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advice on kid brother, and friend

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I haven't been on here since last year when my spouses step son (20) lived with us. My spouse had a long term previous relationship before ours and the women had two children (5 and 6) who he helped raise. The ex girlfriend moved to another town for work and her son did not want to go therefore he resided with us since May 2014. Last year we had discussed it was time for him to move out due to the fact he was becoming very lazy around our home, not helping with anything, barely working, he did pay a small monthly rent to us but it covered everything such as meals and laundry and he was not doing things my spouses was asking him to do. Myu spouses step son moved out August 2017. We gave him 6 months notice. Step son waited last minute to find a place, else he would of had to go move to his moms or in with his grandma.

NOW..My kid brother (age 19) has moved in with us :? . Our mom is very unreliable, unstable and has a alcohol addiction. I chose to live my maternal grandparents at age 12 while my brother resided back and forth with my mother and our grandparents. He was living with my grandparents for the past few years at it was stability and security for him, however my grandparents had to sell their home last July (2017). It was not entirely planned, but due to some hardship it must been done. My grandparents now live in a one bedroom smaller home that suits them better with their physical health. My brother will sleep on their couch when things are rough at home. He asked me if he could stay with me until he finds a better job that can pay for rent, and also find an affordable place.
My brother has been helpful around the home, even with my younger children. I have helped him with his resemes, drove him to hand them out, and have shown him how to do a few things around the home. He told me a few weeks ago that he feels alot better living my spouse and I because it is a more secure environment. My spouse and I don't have any addictions, we rarely fight, and we both take care our home and families and he feels alot more comfortable here. He has asked to rent here for awhile since our city rental market is extremely high ( 1200$ for a one bedroom basement suit, or apartment) and he doesn't have any friends to move with. I have agreed he can stay, and he has found a full time job that pays 16$ doing labour work.

Here is where I went wrong...
My kid brothers friend (20) has been sleeping in my brothers truck outside of our yard. My brother said he did not want to tell me or bring him inside because he was scared I would be upset with my brother. I told him to bring the boy inside to warm up ( it is freezing cold with snow outside) and to have a hot meal. Now the friend has been staying here pretty much on our downstairs couch for a month in a half. The friend asked if he could stay here for a bit, and I told him for the time being. He paid $300 to me at the end of January, and that was appreciated but now he has completely made himself at home. My brother has talked to him about options and such, but the friend works two part time jobs therefore he doesn't get home until 1:00 am as one of the job is in a restaurant and he works until close. I am going to be telling the friend he needs to find another place to stay. I will offer help to find him something such as someone who is renting a room. I just feel a bit awkward, and maybe guilty as this friend has no where to go. On top of that the friend has alot of issues such as responsibility issues, he has no sense of time, he is highly dependable on my brother constantly, and was beginning to be dependent on me ( asking for rides to work, back from work, ect) it was becoming a hassle that I had to tell him I could not drive him anywhere, he needed to catch the bus and ON TIME. It has been a headache for the past few weeks, honestly. He does not clean up after himself, my rec room is a disaster and my brother is even complaining of cleaning up after his friend. He has talked to him about it, but the friend does not seem to care . Actually the friend seems to be more.. not understanding? I think he has some issues around mental awareness. He did say he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a child. His parents are considered good people, but from what I heard was they got tired of his crap at home and asked him to leave. It is march 2nd and he still has not paid any money for staying here ( $300) and he continues to be very sneaky about it. Not explaining why. My brother has told him, and I have not seen him yet to discuss it but honestly I feel very uncomfortable because I know he does not have the money. My brother assumes he has spent all his money on pointless things because he does have two jobs and goes out and spends on random things that he does not need.
I am wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation as this? How should I handle this situation with keeping in mind that I am a kind person. I also work with homeless women as a social worker, and I know what our homeless shelters are like here. The kid will be terrified as it is mainly people struggling with addictions which he does not seem to be struggling with. I also don't know what this friends temper is like, such as if he becomes angry easily ( I have a feeling he does).

Rags's picture

The first thing that is disturbing about this is that you keep saying "I" and not "we" regarding your brother and his deadbeat friend moving in. Where is your DH in all of this? Did he have a say? If so... what did he have to say about it? If not... why would he tolerate not having a say?

And.. why would you repeat the same issue you just had with your SS? Same story, different characters but... the same story none the less.

We learned this lesson ourselves. My SIL graduated from HS a year early due to her state changing the graduation requirements in order to reduce education costs. We highly recommended that my ILs not sign the early graduation papers but... as usual they never listen.

So, we offered for SIL to move in with us, we would pay for college, provide her with a car, and she would be a full member of our family... in return she would keep the lawn, clean the house and be home every afternoon when the Skid got home from school since we redirected our budget for lawn care, house keeping and child care to help pay for her college.

That plan worked for.... about a day. She did end up being with us for a year. She did well in college... though only because my bride and I would not allow her to turn in crap work or skip class. To this day she complains to my bride's family about how mean we were and how she hated living with us. Though the only time in her life she has lived anywhere but a nasty shithole was while living with us where she had her own suite, car, etc....

We had to ride her ass to deliver on her agreed upon household duties. Though we hoped to save her from the curse of small town SpermLand life .... we failed miserably and she left after a year when she turned 18 and moved back to the shithole she came from and love of her life where she spawned out of wedlock children and due to her decent GPA while living with us got into a local university where she ran up $80K in school loans on a degree she never completed and now whines incessantly about how mean the IRS is for not giving them their tax return every year and how mean the university is for not giving her he degree. Never mind the dozen or so classes she failed and never retook.

I truly hope your brother can stay the course to a good life. My SIL sure couldn't.

As for the brother's friend... boot his ass... .TODAY!

marblefawn's picture

Ugh, this is exactly why I am NOT a kind person.

You are not going to feel great about anywhere this friend goes to live at this point, but the alternative is to let him stay. So he must go. You bit off more than you can chew. And it's fair to tell the friend this.

Tell him you'll waive the $300, but he has to be out by XXX date and it is FIRM. In this exchange, he gets more free housing from you and time to find a new place. You (eventually) get your home back.

If you're scared of him, you, your brother and spouse should all be there when he's told. Be very sweet, very sorry, etc., but make sure he gets the message that he must go. You might even tell him SS is moving back in and you simply haven't the space for him anymore.

No good deed goes unpunished!

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Yesterday we told him he has until the end of March to find a place that this situation is not working anymore. He said he understood.

hereiam's picture

Ugh, this is exactly why I am NOT a kind person.

Oh my God, I love this and had to chuckle.

Don't get me wrong, I like doing kind and generous acts, but I'm more the one-and-done kind of person (except giving to charities, I do that regularly but that's different). Allowing someone to become dependent on my kindness, is something I just can't do.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I use to take foster children in. Foster children can be difficult as well. However at least you get financial help.

steppingback's picture

Why can't your brother and his friend find a place together? Give them both notice after taking their last payment. Use that as at least a deposit on an apartment. Both gone!

Shake.it.off.'s picture

well my brother cannot financially move out yet. He is not ready. On top of that he does not want to live with this friend, he also see's the true colors this friend has presented and told me himself- he is done with this friend. Therefore it would be not be a good situation for my brother, and my brother is not the problem. My brother cleans up after himself, helps with house work and yard work, along with being respectful. I don't have any issues with my brother being around and renting a room from us. neither does my husband. The problem is we cannot afford the friend staying here any longer. we have three children of our own and currently one income since I am on maternity leave. This friend needs to find other means because we cannot mentally or financially keep him here.