New to the site... not to SM life.
This is my...ahem....second attempt at SM life. You would think that the ten years I spent doing it the first time would be enough but you know, sometimes I just like to make reckless decisions and do things I probably shouldn't.
Anyway, I'm new to the site so a little background (besides that I spent ten years doing this once before). I've got two bio kids (twins) and a stepson that's about 7 months younger than my sons. I've been married for two years (almost 3) and we dated 2 years before that. The mother of my stepson is not in the picture. She abandoned her child shortly after I got involved with his dad. She hasn't seen this kid since he was 8-9 months old. I'm the only mom he knows.
Sounds like a good time so far, right? I mean no BM drama, a child that doesn't realize (entirely) that I'm not biologically his mom, and my kids' dad is absent more times than not. Should be easy as pie... or at least as easy as it can get in this kind of situation.
The problem is me. I'm already well aware of my flaws. See, with my previous stepkid, I loved him. Wholeheartedly loved this child and treated him like my own, despite his mom being a crazy lunatic. In fact, I still see him when I can. He will forever be family.
Then there's my current stepson. Those maternal feelings just haven't developed for him. I find him to be grating and rude. His family treats him like he's the most fragile piece of glass anyone has every come across, his dad coddles his every outburst, his teachers (like me) believe it's a mixture of inconsistent parenting (I have ways of handling things, dad has his and often undermines by rules) and attachment issues that stemmed from his felon mother.
Regardless, I have fought every single day to have a relationship with little dude that I can feel good about. Unfortunately, it just isn't there and my heart breaks... for him and for me. I want to love him unconditionally. I want to love him like my own but I get stuck almost daily with just trying to like him. No one else in my family (my kids, my parents, etc.) seem to struggle to love him. The adults (both families) see the behavioral and social issues that are present. It just doesn't seem to phase anyone else the way it does me. If anyone has an suggestions on how I can just shrug things off instead of letting the annoyances fester within, I'd absolutely appreciate it!
- one_too_many4's blog
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Comments
So how old is your stepson?
So how old is your stepson? Why does everyone coddle him? Did BM die or fly the coup? Do you have him all the time? What are his crappy behaviors? Mouthy? Lazy? Rude? Arrogant?
That is a great point! It is
That is a great point! It is much easier to love a child that you can give back in an hour or two.
OP, you sound like a wonderful person. I have no doubt you are doing your best to develop a relationship with this kid. Stop beating yourself up.
It sounds like your husband is having trouble presenting a untied front to his son. I would absolutely let him know that you cannot raise a child that you cannot discipline. If he doesn't like how you raise children, then he needs to find a daycare for his son and stop using your babysitting services. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but it's in the best interest of his son to have limits and rules. Parents that aren't able to provide those two things for their kids are crappy parents.
uofarkchick - I tried that
uofarkchick - I tried that route. I told my husband that he can't pick and choose when he wants me to mother his child. He has told me over and over that he thinks I'm a fantastic mother. He can't seem to give me an answer when I ask if he feels that way, why won't he left me parent his child without intervention? Being totally honest, he does TRY to not step on my toes but he's terrible at not making excuses for why little dude is acting some sort of way.
And thanks for thinking I'm a good person. I believe that people should love those around them in the most unconditional way they can muster. Sometimes I'm too human for my liking though and get really upset with myself when I feel like I can't mesh with someone, especially a small child.
I do have enough self-awareness to know that this is my issue and unrealistic standards I place on myself.
I do think you bring up a
I do think you bring up a very valid point - it took a couple of years for me to really love my first SS. It wasn't until I had my own children that he stopped being my boyfriend's son and became my kids' brother. Once that thought process shifted so did my feelings.
I know I'm comparing two different relationships and that's pretty unfair. My goal at this point is to be able to go home at night and be happy spending time with my SS instead of wishing the evening away. I've tried so many ways of looking at him, at the situation, at myself all in the hopes of shifting my thought process but every day I find myself fighting to make sure my face and voice don't show the agitation or anxiety I feel inside.
I'm likely beating myself up over a situation that could possibly resolve on it's own in time if I would just be patient instead of wanting instant gratification, lol.