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My DH doesn't get it and he NEVER will

DogMomOnly's picture

I need to vent.

DH and I have been together for over 5 years, lived together for 4, and married for almost 2. We've had the same conversation over and over and over again about his kids doing chores. He agrees with me. Every. Single. Time. But then he "forgets" or "feels bad". SD15 (luckily she no longer lives with us - BM has zero rules and DH has a few, so of course she chose to live with her BFF) and SS11 are asked to do very little around the house. SS11 is constantly watching tv, playing video games, on his phone, or hanging out with a friend (probably doing any or all of those 3 things he does on his own). He's one of the laziest kids I've ever met. The type that doesn't want to put the work/practice in, but expects to be good at sports, music, or whatever he's trying to do. And then gets a pissy attitude when he sucks at something.

The other night I asked DH why he doesn't expect his kids to put in hard work, but he signs them up for select sports teams (that cost a bit of money) in which they're expected to put the hard work in. It's like he wants to teach them they only need to work hard when it comes to the fun stuff. And they don't need to work for things because their parents will just pay for it, so earning things is just silly. The whole concept of fun before work has been a constant battle for us. I've brought it up what seems like a hundred times. I feel like I always get stuck with the work (cleaning, etc) while they go have fun. And it's mostly because I can't stand leaving a mess or taking the chance of getting ants in the house AGAIN (must be 5 times now we've had an issue). I was taught to value and take care of what I have. I was taught that putting in the work makes the fun that much more appreciated. Anyway, his response to me asking this was to not say anything. Well that pissed me right off.

We did eventually talk about it a little, but I didn't get the feeling that anything would change. It never has before. Later that night, after I vacuumed a couple of rooms, I left the vacuum out (plugged in and sitting in the room that I wanted next to be vacuumed). But I decided I needed some me time and I wanted to work out. So I went to the basement and had my hour long work out session. The whole time I thought, maybe, just maybe he will figure it out, see the vacuum sitting there plugged in just waiting to be used. And maybe, just maybe he will tell SS11 to do it.

I am a mother-effing idiot. None of that happened. No one vacuumed, let alone THOUGHT of doing it. His kid didn't do a damn thing, didn't do anything with the trash like I suggested he be responsible for (literally the EASIEST chore in the world). He didn't have him practice his trumpet. He didn't have him help make dinner. He got to do nothing, once again.

I'm so done with this relationship. I haven't been in love with him in months. We haven't had sex in 10 months; I have no desire to physically be with someone that chooses over and over to be a disney dad after agreeing with everything I suggest he teach his children - you know, silly things like responsibility, respect, accountability, appreciation and on and on. He never follows through. I've heard, "I forgot" and "you're right, I need to start doing that" more times than I can count.

I'm getting out....but I don't know when. I'm waiting on another job to come through but it requires a background check that takes months to complete. It's not a short process, but if I get it I will more than likely have to move to a different state - which DH is unwilling to leave his kids. Fine by me, that will be the end for us. But until then, I have to fake it. I pretend that I love him, say it even. I kiss him with zero feeling or passion behind it. I'm so disgusted with the person I've become. I want to be happy. I want to be child-free. I want someone that respects me enough to have my back and follow through with what is agreed upon. Step-life is the worst. Every day I regret the decision I made to stay with this man, to marry him. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than to be put into this step-parenting role ever again.

Acratopotes's picture

Dogmom - calm down gal...

1. No one can read minds, next time take the vacuum out and say to SS/SD/DH directly, please vacuum the living room.
2. Trash to be empty - say Directly to DH... please see to it now...
3. Dirty dishes - once again, tell DH directly please sort this out NOW.

Stop running around tiring your self by keeping everything clean, it's time to delegate, DH agrees on the chores thing, thus make all the chores his responsibility.... either he does it or he tells the brats to do it, believe me he will do it at first, get tired like you are now, and then start telling skids to do it.

Simply bring in a rule, if chores not done, wifi and TV will remain off, take away all controls for games etc, they can earn it back.....

basically take control of your house and your life, if DH wants to spoil kids with allowing them to do nothing, guess he will pick up the slack for them Wink

DogMomOnly's picture

You're right. I need to calm down. But I've done this all before. I've tried being nice and asking, I've tried being a bitch and asking, I've tried letting it go and getting to a point where the floor was covered in dog hair, counters hadn't been wiped down in days, said nothing about dishes in the sink....just took care of my messes. Let me tell you how disgusting that was. I think I lasted 2 weeks (which seemed like a really long time). And guess what? Then we had an ant problem (again). I've throw away so much food from ants, I can't afford to keep doing it, it's so wasteful. Every time I've tried backing off and not being the one that is cleaning, we get ants. Every time.

DH has no problem doing things when I ask him. But it's the same stuff over and over. And I'm tired of asking. I feel like such a nag. I feel like I'm his mother telling him to do chores. We're supposed to be equals, I don't want to feel like I'm the parent to anyone, but it seems like I am to everyone. I've made the rules/chore charts. Literally posted them throughout the house so that SS "remembers". Doesn't matter, doesn't help. His entire room has been cleaned out of toys, books, games, everything except a bed and clothing. SS does not care. Phone has been taken away, video games/wifi not allowed. SS doesn't care. I've even made a chore chart just for me and DH, forget including the skids, they're doomed to be decent adults anyway. DH doesn't look at it or follow it.

My issues aren't just with a clean house. It's about teaching your children to be part of the household, to have responsibilities and be accountable for your actions. He doesn't teach any of this because he was never taught any of it by his own mother! And on top of that, he married a dumbass who shared the same "qualities". And now I'm the idiot who married into this whole mess of a situation.

Acratopotes's picture

Accept you are different people, raised differently by your parents and have different parenting styles.
Then you've won the battle half way...

Disengage from the kids, teach your DH... I call it house train your husband.
Amy Shutherland actually wrote a book on it and it's a good read, below a link that got me to this writer's book

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1257089/How-train-husband-like...

Then stop being like me and Monchichi.. we are the bleach ocd queens lol....

here's my fav link on disengagement, I never talked about it to SO, I just did it, so you decide if you want to talk about it or just do it.... and Dog, be persistent, it's the only thing that works.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Year ago I was an evil BM.. still am today lol.... I would tell Deigma what to do, he would ignore the chores, came dinner... oeps sorry people who does not want to work, can't have food, grab some dry bread and water my son, you did nothing to deserve a good cooked meal.... took me about 2 months to get Deigma to do his chores without nagging and shouting.

I also found that by keeping quiet or talk to SO in a very low soft voice, get's him jumping like a flea... I have no idea why, he's more scared of my voice then of my ragging witch behavior...

sammigirl's picture

The grass isn't greener with any other man. Every time something needs to be accomplished that you want your SS11 to do; directly address it. Just because you told him once to do it, doesn't mean he will automatically do it the next time. With Men, no matter the age, this never happens. I ask DH "Can you help me do this, this, and this today?" He is very helpful, if I ask and don't nag; with this said, I understand your frustration, believe me!

I have to ask my DH to help me out each and every time. It is very frustrating, but believe me "it's a man thing". DH can throw something in the overflowing trash can and not think to dump it; so I see it and say "DH, would you mind taking the trash out and putting in a clean bag, when you finish with what you are doing?" Yep, I even have to tell him to put in a clean bag; believe me "it's a single track thinking problem", they can't do two things in a row.

You teach your kids and DH's to respect you and it takes daily work. I gave up on the frustration and stood toe to toe and ask my DH, as well as (years ago) bio sons to do this, do that, blah, blah, blah. They always did as I ask, but each time I had to ask again, with a civil tone and manner.

That's life, especially with an 11 year old. Set some boundaries with the TV and video games; when the chores are complete, no problem with visiting a friend or playing with the electronics. Have your SS11 do one or two things each day, try not to overwhelm him at his age. If he spends an hour or so a day helping, as well as DH, it will be easier to keep up with the household. If you don't want to do it all alone, just ask, ask, ask. Take it one task at a time; it is not so overwhelming for these one track thinkers. Women are multi-task, men are not.

Good luck. (((hugs)))
I think we've all experienced this task and we fully understand your vent.

Acratopotes's picture

sammi - Mum said to me....

the grass is always greener on the other side, but only because there's more dung!!!

ESMOD's picture

"if he spends an hour or so a day helping, as well as DH, it will be easier to keep up with the household."

It honestly wouldn't take an hour a day even. Even 15 or 20 minutes spent vacuuming, dusting or taking out trash would make a difference I think.

However, I think that the OP is "done". I think the things she is venting on are only a symptom of her troubles not really the cause.

DogMomOnly's picture

Thank you, Ghost Flower. It's nice to hear someone else is in the same shoes....the situation sucks but it beats feeling alone in this. I wish the best for you. I think I know what you are feeling since our situations are similar. It sucks a lot, but hopefully there is still a chance at more happiness for us.

sammigirl's picture

The key here is "she". Like I said women are multi task and have no problem seeing things that need to be done.

ESMOD's picture

"We did eventually talk about it a little, but I didn't get the feeling that anything would change. It never has before. Later that night, after I vacuumed a couple of rooms, I left the vacuum out (plugged in and sitting in the room that I wanted next to be vacuumed). But I decided I needed some me time and I wanted to work out. So I went to the basement and had my hour long work out session. The whole time I thought, maybe, just maybe he will figure it out, see the vacuum sitting there plugged in just waiting to be used. And maybe, just maybe he will tell SS11 to do it.

I am a mother-effing idiot. None of that happened. No one vacuumed, let alone THOUGHT of doing it. His kid didn't do a damn thing, didn't do anything with the trash like I suggested he be responsible for (literally the EASIEST chore in the world). He didn't have him practice his trumpet. He didn't have him help make dinner. He got to do nothing, once again."

You can't set up "double top secret" tests for him and his kids and then not be surprised when they fail miserably. It sounds like you and he may have different priorities on having a "clean home". Maybe he can deal with more of a mess, but it's a problem for you? Either that, or it's just as easy to let you do it.

I think you need to be more explicit and specific regarding your expectations. Tell him you can't do it all and that you want to talk about a fair division of taking care of the household chores (include lawn work and other stuff he may already be doing). What would it take for you to feel better? Someone vacuum 2x a week? If so, say that I need someone to vacuum the house on Mondays and Thursdays. Tell him that you don't want to have to remind that person, that it must be done. You are tagging him with the responsibility of having it accomplished. He can do it or get his kids to do it, either way, you need it done. Also, new house rule is no dishes in the sink (or left in rooms). If you use it, you rinse it and put it in dishwasher. Then all you need to do is add detergent and run it every couple days.

Try with some specific things and see how it goes.

ESMOD's picture

You brought up a good point. You can generally ask people to do a chore, or you can have it done your way by doing it yourself. You will find that making someone do something and then bitching at them about HOW it was done is going to make them a lot less likely to pitch in.

Case in point. I am not a stellar homemaker when it comes to cleaning. My EX was a bit of a nut when it came to cleaning and how he wanted things done. Of course, he didn't want to do the work but he loved telling me exactly how I was doing things "wrong" constantly. A few things come to mind.

1. I didn't clean countertops right. You have to do them in a precise pattern "cue him showing me what that correct pattern was."
2. I'm helping him put up fencing and I am holding the board "wrong". Cue him showing me the right way to carry a board. (never mind that I did things the way I did because I am not as strong and needed to hold it against myself for leverage).
3. I didn't clean the pastures regularly enough. As in, you better get out and clean the DIRT. Yes, I ran a harrow through to break up and breakdown the piles.. but he wanted me to be out there with a shovel every day. um no.

Finally, I told him that if I was going to be given a load of crap every time I did something.. and also got an equally large load of crap for being "lazy" and not doing things, I was going to start taking the LAZY route. If I'm going to get grief either way, might as well not work myself to death. I told him if he wanted anything done differently, HE needed to do it.

He is now my EX. lol. Keep in mind all this harassment came from a man/boy that still needed me to find his socks every morning.

Acratopotes's picture

OP was venting and stated it clearly....

she's not asking if she should leave or stay.. she's angry and vented.

DogMomOnly's picture

^^^this! Yes, you're so right! Thank you. My favorite part - "that's because someone else is the coach". I am wasting my time and chance at happiness waiting for this job. But it's not that simple just to up and move. I have large dogs which really limits me from moving to a small choice of places. Plus I work 12 hour shifts which makes it hard for me to care for the dogs on my own. There's a lot of thought and planning that has to go into getting out. And getting this job means being gone for training for half the year. I completely agree with what you say...it's just doing it that is the hard part.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I was going to say the same thing as Heavenlike.

This isn't just about chores - chores are just the symptom. And it doesn't sound to me like you are just having an "off" day and need to vent - this seems like you have deep-seated resentment.

You and your DH have a fundamental difference in values and ethics. Those are things that cannot be changed easily, especially if someone doesn't want to change.

What you are experiencing now is probably reflective of how the remainder of your relationship (and life) will be. As the skids get older, the problems with them (and your DH) will get more intense. Kids raised without limits and discipline will often turn into adults with serious problems - at the least, a permanent attitude of entitlement and seeking hand-outs, and disrespect for others. At the worst end, such as school drop outs, permanent unemployment, teen pregnancies, drugs, crime, etc.

Not saying it will happen in your case but you should be prepared for it.

This may keep you and your DH at constant odds, and he's already demonstrated he isn't willing to put in the parenting work to fix it now.

I think was resonated with me the most was your statement about how you are "disgusted with the person I've become." That really hits home for me, since that was the turning point when I filed for divorce. I had become a miserable shrew and a nag, because I was trying to change a person who didn't want to change. That's when I knew I had to regain me, and the way out was to be free. I also did it because my ex truly was not a bad person, and he did not deserve to be with someone who was so miserable WITH HIM. I looked at it as letting both of us go to find something better. And we both did. He is happily remarried and I am with my SO - who I never act that way with because we are so much better suited for each other.

I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make, and know that there can be a better life for you on the other side of this relationship, if that's what you want. I found mine, hope you can too.

DogMomOnly's picture

Thank you for this. I do feel like I've become that shrew and nag. I've talked to DH so much about this is every way I can think of to explain how I feel. We've gone to counseling too. I've seen small changes in parenting, but in our 5 years together the baby steps he's taken still haven't amounted to much of a change at all. He seems to revert back to the way it was...1 step forward 10 steps back. I'm at that breaking point and I realize we have different expectations in life. I know we will both be happier without each other.

hereiam's picture

Every day I regret the decision I made to stay with this man, to marry him.

So, what are you going to do about it?

Cover1W's picture

Interesting.

I have a very, very similar situation with DH - we were just married and I have no intention of leaving him. He's a great partner for me he's just very lazy in the parenting area. It took me a good several years of figuring out how to deal with his style and the SDs. And it's constantly shifting as the SDs get older and the dynamics change. If you really want out, then just get out. There's nothing more to say.

If you want to stay then just stop doing it all.

You have to figure out what your breaking points are. Mine are a clean kitchen, a picked up living area, no over-flowing trash and no talking back, and no actions that damage the house/furniture. I fully engage on those things most of the time. And that means addressing it with DH directly if he is there and if he's not then I will address it directly with the SDs. Other things I can either let go or handle it myself. Every so often I'll remind DH to clean his office please or ask him to clean the SDs bathroom (that's an ongoing thing, trust me).l..and he hates hearing it. So much that he's now pretty darn good at cleaning the kitchen (he knows I'll lose it if it goes uncleaned for too long, more than 24 hrs and I stop cooking) but he still doesn't make sure the SDs clean up their own things, he'll do it sleeping on his feet rather than make one of them sully a finger putting their stuff in the dishwasher - but Not. My. Problem.

If I end up cleaning the house all day with no help (not the SDs bedrooms or bath or office) then I don't cook that night. If I cook, I don't clean up. Things left in living area that aren't mine? Trash or donation or thrown off deck, depending. I don't bother repeating things. SDs don't have clean clothes? I've taught them several times to use washer - not my problem. DH can do it or they can. Dishes left out around house? I clean them then put them into storage if no one cares enough that they are unusable by anyone else. If we run out of dishes - not my problem.

If something new comes up I'll discuss it with DH and let him handle it for the most part.

DogMomOnly's picture

My communication is very clear and open with DH. I've explained what my breaking points are for a clean house or how kids should behave. I've been very open and honest about it all from the beginning of us moving in together. It just doesn't seem to sink in. I don't cook for anyone but myself, that's been going on for awhile. When I did cook for DH and skids there wasn't much appreciation, certainly no thanks from the skids. SS would actually get up from the table and fake vomit in the bathroom. That's when I was done. I didn't care that the rest of us liked the meal, I was done with doing anything for them. I disengaged before I knew what disengaging was, before I found this site. I've tried the chore chart thing, it didn't last. DH and I have our own chore chart and I'm the only one that follows it. DH handles anything with skids - meals, rides, laundry - none of it is my responsibility because they don't want to show me respect or appreciation. Not my problem.

fakemommy's picture

Chores are so easy. Make a calendar. Same chore for the same of the week every week. Mondays is vacuuming and practicing instrument, Tuesdays is cleaning kitchen, etc. It takes time for them to get used to the expectation, but the repetition each week helps. Then it becomes, what is your chore on Monday rather than telling them to do something every day.

Cover1W's picture

This will only work if her DH supports it.

I did this and it worked great until older SD started complaining that it 'took too much time' and she wanted to do X tomorrow instead or put off Y until the next week...whhhhhhhyyyyyy do I have tooooooo? I'm talking: pick up room once a week, put on pjs before bed, clear table after dinner (just clear it!), etc.

So my DH said, "Why do they have to do these things? It's too hard. It takes too much time...and on and on." He then said "I'll create my own chart for them!" Never happened and the chart system died.

And it's now all on him.

DogMomOnly's picture

"Chores are so easy" - not in my house! I've done the chore chart thing. Posted it in multiple places around the house even, because SS doesn't remember anything he's told. More like he's very selective about what he remembers. I've preached the routine idea to DH a million times, he agrees and then doesn't follow through. SS is only here 3 days at a time and 5 days at BMs. He isn't expected to do anything there, so he comes here thinking he can get away with the same. He's right, because DH doesn't expect anything from him either. I've had to ban certain foods from the house because every time SS would eat it there would be a mess under the table. Some how no one but me would notice it. When I walked down to the basement to work out and heard crunching under my feet, I was livid. When I followed the trail of food to the front of the couch where I found a pile of crumbs only feet from where the vacuum was plugged in (this rarely happens that the vacuum is left out by the way). The skids never cared a bit about keeping their spaces cleaned, why would they care about keeping any space clean? They weren't taught to care, their parents don't care, I'm the only one that does. Chore charts around here would only have my name on it if anything was to actually get done around here.

sportslover's picture

I was in the exact same scenario. I am very happy to report I got out and waited 3 years to find a guy without kids. Had the studio apartment and all. I am 49, it is possible.

The difference is truly astounding. Once you're out and some time has passed, you won't believe what you put up with, really.

I cannot tell you how much I do NOT miss that life.

Good luck!

DogMomOnly's picture

Thank you for the hope! I know one day things will be better...it's just a matter of time.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Sorry you are in this position. It really sucks Sad

Was he like this before you married him? I'm really curious about your answer.

DogMomOnly's picture

Yes, he's always been the guilty, Disney dad. Looking back I see that, but in that moment in time I didn't realize it. It wasn't until shortly after we moved in together that I noticed all of this. He was always all about the fun stuff, the house was always a mess, the skids always asked him to do this and do that...things they were capable of doing themselves. But H always said yes, so of course they took advantage of that. He was still wiping SS's ass and at the time the kid was almost 8!! I definitely spoke out against that and it seemed like I never quit pointing out how much stuff he does for his lazy kids.

I always thought he was a good dad before we moved in together because the skids were always so excited to see him and dreaded going back to BMs. But I finally figured out it was because they did all the fun stuff with him and she was a mess back then (in an abusive relationship, drinking all the time, not paying bills, etc). Now the tables have turned, BM doesn't have any rules and she would rather be BFF than a parent. Now that she has an income again, she buys them stuff regularly. So skids like her more because dear old dad won't bend over backwards (as much) since I came along.

Teaching responsibility is such an evil thing for me to even think of doing. What an evil step mother I am. I've never been treated so poorly in my life. It's not worth it.

sportslover's picture

No, it's NOT worth it. I would spend all day cleaning the house and have great meal made.. and then literally within 10 minutes of them all coming in, it would look like a tornado hit, food wrappers on floor, dirty socks just thrown where ever they landed, and just endless crap everywhere. And the screeching, my god, the screeching.

ZERO respect that I just cleaned the house. When 4 people don't care AT ALL (and I truly mean, AT ALL!) if they walk on clothes, food wrappers, papers, and god knows what else for weeks on end.. and 1 (me) did..it just became so mentally and physically exhausting. I was a constant wreck. Felt sick to my stomach just pulling in after work. No way to live.

I tell my new guy all the time "did I tell you today how glad I am that you don't have kids?"

I actually took pictures of the mounds of messes so I could look at them during weak moments when I first left. It helped. Also, make a list of the "cons" vs. "pros" - I was amazed at the difference, like a 10 to 1 ratio. I kept these in my wallet for those first few months when you are transitioning.

Funny, because once that passes you just look back and laugh (and in awe) at how you put up with it, and with major relief that you are free.

You'll be fine.

SMof2's picture

my husband feels bad because he says they do all the cleaning at their mother's house so he doesn't really feel like fussing or making them do everything at our home......Yet its ok for me to always cook clean wash clothes, and pick up after everyone...what sense does that make. what is wrong with chores? what is wrong with them contributing in the home? cooking dinner 1 night? it will not kill them....they are lazy!! and slobs...and it ain't right...I'm close to leaving I just cant take it anymore.