MIL is going to blow. I can smell the crazy.
Ever meet someone who is trying to be nice as pie when they're asking for something, but the moment you say the words, "No, I'm sorry." or "Unfortunately..." their face suddenly changes like they can't control their rage?
I witnessed it twice this week with my MIL, because we've (DH and I've been backing him up) been saying no to her about having BD during the week (she gets to watch her for an hour and a half Mondays and Saturdays.) I have never seen this kind of reaction on another person's face before. Even BM will fake smile to your face but go into the bathroom and turn psychotic and rip the sink out of the wall because she doesn't want to show it in public.
MIL tried to circumvent DH and talk to me directly, but I kept saying "Talk to DH about it. He's the one responsible." and I just see this enormous anger flicker across her features that she can't even control. Like, Disney style or something. Where all the anger seeps into what was a sweet face seconds ago, wrinkling it in rage beyond recognition.
I have no doubt at this point, like our therapist said, MIL has some sort of NPD or BPD disorder. As long as she's in control, she'll be the sweet, kind, loving, picture perfect MIL who does some things that can be misconstrued as purposely hurtful but she doesn't actually /mean/ it, because who could possibly think sweet old nana actually finds joy in hurting others?
She's going to blow up at this rate and I actually kind of hope she does because oh man, what a great excuse that would be to never have to see her again (after a few choice words on my part, of course). A girl can dream, right?
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It's possible it could be a
It's possible it could be a personality disorder or flat out anger issues.
Is she a "people-pleaser" by any chance? I ask because they generally act out in a similar way. Resentment and anger builds-up when they can't control the desired outcome of a situation or someone else's compliance. They usually go the extra mile with niceness, like depositing IOUs in a relationship, then blow-up if it doesn't go as planned.
Interesting--I always thought
Interesting--I always thought of people pleasers as those who are codependent and do it as a result of wanting everyone to be happy, and that's the intrinsic reward rather than getting anything back.
She acts like she is, but the "depositing IOU's" is what she's very good at. She has no problem asking for favors either, even if it inconveniences others. She acts like she's doing it to help us, but it's not. She wants to watch BD for a during the week, she gives BD no discipline at her house and it takes a good half a day after BD comes back to reprogram her and get rid of some of the disrespectful behaviors she picked up--but she will tell DH not to "interfere with her and BD's relationship" if DH says something. If DH pisses her off, MIL will laugh and think it's cute if BD does something disrespectful to him (like if BD says YUCKY! when DH slobbers a kiss on her--I will always correct BD about that. You don't say yucky to food or to love from your family). So we're putting boundaries in place and MIL is NOT liking that. Our therapist is telling us to remain consistent and strong.
She was trying to up the ante by giving me some money on BIL and his wife's birthday last week, claiming it was for Mother's Day, which I promptly gave to DH (I have no need for her money or her bribery and earn a pretty decent living by myself) and I think she thought it would make me more "pliable." Or something.
People-pleasers are notorious
People-pleasers are notorious for telling people what they think they want to hear, putting themselves out there, rarely ever saying no. When it's not received as they planned/wanted it to be, they act out with passive-aggressiveness, often anger.
It's hard to spot a lot of the time. But, your comment of telling MIL to take up something with DH, and her reaction had me wondering.
Ugh. The car seat issue. I've
Ugh. The car seat issue. I've been there, done that with my MIL and our toddler. When I approached her regarding it, she looked at me like what's the big effing deal and huffed-off because, you know, I should be greatful she was extending herself and her time to be with our daughter. She cannot take constructive criticism at all without feeling attacked. By anyone. Ever. I avoid MIL as much as humanly possible now.
Good for you in maintaining healthy boundaries. I agree. People like this are bat shit scary to deal with.
I hate this car seat issue. I
I hate this car seat issue. I really do. I get the library is three blocks from your house, but come on, my child's life is on the line.
Constructive criticism? We can't even make a REQUEST without her feeling attacked, like, hey MIL, let us show you how to strap BD in turns into "You think I would let anything happen to BD?!?!?! How dare you!"
Just a silly question I
Just a silly question I suppose, but why did you ever leave a car seat with this lady without teaching (and then assuring she knew by having her demonstrate)?
I 'get' she takes offense to 'lessons', but no lesson, no car seat. Pretty simple.
Not a silly question at all.
Not a silly question at all. When we bought it, we showed her how to use it, she showed back to us she knew how to use it, and we thought that was it. You can't UNlearn something, right? Fast forward a few months, we went to a fair with the ILs, and BIL and his wife drove in MIL's car (she doesn't like driving long distances) and for some reason BD wanted to go sit in MIL's car with BIL and his wife. We say OK, MIL takes her and starts trying to strap her in (we're in our car watching), it's taking an awfully long time. Finally, BIL gets out of the car, moves MIL over, grabs BD, and puts her in our car, and I strap her in. We asked what happened, and BIL said, "Mom doesn't know how to use the straps."
All of our wats.
Now, BIL doesn't either since he they don't have kids so he thought it was safest to return BD to our car.
And that's the story about how, on Mother's Day, we found out MIL has been driving with BD over six months without knowing how to strap her in after showing us she did.
UGGGHHH StepAside I feel your
UGGGHHH StepAside I feel your pain. What you described is my MIL to a T. The hair flipping, the hand wringing, the clenching fists. I never noticed it before until I started paying closer attention.
She walked out last Thanksgiving and spent the rest of the time in her room because we (DH, BIL, BIL's wife, and me) were talking about something she thought she had authority in and she felt like we didn't give her enough time to talk about the topic before we moved onto something else. So she walked out and sulked leaving us all at the table like WTF until we just left.
I am going to follow your advice but she is not going to take it well. I'm just waiting for her to cry boohoo me at everyone else and then blow up at us and hey, if we never have to see her again (DH says if she steps out of line and does anything like blow up at us, we're cutting her out) then big deal. No skin off my nose at this point. I don't even know why we let it go on for so long.
Okay, that's definitely on my
Okay, that's definitely on my "To Watch" list. Thank you so much for this resource!
I've seen BM do that! Only
I've seen BM do that! Only once but DH said oh yeah, when she doesn't get her way in public you'll see the anger in her face.
Like you I thought I'd imagined it at first.
In private look out, she'll lose control and rant and rage.
So... undiagnosed mental
So... undiagnosed mental disorder?
I think she's a narcissist
I think she's a narcissist and like all narcissists she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her.
It is ALWAYS someone else fault or problem. She very much wants to control everyone and everything and when she can't that's when she rages.
She is an expert in anything she does. If something doesn't work it's because someone didn't follow her instructions.
If things don't go her way she will get a migraine and have to leave.
She has no real friends, only work people or acquaintances.
The rage incident was because I refused to fight with her. We were at SS's school after a game and in a crowd of people.
I had only just met her and had some papers for a school trip that DH, I and SS were taking with his team.
I gave them to her and she said you shouldn't have these, they should only be given to me. I'm his mother. I said well they were given to me but now you have them.
The rage in her face was crazy and my face must have shown it because she looked around at the people and hissed at me "You take care of your kids and I'll take care of mine!"
I said sure and that was it. I gave her no ammunition and no reason to argue with me.
She walked away and spent the next 10 mins as we waited for SS and DH pacing and talking to herself down the hall. MIL was there and said she's raging mad at you and thinking of all the things she should have said to you.
I said what can she say, I agreed with her!! MIL said that's just the way she is.
I'd be concerned about
I'd be concerned about leaving your daughter with her at all if she's that angry person. My nana seemed like the sweet old lady to everyone and she used to hit me whenever she thought i deserved it. (Sometimes I would be sitting there playing quietly and wham) Please be careful
You just freaked me out. WTF.
You just freaked me out. WTF. Did your parents know?
That's our BM to a T. People
That's our BM to a T. People think she is a nice person and she CAN be a nice person...as long as she gets her way!