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Birthdays

DogMomOnly's picture

Yesterday was SD15's birthday. I did not say anything to her. Just after midnight, she texts her dad and asked him if I knew it was her birthday because she hadn't heard from me.

Here's the story, but let's go back a few weeks first. She's been nothing but disrespectful, rude, and downright mean to her dad. Last week or so she decided she no longer wants to stay with us (10 days out of the month) because we are "too uptight" at our house. Meaning we have rules and her BM doesn't. H obliged and she no longer comes to our house. Yet, she think she get to tell H when to jump, but when he doesn't ask how high, she throws a fit and tells him that's not the way he's supposed to parent. In addition, this girl has barely spoken to me in the last year or more. She answers everything with "Yes", "No", "I don't know" or simply one word answers like "good", "fine", "okay".

As for her actual birthday, I honestly didn't remember. I work nights (12 hour shifts), therefore I sleep half of the day. When I woke up I had damage control to tend to on a house project that fell through with the supplier, which has been stressful enough for the last month or more. Meanwhile, my cousin contacted me regarding a visit next month, which was a conversation I needed to have then as she is trying to plan her summer with 2 small children. By the time that was all over I had to get ready for another night at work. I truly forgot because LIFE was happening.

About 11:30pm my H texts me and mentioned it being her birthday and that he asked her if they could go somewhere to celebrate this weekend (this text was sent around noon to her). She never responded to him and he was pretty hurt (once again) by her ignoring his messages. About an hour later, he tells me that she finally text him back, BUT it only asked if I knew it was her birthday because she hadn't heard from me. Nothing about going out this weekend like he asked. He responded with (I did not tell him what to say), "Do you know when her birthday is? You guys don't seem to have a very good relationship." Followed by another text of him calling her out for not replying to his message from 12 hours prior and that she should start the conversation with an answer to that instead of what she said.

She never responded. Shocking. I've been the scapegoat for his kids, his mom, his sister, and whoever else is keeping track for a couple of years now. Whenever there is something wrong, it MUST be my fault. His mom especially has been downright evil towards me, even ignoring me and walking right by me at my H's father's funeral. Very mature.

I was against sending her a text at 11:30pm because that is too late and I wouldn't send anyone a text at that hour unless I know for a fact they are awake. When she sent her text to my H after midnight, I clearly wasn't going to say it then. And I'm off work at 6am, so I wouldn't send anyone a text that early. So now here I am wondering what to do. Do I send the "Happy belated birthday" text when I wake up? Do I listen to my H and not say anything to her at all? He thinks that she needs to work on having a relationship with someone if she expects certain behaviors. She didn't tell me happy birthday a few months ago, but I'm expected to remember hers and tell her? At 15 she needs to learn how relationships are a two way street. No matter what I do at this point, I think it's a lose lose. I'll be blamed and blamed and blamed some more. Thoughts?

just.his.wife's picture

"Do unto others as you would have done to you."

This is more than just a passage in multiple religious scripts. It is a large life lesson that kids need to learn.

She placed this lesson in motion months ago. Let her learn it.

Icansorelate's picture

You seem to feel guilty. Why? This girl has no interest in having a relationship with you. Why would you chase her? Your DH seems willing to allow her actions to have natural consequences. Follow his lead.

Aeron's picture

Blamed for what and by whom? By the kid who doesn't give you the time of day anyway? Big deal. Your MIl who treats you like crap anyway?

You seem to be missing that you would be "blamed" for not being "enough" even if you threw the kid a 5K birthday party on the actual day. Some people are just miserable not nice people. I would not send her anything. If she wants to be part of family and visit and interact and be pleasant, then put a reminder in your calendar for next year. Otherwise, forget it. She's 15, not 5. There should be expectations for her to behave herself well and be at the least civil and polite to the people around her. If she wants to treat you like a stranger off the street, she needs to anticipate that is the treatment that will be returned to her.

Making sure she feels loved and special on her birthday is not your responsibility.

Litay's picture

Interesting, when my SD21 was younger, I went all out for her bdays, organizing parties with dozens of friends and family members. She grew more and more distant over the years, never acknowledging my birthday wishes to her. She certainly never acknowledged my birthday in any way. Just as your in laws abused you, my in laws dissed me terribly while supporting her. Last year, I was nagging her father to ask her to come to our favorite family restaurant to celebrate her 21st. He texted her with no response. I let it go at that. Months later, she lashed out at her father about how I had never wished her a happy birthday. I took this (wrongly) as a sign that she did care, tried to re-engage, apologized and tried to communicate with her more regularly. This ended with her calling me a manipulative cU#$ and vacating herself from our family altogether(except we still have to pay for her phone, car, insurance, and Netflix).

I guess what I'm trying to say is you can't win either way. If you had wished her a happy birthday, she undoubtedly would have ignored you. Just leave it alone. This is easier said than done. There's not a day that goes by when I don't feel the urge to try to make it right, to contact her, to tell her I love her (which I do), and try to establish normalcy. But, this just won't work. Good luck to you.

new.to.this's picture

at her age she is learning the affects of her actions...you treat someone disrespectfully or rude, they will want nothing to do with you. it seems your DH backs you up and is standing up for you, so i would say leave it be. has he said anything to you specifically that he would appreciate it if you sent her something? personally, i think sending a "belated" text would send her the wrong message; that she can complain to dad and you'll bend over. she needs to see him stand up for you.

Journey Perez's picture

F her! she doesn't live w/you anymore and you don't really have to deal with her, so I wouldn't.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Do not tell her Happy Birthday. If she ever asks why you didn't then ask her why she even cares.

DogMomOnly's picture

Thanks to everyone for the advice! I will definitely NOT be texting her. I think I knew all along I was done trying with someone that has no interest in giving back. I think BM may have put her up to it, but if it's me they want to worry about on their own time then good for them. This forum has definitely helped me do more for ME and put myself first. I only wish I found it years ago before l got into this mess!