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Glad I'm Not Alone

Voodoodoll's picture

I had no idea sites like this existed. I have felt very allianated for so long. I am reading a lot of angry words in others posts but believe it or not, I feel so so much of the same things.

I am the step mother to a 10 year boy. The Bio Mother has lived in another state about 800 miles away until about 3 weeks ago and she has moved "home". She has had ZERO contact with her son since she left 4 years ago. Bio Father (my husband) who has sole custody lives and works in another state about 3 hours away. He comes home on weekends. I am 7 years older than my husband. Step Son has multiple mental problems ADHD, ODD, Habitual Liar, he steals, he is lazy, cares about absolutely nothing. I am an only child and my family has asked me not to come around unless Step Son is not with me. I am at a total loss for what to do. Yes, going into the relationship that this child would be around during the week but gone every other weekend, a month in the summer, and some holidays and I was ok with that though it never happened. Bio Mother left the state because she was wanted by the law and CPS. I have a daughter that is now 23 and I have a grand daughter that I am not allowed to see because of the step son and due to the behavior problems. My entire family has alienated me because of the Step Son. I am retired and I feel like I have no life outside of caring for a child that is not mine nor do I have the help of the Bio Father. I have wanted to leave so so many times but why do I have to sacrifice my marriage because of this 10 year old brat? Why does he get to win? I have told my husband that now that the Bio Mother is back that Step Son IS GOING to her house for the month of June because I simply cannot take it anymore. He has already been in a behavioral hospital once, he needs to stay there as far as I am concerned. Bio Mother is not ordered to pay any CS so all of SS care falls basically upon me. Husband tries to smooth things over when he comes home but when he leaves on Sunday's to go back to where he lives, lately I just lock myself in my bedroom. The fact that the SS breathes the air in the house is just more than I can handle.

Comments

steponmeagain's picture

It's not going to get any better. Only worse as he gets older and aggressive. Sorry, but there is only one option for you.

Voodoodoll's picture

Stepmomagain, I have to say that I am afraid you are exactly correct. His psychiatrist has said the same thing that as hormones increase the aggression wil too. He is medicated and sees a psychiatrist every 30 days again all on me....I've had to call the sheriff, I've slept in my car, provided him with the bare necessities so I don't go to jail, punished by taking every privilege away to now he has nothing. Turns out I am the one that is being punished. Oh, I didn't mention that he binge eats so no treats in the house either....again I am the one that is punished.

Voodoodoll's picture

It all comes down to the fact that I have raised my daughter....now I have a grand daughter. I am at a point in my life that I no longer work and I am ready to move on to the next phase of my life. I want a little freedom. I am now accountable to a 10 year old that is nosey as hell, wants to know what I'v done all day while he was at school, insinuating that I lay around on the couch all day watch soap operas and eat Bon-Bon's. Far from the truth. But if I did want to take myself to lunch and he finds out about it he acts like HE deserves it. Even if I am out doing errands and stop for a cold soda and bring my cup in the house and he see's it in the trash I get the 3rd degree..."I see you went to Sonic today". My husband treats me like a princess and I am so so greatful for him. I can tell in SS face that it really makes him mad that I am treated so well. Take a note kid.....this is how a gentleman treats a lady!

Why am I so resentful? What do you do when you don't want to leave a perfect marriage but you cannot stand the child?

Disneyfan's picture

Well damn, you have an odd idea of how a princess should be treated.

How can you be greatful for a man who is the cause for your family pushing you away?

The kid is a product of his father's piss ass parenting. The man you claim is do great, created that monster he dumped in your lap. He has no clue how to treat a lady. If he did, he wouldn't leave you with his mess to deal with.

Nope, he doesn't know how to treat a woman. What he does know is how to do is to manipulate women he plans to use. Based on what you have written, he's mastered this.

Since getting into this relationship you've lost your family and you'really stuck raising his awful kid. You blame the child for all of this and think the man hung the moon. THIS GUY IS GOOD AT WHAT HE DOES.

bellladonna's picture

Voodoo, I can totally relate to this post. This is probably going to be my life soon. DH and BM are in a custody battle for sociopath9. DH got a copy of the mediator's report, and it recommends that DH gets custody. Per the mediator, 9 out of 10 times the judge will go with the mediator's recommendation. So that means the DH will probably have sociopath9 full time next month. *Sigh*

The problem is DH's job is 100% travel. He is only home every other weekend. I told him there is no way in hell that I will be responsible for that monster. He is just like your SS, he had no empathy, a pathological liar, manipulative, a thief. He called CPS on his own mother 3 times for no reason, other than he was "mad at her". He lied to CPS on BM. Don't get me wrong I hate that cow, but 3 CPS investigations were really detrimental to her livelihood. BM used to operate a daycare. If he did that to his own mother can you imagine what he would do to me? He would probably call the cops on me and try to get me thrown in jail.

I told DH that sociopath9 will have to travel with him until he gets another job. Because I REFUSE to be responsible for him. He asked me what was he supposed to do about school? Not my kid, not my problem. I said my best advice is put him in online school and find a babysitter for him when he's at work.

Is there any money in the budget for a babysitter for your SS? If not, DH needs to get a part time job to cover the cost to care for his brat.

Another trick I learned from my neighbor when it comes to skids is to keep them busy. If his school offers an after care program, put him in it. Or boys and girls club. Camp during the summer, preferably one with before and after care. Drop his a$$ off at 6 am and pick him up at 6pm. Check the YMCA. They usually have pretty good camps at affordable rates. The one in our area has hours 6-6. I would have SS there all day. On the weekend when DH is home totally disengage.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I totally feel your pain.

Voodoodoll's picture

I would love to put him in some type of program but because of the medical mental illness diagnosis I don't have many options because he has displayed so much anger and aggression to others and to animals. Even my 4 month old little Westie. That is what made me call the sheriff. He kicked her across the kitchen 10 minutes being home from the behavioral hospital. I broke at that point. That was what set me into a tail spin.

momjeans's picture

What a horrible situation you have yourself in.

He's 10. It's going to get a whole hell of a lot worse as time goes on. I'd consider an exit plan if I were you.

Your poor daughter. If I were her, I'd be harboring a great deal of resentment. It's unfortunate that you don't view them as a priority over caring for this problem child.

What you do is... Tell your husband to imagine for a hot second that you aren't in the picture. What would he do with his son? Would he come back home, full-time, and find another job to solely raise SS? I'd say that needs to happen irregardless, to relieve you of being his caretaker 24-7, no?

Voodoodoll's picture

Ybarra357,
Yes he is perfect. He didn't dump his parenting responsibilities on me. It was he either moved with his job to keep our home. We had built a brand new home and closed just 18 days prior to him finding out he either looses his job of 15 years or transfers. We decided the transfer was the right decision for us. I'm not here to bash my husband, we lost the oldest sibling of the 10 year old about 5 years ago. My husband had sole custody of him too. He was born with a sever birth defect similar to Cebreal Palsly. He is a wonderful husband. He is at much a loss of what to do with the 10 year old as I am. I am just looking for an outlet and possibly support.

JezabelinHell's picture

You are definitely not alone. I am married to a man who is just now starting to realize how his son is despite LOADS of doctors and therapists reports. Even though a behavior therapist flat out told DH "stop thinking he will just grow out of it, he will grow INTO it and it will just get worse." NOPE. It was everybody else that was wrong. Nothing wrong with little sunshine. Even after being investigated by CPS and the police because of his lies, it was all BM, not SS8 of course. The only thing that opened up my husbands eyes was me finally saying after years of fighting and misery that I wanted a divorce or his son could no longer be around me and my children. It doesn't get better, you just have to put yourself and your children/grandchildren first and disengage.

Voodoodoll's picture

For what it is all worth about my daughter...she has been in a very abusive relationship and was forbidden to see me or contact me until recently and by that I mean a month ago. Now that her ex-husband is gone she and I are together a lot. Things aren't perfect but it is a work in progress. I have missed so much with her, even the birth of my grand daughter. She will be 3 in just a few weeks. My daughter is my only child and her daughter, my grand daughter is an only child. My daughter just graduated college and has her masters degree in Education and she will begin her first job this August. I don't think that my daughter is in anyway asking me to choose between her and my stepson. To the contrary, my daughters degree is with children with special needs so she understands more about the problems with stepson than I do.

twoviewpoints's picture

If you're retired now, why not move the three hours to were your husband can treat you like a 'princess' seven days a week? Dad could also parent his kid before and after work everyday and weekends.

On a weekend occasionally you could get in the vehicle and drive back yourself. See your daughter, grandchild and rest of your family. All SS-less.

If you intend to stay in the marriage, time to start making changes that make the situation tolerable for you. You can eat bonbons and soaps every evening Wink

Voodoodoll's picture

I am a trauma nurse (retired). My father passed away last August and my mom is in declining health. I also care for my 90 year old grand father. I have a very strong locality to my family and they are all here where I am. I cannot up and leave them.

Disneyfan's picture

So move the SS to where his father is. Dad can enroll him in school there and do the daily parenting.

Since you're retired, you can drive there whenever you want.

still learning's picture

"why do I have to sacrifice my marriage because of this 10 year old brat?"

What marriage?

"Why does he get to win?"

Win what? Your DH is barely a husband or a father, hardly a prize worth fighting for. Rarely do I feel sorry for the skids on this board, but this kid has literally been abandoned by both parents. Saying DH has "sole custody" is laughable.

You're being grossly used. Pack your bags and run out the door next time DH bothers to come home.

Voodoodoll's picture

Echo, I am sure that she does want to see him; however, legally she has no visitation due to the fact that she was incarcerated. I did have that come to Jesus meeting with my husband about 2 weeks ago and told him one of us are leaving for awhile, me or the kid. My husband called his ex and told her she will be taking the child for 6 weeks. She was thrilled.

I am going to do some sole searching while he is gone, heck....I'm even taking myself on vacation. Alone. Going on a cruise. Booked an Ocean Suite.

The parenting agreement is typically whatever I say. They don't either one take the initiative to actually have a plan, it results in me loosing my patience with the SS and making threats and ultimatums. I don't understand why it has to be this way but apparently it does.

I am tired of competing wth this kid for a man that isn't even here. How strange is this? Maybe the problem is just me...

Disneyfan's picture

Your husband is the CP. He can't force BM to take the kid for 6 weeks. Just because she was thrilled, doesn't mean she will follow through.

She can change her mind and not show up at the last minute. Or she can pick him up as planned, then drop him off the next day.

Voodoodoll's picture

Part of me feels obligated to my SS. His mother was removed from the home due to drug use and was incarcerated. Bio parents were never married, Bio father has never touched any type of illegal drug. When he found out that she was using, he is the one that called CPS and the sheriff. My SS was only 3 when this happened. I am really the only mom he knows, he calls me mom....I don't want to be another parent that gives up on him.

Maxwell09's picture

I hate to seem ugly but have you considered that the way you feel about being outcasted out of your family's life could possibly be how BM (or her family) might feel has happened to her through her son's life as well? Just some food for thought.

Voodoodoll's picture

Hi DanielleR,

The grandparents won't have anything to do with my SS....nobody will. My husbands job requires 100% travel so it wasn't an option for him to take his son with him. Because of the mental issues with SS, and the stability that I have and that I no longer work, he thought it was best for SS to stay with me so that I can continue with medical care, school, and consistency. I am the only mother this kid has ever really known so from that stand point, this was the best situation for the child.

Voodoodoll's picture

I have demanded this morning that when SS is dropped off this morning that the two parents need to determine a date in the very near future to sit down like adults and PARENTS and come up with a parenting plan between the two of them and that it s time for my husband to stand up to his EX and be a man and stop being so afraid of her and take up for me and my feelings. He said that he will.

As for BioMom bringing him back in a day or so....not going to be anyone to take him until the middle of July. BioDad is leaving tomorrow to go back to word and I have booked myself a vacation for a month. I leave Tuesday and I will not even be in the country so she is going to have to make a way to deal with it all. She has a 6 year old daughter from another relationship so I know that she can...it's more about getting off of her ass and doing it. She has really been given no way out. Dad is leaving and so am I. She moved back home to be close to her son and so she could help take care of him. Careful what you ask for.....you just might get it!

Disneyfan's picture

The BM is the NCP. SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO KEEP HIM THE FULL 6 WEEKS. Has to be able to take him or have a back up plan for when mom THE NCP flakes out.

I can't believe dad is really going dump his kid for 6 weeks on a loser he hasn't had contact with for 4 years. :sick:

Nothing you post about this guy paints him in a good light. This kid would be better off in foster care. At least they would try to place him in a home with parents who are actually interested in parenting. How did that poor kid end up with 2 useless parents?

Disneyfan's picture

By no means do I think OP should cancel her vacation or make any of this her problem.

Just pointing out that dad can't force mom to do anything as far as visitsoon go because she is the NCP.

Both parents sound useless.

Disneyfan's picture

******

moeilijk's picture

You go through all of this and don't want to lose your marriage? To a guy who lets you go through all of this? To a guy who isn't around? You sacrifice your relationship with your own child and grandchild for this guy?

I don't understand at all. Sorry. My gast is flabbered.

Voodoodoll's picture

Hello All,

Yes I am on my month long vacation. Set sail into the Carribean this morning. Weather is beautiful, my stress is gone and now that BF and BM have now HAD to parent THEIR child, they are communicating everyday and THEY are going to come up with a parenting plan that is manageable for everyone (including me) because the child will remain in my care BUT he will go to his mothers every other week or weekend so that I can have time to catch my breath. I can live with this plan as long as it is consistent.

I have spoken with DH a few times since Sunday and he knows that this arrangement has been pure hell on me and he has apologized.
I love him and I know that sacrifices must be made, just not all from me. We have been living this situation with my husband being gone away from home for one year, prior to that he was home every night. BM had been gone almost 5 years prior to returning back "home" last month.

As for my daughter, she and my grand daughter will be flying to one of the Ports of Call and joining me on my vacation for a few days. I have talked to my daughter in great depth about all of this and she assures me that she is not resentful to me, to the contrary, she said that she sees even more my determination to be a good mother and makes her fee reassures that she can too having learned from my example. Remember, that until a month ago I had no contact with my daughter because of the marriage that she was in and the abuse that she endured. I was only reunited with her about 5 weeks ago and that was the first time I ever saw my granddaughter so I feel that in that short amount of time that things are quite well with my daughter.

Vent and listen to others perspectives. I cherish my husband, that is what this is all about. Not destroying our relationship. Granted, the child is more than a challenge on any good day to dea with and I have given my breath and blood to do what is best for him, get him into activities, I'm active in his school, I make sure he has medical care that he needs, and I try to provide the best home for all that I can. At the end of the day I do feel accomplished and some days defeated but I always seem to find the strength to keep going, I do need a break though, everyone does.

For now....I am at peace.
Sleeping with the gentle rocking of the waves tonight......