Needing distance from my BF's custody battle
Hi - this is the first time I've ever posted in a forum.
First, I feel the need to say that I am not technically a "stepmom" as my BF and I are not married. however, my BF has a seven year old son who I see every weekend and I am extremely close to. in fact, I would say that he has become pretty attached to me and I am most certainly very emotionally invested in his wellbeing. and even though I am not his mother and have not tried to be (and have repeatedly said that I am not trying to be), I do worry about him all the time.
My BF has a very contentious relationship with his Ex. when I was entering this relationship, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. Every divorce has two sides of the story and I didn't want to just take my Ex's word for it that she was High Conflict. however, now that considerable time has past and I have repeatedly seen the way she tries to control my BF, lies about everything to make herself look better and is manipulating her son to try to alienate him from my BF and his family ... it's hard to ignore the issues here.
in the beginning of our relationship, my BF and his Ex had a 50/50 custody arrangement that they were working with a mediator to finalize. this has since changed and the Ex has gotten an attorney and is now filing full custody and child support. her behavior was never great before this happened but it's escalated considerably as they gear up to the court date (in 2017).
I could go down the list of ways that she interferes with my BF's life and does whatever she can to ruin our time, overschedule the weekends with their son so that my BF is running around like crazy instead of being able to spend time with his son and myself bonding, she makes demands and bullies and if she sees an opportunity to ruin something for my BF, she takes it. I am not being dramatic when I say she is truly the worst kind of person and I have no doubt that she will do anything she can to destroy my BF, even at the expense of her son.
The control was a problem in their marriage and my BF left to free himself from it (in addition to finding out about several of her infidelities and lies about her financial situation). however, I do not see it changing. she still controls him. he still backs down in an effort to appease her because he's afraid of her flipping out and using their son against him or denying him time with their son.
I understand his fears. I've seen her do it time and time again. and I know that because they haven't gotten a court order, she's taking advantage of this.
I work every day to be understanding and keep my mouth shut about it. but it's hard not to want to speak up when she's destroying my BF's happiness and he's letting her. he's moody and stressed all the time.
not to mention what I see happening with their boy who becomes sullen after spending time with her and is clearly confused about the things she's saying to him when he's not with his father.
I feel so powerless. I have no rights here myself except that I'm a constant observer to this terrible behavior every day and do not have the rights or the outlet to say anything without him getting defensive and it causing issues with US. as this thing has heated up for them, he's spends more and more time talking about it and venting to me. I'd say 85% of our conversations have something to do with her and the things she's done and what he plans to do in court. I've become invested because I love him and their son. and I hate seeing injustices like this happening in front of my eyes. but I also realize that if he's unwilling to change their dynamic and fight back... nothing I say or do is going to help this except to cause more drama.
I'd like to tell him that I don't think I can be involved in these conversations and decisions any longer because it's causing a rift between us but I worry that if he's unable to discuss it with me, there will be distance between us because of that too.
basically, I feel like he's not handling this the way I'd handle it... and it's hard to watch and it's driving me crazy. so I'd like to just bow out of that conversation if I can. how do I establish that boundary without alienating my BF? is there a way to support him in this without feeling like I am being taken under with this drama myself?
I don't really know what to do here. I was hoping people with some experience could help.
thank you!!
Why don't you go meet a nice
Why don't you go meet a nice guy without kids? This poor excuse of a romance sounds tiresome.
You sound young and fun. There are thousands of fish in the sea.
If you have no kids, just do
If you have no kids, just do not do this....find a man with no kids, listen to posters; anything less you will regret.
Your situation sounds similar
Your situation sounds similar to what I have dealt with my fiancé and his child. I felt like I became so deep into their custody issues that I couldn't distance myself. I finally told him that their issues were ruining our relationship and my feelings about their child. I let my fiancé know that I wanted to be involved in his child's life, and not the drama between him and his ex.
You want to be supportive of him during this time, but let him know how you feel and that you're coming from a good place about it.
Your situation is loaded with
Your situation is loaded with drama. It will continue with up and downs depending on where your lives are and where she is in her life.
Be proactive in supporting your fiance. Give him tools to document. Notebooks are great for documenting. One for just the facts and one for feelings.
Find BM free zones. Never Ever discuss her or the situation in your bedroom. That should always be a BM free zone. Dinner tables are another good BM free zone.
Bathrooms are good discussion zones. And after any discussion in the bathroom, fiance needs to flush. It's symbolic and wierdly helpful
Your lives don't actually revolve around his child, ex-wife or custody battle so be pro active in maintaining that life. See friends, go out to dinners, have Fun.
Knowing what I know now I
Knowing what I know now I would leave. But in the past I was soooo in love and I could see a different form of me staying so I'll tell you what staying me would have done (and did).
Set a date for him to get his court papers in order. BF, you have been ring this for some time and I can't be apart of it anymore. It affects our relationship. You can either get your court paper work and have court ordered visitation so BM can't control you or I walk.
When I had this conversation I threw in some other nice words and phrases like, I don't share and if there is a woman running your life its going to be me or I walk. Of course I don't run his life but he got the point. I also told him my date for when I would walk. He did it and we have been fine.
My BF currently has every
My BF currently has every Friday, Saturday and Sunday until he goes to work (second shift) with his son. he is also looking to get a couple nights a week in addition. the issue is that the BM continues to schedule their son for things on the weekends (like sports, camps, parties etc). It's not that my BF doesn't think his son should be involved in those things (I think it's obviously important for kids to be involved with friends and sports); the issue is that she signs him up for this stuff without consulting my BF. she just has zero respect for his time and/or his plans or any plans he might have when it comes to their son. she barks orders, demands payment and flips out if he decides that a family obligation or something else is more important than soccer that morning. but truly, if I felt that she genuinely felt this was good for their son, that'd be one thing but my gut feeling is that she does this to make sure she maintains control over what my BF can do with their son and keeps him from being able to make any plans of his own with him.
thank you for your comment.
thank you for your comment. this was very helpful.
this comment in particular really got to me, mostly because it's true: "You say your boyfriend hated how controlling his ex was and it was one of the reasons he left. I have seen this repeatedly in other relationships and the person who gets the short end of the stick will be YOU. What will happen when you make demands of him for things that are fair and reasonable, such as quality time, time alone, better financial management, etc.? Will he see these things as healthy and reasonable requests you are well within your rights to make or will he think "Oh great now the OTHER woman in my life wants something!""
my BF and I are currently in a fight for this very reason. I can almost see beyond the crazy Ex and the nonsense going on there but it's the impact on HIM that I worry about because it inevitably trickles into our relationship. he's got these giant walls up. I'm not perfect and I have long ago learned to talk things out. if something doesn't feel right...I want to talk about it. He is an avoider. and he feels like he has had to fight every woman in his life (his Ex, his mother, his sister) and he tends to shut down and deflect and defend.
I'm struggling so much with that. we feel disconnected. we don't feel as much like a team and I am really worried about it. he keeps saying it's fine but it doesn't FEEL fine. I don't feel like I can say things because he feels like I'm adding to the stress or causing more problems. but I'M HERE TOO. it's not just his son and his Ex in his life. I'm not just a voiceless person who is here to make him feel better all the time and endlessly support him. I have needs and wants of my own. but I feel like they don't fit in anywhere right now.
in the beginning, he made such an effort and I felt like he was really my dream come true. but that has slowly gone away and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I don't want to just leave. I'm not ready to do that. but I also don't know what else to do if he's not willing to put some effort into making OUR relationship stronger.
welcome to step parent hell.
welcome to step parent hell. You are already getting a glimpse of what the rest of your life with him will be like. Realistically it takes a very long time for men to snap out of and get their balls back from BM. There is also the very likely possibility that she will always have him by the balls because he allows it. Trust me, most men will never handle their BM the way you would or the way you would like them to. Either leave him or learn to disengage. Disengaging is the only way you will be able to tolerate the madness and even then you end up compromising a little bit of your true self somehow. It does suck to be helpless on the side and witness all this dysfunction unfold, but you are virtually powerless. If you truly love your boyfriend and want to be with him then be supportive, listen and in your own way disengage.