This man has made it clear that his child is his priority. He has told and shown you that.

You have told him you don't agree. But by staying in the relationship and going along with this foolishness, you showing him that you do agree with it.

If you want things to change, back your words up with action.

...I hate that. That's just a phrase to use to shut a person up when you want things your way. I would just walk because he doesn't have room in his life for anyone else. Even though DH and I are together with our own daughter, no one is more of a "priority" than anyone else. No one gets to veto anyone else's opinion just because something else is a "priority." We discuss and decide, based on all practical and emotional factors, what the best route to go is. (Like say, bedroom--BD is small, does not need a big bedroom, dangerous to have the biggest bedroom because there's a bathroom and there's no way we are willing to risk her falling in the toilet, we're two adults that need more space, so she gets the small bedroom while we get the big one. Practical reasoning.)

Now, onto your questions:
- If he puts his child first, who does he expect me to put first? Him? His child? My friends? Myself?

Ask him. I suppose in this scenario you can choose whatever the heck you want as your priority, since he did.

- Does this mean that my needs will always be less important than hers? We always go on holiday where they want, we live where they want etc.

Yes. This he has clearly told you. It shouldn't be this way since you guys are the adults and she is the child, but that's what this dude wants because he has some twisted idea of how to show love.

- How do you respond to this statement?

I would probably say something like--You're hurting your daughter by catering to everything she wants. The real world doesn't work like that and she's not going to have the coping skills necessary to function and adapt to reality because you can't show her/tell her "no." I would even liken it to child abuse, because you're destroying her ability to grow up into a functioning adult.

And then I'd probably add, so screw you. I'm out. I can't take watching a perfectly good child be screwed up because her dad doesn't know what it means to love her beyond superficially giving her things she asks for.

So much negativity on here. It's hard to generalize. Every family and relationship comes with different circumstances. You have to decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with or compromise on.
How long has DH been separated from BM?
I know a lot of divorced parents feel guilty about separation, for the sake of the children's well being and often tend to overcompensate because of it. His comment about wishing he was still married to BM, as ignorant as it may have come across, was likely just referencing his guilt of the separation, that it would be much easier on the children if they were a whole unit still.
I think that being in a relationship with someone that has a child will require a lot of patience, and understanding that sometimes the child's needs will be more important than your own. This has been a struggle for me as I do not have children of my own, and maybe lack the understanding of a parent/child bond. I definitely have moments where I experience what you are feeling, but have to remind myself that she is a 6 YO kid and is dealing with going back and forth between houses, different rules, possibly sensing resentment between her parents. None of her friends have divorced parents so she probably feels like her life is very unnormal.

When my DH & I first started seeing each other, just casual dating, he used a line similar to that. He said to me that his daughters were his 1st priority, his work was 2nd, and the woman in his life was 3rd.

He actually said that

So, I thought; okay, you have told me the way it is. So be it.

I then went back to dating others, having fun in my life, and DH believe me did not even make the priority list

I was hurt, angry, but I thought that at least he put it in perspective for me and since I was not in to that, I would happily move on and live my life without giving him a second thought.

That's what I did

I went on wonderful dates with other men, partied with my friends, and wrote DH off in my life.

I moved on

Of course, not long after, DH started calling and wanting to get together.

I was always unavailable

He tried harder and harder, and I eventually went on the occasional date, but never really thought about committing to DH in any way

To make a long story longer, eventually DH one day suddenly owned up to the fact that he was very much interested in me, and didn't want just to date casually, there was no other woman he wanted in his life and he cared about me much more than he had been willing to let on

We then entered a committed relationship, but me still holding back remembering his first 'statement' to me about his priorities

And DH getting more and more frustrated that his feelings and intentions seemed to be one-sided.

Finally one day, while out for a nice dinner, DH completely out of the blue admitted to me that I was "front and centre" in his mind, and that he was afraid he loved me 'even more than his children' and he really really wanted to know if it was the same for me

Sooooo, my point in this long rambling story is NOT to let that man dictate to you how it will be, but accomplish this by letting him eat his own words!

If his daughter is his priority, then let it be!

Get on with your life and definitely give your DH a taste of his own medicine. Make sure you have many other priorities other than him, and don't back down.

Don't vacation with your DH and his daughter - let them go on their own - and you go and have the time of YOUR life without them.

If your DH does not change, then it wasn't meant to be and simply move on.

But, if you do really matter to him then hopefully once he sees it works both ways, maybe he'll smarten up and treat you respectfully.

So first off, skimming over everything, a lot of talk about him being a man and controlling by using his daughter as a excuse.
I had first had this issue with my now wife from the get-go. She said, "I'm a mother now (we were together long ago when we were younger)... my daughter comes first". I thought, "That sucks." in my head, but had pined for so long I swallowed it at the time.
Time went on and I saw what "comes first" meant. If she and I had a day off but there was a school play... she was going to the play. At first it was even, if SD wanted ____ for dinner, we'd get ____ for dinner. (keeping in mind SD's taste in food is literally the opposite of mine) The school thing sucked, but I was willing to go along for the most part... the dinner thing, no-go for me. Here is what I did...
I stopped ordering anything at all if it was a place I was settling for. If dinner was at home and it was a meal I hated, I'm 34. I didn't eat it. I'd go run to get a burger. After a few times doing this, my wife said, "Why don't you eat with us?" in a inviting tone. I would answer something to the effect of, "I don't like ____. I thought you knew, since you didn't ask." And BAM! I started getting a vote. The SDs favorite meal is spaghetti, which is literally my least favorite meal ever. I rather drink broth alone as a meal. Back before it was spaghetti every week... now it is maybe once a month or so and the wife is trying new recipes to make everyone happy.
This dinner thing is just one part of it, but I ironed most of this "comes first" crap out in the first year. Some things I understand are important to her or the SD, but other times I think it is 1) guilt driven - from the divorce 2) fear driven - that they won't be the favorite parent 3) habit driven - that they were used to being "just them" before us Steps came along.
Just be honest. I tell my wife when I think she is trying to be a disney parent. I call her on it. If you are calm and polite, they tend to listen.

Secondly... at 6, she has no clue what she wants and there are actual studies that suggest giving a child that much choice that young creates anxiety. Maybe find a article saying that and just reading it in a non-confrontational tone out loud like it almost surprises you will help too. No one ever responds if they are put on the defense. That is the biggest key.

I hear all the time of husbands telling their new wives this, and it is a very stupid move on their part, IMO. Even if that is the way they feel deep down, they need to zip it, keep it to themselves, because statements like that really hurt and only serve to divide the family. I like your analogy of feeling like a queen makes you more likely to treat SD like a princess, might share that with your guy too if you have not already.

I think I knew that my husband was the one when he said to me (in private), "You are the most important thing in my life". As the most important thing in his life, I am well aware that many times we need to put his kids needs as priority. But I am the one who will be here with him for the next 30-40 years, and he was smart enough to know that by making me feel important, he paved the way for smoother sailing with the kids because I never question that I am his number one.

Adults should, and generally do know, that many times in relationships with people that have children, the kids needs trump the adults. They should not have to be told mean things about their "place" in the family to get that point across. I am not sure what advice to give on this one, other than having a chat with him about 1) It is really painful to hear it, even if it is true, and 2) Is it really true or something he is regurgitating because he thinks it makes him sound like a better dad, or he thinks you are not smart enough to make the kid a priority unless he spells it out for you in that obnoxious manner? If it is really true, then maybe he should search for a woman he feels is worthy of the number one position in the home, and you should seek a relationship where you are number one, or at least treated in a respectful manner that makes you feel like you are. He should not settle anything less IMO, and neither should you.

"My partner uses every opportunity he can find to tell me his daughter is his first priority" and he is still your partner why exactly? What is there to think through? Why would you commit yourself to a man who has repeatedly informed you that you are not his priority? :? :jawdrop: :sick:

Kids should never be the first priority for anyone in an equity life partnership/marriage. Ever. Kids will always be the first responsibility but should never take precidence over the marriage and the SO.

People in successful long term relationships don't seem to struggle with this unequivocal fact.

Since he will not ever make you his priority you must make yourself your priority. Move on, find a partner with clarity on this issue and who will never put anything as a priority over you and his relationship with you.

Par for the course seems to be that toxic helicopter Disney parents like your SO will never allow their SO to be the priority over their special golden crotch droppings.

Take care of yourself. This prick won't take care of you.

Wow. This is a great post with great responses! And all of it so true. Your hands are tied if your spouse, either by words or actions, makes it clear that you play second fiddle. My train wreck marriage is a testament to this. Same issue. SD comes first and I heard many times " I will always take her side".
Here is the translation just as food for thought and it relates to the issue of "priorities":
YOU ARE LESS THAN.
I DON"T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.
EVEN IF I DID CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, SD's FEELINGS COME FIRST.
MY FEELINGS, NEEDS AND WANTS AND THOSE OF MY CHILD COME BEFORE YOU AND OUR MARRIAGE.
YOU ARE HERE TO BE USED.
YOU ARE TO SERVE ME AND MY CHILD.
YOU ARE A SUCKER....NOW SUCK MY &*R&
WE WILL USE YOU AS LONG AS YOU LET US.
YOU ARE LUCKY TO BE LOVED. SUCK UP THE REST OF IT.
I think if so many of us that are going through this actually write down these things it might wake us up.

I'm sorry but this type of relationship will never work. These type of men need to just date casually and NOT have a serious partner. When you have a serious partner and/or are married that person has to come first NOT the kids. Kids basic needs only come first otherwise they come after your partner. This is a no brainer for most people, but a lot of these men are guilty over their divorce.

I did not date for many years when my child was young because I wanted to focus on her only and that's what I did. It's not fair to bring a significant other into a scenario where they are not going to be a priority.....

Then your "parter" is no partner at all. You should be the priority for your partner... PERIOD!

The kid should be his top priority but you should be THE only priority.