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AM I READING TOO MUCH INTO THIS

the wicked witch's picture

MY SD21 shared this on her timeline yesterday. I raised her form 8 to 18..and have disengaged from her because she does not respect me or our family. She posted this on her Facebook Timeline yesterday and its bugging the heck out of me. I feel like she is putting it out there to the Fb world that i am an abusive parent....my husbnad thinks it could be "anybody"..of coarse he defends her at every turn////Please help me put a frame around this!! Am I being too sensitive???

HERE IT IS!!!

Please fucking read this. Everyone tells me how nice my mother is and it actually kills me.

Also,here's a very important thing: a lot of abusive people will not show their abusive side at all in front of non-victims. Perhaps your friend claims her mother is emotionally abusive, but when you meet her mother, the woman is very sweet and generous and makes for great conversation and even treats you guys to ice cream or something.

Abusive people ar alarmingly good at coming across as perfectly good people when they are not also with their victims. They can flip like a switch being scary and being amiable. Some might even go the extra mile and turn people agains you, making it seem like you're just being selfish and they're not at fault. The two-faced act may not always be intentional, but that doesnt make it any less damaging. In fact, it can make things worse becasue people believe you and you may not get the support you need.

So..if someone tells you that their parent/significant other/etc. is emotionally abusive, and your first thought is "But they were so nice when I met them !" this is probably what is happening. Please dont dismiss them just because you may have had a positive experience with someone that makes their life hell when you are not looking. Listen to them!!

Comments

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Ya. I'd say she is definitely making a dig at you

the wicked witch's picture

BM id a "didney mom" who was never really there...and now just tells her what she wants to hear..she has always done that....I did noty allow myself that luxury in raising her.

nengooseus's picture

Yeah, well, she's just being a b*tch then. LOL

I would try to take it as a badge of honor. If she's half as screwed up as she seems to be, this is just projection: She's blaming you for her own behavior.

notasm3's picture

Block her. Of course she pointed that little nugget at you. Remove her from your life totally.

SM12's picture

Ignore her...she is just having a pity party.
And don't get me wrong...I have a similar situation. I raised my SD from the age of 5 until 17.
She had zero contact with her BM from the age of 12 until 17.
To her and everyone else, I was her mom.
But the second she could she put a knife in my back and turned on me.
BM came back and started throwing money at her to make up for the abuse SHE caused and I
was pushed away.

I would be pissed too if I were you, but just don't act on it.
Like a lot of children, negative attention is better than NO attention.
She is just trying to get a reaction out of you.
Block her from FB so you don't have to see the rubbish.

the wicked witch's picture

Ok coarse..I WILL NOT respond....that wont get me an where....it makes me furious that she is putting it out thre that I abused her...DH says I should just block her so I dont see the stuff..I am not going to do that..would rather see the crap..so I know what is out there!! SD23 and I have a great relationship..she knows that i am alwyas going to be there to help her...whenver she need me. SD21 is immature and lives for pokemon and video games...I would help her in a minute if she called and asked me...OTHER THAN THAT/..I am keeping myself far away from her!!

Maxwell09's picture

She's probably looking for some victim-attention, ignore the whore. If anything you could post something equally as ambiguous about how hard it is raising a stepkid. I would personally be hurt if my SS4 ever posted that about me but then again what I just read reminds me of his mother so I would probably ask him to clarify who he meant then block him if it's about me so I don't keep setting myself up to get my feelings hurt.

So_Annoyed's picture

I read this and thought, yes, my SD13 could write that too. Why? Because I parent her, I say no to her, I don't believe everything she says, I have expectations and limits for her. And she dislikes it. She is not mine, she is the product of her absentee mother, and I have no doubt she'd push me in front of a bus if her mother reappeared. But IMO the skids are what they write about, they are the ones who can "flip like a switch", and change at the drop of a hat.

So if you really feel she is referring to you, I'd block her too. The feelings go two ways, we seem to get blamed for most of it but I do believe a lot of the skids act this way more often. Just my opinion.

the wicked witch's picture

I guess you could be right about it being about her BM...BUT..the relationship there is very different...i went through the whole adolescent /teenager stage and held my ground...even though I knew her mom was trashing me behind my back....i am trying to let it go and not worry about whether it was meant for me or not..but it is a challenge!!

ESMOD's picture

It could have been written about "anyone" really. the post mentions moms, parents and significant others. It's likely she copped this from somewhere else and just reposted it right?

So.. it could be she is referring to you... or your DH... or it could actually be her bio mom. She may have given the appearance of disney but maybe mommy has her flaws too?

It also mentions significant other. Is she dating someone that maybe could be abusive?

My OSD occasionally would post things on FB like "how children of divorce love differently" etc.. articles about why they can't connect because mommy and daddy didn't live together. I think it was passive aggressive ways to try to throw guilt out there. Of course her grandmother (my MIL) would always get all crybaby about it and "poor OSD". I called bullshit on it and said she just posts this crap to get under her mom's skin and to get attention. (dad doesn't do FB too much bless his heart).

Don't get me wrong, I kindof understand how being a kid of divorce is going to change your perception of family and relationships but seriously if you are having issues, go see a counselor, you gain nothing by posting this stuff that is only meant to make others feel sorry for you and make your parents feel some guilt.

Anyway, these passive aggressive posts are best ignored. Who knows who the real target was. I would just block/unfollow/unfriend..whatever works best.

iwasindenial's picture

I think you are right... if you copy, paste and google that post, you will find it on other sites as well.... So, hopefully it's not aimed at you. : )

twoviewpoints's picture

"...DH says I should just block her so I dont see the stuff..I am not going to do that..would rather see the crap..so I know what is out there!! "

I don't know who she is writing about. However, I think your DH gave you good advice. What need do you have to read every little thing she says and feels? Are her 'friends' on FB your 'friends'? Anyone who reads her stuff (such as family members/extended family and/or people who actually know you) aren't going to take the ranting's of a 21yr old "who is immature and lives for pokemon and video games" very seriously. After all, people who matter and are actually associated with you know better. As others here noted those people may believe she's writing of her actual biological mother (who didn't bother to raise her for ten years or they know themselves that you are not an abusive stepparent. They've watched you raise her and those people know you well.

notsobad's picture

"DH says I should just block her so I dont see the stuff..I am not going to do that..would rather see the crap..so I know what is out there"

He's right. You are just giving her space in your head and twisting yourself in knots over something that probably has nothing to do with you.

And what if it did? What if you are right and it is a dig at you?
What are you going to do about it other than get yourself upset, upset and drag DH and others into it? I don't see any good good coming out of you knowing what is out there.

In my case BM is building a house and posting all about it on FB. I'm not her friend but we share a lot of friends and her posts show up on my feed occasionally. Then I go creep her page.
It always makes me feel bad because I want to build a house with DH and there she is doing it. I have to stop myself and ask why I'm doing this to myself.
Know what is out there is just filling your head with angst that you don't need, block her and walk away. Live a happy stress free, SD free life.

the wicked witch's picture

I COULD NOT RESIST..posted this to my timeline..no tags or anything ..it is also vague..but I think i worded it very carefully....well see!!

When somebody posts a vague post that hints that they were abused by someone....and puts it out for the whole FB community to read and run with, The problem with vague posts is that you are leaving it up for the interpretation of people....which WILL happen!! I cant help but wonder about their intentions. Is it to "call out" the person who was said to be the abuser and try to make people see them for the terrible and abusive person that they are OR ...or is it to call attention on themselves and make people feel sorry for them for the injustices that took place. Either way...putting it out there in the first place is wrong and can only hurt relationships!! !! I am going to attempt to refrain from commenting on such posts....just had to get this out!!! FB IS not real life...communcation in person and being together is the way to foster strong and lasting relationships. In the overly digital world we live in. its all to easy to hide behind a computer screen and toss "rocks" and then sit back and enjoy the show...just sad!! Hopefully time, maturity and lots of prayer will eventually heal the relationships...

moeilijk's picture

Sounds like you had a good reason to disengage, so I don't know if I'd re-engage over this. But, if I did decide to engage, I'd take her post at face value.

"Oh, SD, what a good discussion to start! It's so important to find that balance between trusting your own judgement and supporting a friend in need. Of course, keeping an open mind and gathering information for yourself is important, but so is being a kind and loving person towards the people who have been there for you. I think maybe the best thing is to help your friend see their good and strong qualities, so that they can take the steps they need to in order to improve their lives. Wishing you well!"

Nicely passive-aggressive in return if that's how her original message was intended, but if not, sage advice that all her FB-friends will read and further reinforce how nice you are. Lol.

Or, you could go all-out aggressive and say, "And some people you just can't take seriously."

ESMOD's picture

Probably a good idea. If it WAS you she was trying to call out, your post would have given her the satisfaction that she hit her target.

My YSD was posting on her twitter the other day (she is 18) and was having a public chat with another one of her friends who's twitter handle is basically, "im trying to f*ck" the girl was talking about changing it and my ysd said don't do that she doesn't care even though her stepmom lurks on there sometimes.

I was like .. sheesh girly.. I lurk because you sometimes need someone to tell you to NOT post crap.

Just in the last couple weeks, she posted about an upcoming trip she was going to take and I advised her to not put it out on social media that she will be out of town because that's when people will rob you.

I also had her dad tell her to take a picture off her instagram which was basically her in a "stripper squat" pose in short shorts with her Bf holding her upraised hand while she had a long carnival lollipop up to her lips with a seductive look. Her stuff is public and she doesn't need the world seeing that crap.

hereiam's picture

Good, because you were doing exactly the same thing she was. And saying how it was not the proper way to communicate!