take months (years?), but CS and supporting a child with needs doesn't wait.

Lupa's picture

I didn't get child support

I didn't get child support for BS till he was 16 because BD kept putting off the DNA test he insisted on having. BS was less than a year old when I filed and I did not get any back child support.

Justkeepsteppin's picture

That's ridiculous. But then

That's ridiculous. But then again, so is the fact that DH has had a CO and filed it with CSE 2 years ago and they still haven't even told DH the amount she's supposed to be paying or attempted to collect any of it.

The child support offices tend to play by their own set of rules.

Dory: Hey, look. "Es-ca-pay".
I wonder what that means?
That's funny, it's spelled just like the word "escape."

sueu2's picture

You're right. Tell her not to

You're right. Tell her not to pay any attention to the mediator, don't agree to anything, and don't sign anything. She also shouldn't meet with him again unless she has representation because all he's doing is trying to bully and intimidate her.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging a BM to go to court.