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Ex wife solicitor letters

Bigfra45f's picture

Me and ex wife split up 5 years ago and have since divorced.we stayed friends but I realise this was because I was doing what she wanted. I took my kids to my flat every weekend and extra days when they were off.I didn't want to say no and start rows in case I upset kids.things changed when I got a lump sum of money. Ex and her boyfriend were struggling so I gave them money.ex thanked me.trouble began when I met new girl and we had baby.my kids are. 18 and 16 now so I moved in with new girl 70 miles away and told ex kids can come and visit me in new house some weeks and stay for few days or other weeks ID visit them in their town but couldn't stay.ex wasn't happy that I stood up to her and she contacted solicitor. I got solicitors letters for months but I stood my ground and ex gave up due to kids ages.I havnt spoke to ex since last September as I'm angry she went to solicitor after all I done for her.am I right not speaking to her? If she had of said "kids are older now and you have young baby we can sit down and discuss how often you see them" and then work something out it would have been OK. But no,she has to have it her own way! She has a short memory, I'm angry after me helping her out with a few thousand pounds she could do this to me!frank

Rags's picture

Welcome Frank. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure.

Congratulations on the new baby.

First, telling an X no and not allowing them to interfere in your life and in your relationship with your children is not ... starting a row. Standing up to an X is what should be done. It demonstrates to the kids that you are a confident, assertive, and independent person. Set that example for your kids.

She is your X. She gets no part of your life. She is in the past. You need to give her clarity on this. Since she chose to take the direction of your interface with her in a toxic direction .... sue her and her BF and get your money back. I would.

If she were reasonable then I would advise you to treat her reasonably. Since she chose to be other than reasonable ... the gloves are off and it should be game on. Teach her how you will be treated and do not settle for anything other than respectful and reasonable behavior from the X.

In my opinion of course.

I would not give my cavern crotched skank whore of an adulterous XW the time of day or waste the fluid or energy it would take to piss on her if she were on fire. If she were on fire I would happily be roasting marshmallows. Fortunately I did not corrupt my gene pool by spawning with her.

sundowner's picture

Hi..

Great encouragement, Rags!

Hi Frank..Ask yourself why you divorced the X? And why did you maintain a personal connection to her? Yes, you were a nice guy helping her out..but there was something you were getting from having this emotional connection, as well. Its not a judgment..I just have the idea that the two of you couldnt really sever the bond even tho divorced.

When you "moved on" the unspoken bond was changed and she lashed out to punish you! Good thing you didnt loose more money.Anyway, I think you gained a valuable insight. Your X is abusive and manipulative..and by you standing up to her..KUDOS!

You probably might not know this, but you showed honor and respect to your new wife and baby. That is an amazing REWARD..I ADMIRE you! Your X might have a hard time trying to create chaos in your new life...Horray! You might of nipped it in the bud.

Yes, you are angry because she betrayed your goodness..but honestly you dont want that kind of abusive person around. Focus your emotions on the pride you feel about being a real supportive husband and father by protecting them...maintain a barrier from the insecure X.

Remember this: the more emotional energy you focus on your X..the less presence you have for your new family!Dont betray them.

Nala's picture

Congrats on the baby.

Youre not going to like what i have to say, but honestly, as both a birth mom and a stepmom, I have the opinion that your moving 70 miles away from your older kids, whom it sounds like you've had a lot to do with since the divorce, wouldn't sit well with me either. Why the move? I imagine your older children still need/want you in their life. To them, I imagine this feels like you've chosen your new life over them, as much as you may try to rationalize this to them, and maybe even to yourself. Couldn't you have waited / been inconvenienced until the youngest at least graduated high school? You made a selfish decision, in my opinion.

Bigfra45f's picture

I moved because my new girlfriend was going to have our baby.and my kids are 18 and 16 now.you hardly expected me to stay in a flat 70 miles away from my baby by myself. Yes my moving was hard on my kids,but I had to do what was right for me for a change.my kids were staying with me for nearly 5 years at weekends in my flat.my kids are starting to go out with their friends at weekends, did you expect me to put a hold on my happiness forever?.

Nala's picture

Your gf couldn't move to where you are?

Your kids deserve their dad just as much as your baby. "Happiness" is a feeling, which are fleeting, and shouldn't be your life's guide. You have an obligation to do the right thing for all of your children. I'd be pissed if I was one of your older kids.

Nala's picture

Seriously? The guy bails on his first set of kids, leaving their mom in the position of essentially single parenting these two, and somehow it's her fault that the 18 year old hasn't launched? And shes looked at as being controlling when he unilaterally made the choice to pretty much leave all the day to day parenting up to her now? Wow! Who is controlling whom? It seems to me that instead of bitching about how BM is handling this role involuntarily cast upon her that he should be thanking her for picking up the slack where he has just dropped the day to day rope. Surely Frank must feel that she is more than capable of doing this on her own, or he wouldn't have left (at least I hope he wouldn't). So remind me again what are you bitching about, Frank?

What it comes down to is the first set of kids' opinion about what dad has done - not their mother's, not Frank's, not his girlfriend's, and certainly not ours. I'm just saying that I bet they're pissed and feeling like dad has left them behind, in his "old" life, for the namesake of his "being happy". Entitlement should be checked at the door when one becomes a parent. It's no longer only about YOU.

And I get that a new mother shouldn't have to go at it alone. I just haven't heard a valid reason for why she couldn't settle into life where this poster and his older kids lived, if only for a couple of years - geeeeeeze. It's not as if she didn't know he had kids that he had an obligation to. And I don't mean move into your small flat, but a new place that could have worked for all of you and baby. She must be much younger than Frank, but I hope old enough to have a red flag go off with the knowledge that her boyfriend is ok with exiting his first set of kids day to day lives in pursuit of happy. Ridiculous.

I don't believe you thought this out well enough and are going to have some damage to repair. Sad.

twoviewpoints's picture

I guess I don't understand why you can't go pick-up your teens and have visits in your new home.

It's 70 miles, not 700. You, your wife and baby could drive the 70 miles on a Saturday and take the teens to lunch. If you want these teens in your 'new' life there are ways to do so. It doesn't have to be this big 'teens or baby' choice.

still learning's picture

That's a little over an hour depending on traffic, not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Sounds like the ex and possibly your kids are jealous. All I can say is to protect your gf and baby from their negativity. Unfortunately this scenario is all too common in divorce/custody situations.

ESMOD's picture

I was commuting 2 hours each way for a while.. and had been commuting over an hour before that. Now my commute is only about 20 minutes or less (yay!!!).

As far as the OP situation though, I think that the X issue is that it appears he is drastically reducing the amount of time he will be spending with his older kids. To be honest, I don't think that a natural reduction in visitation with teens is all that unusual as they pick up social and other activity obligations as they get older and become more independent human beings. I think that the issue comes in where OP is appearing to be the one who is limiting the visits on his end. This distance isn't insurmountable. Can the kids get there on their own (car/public transportation?)? If not, can he go pick them up on his old (or close to it) schedule. Yes, it's inconvenient but if his older children still need and want more contact it is not their fault that dad moved further away.

On the face of it, it could appear to the kids that they are being ditched for the "new family". This will not bode well for future blending of the family. The older kids will be very reluctant to accept the new girl and her baby. OP probably needs to bend over backwards to make sure that his kids see as much of them as possible so that they understand that they are equally loved and valued.

So, OP, it's fine you moved but you are probably going to need to make an effort to have the kids at close to your old schedule.

Bigfra45f's picture

The ex was demanding I stay in her house 4 days to a week to look after my 18,16 year old kids and her dog,so ex and her boyfriend and their new baby could go away on holiday. I said I couldn't as I had new baby,ex said to me to bring my baby for this amount of days!