DH with no biological children
My husband of 15 years is an only child. He does not have any biological children of his own. I have 2 adult children, both married, and a total of 5 grandchildren. Neither of my children were married when my husband and I first got married but both children were married within two years of the time he and I got married. He has no real relationship to speak of, with either of my children or their spouses. He does not attempt to have conversations with them even though both my son and daughter are constantly attempting to have purposeful conversations with him. However, after 15 years, they are really tired of trying when he makes no attempt himself to build a relationship with them. Even when we are all together, it is like it is all of us being a family and he is acting like he is a visitor. We are always trying to pull him in but it is like he just prefers not to participate with us. I will say that he is not a very social person and I do have a large and very social and loving family that everyone loves. I need to know what I can do better to foster these relationships because apparently in fifteen years I have not been able to help this situation on my own. It is affecting my relationships because the kids do not feel like he wants a relationship with them so they are starting to spend less and less time at our house.
Just STOP that nonsense now.
Just STOP that nonsense now. These are adults - not children. Yes they are your "children" but they are just NOTHING to him. You need to accept that.
I married my DH when his two sons were adults. One in his 20s and the other in his 30s. The older one is now deceased.
I have ZERO interest in having a relationship with his son nor did I have any interest in having a relationship with the elder son when he was alive.
If your children don't want to come to your home because your DH doesn't love them to death well just see them elsewhere. You are lucky if your DH has not banned them from your home (like I've pretty much done with DH's son).
Why do you think that your DH should want to have a relationship with your children? Because they are yours? Not good enough. Some people develop a relationship over time, but after 15 years it's pretty obvious that your DH does not care to do that.
It's probably not personal.
It's probably not personal. You need to let go of a Brady dad dream. I'm an introvert too large family group make me less than comfortable
I don't think it is personal.
I don't think it is personal. I really believe that he just does not know how. Only child, only grandchild.... I don't think he ever learned how to be in a situation where you do things with and because you are family.
And notasm3, because it is not his home but OUR home, that would never happen. I do not believe that he doesn't love them - because they are my children. They are not nothing to him. He just does not know how to have a relationship with them.
I gotta call bullshit on the
I gotta call bullshit on the tide of perspective that you need to let this go. That is crap.... IMHO.
IMHO your husband is failing to deliver on an element of his responsibilities as your equity life partner. Don't get me wrong. There is no need for him to gush and fawn over your children and GKs but he should be polite, pleasant, and actively engaging with all of them when you are all together. You should accept and tolerate nothing less from him.
I am the olderst of 3 boys (the baby died when I was 8 and he was 9mos old) My brother and I are extremely close, always have been, always will be. However, he does not interface much at all because his bride is threatened by the closeness of our family. I struggled for years to get him to get his wife in line and to participate as he has historically participated but even I ran out of steam after a decade+ of that crap. I have adopted the "let me know when you want to get together and if I am available I will be there. Anytime, anywhere." approach with him. Even that has grown tiresome. I/we have visited he and his family many times, he has never reciprocated. I get tight jawed and distant for a while over this then get to a point to where I know that if I am going to see my brother and niece and nephews I am going to have to be the one to make the effort. So I do.
A spouse is something else entirely. Each has a duty to be an active and positive participant in the extended family of the other. If only one partner has extended family... oh well. The other owes a duty to the other to step up and participate.
Case in point. I have absolutely nothing in common with my ILs. Zip, Nada, Zilch... other than being married to their daughter/sib/granddaughter/niece/aunt/cousin. Even my bride has nearly nothing in common with her family and actively says so. However, she enjoys seeing them and I participate in that because it makes her happy. She visits them a few times a year and I make sure to be there for the major visits and if possible once a year. There have been times when I have gone more than a year between visits due to international assignements, etc... but I do make an effort and a point to engage with them. We have flown them all out to visit us a few times over the years but that ended a number of years ago when they decided they would no longer travel to us because it was a PITA. Something about challenges with weather every time they have traveled to visit us. Their usual redneck drama bullshit but... it is what it is.
My wife loves the time we spend with my family. She comments regularly about how my parents are more her parents than her own parents. She is an extremely integral and core member of the Rags clan and she makes the family name even better. I cannot deny her a relationship with her own family and I owe her at least a concerted effort to participate.
There is no fixed interface or participation standard but the test of reasonableness applies. The smell test if you will. Obviously DH is not passing the smell test of adequate interface with your family. He should step up and YOU should give him clarity on this.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I think you nailed it
I think you nailed it yourself in saying that 'he doesn't know how.' He doesn't come from a big family and the dynamics aren't what he's accustomed to. True, it has been 15 years, so I would think he is, at the very least, 'set in his ways.' Worst case scenario, he just doesn't want to participate since they aren't related to him specifically.
It's also true that he isn't going to feel the same way about your kids as you do since they aren't his. How does he interact with you? Reserved? Quiet? Invisible?
Maybe instead of pushing him in to group gatherings, some one on one time would be better? Find something that your DH really likes to do, and ask your DS if he'd be interested in trying to go along with DH. Don't push, just suggest, lol.
I think AlreadyGone is on to
I think AlreadyGone is on to something, or perhaps you guys can still gather for family activities and simply let him make other plans while you are together. Some people just aren't family oriented and since he doesn't have his own children it would make me think that perhaps he really doesn't want to spend his time around yours.
So you married an introvert,
So you married an introvert, and now you want to change him to be social. Typical, stereotypical, conniving female!
Please stop. You're giving all of us women a bad name.
Nonna, I have to say it would
Nonna, I have to say it would be interesting to hear your DH's honest perspective of this situation. It may surprise you at what he really feels.
He may be feeling all of the examples others have cited above. Or, he may honestly just not like your kids very much as people but he certainly can't tell you that. After all, you seem to assume that he should "love" them because they "are your children" but that is not a reasonable assumption. You have a parent's ability to see your own kids through rose-colored glasses, but other people, including your DH, don't.
You also assume that because you all try to bring him in to conversatio and he resists, that he is somehow at fault. What are you all discussing when you try to include him? Is it all your/kids family stuff? Maybe he isn't interested. And other than trying to bring him into YOUR family conversations, have you all done anything to show specific interest in HIM? Is it all one-sided - meaning, he needs to become part of your tribe? That may be how he is feeling.
FWIW, I do not have a large family and do not have biological kids either. After more than ten years, I have disengaged from my SO's adult kids. Part of the reason is I just don't like them as people, and part of the reason (especially for SD) is that every conversation is about her - how much she is loved at work, how her friends think she is so wonderful, what BM is up to (like I give a damn), and about all her extended family, etc. She can selfishly rattle on non-stop about herself but I'm not interested in engaging any more. She never, ever asked me - not ONCE in over ten years - what was new in my life. She has never asked anything about me at all. She's met my siblings before (who have hosted her for dinner) but never once asked how they were doing, either.
I have disengaged from SD and will continue to do so. When I do see her, I am always polite and will make some initial small-talk, but after that I'm really not interested in anything about her nor what she has to say. My SO can spend all the time he wants with her and worship every word that comes out his Princess Daughter's mouth, but all I want at this point is to be kept out of it.
I disengaged silently and slowly, without saying a word, because I know saying outright that I don't like his kids and don't want to be around them, would not endear me to my SO.
Your DH may very well feel the same.