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At my wit's end!

EveelStepmother's picture

I'm 33 I have been with my husband for 6 years. We have only been married for 2 years. He has 2 children, now 9 & 11 and he has 50/50 custody with his ex. They were 3 & 5 when we first started dating. I can't say I've been the perfect step mom but I try very hard. I attend as many school functions, awards ceremonies, baseball, football soccer games, Boy Scout, Girl Scout, Dance classes, recitals etc. etc. etc. as possible. I e-mail the kids teacher's to keep in the know about school functions, snack days etc. (The "Other People" do not like to share information). I do all the school clothes shopping, meal planning, grocery list making, weekend planning etc. etc. etc. I am my SD 9's Girl Scout troop leader. I have taken days off work with sick step kids, taken the kids to numerous doctor's appointments etc. etc. etc.

The majority of the last 6 years Bio mom has done so very little to support her children she keeps them about 50% of her time (so 25% of the time). She rarely attends any school functions or awards ceremonies, games, recitals etc.! She opts to let her mother keep them most of her visitation days and the days she does get them its late at night, after her mother has picked the kids up from school, had them do homework, fed them, bathed them, she packs a change of clothes for them and meets bio mom around 9:00-10:00 PM with the kids so they can go to bed at her house. Lately (this summer) she has been keeping the kids as shes supposed to, she has gotten a little better.

The main issue is actually not with bio mom, its with the kids grandmother "Nana", she is more like the other parent in the equation. The kids constantly complain about "Nana" and how she makes them do this and do that, she forces my SD to wear clothes she doesn't want to and forces SS to play baseball when he doesn't want to. Nana doesn't approve of Girl Scouts, and tells SD that its not COOL and popular girls don't do Girl Scouts (BARF). So SD has issues with being in Girl Scouts, even though she loves it, she hides it from her friends at school out of fear of being made fun of. Nana is constantly a trouble maker, she's deceitful and manipulative, the kids have told us on numerous occasions that she will "pay" her daughter to let her keep the kids overnight. Bio mom is in a lesbian relationship that her mother does not approve of AT ALL. She is ALWAYS trying to get the kids from bio mom and breaks down in tears crying and hyperventilates etc. So bio mom gives in most of the time, except when she's mad at her mother, then she seems to "punish" her by keeping the kids away from her.

There have been SOOOO many issues with "Nana" lying and causing issues she crosses a new line almost weekly. From telling SD, 7 at the time. That she looks like trailer trash when she wears our clothes, to sending changes of clothes on picture day with the kids aunt who works at the school so they can change into "her" clothes, that are soooo much better. When confronted she adamantly denied it, when BOTH kids could describe the clothing in detail that was sent with the aunt the day before at Sunday dinner and both kids were told to go see their aunt before pictures to change. She's obsessed with the kids clothing, she has entire closets for each of them at her house, she instructs them to take their (her) dirty clothes to school to give to their aunt so we don't "lose" or "ruin" them. Also kids have been instructed to not let us wash their (her) clothes because she doesn't like the way our laundry detergent smells, it stinks (we use GAIN?!?!??) Additionally if any clothing that we have purchased goes to her house and she doesn't like it, it mysteriously disappears. One skirt in particular, I was recently informed by SD, Nana threw away and tossed spaghetti sauce on it. She broke down in a crying fit at the school one picture day (it was our day) because she didn't make it to the school in time to have SS change his clothes.

For the most part we play nice with Nana and bio mom, for the sake of the kids. There have been some issues over the years of course but no one is perfect. Nana works at SS's new school and I asked her a few weeks ago when Orientation was, she told me she didn't know and it would probably be closer to when school starts. So I thought to check the school website and it happened to be on a night we had the kids. So we go, and on the way there bio mom calls and kids tell her where we are going. Bio mom tells kids like 4 times that we don't need to go to that. We went anyway of course, Nana is there and acts all nicey nice, like she did nothing wrong, she works there remember? . Um hello, you totally lied to me! Dad gets school papers and he's not listed ANYWHERE on the papers so we added him but Im sure Nana will take care of that and remove his information! She always has the school contact her when the kids are sick etc., she's taken the kids out of school on our days without notifying Dad or kept them home from school and not told him either. I know we could take that issue up with the school board but Dad doesn't want to make waves (he's a pacifist).

Both kids are extremely bright and good hearted BUT SD is very influenced by Nana and that really bothers her Dad and I. I have actually heard Nana encourage the children to cheat, "If you can't win, cheat" and by her lying its showing the kids its OK to do that. Dad and I are good honest people, we encourage kindness, honesty, caring, compassion, manners etc. ALL THE TIME, when the kids come back to our house from being with Nana they are disrespectful, whiny and demanding. It usually takes them a few days to get back to the way they were before they left. Lately bio mom has been keeping them and they have been better behaved when coming back. But bio mom has done this before, she will keep them like she's supposed to for awhile and then back to Nana's they go. She seems to only want to keep the kids when its "convenient" for her.

Im waiting for the next round to start, SS has be at school at 7:40 AM now and Nana works there, bio mom lives 20 min from his school so Im sure its coming again, it would be a lot easier for Nana to just keep the kids overnights.

Does anyone else have boundary issues with a grandparent like this?!?!???