Hi Bradnsu, I am a resident FSM to 2 Skids (SS8 & SD7)...I completely relate to all that you do for your skids...my BM has seen the Skids once in the last 3 yrs & calls them MAYBE once ever 1.5-2 months for a 2 minute chat.

Terribly sad for the kids & highly annoying for me (especially when she calls FDH telling him what I should or should not be doing!)

This isn't a competition...you do for them because you love your DH & care for them. I love my Skids...but I know that I'm NOT their mom...no matter what I do, I'm not mom...I will always be not mom & that needs to be ok...it's just the way it is...I am hoping that one day they realize what she is, but I'm not holding my breath...

You are a GREAT SM & that's what they need. I'm lucky because my FDH is on top of them as far as respecting & listening to me goes and of course there are plenty of times I want to pull my hair out (or theirs, or hers)...ugh it's an itch of a job I tell ya!

Best of luck to you & im or email me if you need to chat

I am in the same boat. Before a week ago, we had the kids during the weekdays and one weekend a month...so she had them for three weekends a month. She pays child support (when she is not quitting jobs to avoid it) to FH and is also in arrears. She just moved about 9 hours away (did not communicate the move to FH) and is basically acting very covert in efforts to avoid paying child support. She has been in and out of the kids lives, subjected them to numerous girlfriends, has not had a stable home in MANY years, often flakes out on them, doesn't show any interest in their schools, doesn't attend events, etc.. She has been more stable over the past year because she found a sugar mama, but this is the first time in years she has been reliable on picking them up. But they love her dearly and anytime she does something for them, they act like it's the most wonderful thing ever. Meanwhile I could make one of their dreams come true and they won't even say thank you. FH has to basically force them to say thank you to me. I don't even get treated second to her....more like eighth.

I don't want to be considered their mom, don't want any hugs or kisses, none of that stuff. I just want the basic respect that they would show a stranger on the street but apparently that is TOO much to ask for. As a result, I have stopped buying things for them, doing things for them and have been very hands off. It is the only way I can cope.

I used to be in the same boat as you. I was a csm and did everything for my ss. I potty trained, took him to the doctor, did parent teacher conferences. BM took him eow (usually). She didnt start paying child support until he was 6. But he had her on a pedestal. In fact as the years went by he treated me worse and worse. He resented that I was the one doing all these things for him instead of bm. He went to live with bm when he was in 4th grade. He is in 7th grade now and treats me like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. I did used to love my ss very much. I dont any longer. I dont hate him or wish any sort of ill on him, I just dont love him or think of him as my family. Which apparently is what he wanted.

I feel your frustration. Custodial SM to 2 SS (10 & 13) for the last 7 years. I have a very nice relationship w/ the younger but the older only speaks to me if he something. But he's 13 and that seems pretty usual. I remember me as a 13 y/o and I also remember my mother saying "I hope you someday have children that treat you exactly the way you treat me." Love my mom but that curse is just evil.

Anyhoo. Thru being a member of this website for a few months I think I've gotten a little more OK with being second (or twelfth) fiddle. I try to come to terms every day with the fact that she will always be mother of the year to them. Despite the fact she allowed them to live with a drug dealer. Despite the fact she spent time in jail. Despite the fact that she abandoned them at a campground. Here's how I try to think of it: If they actually allowed themselves to see her for what she really is they couldn't handle that. They have to coddle her and make excuses for her b/c they are afraid she could skip out again if confronted. If they ever asked her "What the hell are you doing?" she could potentially stop seeing them AGAIN for months to a year. They have to put her on a pedestal b/c they know she wouldn't stick around if they started making normal expectations of her. But me and DH...well, they know we're always going to be here, taking them to their sports, doing homework with them, taking them on vacations, etc. I think my SSs treat me like I treated my parents. Because deep down they know I AM their mother. Their real mom - well, she's the fun aunt that sees them occasionally and promises to buy them a pony.

It has to be tought to be a custodial smom-because as biology would dictate you will always have a child side w/their mom-it's an inborn loyalty/bond and relationship that really isn't understood from the smoms perspective. How can they love someone so crappy? Well, many reasons-same reason parents love their kids unconditionally even when they mess up.

Nature, God, you name it made it this way for a reason.

Even if their mom is crap mom. The kids will always wish things were different-if you are really good to them they resent it because it's not their mom doing it-I don't think it's a personal slight but I think it's a natural/normal response for kids to feel this way.

I'm guessing it has to be hard to not take it personally but I really believe that it's NOT personal against the custodial smom (or any smom for that matter) for the skids. It's just a natural/biological response from them that they can't help-just like a parent loving their child inspite of stuff they do wrong.

honey, you can jump off a cliff for them and they will STILL second you to bm. That's just part of it, one day they MIGHT see it but even still you will ALWAYS be second to bm....she's their MOM nothing will change that for them

My dh has full custody of his 3 boys because the court found BM unfit to look after them full time when they split. She's a nasty, manipulative bitch and has caused no end of trouble for us and messed with the kids heads so much they had behaviour problems which have improved with dh's firm parenting but haven't stopped completely. I care about them and I'm sad that they've had such a rough time with BM, but I don't love them and will never regard them as my own. I find them extremely hard work, very demanding and very irritating. BM has them EOW and half of the school holidays, and without those regular breaks for me and dh to have couple time I would not be able to cope. I leave all the parenting stuff up to him - he cleans up their mess and deals with discipline etc, while I only spend time with them and do things with them or for them when feel like it and leave the rest up to him. I will support dh with things like appointments, school stuff etc more for his sake than theirs, and feel that I'm supporting him while he raises them rather than raising them myself and that suits me fine. I do get on okay with them and they seem to like and accept me, but recently when SS8 started whining that he wanted to go and live with BM I was glad I've kept some emotional detachment from them as I would have felt really hurt and betrayed. I feel bad for dh, but I know SS8 only wants to go live with BM because he goes there when there's no school, so no boring daily routine, plus the fact she has no rules so they get to do whatever they like, she feeds them far more crap than we ever do and gives in to tantrums and whining whereas no means no at our house. For me, this detachment is the best way to handle being a sm. I would never be mean to them or do anything deliberately to hurt them as they've been hurt enough by their pathetic excuse for a mother, but at the same time I could never take on the role of a mother to them. My dh understands and respect this, and really appreciates it when I do things for/with them. I have an 18 yo daughter of my own who had a very rough childhood with my abusive ex (her dad) and is struggling with depression and needs a lot of support at the moment. She has never misbheaved in the way my ss's do and I can't help but compare them unfavourably to her as she's had to cope with an abusive parent too. She will always come first to me, no matter how old she is, and there is no comparison between the love I feel for her and the way I feel about my skids.

My wife is the SP for our son (my SS) so I am the CPStepDad.

We have always dealt with the issue you are struggling with by addressing it with facts.

My SS knows who his "real" dad is. I am his "real" dad, always have been and always will be. His mom and I married when SS-18 was 1yo.

The facts don't lie. You are their full time mom. You are the one who is there for them all the time every time.

I am that for my son.

Fact: BioDad (the SpermIdiot) has four out-of-wedlock spawn by three different women.

Fact: SpermIdiot abandoned SS (not yet 1yo) and my wife (not yet 18) in a nasty travel trailer in the middle of no where to run off with his 16yo GF when he was 22-23 yrs old.

Fact: SpermIdiot married his 16yo GF two weeks before the Custody/Visitation/Support hearing to avoid statutory rape charges but maintains that he has never been married. We have a copy of his marriage license from the court house and his divorce papers 6mos later.

Fact: SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa pay the SpermIdiots CS obligation for my son. We have a statement from the CSE office that we had to subpoena for court.

Fact: SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa raise the youngest three SpermIdiot spawn in their home with no financial help form the SpermIdiot.

Fact: SpermIdiot works under the table for cash in order to avoid higher CS payments. We have PI video of this.

Fact: SpermIdiot lives rent free in a home owned by the SGPs and drives their hand me down cars.

Fact: SpermIdiot sneaks GFs out of his window when SpermGrandMa walks in the front door. She sends the GKs to the back yard to catch the SpermIdiot and his GFs sneaking out. The Skid told us this one.

Fact: SS had to sleep on the floor when on SpermIdiot visitation because the beds and bedrooms were being used the the wombdonor of the month and her non-joint spawn. We got that shit stopped in a hurry by hauling the SpermIdiot to court. The judge ruled that the kid got a bed or the kid did not visit. You may find that a judge will rule that each of your Skids get their own bed at BMs. Toddlers or young children sharing a bed is one thing. Kids of double digit ages and differing genders being forced to share a bed is another thing all together IMHO.

Fact: SpermIdiot bailed out of a car when being chased by the police abandoning SS in his car seat. The police found a gun in the diaper bag. The arrest record is in the file as is the testimony of the Police Officer who chased and ultimately arrested the SpermIdiot. He testified for our team at the Custody/Visitation/Support hearing.

Etc, etc, etc.....

My SS is informed of the facts in an age appropriate manner and has been since he was ~8-10yo. We have referenced the file cabinet and reviewed many of its contents with him. Not the heavy stuff and only in an age appropriate manner.

SS knows where the files are and what is in them. Since he was ~15yrs old he has periodically reviewed things in the files when the SpermClan says something that does not make sense to him.

This keeps the SpermClan from being able to manipulate the kid any more than we have to tolerate.

He knows that his SpermIdiot is of no character or redeeming quality. He has come to this conclusion on his own based on the facts. He loves the SpermIdiot, SpermGrandMa and the rest of SpermClan but he does not respect them or trust them. It is sad but we would rather have him informed and as safe as knowledge of the facts will make him rather than being assimilated in to the SpermClan drama.

Facts will lead your own Skids to similar conclusions about their BM.

Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. Go with the facts.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,