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My Own Kid Is A Miniwife--How To Stop?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Sigh. I know it's a phase and we have taken steps to curb it, but seriously, DD1 (3 years old) is starting to do the mini-wife business (to both of us) and I swear to dog if she wasn't my own child, it would drive me up the walls--so I don't know how people with mini-wife skids do it.

If DH tries to hug me, she wants one too.
If we're cuddling in bed, she will insert herself in the middle.
If I give him a kiss, she wants one too.
If he says no about something, she'll come and "tattle" on him.
If I say no about something, she'll go to him and "tattle" on me.

It's like she has a 6th sense or something! She'd be playing by herself in her room and me and DH would go to bed (or we wake upin the morning), and we cuddle each other for a bit--*Knock knock knock* "Mommy? Daddy?" or if the door isn't closed she just comes and climbs between us.

When we're watching TV she tries to sit between us. It's not like she favors one of us over the other, she just constantly has to be in the middle. We've literally taken to squeezing next to each other and not giving her an inch of space but she'll just sit on us (and we put her down or tell her it's rude.) This started after DD2 was born so I'm wondering if it's jealousy. If we're walking, she tries to always be between us holding both of our hands.

Each of us makes sure we do things with her alone, without the baby, but it doesn't seem to be helping. We stop her and tell her why she can't keep doing that because it's rude, and she'll be okay for a bit and then forget. When told no, she doesn't throw a tantrum (never allowed tantrums) but she'll sulk and pout for a bit--we just have her go to her room as her safe space to sulk. I /really/ don't like the pouting and the sulking.

Any ideas on how to stop this behavior? Both DH and I find it tiring as we're both not people who enjoy having our couple quality time interrupted by kids in this way, because it's starting to seem deliberate.

We both adore DD very much but think this isn't healthy behavior.

Edited to Add: I've been trying to Google similar issues but all that's coming up is stepparent or divorced parent stuff where one parent is not aware or giving in,but both DH and I are pretty consistent with stopping the behavior when it happens. Just seems to not be working.

Comments

uofarkchick's picture

I wouldn't call it mini wife behavior. She's trying to find her place right now. The baby is taking up time and space and she wants to make sure there's some left for her.
My son's first words to his new sister was "NO!!!!" when he saw his dad holding her. Just keep giving her boundaries and enforcing the rules. It's a phase and it sounds like you're a good parent.
Keep up with the "pout in your room" rule and maybe set aside even 15 minutes where it's just the two or three of you. Set a timer and when it goes off then she knows it's time for her to go to her own room. Kids thrive with limits. You've got this, mama.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Uh, wow okay I'm going to go get an egg timer--that actually makes a lot of sense. We do activities where it's just the three of us or one on one (I did at least get that far on Googling what to do when the second comes along) but I don't know if it's not enough or something.

Icansorelate's picture

yup at that age, I would make an extra effort to reassure her and include her. She is just a baby herself.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I feel like we already do but it's like it's not enough? She has a mommy daughter day on Sundays with me where DH takes care of the baby and I have DD1 and we go to the store and shop (she loves shopping) and then she has Saturdays with DH where she goes with him and learns martial arts and model airplanes.

She usually helps me prepare all the meals and stuff, and DH and I take turns reading a book to her before bed. It's just a bit exhausting that all of a sudden she wants attention when before she had very little interest in it (she always wanted to do her own thing)--we're including her more now than we ever have when she was younger.

I'm hoping this phase will wear out soon or I'm going to go bonkers. I love my kids but sometimes I just want to go hide in the bathroom.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

The weird thing is she's okay with us holding DD2, actually has very little issue with it and maybe only had one time where she wanted to be picked up when DD2 was being held. But when we try to hold EACHOTHER is when she suddenly needs to insert herself. Literally she could be focused on her coloring book or reading or playing with her tea set or something and the moment DH and I sit close to each other, hold hands, or give each other a kiss, she is like lightning right between us. I was seriously at a loss as to why this should occur and why it should coincide with DD2's birth.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Thank you so much for the advice on the taking turns thing! I would have never thought of it but we're going to try this.

Her room is set up in a way where it's fully baby/kid proof and all her toys/bed/books are on her level so that it's a safe space for time outs etc. so sometimes if I need her out of the way when I'm cleaning the house, I'll also have her go in her room (so she doesn't always associate her room with punishment, but a place where she can just play and relax.)

Our talking in our own bedroom is what usually causes her to wake up (her bedroom is next to ours) but we try to be super quiet and whisper but for some reason she's able to hear us and then she comes running in. It's only before we sleep and after we wake up that we try to spend some couple quality time together so they're always supervised.

I was also always taught to do things without showing unhappiness on my face, because then the person asking you to do it won't appreciate it and it's just in general not going to help when you grow up with office politics--my husband has the issue of letting every emotion cross his face and I always have to say, just because you're upset doesn't mean you have to show it, since it doesn't exactly help when it comes to dealing with confrontations with people you don't like but have to work with. I like your comfort corner idea though and I think I'm going to do that as well.

We all watch TV and go to bed at the same time now--around 8:30-9:00, not sure if I could stay up late if I tried.

moeilijk's picture

Sounds like insecurity. Rather than treating it as rudeness, address the behaviour itself and give lots of reassurance about her place in the family. Still be clear about boundaries.

My DD3 is currently nuts about being a baby, or being the mama... and can get quite intense about it. I finally started to do some reading because it's so important to her. Turns out, it can also be about feeling insecure.

So now, when she talks about it, I acknowledge what she says, "Yes, you're the teeny-tiny little baby." But enforce my own boundaries, "I can't carry you right now, little baby, I'm doing xyz right now. Then when I'm done, I was planning to do some colouring sitting at the table. Do babies like to colour?"

And when she's doing things, I no longer encourage her with, "You can do it! Just try!" or anything like that, now I say, "Just do what you can, and when you can't do anymore, stop. Then I'll help you." It does seem to have helped her set boundaries that fit her better. Like, I know that she can pretty much dress herself (some items with back closures or small buttons, no, but most things). But it was getting to be a battle where I was pushing her to dress herself. Now she asks for help, I say sure but I'm busy so she can just do a bit herself and when she can't do anymore, I can help... and she usually only needs help pulling shirts over her head (seems to really hate that moment when she can't see anything, lol!)

We don't have another kid, but I think in your shoes I'd read her several books about getting a new baby and adjusting, so that it's about another kid (less personal) and it will give her some vocabulary and a starting point for talking about anything specific that she might be feeling as a result.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Interesting... I thought it was a bit on the insecurity stuff but wasn't sure how to reassure without making the behavior worse.

DD went through a phase earlier with wanting to be a baby (when DD2 was a few weeks old) and while I didn't acknowledge it, I would talk to DD1 about how itty bitty DD2 can't do a lot of the fun stuff big girls like DD1 can (eat ice cream, play at the playground, have candy, etc.) and now if we call DD1 a baby she'll be very upset and tell us she is not a baby--and then name all the things babies can't do but she can.

I like your idea of helping until a certain point--I couldn't stop a lot of other people from helping her do stuff I know she can do so it's another issue we have, that weird learned helplessness thing. Like she can pull her pants up after going to the bathroom but she still asks, or if she's coloring and not doing as well as she wants to, she asks for help. I feel like I never asked for help for these things as a kid... I mean, what kid wants their parents to color FOR them? I don't help her but try to encourage her, but she'll just give up and walk off. It's another thing I'm trying to figure out how to deal with.

I recently (hoping that it would help) bought her a book on feelings and naming them. It's a nice book but I don't read it to her as often as I think I should to reinforce it.

moeilijk's picture

I do Quiet Time every day. Had to, DD stopped napping in the daytime at around 18 months (sporadic from 12 months).

You know what, though? You have the most insight into your kid and your situation. Maybe just sit and contemplate a bit. What is this all about? Is she changing or is she trying to get a need filled? Either way, you can help her find a way to do that that is socially/familially (is that word?) appropriate.

I was really struck about the colouring bit you mentioned. I wish I could find the article I'd read that got me on this new path with DD, it had something in there specifically about that. Essentially that kids can feel that they aren't doing something well enough (compared to a parent), so they give up or get overly obsessive about it.

Maybe just getting explicit about your routine will help?

I know in my case, DD needs to be challenged but she needs the comfort of me, so on days that she's with me all day, I include some kind of 'schooling' for her. We interact very closely, either she'll do her colouring etc while sitting on my lap or we'll be talking/role-playing together. I look for activities that we can work on together that help her spiritual and 'academic' development. I do activities that teach about values like courteousness, cleanliness, kindness, thankfulness, I also get her going on learning to write her name, learn the alphabet, counting and basic math, we're doing a map of the living room right now to start learning about symbolic representation (a bit beyond her, but I think she'll master it by the time the Easter Bunny comes to hide a basket for her...) plus regular stuff like play-doh, colouring (books and blank paper), painting, helping me around the house, stickers....

Acratopotes's picture

nothing funny about that, DEigma was very clingy from 3-8, then it stopped....

it's up to you and DH to keep on correcting her and saying NO... if she knocks on the bed room door, do not allow her to come in, say, go back to your room we will fetch your shortly....

Rags's picture

Not unusual for a 3yo IMHO. It sounds to me that generally you and DH are handling it properly. Tell her no, correct the behavior, and go back to cuddling, kissing, sitting together, etc....

Structure some 1:1 tune for yourself and the 3yo, some 1:1 time for your DH and the 3yo, and some 2:1 time for the three of you periodically. Probably during the 1yo's nap time would be good.

Lather, rinse, repeat. She will adjust and adjust quickly if you and DH are entirely consistent.

Good luck.