Freaking out reagrding travel costs (international) after thinking it was settled.
I've gotten some great advice here on my previous posts regarding border crossings and moving so I'm hoping someone may have some helpful insight yet again. For reference SO is custodial parent.
So we made the big move and everyone is thriving. We had BM sign a permission to travel document as well as permission to obtain residency status document (this doc states that these agreements do not change the court custody agreement in any way) and we had her sign and notarize these. As per the custody agreement BM is responsible for 100% travel costs but due to the move we verbally/text agreed to split costs 50/50 for 3 years, she asked if we would sign something but she never had anything drawn up.
BM has not made much contact but has called a few times. A month ago she booked her "summer time", in the custody agreement she gets 6 weeks, she asked for 3 but was very keen to tell us she was in a great place financially (new hubs was footing bill) and she would easily be able to cover her share. A week ago she texted to say that she is moving to another state and it would be too hectic for her to have any visit this summer, her next visit would be thanksgiving, we wished her well and made sure she knew she can call whenever she wanted.
Yesterday she texted saying she has health problems and is now realizing how she won't be able to see child until xmas which would make it one year since her last visit. She went on to say that the cost of travel was way too high and how can she possibly afford to be in childs life at this rate. Both SO and I felt she was strongly hinting she expects us to now cover 100% travel and she would be inclined to take us to court since we were the ones that moved (she moved/left state 6 months before our move).
So.... does she have a case? Her situation when she signed those papers was she was a broke single girl yet she said she understood and agreed, now she is married to a guy with good income so her situation has improved. My SO is going back to school and will be full time student with $0 income (I am working). We have the signed and notarized docs stating she gives us permission for the move and that it doesnt change the agreement (we would honor our verbal agreement to pay 50/50). She is also paying the min $25/month support but is behind.
Sorry if this is all over, we just bought a house and thought we had a solid money plan to make it through his schooling (it is upgrading stuff for better income after) but we cannot afford to cover ALL travel. She has not utilized free tools like Skype and has declined multiple visitation time as laid out in the agreement.
Any advice?
Christmas is far away, and
Christmas is far away, and the reason we agreed to $25 per month Child Support was because she was paying travel, I don't think we should get little support and pay for full travel. I don't want to sound whiny and I know I'm biased but it doesn't seem fair. Also we just found out (after I posted) that she just bought a brand new 2016 car and flew to another state to visit friends and party so I'm even less inclined to feel bad or buy her story.
Honestly I hope she flakes on Christmas because she calls maybe once a month and I don't want to send the kid to visit a stranger. Her parents would disown her though so I just need to prepare myself I guess.
I hear what you are saying
I hear what you are saying about saving the money why not just pay for Christmas but i think that mentality is why we are here now. We wrote off over $2500 she owed us and the only reason she saw him last Christmas is we drove over 12hrs to her so she could have a visit. During that visit she spent two 6 hour days with him then dropped him off at our hotel early each night to go out to the movies and dinner. I feel used and that our effort to help her maintain a relationship is taken advantage of. Obviously you had no way of knowing all that history but YEA, my first reaction is to agree with you and pay but I don't want to enable this behavior for years to come.
I can see why you were upset.
I can see why you were upset. I would be too. I don't think you handled it well. Grabbing him and preventing him from doing it was wrong. But it's rude you weren't asked to be in the pics. My husband has never been asked to take photos with just his ex and the kids. She's remarried too. We have all been in some pics together. My parents are also divorced. There were never pics of just me and the parents except for one at my wedding, but there were tons of my dad and stepmom and us too. I get really sick of this idea that the step parents should just step aside, only be part of the family when it's convenient for them. Don't prevent him from going to the upcoming events but disengage from these kids and see how they like being ignored.
I think this might be for
I think this might be for another thread?
Has she said anything about
Has she said anything about you guys paying 100% for travel?
From what you wrote it look to me like she is bailing on her kid. She doesn't want to play mommy anymore. Or her new husband doesn't want a kid around.
Unless or until she files to change the CS you are in the clear and are 100% responsible for the child.
N\And since the child has lived with you, as long as residency has been established in your new county (state) you can ask the court to release the order to the new state. She would have to file in the state the CO was ordered. The one neither she nor you live.
You could file in your state now for residency so any court action would be local to you. Check with a local attorney to see if this is feasible.
In my county once a parent makes no contact for 6 months the custodial parent can file for abandonment and a step parent can adopt. However, in your case if she stops calling and/or does not arrange a visit (bails on christmas too) then you should file to increase CS
She has not said "you need to
She has not said "you need to pay" but she went on and on about how we moved away (as in further than she did) she said this was her fear when we moved (money for travel) and then went on about how she feels left out of her childs life and said she isn't trying to throw blame but she cannot afford to be in his life and its because of our choice to move (skype is free she just never calls..)
Having said that I just read your response to my SO and asked him for his thoughts and he said you nailed it. He now sees her hints and strong implied msg as her making a million reasons why she shouldnt be judged for bailing and maybe it's not about getting more money from us. He reminded me it's about attention for her, and right now she doesn't want to share it so she is trying to play a victim and get comfort from SO regarding her situation. Thank you for different view and although i would love if we could file for abandonment she would fight that tooth and nail, so would her family, and I know the courts do not strip a parent of rights easily so I think for now it would be a losing battle. We have decided to sit and wait to see what happens next, we don't need her $25/month and have always provided everything (food/med/school/etc).
Here's hoping if she gears up for a fight that we covered our bases with the documents and we certainly have time on our side since within a few months the balance will shift and we will have had primary for over half his life, he's happy nd thriving and I think that will count for a lot in court.