Help..BM won't stop inviting us
I am currently disengaging for the last year after 13 years of a roller coaster relationship with 3 Skids and enmeshment to BM. BM gave the appearance of a Blended family with us and I got so much hurt,, well you all get it. So DH was great with declining BMs BBQ invite this weekend. The Skids are all grown and married but he still wants to go because they are there plus there is one grandchild. She must sense I am breaking ties because she now asked us to all meet at a restaurant tonight. She is relentless at keeping this system going where she is the big Mama (has no partner and no life but watching reality tv). I cannot do it. I said no and now I am the bad guy. DH is like " I made a day for us yesterday, this would be fun tonight. You get mad when they invite us and mad when they don't". I said "I've been telling you I am only comfortable going to major things for the kids with Bm like graduations, etc. now that they are grown. It's not fun for me". II know he is unhappy but I just cannot do it anymore. Please advise, as I feel like I will ruin my marriage.
WE do that all summer and
WE do that all summer and they accept the invite. I told him to make some dates for our place. But this is not enough in this enmeshed system. He wants what we used to have where we went to BMs for insignificant things and met at restaurants. I started disengaging last year when it became obvious that they kids pulled away from me (they don't ask for me, don't call or text hello anymore, no more Mother's day wishe which they told DH we never wanted to do that). I know BH was behind it because she has enormous influence over them and advises them on all matters about who and how to include or exclude in their lives. She has excluded me when it served her or included me. For example, she asked me to pay half for one kids' shower yet, I am not asked at Grandmother's brunch. I am done. But its never enough for dh he says "I want it to be the way it used to be"
Just say, "Bye honey, have
Just say, "Bye honey, have fun." This is my line anytime I don't want to go to a gathering w/DH. When we were first married he wanted me to go to a dinner party with his ex-gf's sister and some of their friends. DH said, "It'll be OK because ex-gf is out of town and won't be there." I had zero desire to sneak over to some party and insert myself while the ex-gf was out of town. I told DH to go and have fun, he didn't but the door is always open for him.
Some of these men are just
Some of these men are just total aholes. Once the "children" are adults there is ABSOLUTELY UNCONDITIONALLY NO REASON TO SEE BM at all except in passing at weddings and graduations.
Now some people (both husband and wife) may CHOOSE to have a relationship with an ex - but no one should be forced to do so against their will.
These comments are immensely
These comments are immensely helpful and serve to reinforce my feelings and thoughts. It is very hard to be in this alone especially since I have changed the status quo. Guess what..I told DH three times today to go if he needed to be there and see his oldest son. He said he would not go without me and that was a nice surprise. I don't know what the future will bring. Both kids texted and called today and I am guessing they are sensing the pull back. They want me around to normalize the situation and have their parents together but they don't want to even say hello to me on the phone. Done with that. I suspect they are going to double down on me and give him some guilt. I'm ready.