I am having a bit of a struggle and I think I need a testosterone translation. I really want to communicate effectively with my BF but his anger about this issue wont budge. Back story: long and short we have been together for 3 years he has 6 kids 13-26 and one grandbaby under one year from the first born and I have ....a dog. We clearly understood getting together that I am not MOM materiel and he is UUBER dad to the 6th power. I was very straight up that young kids are not my thing for my very specific selfish reasons that I do not want to spend my life caring for and cleaning up after others of any age, but that training adults is firmly in my wheel house and so older kids dont bother me. He was straight up that he would never expect me to MOM them as they all have very live women in that role already, and that he will always be there for the kids (DUH). He is a wonderful father and all the kids are older and fairly independant so it has been a pretty easy tranzition to moving in together even though we moved very quick and have been cohabitating for 2 years now. He has been so good about most everything relating to the kids I can check nearly all the of the items from "the step parent bill of rights" off as doing great in regards to the kids but tehre is somethign else a foot.

In the last year there has become a huge issue with labor around the house and feeling he is doing EVERYTHING by himself with no help. I won't take any credit away from him he does a ton. Works a full time physical job that starts super early, breaks his ass all day then comes home and makes dinner just in time for the live in kids to get home from school then he is off to bed by 6:30 PM to do it all again. I generally do not see him during the week but for sleepy good bye kisses as he leaves for work at 4 am and sleepy good night kisses as I arrive home at 7-8 from my bankers hours job plus an hour commute. However on the rare occasion I work from home or like Friday or I have to go in on a Saturday I get flak for not taking point on feeding of the kids or not seeing the one specific chore he wants me to see is not done becasue I have had my head in my computer doing my job not inspecting the house. No matter that  the youngest kid in the house is 13 and very competent in the kitchen fully capable of feeding herself on a whim. And never mind that I take care of about 4 things every day before and after work so the house stays clean and that we always have a ton of food at the ready for thaw ing or reheating. He makes it a point to cook fresh nearly every day, and I respect that he wants to do that for the kids, but that is his dad thing not mine. I think it is very much out of site out of mind for many of the chores, like I am sure he does not notice that I am the one keeping the coffee grounds from moulding inside the machine, or that I am constantly skimming the house of the thousand beverage containers that accumulate on every surface. But I bust my butt on the other larger projects including yard work on weekends and I know he sees that but it seems like it is never the "right" thing for me to work on and I am "slacking" around the house becasue I "work so much and I am not making the family a priority". I want to show him respect for the work that he does both in the home and at his job but I feel like I am not reciving that in turn.

Yesterday we had all the kids home, I worked from home and I was on the patio working but taking advantage of the nice weather when they all piled in. A few hours pass and I am still trudging away and the Daughter 25 is playing games on her phone next to me when the younger set start asking whats for dinner. BF goes inside to make tacos and feed the hoard leaving Daughter 25 and I outside where I continue to work on my lap top. He pops out and specifically asks Daughter 25 to go get tortillas as we have none, she reffuses and he turns to me. I remind him that I am still on the clock and that I can not stop until 6pm expecting a more firm reprive on Daughter 25 as she is not preforming any task of value but certainly expects to be fed at dinner. Instead he goes to get the tortillas in a huff and has not spoken to me in 2 days excpet to be little my manager skills becasue I had to go in to cover an employee call out on a Satuday and I should have just told the employee to buck up and do thier job so I could "be here to take care of things with him" and "the company does not know if you are at the store or taking a shit so you have no more excuse to say no than she (Daughter 25) did" but never mind the Daughter 25 sitting right there blatantly stating that she is not doing anything but still will not be going. Guilt by proximity or technology but we both are equally to blame in his eye.

More back Story: I have a suspicion that the anger issue stems from a comment that Daughter 25 made when introducing me to a friend " This is my dad's girlfriend, she is the bread winner" though I have never represeneted us as anything but equal in the house since taking up together. But since then it seems like she and I both are on the "you never do enough to help me list" and the general domestic chores normally assigned the the female gender roll (dinner, cleaning, school related stuff like schedules projects and clubs) are the things that blow him up. I make a tidy sum more than he does and have had none of the drain to that income that dependants bring, I have been financially stable and independant all my life and I have a very good status at my company in a career that brings me enough saticefacton and recognition to serve my ego as well as my pocket book. I dont need him for any financial reason I am actually signifigantly more solvant with out him and the variety of kiddos obviously as there is only me to be responcible for, which is one of a plethora of reasons that I never chose to reproduce. Please understand that he does not need me either to take care of his bio kids like I said he is an amazing father and a very hard working man that was doing it all on his own before we were involved. But he is also a man with a physically debilitating job, he has to break his body for every dollar he earns, as well as earning a lot less of them for his time and trouble than I do with my office and suits and networking events. I want to assert myself firmly because I am an equal in this house, my job is just as important as his to our household and I as a partner and equal deserve his support and respect especially in front of the kids for my work home or at the office. Even if my job is tapping keys and managing humans through lengthly phone calls rather than physical blood and sweat it is hard in a different way but no less work, no less value than his sweat and pain and no less part of what makes our household possible. I do not want to disrespect to his work or his job during the conversation and in comparison it just comes out all wrong when I have tried in the past like I am basing respect on money not on equality which is not what I am trying to communicate. I feel inadequate to this with out my usual corperate buisness languadge, but I can not rely on that becasue he is my partner not my employee. But I hate it when he makes my job seem less impornatant than playing fetch with tortillas, or taking the car to the shop (which is what we had planned to do today), or making dinner for totally competent young adults becasue it feels like he is devaluing me not just my work when he does this and I wory that this is an erly indicator that he does not truly accept the 'not the momma rule" like he said.