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I have become something I am not..

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Lately my spouse and I have fought consistently regarding biological children and none. I have let my feelings completely over whelm me and I feel frustrated, jealous and so insanely emotional that I do not even know who I am anymore. I realized a few weeks ago, I may need professional counseling to help deal with these issues and emotions I am going through. I often wonder how many other women feel this way, good. kind. women.
My spouse and I have been together 5 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, that did not end very well and was very hard on my children and myself. My children are 9 and 7. However my children's father is still actively in our children's life ad tries to help out whenever possible and I am great full for this. My spouse has been a solid, stable man in their life. My children absolutely love my spouse and recently even asked him if they could call him dad. However my spouse had been reunited with his 12 year old son about 10 months ago. The son's mother contacted him by finding him through facebook, and basically said ' hey want to meet your son and have a relationship with him?". My spouse was stunned, but also very excited. They met the following day, and ever since that day our entire lives have changed and even though his life has changed for the better, mine and my children's have completely turned around Sad
History- According to the information I know, My spouse was young when he got together with this women and it was a short fling with no strings attach and she became pregnant and they both agreed on terminating the pregnancy, she contacted him 2 years later (she moved away had the son, and came back) she also wanted to start a relationship with my spouse however my spouse did not want to be with her but told her he would help her but he had no intentions on marrying her (in fact he had a gf at the time that became a serious thing) the bio mom was obviously hurt, and expected more. He had said she was extremely angry, lashed out tried to cause problems between the gf and him and once she was not getting anywhere she moved away after a year and did not tell him, or would not let him have contact with their son as she claimed he was an unfit father.He paid his child support each month. That was never enough either. He never said exactly why he never went to court to fight when the son was younger. Shortly after she met her husband, he became father of the son, by this time he is almost 4 years old and both adults would not let any contact between my spouse and his bio son. When my spouse and I first started dating he showed me some of the emails between them, and I got the impression it was more of a power control from the husband and the mom was doing a lot of blaming. My spouse seeked lawyer advice. I think he always knew his son would come in his life when he was older and the mother had no say. The mother and her husband separated 3 months before she contacted my spouse for help. She needed my spouse to help now. It has become an overly bearing conflict on our relationship. The bio mother was calling all the time for the first few months, about everything. One day she would be super nice to him, kind, friendly, talkative, understanding, and the next time she would be complaining over anything and everything (at one point she did not want me or my kids around her son when he was over visiting) asking for my spouse to pay for everything from child support (400$ a month) to 3 summer camps, sports, clothes, new shoes randomly, dentist bills, hot lunches, snow gear, video game consoles, money for weekend trips. It is a constant struggle between us, financially of course. I do not ask my spouse to pay for my children. I receive child support from my ex husband. However the biological mom thinks my spouse pays for things for my kids and told him he should not be paying for my children because they are not his kids she told him to focus on his own son. I was very offended, and upset about this, as I felt it was none of her business the arrangements my spouse and I make in our home with MY kids. She also did not want my kids around when her son was visiting as she claimed he needs to spend time with his son only she thinks and feels HER son only deserves my spouses love, support, and attention. One time we planned a camping trip with the family, and I invited my nephews for the weekend to spend camping with us. She made a huge deal out of that, and said her son was not going that my spouse should be taking his son by himself and questioned his priorities.We still went on our camping trip as a "family" thankfully. I feel I am slowly being replaced.. I feel jealous of my spouses biological son as they actually share a special natural bond that is glowing now. I feel I am sometimes being pushed to the back burner, and we have talked about our feelings and I feel I am making things more difficult with my insecurities that I am feeling . His parents are very supportive of him and his biological son, they are thrilled as well to have another grand child in their large family. I have fear on how it will effect my kids later on life, if they will notice anything. If my spouse and I do something together one weekend, his family is questioning why his son is not with us doing something, and if we do something with my kids one day, without his son, then my spouse is shamed and feels guilty from the feedback, they think his son has to be with us every weekend and on every family plans we do even if it something spontaneous in the moment.My spouse is feeling A LOT OF pressure from everyone close in his life, from his girlfriend, his mom, his siblings, his son and his sons mom.

For my spouse, having a biological son, something that is his own flesh and blood means a lot to him. He has been solely focused on making his son take after him. He loves sports, his son never played a lot of sports (his mom could not afford it) but as of last fall he started baseball (my spouse is a great ball player) anything that my spouse wants to see him do he puts his son in it. He has done a lot to make sure he has everything he needs. The mother is always calling regarding money for something the son needs, from dentist appointments, to school clothes, to hot lunches, to new shoes, to summer camps, a new bike, My spouse has been so thrilled and excited to actually have a son he can call his own now, that I also often wonder if he ever will ever want another child. This is something we talked about for the past 2 years was, having a baby. This idea is on hold at the moment. I have been more frustrated and angry about this that my emotions run wild. My spouse now wants his biological son to come and live with us in the near future. I felt very angry about this and I told him I did not want this to happen right now, or anytime soon that it was WAY to early. my spouse says his son told him he wants to live with him, and I find it really really hard to completely believe as the son is very close to his mom. He tells her EVERYTHING, even small lies when he goes home, and she gives him everything he wants at their house. My spouse even noted he finds his son "spoiled". I find it all to soon, but of course my spouse and his family think it is a GREAT idea. I feel overwhelmed that all my mixed emotions come out of me from all over. I cannot help it. I secretly cry because I am so worried.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I will not be getting pregnant secretly. Babies don't make relationships better however, his own mother did tell him if he has a child of his own from birth and raises that child himself that he can teach that child everything from a young age. I think he knows his 12 year old son is not what he fully expected but of course still loves him for him.

Rags's picture

Barf! Barf! Barf!

Your DH is a Fricking idiot. As for him being thrilled and all about his son.... B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.... If he gave a flying frick about his spawn he would not have allowed his toxic skank whore of an XGF to kidnap and hold his child hostage for 12 years while doing next to nothing about it. Do not become the idiot that your DH obviously is by continuing to tolerate this crap.

That he tolerates BM and has invited her to have a significant influence in YOUR life is the last nail in DH's character coffin IMHO. That he does not smack the piss out of her (figuratively of course) every time she tries to guilt him with her "focus on your kid" crap after she kidnapped, held the kid hostage, and extorted money out of your DH for more than a decade tells me all about the ball-less wonder you married.

Time to put a foot up DH's ass and let him know he either gets reasonable over this or he gets gone. Own his ass. Take him for everything you possibly can and get your own children away from this frickin idiot and his complete lack of character. He does not give a crap about his kid. His kid is nothing but a shiny new toy and an excuse to abandon you and your marriage.

Time to give DH clarity and bring the pain. Make his life one of abject misery until he either gains clarity or he is long gone.

Whatever you do please do not pollute your own gene pool by spawning with this asshole.

Do yourself a favor and build your exit plan. Work the plan. Put this POS and his ball-less characterless drama in your rear view mirror and get your kids away from this toxic cesspool drama.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Actually I had the same thoughts ten months ago and told him something along the same lines as this. He was very offended. I was not polite about it which I am usually a very kind person and often try to think of others feelings. However I did not think of his feelings. He proceeded to tell me He did go to court when the child was young. His parents also went for access order. They got one weekend out of the month except bio mom moved with husband to next province. Did. It follow through and the courts did little to imply it. Made it difficult and it went back and forth in court but the judge felt the mother had more of a right. Since husband and her had their own kids together too and husband was supporting the family and they moved because of his job.also the fact he did not know his son existed for two years did not help matters, he had to also pay back pay in those two years in child support payments. Which took about a year in a half to get caught up. From my knowledge.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Actually I had the same thoughts ten months ago and told him something along the same lines as this. He was very offended. I was not polite about it which I am usually a very kind person and often try to think of others feelings. However I did not think of his feelings. He proceeded to tell me He did go to court when the child was young. His parents also went for access order. They got one weekend out of the month except bio mom moved with husband to next province. Did. It follow through and the courts did little to imply it. Made it difficult and it went back and forth in court but the judge felt the mother had more of a right. Since husband and her had their own kids together too and husband was supporting the family and they moved because of his job.also the fact he did not know his son existed for two years did not help matters, he had to also pay back pay in those two years in child support payments. Which took about a year in a half to get caught up. From my knowledge.

LikeMinded's picture

I agree with Rags, but something about your tone tells me you're not at the leaving stage yet. Especially if you're still considering having a baby.

Please do not have a child before this is sorted out.

I agree with you that some counseling would do you some good. I got some counseling before my divorce and it was the best money ever spent. Be careful though, some counselors are complete morons. Try to figure that out quickly. Test the counselor with questions in order to size him/her up before proceeding.

Counseling helped me sort out what was normal and what wasn't. Emotions can play tricks on you and love can certainly cloud your judgement.

This kid is not going anywhere. In fact, BM sounds like a loooooser, therefore that kid might end up living with you full time with psycho momma calling the shots.

The first thing that needs to happen is a CO that describes a custody schedule. Next is a CS hearing so that the amount spent gets a cap on it.

But this is the beginning of a long nightmare for you. Your inlaws will always favor this kid, even if you have one with DH because this one needs to be pitied becasuse of his rough start in life. The kid is going to have some of BMs traits, which is going to be hard to live with. BM is never going to leave you two alone.

You're going to enter a tug o war that lasts years. Why do this to yourself and your poor kids?

If I were you, I'd be stock piling money in a safety deposit box and making my exit plan.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Thank you I have thought of all of this. I have even questioned staying. I have actually told my spouse if his son comes to live with us, me and my children will be finding a new place to live. I explained that I am just not ready for extra responsibility and I did explain that I am not willing to put up with birth mom and her tricks along with his sons issues he will have from all of this. Birth. I'm has backed off quite a bit since he has told her politely to back off. however, my spouse thinks I am very selfish and rude, disrespectful for even saying such a thing. He was very upset and Still is. His parents do not think it is right that I just walk out and leave because his son is in his life now, after I was aware of how much they all fought to have access, and court, money to lawyers, I just look like a complete selfish bitch.

Disneyfan's picture

The dad messed up before by not fighting BM and her husband. Fortunately, he had been given a second chance to make things right. He did the very thing many SMs say their husbands do when BMs make things difficult. He backed off. Mom was a bitch for keeping the kid away. However, I find it interesting that she didn't poison the kid against his dad.

Your kids are stepkids. They have a father. Your husband doesn't have to play daddy to them. As long as the two of you are still going on dates, couples vacations...then he isn't doing anything wrong.

He may decide he longer wants to do family stuff with your kids when son isn't there and that is perfectly fine because your kids are his stepkids. Many SMs here have said that their feelings/involvement with their SKs changed once the had bios of their own. Most SMs are not willing to do family stuff with their stepkids when their bios are away.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

i think she did tell the son lots of things. St least the husband did. He was emotional,y abusive. At first he was not wanting to come over to sleep over so my spouse just spent the day with him, I think this had a lot to do with bio mom as she didn't want him there when my kids were there and my spouse told her that my kids are apart of the family and are not going anywhere. she was really upset and even told him ' your son should come first aLways' and my spouse said that was not the case. My spouse ALSO has two step children from a previous relationship. Very confusing I know. The women he had a serious relationship with for about 6years before him and I got togeer and she had twins that were around 6 or 7 at that time. He helped raise them. There father was not in the picture. When bio mom came back with 2 year old son and said 'here you go this is your kid" he was already with his gf and her kids. It was a big shock to them to. They were together for almost two years. This was brought up in the courts. Bio mom did not want her son around his previous ex gf kids either. She is a really nice women too, I get along with her great. There is respect there. There relationship mutually ended after she wanted to be with another guy but my spouse and his ex gf are polite and respectful to each other. The mother was always making comments to my spouse through text messages or even on the phone of how he was a lousy father, and one day he just told her that she is the one who took off and wouldn't let him see his son. She blamed it all on her ex husband and apologized. She said she would never let it happen again even if her husband and her worked things out. However my spouse takes care of his step son. He is 18 years old now. He lived with my spouse before we moved in together almost three years ago. So I accepted his..step.son. Which is weird but he is a nice kid just had a special bond with my spouse and did not want to live with his mom and her new bf . I wouldn't go as far as to say I love the kid, there is times I wish he would move out now that he is nearing 19 and finished school and all his friends roommate but this doesn't look to happen anytime soon. That's is another story .

LikeMinded's picture

Yep, I agree.

Especially with demanding that DH reduce contact with BM. There is no need for all this contact, block the phone, take it to email. Better yet, take it to one of those online divorce communication apps.

It took 2 years for me to get this part down and BM still tries to feret her way back in.

LikeMinded's picture

"Seek therapy if your husband establishing a real relationship with his son disturbs you so much. It most certainly should not."

Unless BM is inserting herself into your life. Then yes, you have every right to be disturbed.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Thank you to everyone for the feedback, advice, listening to myself venting about my feelings and emotions, and also the suggestions. I didn't know this group existed but I am glad there is a support group even if it is on the Internet as there is not anything in town. I feel relationships are difficult and not always going to work out how you want them. I also am aware I have children and myself to think about. I know the kind of person I really am, I know that despite my frustration wild emotions and irrational thinking temporarily puts me in a tight spot I know that I need to work on myself to get the real me back. Seven years ago I took into children I knew that were foster children and I had them come live with me. Both children had a lot of issues as you can imagine. The mother was not stable and ministry removed her children. I became an important person in their life, my ex hubpsband was a father image and they began to call me mom by choice. I filed for adoption. The birth mother came back into their lives shortly after my ex husband left . I took care of them on my own and loved them as my own children, we had a close bond that I still believe even to this day won't ever be able to be broken. The biological mom applied to the courts for supervised access, then weekly access, and there was not much I could do about it but prepare them to go back to bio mom. It was very difficult and hard. soon after a judge thought the mother was successful in showing the courts she was ready to be a parent again and the children went back into the he custody. I did not like it but I supported it because I needed to be strong for the kids involved. There was a court access that the ministry applied to the judge that I would be able to have regular visitation with the children. The biological mother agreed but she did not follow through. I tried to reason with her, but it was always an excuse why the kids could not come to visit or sleep over. I had to see them on her terms. Meet at the park and she had to be around, I could not have alone time with them ever. They still proceeded to call me mom, which angered her even more and led to ourbursts at me in front of the children. There was nothing I could do, the ministry was no longer involved. I would have to apply to the courts myself for a better access order which costed money to get a lawyer. I was a single mother already. My spouse and I were not living together yet just dating. The biological mother made it difficul and I understood her reasons, she did not want her kids to rely on me anymore and she did not want me involved thinking I would take them from her or something or her kids would choose to live with me once the eldest turned 12. Which did end up wanting to happen. I did not see them for a year. She kept them away or in very far distance. I felt like a father trying to gain access to his kids.