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O/T sex drive

Hellogoodbyemoon's picture

Hi ladies,

For those of you in long marriages that have a significantly higher sex drive than your husband's, how has that worked out for you? Is it something that doesn't affect you much or did it get harder to deal with as time passed? Did you address it with your husband? If so, how? My husband and I have a pretty healthy sex life, but i definitely have a way higher drive. We are almost ten years apart in age.

Acratopotes's picture

pffft no one is stopping you from self service..... I do not see a problem in helping yourself out in any stable marriage or relationship.

there's marvelous toys on the market Wink

Hellogoodbyemoon's picture

Im in my mid twenties and he is in his late thirties, he has no health problems. We have sex pretty regularly (couple times a week) but ive noticed the past year we've been married, he's got "lazier" and questioned whether or not he should be on supplements because sometimes he has issues with "maintaining" while in the act.

I feel like he gets discouraged when theres a slight issue and i do not want to make him feel inferior by agreeing about the medication, as this has not become an issue yet, although i can see it becoming one in the future.

missmama1234's picture

I am in the same boat....
Same age bracket and difference as my fiance and I...

He makes up excuses now like he is too tired, too stressed, or my favourite "we are parents now."
But so what if we are parents? I am a really passionate person, I always think of ways to make it exciting and to be more i timate with him...I am starting to feel he isnt attracted to me anymore Sad he just doesnt want it as bad as I do..although I wish he did.

Hellogoodbyemoon's picture

Im in my mid twenties and he is in his late thirties, he has no health problems. We have sex pretty regularly (couple times a week) but ive noticed the past year we've been married, he's got "lazier" and questioned whether or not he should be on supplements because sometimes he has issues with "maintaining" while in the act.

I feel like he gets discouraged when theres a slight issue and i do not want to make him feel inferior by agreeing about the medication, as this has not become an issue yet, although i can see it becoming one in the future.

Hellogoodbyemoon's picture

Sex is very important to me, it goes beyond the act and delves into a bonding intimacy i crave and have to have. Its not that the sex is bad, its amazing when we have it, its just less of it. But you make a great point, most everything else is excellent in our marriage so i suppose i can accept a little less sex.

Thank you, i will urge him to get a physical, he has not had one in quite awhile.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Yeeep. But it's starting to even out. And DH makes up for it by buying me "toys" because he feels bad about not being able to perform as much as I'd like. But he seems to be doing better when he feels no pressure, so the more I leave him alone, the more he wants it.

missmama1234's picture

I did this too lol works everytime!
But lately I am really wishing he would initiate it and not make it feel like a chore...:( it is always nice to feel desired especially by the person you love..apparently he is just too stressed and tired these days Sad

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Granny, what is this lingerie of which you speak? Lingerie that would make ANY woman look good??

simifan's picture

ExDH and I weren't evenly matched when we got together. His drive decreased and mine never changed. It was definitely a factor in our divorce.

SO's drive is stronger then mine . He believes in service first. I love it. Definitely keeps him on my good side. Smile

Major Blunder's picture

From the this male's perspective, sexdrive is effected by a lot more for men than a lot realize and it depends on the man in question as well.

Not just physical health issues but also outside and inside stressors can lower the drive.

Men also have a monthly cycle where testosterone is higher during one point of the month and lower during another, we manstrate lol .

Some men are very visual , some auditory, some tactile, etc etc etc.

Just like you mysterious women, we can be rather complicated as well.

DW and I don't have sex as often as either of us would like and it's both our faults for that, excuses come easy when the drive is low even though the desire for a high drive is still there.

For me personally, I am usually the initiator and have mentioned on more than one occasion that I would like DW to initiate but alas she still has not, she might flirt with me or make a comment but never goes through the act of saying, let's have sex !!!!! Now she says that is because she never knows how I am feeling, lame excuse in my book, I never know till I bring up the subject how she is feeling. So I am left with wondering if there is something wrong with me, her, us etc etc etc.

Told you we were complicated. :?

Hellogoodbyemoon's picture

I really appreciate your input and prospective, Major! He's often said he wants me to initiate but i use the same excuses your wife does, as mentioned above. I'll definitely try to be more of the aggressor from now on.

Peridwen's picture

Hi Major - I suspect you and my DH have a lot in common. We've had nights of no nookie and woken up in the morning each thinking the other was the one who didn't want it. DH apparently needs to hear it bluntly stated but I really don't like being that blunt. I prefer the flirting and kissing and touching to show that he's wanting it from me or that I want it from him. Otherwise I assume he's thinking about other things, not really interested. Even if he says "I want sex now" I don't feel like he actually wants it if he doesn't add the touching. DH says he doesn't think it's right to touch without knowing I want sex so it caused miscommunication and mixed signals. I've had to learn to be more blunt in order to initiate, DH has had to learn to show not tell to initiate.

Perhaps that might be part of why your DW doesn't know what you are thinking? Could the flirting/comment be your DW's way of initiating?

Peridwen's picture

Oh we've worked that out now. Wink Our problems mostly happened in our first couple years of marriage, right after BS4 was born. We've managed to figure each other out pretty well now.

Major Blunder's picture

I should have been more clear on the " How I am Feeling " part, I am physically disabled and have issues from time to time but usually she blows that out of proportion, so it's not whether I am in the mood or not (even though there are times I am not ) it's more an issue with my physical "feeling". As for the flirting/comments being intiating, I would agree with you however she tends to do that more when there is ZERO chance of sex that night or day or morning or whatever. Work nights are never good for us because of me, I get up rather early and take some medicine a couple of hours before bed so that it is out of my system when I have to get up and drive to work, the medicine makes me a little loopy. Non-work nights I can put off taking my meds so that is mostly weekends. Our time window is a big issue for us when it comes to sex.

Peridwen's picture

Ah, I didn't know that part of your story, sorry. Gotcha. The time window thing sucks. DH and I felt that way when we worked opposite shifts, though it wasn't a physical issue for us.

Acratopotes's picture

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

Honey what the hell are you doing on this site..... and how can you complain about my kid, you are not even living with us and have hardly any contact with Deigma....

just wait till we get home tonight - you will so effing sorry.....

missmama1234's picture

Can you give me some advice...

my fiance and i used to have a great sex life..we were totally into each other and it was fun.

Ever sonce we moved in together and had a baby I am still affectionate and I would initiate sex and massage him every noght to help him relax but we really only have sex twice a week now...and it seems like a chore for him like he doesnt enjoy it anymore..last night he warched porn in bed right beside me when he thought i was asleep and that really hurt me..i dont know what to do. making love is so important to me in a relationship..i feel like we are slipping and i am beginning to think he just isnt attracted to me anymore Sad

Rags's picture

If not inappropriate I will throw in a man-spective. Or at least my man-spective.

My bride and I have traded off having the higher sex drive several times during the course of our 22+ year marriage. We were 18 and 29 respectively when we met and started dating, and 18 and 30 when we married. I will be 53 in a few weeks and she will have been 41 for 6mos when I have my upcoming birthday.

Interestingly the alignment of our sex drives has been fairly closely correlated to where we each are on our weight cycle.

I am 6’1” and was 180lbs when we met and she is 5’10” and was 125lb. We both were up about 10lbs from there when we married. She peaked about 8yrs ago having put on 100lbs and is down 50lbs from her peak. I am at my highest weight ever at 290 having put on 110. She went up much more quickly than I did over the first dozen years then I took over. She made a huge commitment to fitness in 2009 and I have yet to make that commitment.

Someone mentioned medical conditions and medications. Yep, all of those have impact on middle aged and older men. Though I am a 36+ year T-1 diabetic stuff still works fine though I am past the hanging a towel on it stage I was in in my late teens through my 20s and into my latish 30s. At least hanging a towl on it for very long. For me… my “little blue pill” is the laugh of my amazingly hot bride. No need to actually use any “little blue pills”…. Yet. When that day arrives I do not see any issue with adopting that solution if or when necessary.

We have only had one notable disconnect in sex drive over the 23 years we have been lovers and that was about 9 years ago. I thought things were fine, she was not happy. I have always found her to be incredible sexy regardless of her weight.

It took her a while to share her frustrations and upon that communication I adjusted my game and we got in synch in a hurry. Other than that 9mo or so period we have usually had a rockin sex life that we have both very much enjoyed . However, we are at a mini crisis now due to my weight and it is mainly that it is a comfort issue for her. Our geometry alignment is off from our usual very enjoyable norm.

So, I have some work to do on my commitment to not only my own health and fitness but to our life together as lovers. Okay, enough of the barring of my soul.

The key to our sex life is communication and since the disconnect 9yrs ago we do not let any misalignment go uncommunicated. Mostly our communications are flirty and fun. Always lots of passionate laughter. Communication and laughter minimizes any disconnects.

We cycle on frequency over a 6-12mo cycle. We will have periods of 1-2 times per day for a number of weeks, reducing to several times per week, reducing from there to half a dozen or so times per month, then cycling back up the scale. We trade off on initiating during that cycle. Sometimes I am the primary and more frequent initiator, other times she is.

Toys and self-service are certainly part of our repertoire.

That just about covers it…. I think.

Hellogoodbyemoon's picture

This is very helpful. I honestly never considered that we, too, maybe on some type of cycle. Thank you for your insight!

ChiefGrownup's picture

This was very interesting. Thanks for posting. Feel free to post more. One of my best friends went through this with her dh. Helps me understand what she was going through and why. She would confide her angst to me for years how she wasn't getting any and she had a thousand different theories why. Poor girl. Anyway, this reason finally came out. Seemed very odd to me but this makes perfect sense. Plus, anything that helps us understand more about these things is great knowledge for anyone.

ZoeScott's picture

that's the case when it's high time for consulting with the specialist and probably taking viagra as a treatment. It may seem strange, however it actually works. I've done my treatment and now I am feeling like a PERSON. However, I haven't taken viagra itself, it was cialis due to which I became normal again. I've got it from https://indegenerique.fr/generique-cialis/ and I really enjoyed their servicing. If you still need help with it, I'm here to give some advice and suggest a reliable source of pills.

AshMar654's picture

When you are married and are with someone for a short time or long time things happend in a marriage that chagne the sex life drastically. I have been with DH for 5 years in January and the first year we had sex alot a couple times a day when we would see one another. When we moved in together it was a couple times a week. We would make a plan early in the day so we both knew to be ready. Lets face it there is a kid in the house 24/7 which clearly makes things more difficult.

When we started trying to have a baby it became a little more technical with timing and everything. Once I got pregnant things went very downhill. It is what it is at times. They make things for women and men alike to aid themselves. Try that and be happy.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Both SO and I are in our 40's. I have a very high sex drive and SO does not. It has nothing to do with age. I think stress level is definitely a factor, but the biggest problem is he doesn't exercise and has very poor eating habits. Our lack of a sex life was really starting to become a problem for me.

Because I cant really do anything to make him change that, he has to want to do it for himself. I did my research and have gotten him to start taking supplements. I did not tell him why, because it's a sensitive subject for him. So I didn't lie, just left some info out and only told him it will give him more energy and help with aches and pains. He takes l -carnitine an amino acid which is naturally produced in the body. Let me tell you the results were almost immediate in my case. I think he eventually caught on because he started referring to them as his " boner pills".