Welcome. You are amongst friends. You are in the right place. Come and stay and post a lot. It will help.

You and your wife sound like you love each other and are trying to make it work... I would suggest couples counseling, as this reminds me of the typical splitting, and the fact that you are not the biological father makes it so much more easier. I don't know if you were like this as a child/teen, but as a teen when I wanted something I would first nag one parent and somehow I would initiate an arguement between my parents who would eventually be so exhausted or over arguing that they wouldn't pay that much attention to me and allow me to do what I wanted (thankfully my parents are awesome, are still married, and are currently my best friends. LoL). I guess what I'm trying to say, and I'm sure you know this as a teacher yourself, is that kids love to test limits - most of the time they have no idea what their testing for, why they're testing, or even know they're testing limits - its just what they do.

I'm assuming (so correct me if I'm wrong) that there has not been much stability in their life, after their parents split, and they may be acting out due to feeling a lack of security and consistency. Irregardless of the fact if you and your wife offer this to them, what is more relevant is their perspective of this, or lack there of... I'm also assuming that the fact that their dad does not seem reliable and is inconsistent, he is sending a message to the boys that he does not love, care, or consider them, which would cause me to rebel. if my own dad doesn't care about me, well, why should I?

Your sanity and mental health is the main priority in this, because if you're not stable, there is no way you can be strong for your marriage... perhaps in addition to couples counseling you could seek individual therapy as well?

Oh Jim... I wish I could give you a hug. It's so hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes. Hon, first thing first. It's time to disengage. That means stepping back and letting your wife parent. They are not your children and you have yourself and your daughter to worry about. If you are financially supporting them, stop. If you are cleaning their messes, literally and figuratively, stop. If you are losing sleep worrying about how you're going to help them, stop. They have a father and it is not you. You married your wife, not her boys. I know it hurts to watch the woman you love suffer and most men just want to fix things but this isn't your problem to solve. I wish I had a solution to gift wrap for you.

What an awful situation you are in!

Personally...I don't think I could have sent my own child away in order to try to help my poor-parenting-skilled partner try to raise their kids. I just don't think I could do that. (Note: I am NCP, so maybe my opinion is not valid...)

I have seen several posters on here who do a "separate but married" life--meaning that they don't live together and spend their couple time during non-skid time. Would an arrangement like that be possible for you? Once the boys are out of the house (which may be never from your description) you could go back to a more traditional arrangement.

You are spending your time, energy, and LIFE on HER kids when she just won't parent her own kids appropriately. Where is the wonderful in this person? You sent your own child away because your partner won't parent her own kids.

Please don't take my post as an attack on you--I'm trying to make you see what you are doing. You are enabling her to enable her kids.

Hi Jim.

Yes, I feel for you. You sound like a delightful father and husband--just trying to have a peaceful life. This is a great place to come and express your feelings.

It is time for your wife to be a parent to her unruly kids and you need to spend time with your own daughter. If staying at your place is too disruptive see your daugther somewhere else and this will give time for your woman to learn how to parent her own kids possibly.

You deserve a peaceful existence and your wife needs to make that happen for you.

Nothing is perfect, but as these kids age if something is not done now---you'll have skids like mine! Adults, like this...are the worst, trust me. But, you are a teacher, so you know all of this already.

Ignoring inappropriate behavior often actually results in reinforcing it...for kids and adults.

I know its hard. You must disengage because you are allowing these bad a$$ kids and their un-parenting mom to steal the joy from your life. You are allowing them to do this and you are giving them all the power. In a perfect world, your wife would parent her kids accordingly and get those lil wild animals under control and everything would be great. You are going to have to find your joy again and not let these kids ruin your life and what you have going on with your wife.

If I were you, I'd see what my county/city has to offer as far as family counseling goes. My SO did this with his D (age 14) this past spring and I think it was a pretty good experience for all of us and it only cost $60 for two months of sessions. It was a program offered by Family Services in my area, and it's an ongoing program available to anyone.

A previous poster mentioned getting you and your wife in to counseling and I think that's a great idea, but I think these kids need some therapy as well. Your wife seems pretty willing and cooperative so maybe a chat with the school guidance counselor/ school pshychologist is in order. What behaviors are carrying over into school, if any? Anyway, school may be another source of help, if their behavior affects things in school as well.

It sounds to me like some clear and simple rules need to be laid out - including keeping hands to themselves. Clear and simple consequences need to be discussed and laid out as well. The kids can even be asked to give in put into what the consequences should be. (That's what happened in this program my SO did with his D).

Sorry to hear this but I don't think things will change for you. As you don't have a child with her, I would seriously consider an exit plan. If you want to try counselling that is great but it might be very had for her to make changes with her kids this far along Good luck with it. Your mental health is the most important thing here.

As a fellow teacher, I can't imagine coming home to unruly kids. My step-mom was the sweetest kindest person I've ever met, but the children she raised were off the chain. She would say no to them until they threw a large enough fit - and then cave.

First welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute (your kid quals are stellar), and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.

I believe that you need to take some time to decompress, take some deep breaths, and do what you need to do for yourself or you will not be able to engage effectively in your marriage or in salvaging your bride’s toxic crotch nuggets. Yes, I understand that these are troubled children but …. Sometimes it feels better to call a spade a spade.

I would suggest that you engage in a failure analysis on what is missing in your communication and family dynamic with your DW that you are doing effectively with your XW in co-parenting in raising your amazing DD-17. My engineeric (yes, I know that it is not a real word) brain starts any trouble shooting effort with an analysis of what is missing. In this case…. Effective communication and actual results in parenting effort. You are a professional with children. What may be missing in your blended family dynamic is that in your professional life you work with kids and their families towards a goal. Academic or behavioral and generally you and the parents of those kids are in a symbiotic partnership focused on helping the kids.

For some reason that appears to be absent in your relationship with your bride in addressing the toxic crap from your SSs.

I have been dad to my SS-24 (I adopted him last year at his request) since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. That is my only kid qualification or experience other than being and uncle and having once been a kid myself.

Usually I am not one to consider ending a marriage over Skid behavioral issues. Usually I suggest establishing behavioral standards in the blended home and holding all kids in the home (regardless of their biology) to a consistent standard in an age appropriate manner. When a kid deviates…. Apply consequences. The why of the behavior is irrelevant to me. It is the behavior that is important IMHO. Sometimes it takes a firm foot up a kid ass to reconnect the brain with the standards of behavior.

That may be necessary with your toxic crotch nugget Skids.