Any LDS step parents out there....need to find some support....before the missionary process..
SS18 is just getting his paperwork in for his LDS mission. He has been in the care of DH and I since he was 3. He has gone to his moms..on alternating weekends and holidays. He suffers from ADD and HAD reative detatchment disorder...but has been able to overcome allot. I am the one who has helped and encouraged him for the last 15 years to be the best he can be. I helped him work through scouts to earn his Eagle Scout. I am the one who fills out all of the paperwork..for schools, ect..and the one who has been the caretaker of his medical and dental needs. DH is a great dad, but i am a stay at home mom..and have 3 bio kids..so I am the primary person at home every day. He does not have a licence yet, as we feel he lacks judgement to drive safely...but he does have a permit. Actually..the guy testing his driving DID give him a pass for his licence..even though he blew through 2 stop signs during the test. DH and I agrees..he needs more practice and did not have him get his actual licence. Saves us insurance $ anyways. He has been working since last summer to save $$ for his mission..and says he wants to serve. The challenge..He is very much like his mother....and has VERY LITTLE personal motivation...and has to be reminded frequently about the basics....like cleaning up after himself and self-care (hygiene)...I have tried very hard to create a routine here in our home that will help him be successful. My frustration..EVERY TIME he goes to his bio-mom's for any length of time, its like a switch is flipped and he "forgets" much of what he should be doing. I know he is 18, but I also believe that routing is going to be the key for him. At his moms, he does not always shower, or do his self care..and he certainly does not get reminders from his bio mom. Also ....when he comes back, I have to work all the harder to get the darn boy to pick up after HIMSELF!!! He was at his bio moms after he got his wisdom teeth removed (for recovery) ...and ended up staying there almost 2 weeks. He is back home now, and I am over the top frustrated at his backslide. What WAS better is that I actually say progress..in that he DID say he remembered to shower every day..even if he did not put deoderant on. I guess any progress is good. I am not sure how to proceed as the "STEP"parent when it comes to missionary stuff...Like the Mothers Day and Christmas phone calls, etc...have any of you had experiences or success in the realm?? THANKS IN ADVANCE
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I truly believe that it will
I truly believe that it will help him mature and be responsible BECAUSE he will have to do it for himslef...
I'm not LDS and have very
I'm not LDS and have very little knowledge of the missionary process, but none of this really seems like step issues to me...
These are growing up and learning how to take care of yourself issues, and whether it's a mission or college, or just moving out on his own, it's on him to develop and maintain the routines over time, and regardless of the setting. As I understand the mission process, they have to demonstrate their fitness for duty, so to speak, so he's going to have to do whatever that takes if he wants to do a mission.
I am asking for advice on how
I am asking for advice on how others have handles the missionary process with their skids....
How is it any different than
How is it any different than how you would handle the process with a bio kid? Are you concerned about who will get the call on Mother's Day?
I am just wondering how other
I am just wondering how other mothers have handles the calls...as a step mom....so I can have some insight..would rather discuss Now BEFORE he leaves!
Honestly, I would expect it
Honestly, I would expect it to depend on your relationship with him more than anything. If he thinks of you as Mom, he'll call you on Mothers' Day. Or he won't because he'll forget, like many other young adults. LOL
I find with stepparenting, when I have expectations of how things should go (or hopes and plans), the reality is often disappointing in comparison.
I'm not LDS but lived in Salt
I'm not LDS but lived in Salt Lake for 7 years. Maybe him going on his mission will help him develop into a more productive adult. Besides the person with him, and church members near by, he is going to have to learn to do for himself.
I have 2 adults kids, believe they learn when they have no one to remind them.
I am hoping this is so!~!
I am hoping this is so!~!
I am asking for
I am asking for advice...before hand..so that I am prepared..and ready. I know the mothers day and Christmas phone calls are a given..so we need to communicate IN ADVANCE..so that there is less chance of hurt feeling and drama..if that is possible. The hard thing ...for me..is that his bio mom has had very minimal responsibility with SS18..and she ...EVERY TIME...loves to downplay my role (OF COARSE) and re-state that SHE is the mom...I just dont respond or react to here anymore. People who know us..know the situation..
Your SS also very likely
Your SS also very likely knows the situation... You're all just going to have to communicate and do it for him. They have SUPER limited time, so either creating a group Skype call, or meeting up just for the bit of time that will be had during Skype is best for SS (and also all of you who will be missing him!) However, those Skype periods are for his family and shouldn't cause him drama. You're part of his family, so you should definitely be allowed to be involved.
Super limited time, it's one
Super limited time, it's one call on Mother's day and one on Christmas, both scheduled in advance through email, other than that it's emails and snail mail.
Of course! Also that could
Of course!
Also that could be a good compromise if they can't function together... Then everyone gets time with him!
I am not sure what the
I am not sure what the guidelines are...or if he can call BOTh moms..that is why I am asking if anyone has experience this situation
When he comes back treat him
When he comes back treat him like a new adult. What you do now for him do not do then. Once they start off on their own do let them regress.
He goes on his mission. He
He goes on his mission. He lives and learns and hopefully becomes more mature and responsible (Sounds like you make things very easy for him, hence why he may not be as responsible as he could be.)
As far as communications... it is what it is. If he calls his mom over his dad/you then it is what it is. Why stress about it?
Are you worried that since you won't have the "control" over him, like the day to day that you are used to that something is going to change?
Sorry I'm just confused what you being a SP or him being a skid has to do with him going away on his mission.
It sucks being a step parent
It sucks being a step parent and knowing that no mater what we will always come second to the bio parent. I am sorry, but that is your reality. Talk to your ss and ask that he at least send you a letter every now and then, if that is permitted. If not, it is one year and a good time for you both to adjust to his adult life and him moving out beyond the family into the adult world.
You said it so much better
You said it so much better then I did... But yes I agree with all of this.
If ss is this immature he may
If ss is this immature he may get sent home and you won't have to worry about competing with BM for holiday phone calls. Can't have a stinky missionary who forgot to shower for a few days knocking on doors. I'd advise you to loosen the reign a bit, it sounds like he doesn't know how to function unless someone is telling him what to do. Like others said, he'll learn if he has to.
I'm not LDS but I do know a
I'm not LDS but I do know a bit about the religion.
The length of the phone calls will depend on where he is sent for his mission. If he's in Haiti, don't expect a call. If he's in San Francisco, he should be able to call both you and his BM.
Because of his ADD I would suspect they will send him to a community that will help him and be there for him while still allowing him to become independent.
As for backsliding, after a two year mission I doubt he'll go back to his old ways of not showering or taking care of himself. Unless they actually send him to Haiti and there are no showers!
I don't agree with the reasons for the missions, which is to convert people to Mormonism, but they are a wonderful way for kids to grow up and for parents to let go.
I think for you it's the letting go that is hard. In my experience LDS mothers have a hard time letting go and being a stepmother adds hugely to that. You know you aren't his mother but you are still very bonded to him. It's not a nice place to be.
Tell him you love him. You would very much love to talk to him while on his mission but you understand if he's unable to call. Then let him go.