Thoughts please
Forums:
Started disengagement w SS and wife after years of ignoring me on bdays holidays etc. use me to baby sit but Mother's Day I'm invisible. DH asked me if I want my name on their baby's Easter card he bought. Do I take it out on the baby too??
I wouldn't hold the baby
I wouldn't hold the baby accountable until you see how step-grandbaby will change the relationship. I had issues with one of my SDIL until she had a child. She is a completely differnt person and sees me at the main grandma. Her BM and SS's BM are neither good parents or grandparents. MSS, who I haven't always had a good relationship with, is closer to me than ever. They call me for parenting advice and send me baby pics constantly. SDIL told me MSS says, "Call my SM she will know what to do." I know this coudl go a nother directions, but I would take the high road until you know for sure. It is just a card.
Yep, just a card. No harm in
Yep, just a card. No harm in him signing "Love, DH and Kinder1". It's a common thing for couples to do that and doesn't mean anything.
But...
The baby is 2. They used me once in an emergency for a full week to watch her then I became invisible again regarding. No Mother's Day not even a text. All the other grandmas get gifts. Please give further thoughts. I really appreciate!!
More
I gave SS wife a baby shower and have indulged the child w love and respect.
for the card...
...sure, just sign. It's the polite/normal thing. BUT if they contract you for another week of unacknowledged babysitting...no. And ay other requests or favorts that take actual time and energy, you decide if you wouldn't mind or even enjoy cuddling a baby for the afternoon or not. If you have plans, don't change them for ungrateful people.
Confused
I appreciate the thoughts but it's confusing that folks here are suggesting I still acknowledge the SSs child on an Easter card from DH while I'm trying to disengage from SS and SDIL. It's taken a lot to get me to this point they have hurt me so much. Isn't it best to just let DH interact (btw he doesn't back me up$?
Confused
I appreciate the thoughts but it's confusing that folks here are suggesting I still acknowledge the SSs child on an Easter card from DH while I'm trying to disengage from SS and SDIL. It's taken a lot to get me to this point they have hurt me so much. Isn't it best to just let DH interact (btw he doesn't back me up$?
Disengagment does not
Disengagment does not necessarily mean reasing all contact. DH including your name on an Easter card for GSKids is not necessarily a bad thing. I would not let this minor topic take up so much space in your head.
Kinder, it seems like you don
Kinder, it seems like you don't want to be told something different to what you had in mind as being right.
Sign the card. Its a card...
Disengagement is supposed to release you from stress and anxiety. You pick the easiest, least conflict causing solution often enough because you can't control the rest. Disengaging also can mean stopping things that affect you massively, so if this card and easter is really really important to you, sure don't sign and see how petty you'll have to be to maintain strenuous disengagement.
I hope you find the option that makes you feel a little at ease.
Disengagement should be done
Disengagement should be done with civility, not anger. Seems like you want to show them you are angry and DONE, but it works best if you are polite and pleasant when you have to be, and just say NO to any requests for money or babysitting. Then it's not about punishing them, it's about setting boundaries in a healthy, mature drama-free way.
If you don't want to sign the card, don't. My DH doesn't tell SS gifts are from me, but SS doesn't expect gifts from me.
Decision
First many thanks to the responses and generous time given to support my situation. I've considered all thoughts and I will put my name on SGD Easter card. DH doesn't care as long as he's in their circle he will not ever plead my case. I've done baby shower, elaborate gift, babysitting, gives to their in laws and had BM in my home for 18 years at events all to support Sks. I'm invisible to them. I nearly had a nervous breakdown a few years ago weeping for weeks. I'm 65 no kids of my own. I focus on my sisters family and they are loving and caring. I will sign the card because it's for a 2 year old who hasn't done anything wrong obviously. It may be just a card but it sends a message. As for SS and DIL I won't include myself. DH will continue to give enormous money gifts and beautiful cards. They give him gifts and text pictures, etc. I took SS on vacations all his teen years and helped him in college. I thought there was a connection. So yeah, I'm very done because it's so hurtful but honestly I won't let them turn me into a petty mean person. Thank you so much.
OP, I believe that
OP, I believe that disengagement means different things to different people.
You have to figure out what is best for you.
I would sign the card. But that is me. Maybe you are not interested, that is ok also.
For me it is best to be polite. Being polite does not mean being a doormat either. Nor does it mean babysitting or gift buying. It's just being polite.
Honestly, if dh was going to see them at Easter, I would purchase some cute Easter Cookies and send them with him. ---Your politeness and class can not be taken from you no matter how hard anyone may try...
Thank you
I appreciate your thoughts and I'm going to sign the card for the reasons you mentioned. I'm not turning mean. Yes no more extended myself but I'm agreeing to wishing the baby well.