Not sure how to handle life right now
Hello,
This is my second post on here. I only write here when I feel trapped and need guidance because of an extreme issue.
I've been with my fiancée for 7 years, and we get along ok. However, I did 20 years in the military and never had any kids. That sometimes comes back at me.
I have a stepson who is almost 16, and has multiple diagnoses, among them being bipolar and having depression. I live up in the Northeast now, but I was raised in a strong household in a southern state, and the way I was raised was totally different then the way things are up here - especially now.
My woman's son pretty much gets anything he wants, otherwise he will threaten to kill himself (which you always have to take seriously). He also says very mean and hurtful things to me and especially his mother, even he says he's closer to her than anyone else.
Case in point - tonight, he wanted a small animal like a frog to start a terrarium. (Granted, we just got a puppy that was the price of a used car, but I digress.) When the lady at the pet store told him that we had to do research and have something set up ahead of time before selling the animal to us, he started getting upset. I told him we will come back when everything is ready, and we will get it, which I thought was reasonable. Then he tells me that we never do anything for him when he has his own money. (Again, the dog, just got two weeks ago). After that, I saw red and told him in a calm voice that we just got an expensive dog, we do everything for you. He then said whatever, and went outside. I thought he stepped in the car. However, he decided to walk two miles in the cold and dark because he thought I made him feel worthless. He continues to act like this, and it's starting to drive me and his mother apart. He has done stuff way worse than this (Marijuana, throwing stuff at mom) you get the picture. I'm just wondering what I should do. I'm on the verge of just leaving, but my religious upbringing tells me not to leave his mother holding the bag, and I still love her. Oh, and his dad tries too, but he hates him just as much. Any ideas?
Your SS may have may true
Your SS may have may true medical issues, but he is also a self entitled brat, this is created by not just your SO, but by you too. You buy him a puppy that cost a fortune, take the damn dog back or give it to someone that is more deserving. The next time he threatens suicide, Baker his ass, call the police, hospital or whatever and have them put him on a 72 hour hold for suicide watch.
Throwing shit at his mom, does not fly with me, if he's out of control, call the cops and have his ass hauled off to juvie. Your SO needs to put her foot down on the SS acting out of control, buying him stuff and letting him get away with everything is not parenting. This man-child is playing you and your SO for everything he can get from the both of you.
Oh, I know. He has already
Oh, I know. He has already been to the child psycho ward twice. I'm not his father, however. I have no idea what my rights are, and I am scared to do anything that could get me thrown in jail. But he may have mild autism, so it totally sucks. Its just really hard raising a special needs child. I'm not giving him an out, I'm still pissed at him. I just think the real issue is what are my rights are as a stepparent and how to keep us all together before everything goes sour. At least my fiance agrees with me on most things, which makes it a little easier. It's just hard right now trying to save money for the wedding. I'm just trying to hold on for two more years until he gets 18. He does work for his money and he enjoys doing it. But this age really sucks. The way I was raised I think I would have been killed by my parents if I said anything like he did.
Sorry for rambling. Good night everyone.
I would investigate having SS
I would investigate having SS declared ward of the state and getting him out of your home. If he is a danger to himself that may be the best thing to do for his own safety. Getting him access to the resources and services he will need to live safely is likely a good idea.
Good luck.
Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Cognitive behavioral therapy. Take a look at that for your SS if you want any improvement. Just giving meds is usually not enough, but giving into the child's every whim since he threatens to kill himself has created a monster that realizes emotional manipulation and blackmail WORKS. This is the worst case scenario because if nothing is done, they will just keep on upping the ante expecting to be saved (or the parents give in before they actually do something physical) and then accidentally hurting themselves (or killing themselves) when they didn't mean to do it.
I can't say I'd stay in a situation like this because this child will always, always be dependent on his mother, and subsequently you. Can you handle it when this is the same song playing over and over 20 years from now when the kid is in his 30's?
Mental illnesses are NOT excuses for not behaving like decent human beings. My cousin is bipolar (has been since her teens) and even though she has done MANY MANY things that hurt and upset others during her manic episodes, once she comes down, she always apologizes for her behavior and is truly sorry. She finally got put on meds that she's reacted very well to, and she works and is able to have a normal life (and has a boyfriend who is understanding.) The diagnosis is NOT all that they are.
Rather than trying to,solve
Rather than trying to,solve other people's problems why not think about whats best for you. Do you really believe this kid is going to magically change at 18 or even move out. He won't change until he is motivated, and you know how likely that is. This fiancee comes as a package, with him, and if you marry her it willl be a life sentence of problem son always around.
I feel,sorry to see a decent man "saving like mad for the wedding" when he has the option of saving his sanity now.
You know, I admire that you
You know, I admire that you have a strong sense of commitment to your SO. I'm sure that is also part of your makeup that drove you to being in the military in support of our country.
I get it. You are a smart, committed, trustworthy, nice guy. You don't want to leave her holding the bag. But you have to consider for a moment that she actually was the one who MADE that bag. Maybe she didn't cause some of the underlying mental issues, but she certainly hasn't parented him appropriately and still doesn't. I'm sure she appreciates and and avails herself of what you can offer (money, lawn work etc..) but I bet you don't get a full say in how she is raising this boy. In 7 years, you have to have seen how her ineffective parenting is further crippling her son. Even his own DAD doesn't like the way he is turning out (and DAD should bear some responsibility too here).
I think you have to resign yourself to the fact that things are what they are. This boy/man is likely to be in the home well beyond his 18th birthday and you will have little to no control over that. You will also not be given the power to do anything about his behavior.
What is a bit troubling for me is how you describe your relationship with her. "you get along OK". It seems like you are staying with her for some misplaced sense of duty. You need to give yourself permission to live the life you want that makes you happy. You can't help that her son is the way he is. You can't prevent the fact that if you break up she may be hurt. But, she will get over it. That's life.
You deserve to be with someone that is more than "ok to get along with". Be with someone that improves your life and enthralls you!
Thank you for your service! I
Thank you for your service!
I know this is heart-wrenching. It sounds like he's engaging in emotional blackmail to get his way, which is very insidious. May I suggest some reading on that topic, as my 2nd wife had a lot of symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, and I had to come up to speed really fast on that. The marriage didn't last, and I'm better for that. I can't give advice, because it just wouldn't be right - but I hope reading up on the "FOG" (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) tactics that manipulators use while deploying a face-full of emotional blackmail will give you some sense that:
It's not your fault.
This is a learned behavior and with therapy, can be unlearned IF the person recognizes the damage it does and feels remorse for doing it, and is willing to behave differently.
Even if the tactics you employ to shut that down don't work, it's still not your fault.
There are a lot of personality disorders that don't require meds, and therapy MIGHT help. Sadly, this may never improve... so please keep that in mind.
Mental illness is a horrible thing to deal with. I wish you the best.