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My spouse thinks I am selfish because I don't want his son to move in

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I was reading over the step parent rights the other night and was relieving to know my feelings have rights. Number five hit home to me and reminded me, that my spouse wants his biological son 12 years of age to move in with us in the near future. When he had briefly talked to me about it I think he assumed I would be acceptable to it. I was not. His son told him that he wants to live with him, and I know my spouse now feels obligated to have him move in asap. He talked to the biological mom about it and she said she would think about it. BM recently stated she was trying to work on her marriage with her husband now. The son does not want to live with the husband-according my spouse. My spouse also does not want the husband involved in his sons life either, as the husband and the BM kept the biological son from my spouse for years, and apparently belittled my spouse to his son. so basically my spouse has not been involved with his 12 year old son since he was a young child, the mother took him and left town/city and moved away with her husband claiming my spouse was an unfit dad. My spouse didn't even know his son existed when he was born, as the mother and him had a very short fling and discussed terminating the pregnancy. she left town had the son and came back two years later. So the situation is very very complicated. As of ten months ago the BM contacted my spouse and wanted him to have a relationship with their son now that her husband and her separated. She asked for help. My spouse was thrilled, excited, and he is relieved to have his own flesh and blood now. we'll all I can say is.. Our relationship has headed downhill since. I know he loves me and my kids but it's different now. I told my spouse how I felt.. I told him I was not ready to have his twelve year old son reside with us full time and for me to take on full responsibility of him. He called me selfish and could not believe I won't accept his son when he accepts my children and MY children live with us. I don't even refer to him as my step son. I refuse at this point. It's uncomfortable and the mother doesn't even want me involved! So I stay clear and I don't need toxic people like that in my life. Birth mom only wants my spouse to spend his time with their son, and my spouses full attention priorities and commitment has to be with the son. Nobody else or she will get mad at him and accuse him of not putting his son first. He doesn't necessarily listen to her, and tells her that him and I have a family too. She just doesn't like it and tries causing problems anyway she can. I am emotional and worried, very worried. My spouse and I had a fight about it recently, and we basically agreed thay our relationship isn't working but he is blaming me for it. Telling me I am emotional for no reason, that I am complicating things. He says I am rude about his son. That we fight about his son to often and he is sick of it. One of the hardest parts for me is one year ago to the date, I was pregnant . We were pregnant. My spouse and I had discussed the pregnancy, and we both were surprised especially because I was on birth control for the past three years of our relationship and then all of a sudden pregnant, the doctor was surprised too. However at that time we were scared, worried, and well we brought up reasons why we were not ready to have a baby come into our home. It came down to financial stuff. We didn't have a big enough home. I had my kids, also he had his 18 year old step son living with us. I was nkt working yet, just landed a new job . My stress levels were high and we lost the pregnancy. It was hard on me, and I think. It was hard on him at first, but my emotions around it all now especially the past few months have been depressing. Ever since his bio son came into his life, about two months after I lost my pregnancy . I just feel like shit since all I keep thinking when his son is around,is how happy he is now that he has his own flesh and blood and a son he can care for, but I couldn't carry a child in my womb that was our own. I had a iud put in so I wouldn't have this problem again. It lasts five years. By that time who knows if he will ever want a baby of our own now since he has one already. Am I really selfish ? Am I going crazy .

Last In Line's picture

It is a major change. However, he HAS had you and your children with him...why is it different for his kid to come stay with him? You haven't tried it, you have no problems other than your own fears of what might happen. Heck, the kid might come live with him and decide pretty quickly that he wants to go back to mom.

If it's a deal breaker for you, then so be it.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

My kids are also very young. When we started dating I was raising them as a single parent. He was aware of this, and took them in with open arms. I barely even knew his son existed when we got together, just brief details that he pays child support for a child he does not see. Your right the child may move in, then want to go back and live with his biological mother, however what if he doesn't? He's 12 almost 13 now, going into teenager years and let's face it most 18 year olds that are considered adults are not moving out of their parents home as most of them do not have a good enough job to support themselves, so parents have to provide financially for them. This could go on until he is 25. So we're not just calculating that he will live with us and we will be fully responsible for him until he is an adult. My spouse has a step son from a previous relationship before we met, he takes care of him and his step son is 19 now and has lived with us since we moved I together a few years ago. His step son has no intentions on moving out or getting a full time job that can allow him financially to get his own place, even with a roommate. So I will have four kids/teenagers living with me for the next few years, and let's face it everyone knows when you have a family with someone whether it's your biological kid or not, you help the, raise them financially too. Sure my spouse will pay for his needs and wants and it won't come directly out of my pocket, but we split our bills. And rent. I have two kids I pay for, but my income is not a lot. I cannot financially help him raise his son. I don't think he can financially do it either. W would have to get a five bedroom home. Or at ,east a four bedroom home and lay 2200$ in rent as rent is ridiculous in our small city, and electric just went up another 4%. Food is not cheap where I live (Canada) and my oldest child is in half days of school due to a disability which has left me working casually at my job for a year now until further testing is done which is a huge wait list to see the damn doctor. Financially i am burdened at this point.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I also wanted to add their is problems. I just didn't discuss them in this situation. For starters the bio son does not want my kids around or having attention from 'his dad' . My spouse says this will fade.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Is the child visiting now? Going from no relationship to living together would be a big adjustment. Maybe they should start with short visits and a few overnights and see how it goes.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Yes the child has been visiting since they met. My spouse makes sure he has his son over he wants his son over every weekend. The BM really pushes for the son to be at our home everytime my spouse is not working. She won't let her son stay at our house if my spouse is working, and myself and my kids are just there.

blayze's picture

You're not selfish. Your husband is NUTS.

BM doesn't want the child around you and you're going to move this child into your home?
Nope. Don't. The child cannot move in... and so what if your man calls you selfish.

Selfish is better than miserable.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Thanks, but my spouse has kind of hinted that his son comes before me now. I guess they will each other all to themselves.

Indigo's picture

Remember that if anything happens to BM ... life changes, illness, incarceration, whatever, and SS will be living with you 100% 24/7.

LikeMinded's picture

Actually, a break may not be a bad idea. It would give you a chance to process your loss, a chance to reconnect with your own kids, a chance to think about your life and what you want.

It would allow your man to go through this mess iwth his son, which may or may not work out--plenty of adopted kids go find their birth parents and try to live with them, and it flops miserably. I mean, they are strangers to eachother at this point. One thing for sure, this boy's BM is coming into your life and is going to make herself known.

I think you need to give yourself the gift of time, the gift of peace, the gift of keeping your own money and avoiding the drama that's about to happen. Give this man the gift of missing you.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

Thank you. I was thinking this too. My spouse thinks I am selfish, probably a bitch, and he is hurt by my actions. Therefore missing me will be a little harder to do especially when his family is very close to him and support him 100%. I wouldn't go as far to say his parents dislike me, I actually think his mom is fond of me as I think she knows I have been a good girlfriend however she made it clear to him his biological child is important and I need to accept this. His siblings are completely behind him. I think my parents are In agreeable with him because it is a biological child but they also hear my concerns and worry for my children (naturally) . It all comes down to who is flesh and blood and who is not apparently. I really don't think he is going to realize. He will play the good dad, and make up for all the loss years and he won't have to hear my worries or complaining about BM anymore.will see what happens though, he could have a change of feelings through the loneliness process.

LikeMinded's picture

Well, he thinks you're selfish and I think he's not very smart... who cares, lol Smile

Another thing to consider is if it doesn't work out with this kid... YOU could be blamed, because you're not into it. If kid rejects dad, it will be easier for dad to blame you.

What's important is for you to take some time off to figure out what YOU want and what will be best for YOU and YOUR kids. We don't know if he'll miss you or change his mind, but perhaps you'll be happier without him (I actually *liked* being a single mom).

A break would make sure everyone is making decisions for the right reasons.

(btw one could also make the argument that it would be selfish to stay when you know your heart's not in it and you can't give this kid a 100% welcome...)

notasm3's picture

I personally have no problem being called "selfish" on occasion. People who have healthy boundaries don't give a sh*t if others think that is being selfish.

I have no opinion on whether you are being selfish or not. Do what you want to do and don't do what is unacceptable to you.

LikeMinded's picture

This is probably not directed at me, but ... some of us are bio moms as well as SMs. So I *think* we can see both sides.

My stance is, whether selfish or not, nobody should take on more than they can chew. It's better to figure this out beforehand.

Many of us have taken on more than we can chew, and everyone's suffering over it. If we'd been honest, like this poster, and said "hey I don't think I can live with this kid"--maybe a lot of pain would have been avoided.

It does nobody any good to try to be noble and force a situation that doesn't feel right. In the end, if the poster doesn't think she can provide a positive outcome for the child (and it really doesn't matter why), she's doing the responsible thing by following her instincts.

For example, if a person calls off a wedding at the last minute, because they don't feel like they can go through with it... is it selfish? or is it the responsible thing to do? Does it matter why they feel that way?

LikeMinded's picture

Fair enough, not my clearest post. Blum 3

To clarify:

I was responding to your assertion that everyone on this board is on the SM side--some of us are on the SM and BM side because we're both.

I then tried to back up why I was supporting the OP: if she bites off more than she can chew... it's going to fail.

Whether it's selfish or not, who cares?

Shake.it.off.'s picture

This is the exact point I am at and why I wrote the post, for feedback. I wondered how many other SM were in the same situation/thought of mind. I wondered if it ever did work out if the child/teenager came to live with them, did it end up not as bad as she thought it would be OR did everything she feared happen. My childrens father and I were together before my current spouse. We were foster parents of children we actually new -from family- so they were family to him. We raised them as our own, and the ministry asked us to adopt them after 4 years. We said of course, bio mom was not in the picture at that time. My children's father at that time, had revealed to me- much to late- that he was not happy and it was not what he had expected with SO much responsibility, four kids all under 8 at that time. and he also got layed off from his job, one of the foster kids was experiencing a lot of troubles in school - FASD- and our family was on OVER LOAD- I was in school full time attending university- when I found out my childrens father was having an affair- and planning on leaving us for this women. A women I knew well. I was stunned, shocked, probably even slightly traumatized, and he I was sitting with four kids, a single mother, the ministry was absolutely CHOKED at both of us, as we were three months away from adoption. They felt the break up would be to difficult for the children being adopted, sort of losing dad randomly, and me being a single mother finishing up university, no judge would sign off for just me to adopt them. I lost them. My ex spouse just went on living his new life with his girlfriend- however now it is not much of a wonderful life. AND the kids were up for adoption with an aunt. I still was involved with their lives regularly. Then birth mom got them back. HOWEVER, I know what over load can do to a family- I felt it. I know what to much responsibility, and to much on your damn plate can do to a person- a man-women, BURN OUT is what happened with me that year. SO the way I look at it with MY SPOUSES Bio son JUST entering into his life after soo many years of being raised by BM and step dad, is that he is in a SAFE environment close and connected strongly with BM, and even step dad played a huge role, and one other sibling, Bio son has been looked after, has everything he WANTS, and needs, lives a happy life, BM is responisble for getting him to school- keeping up with home work- making sure he gets to and from any sort of practices, and my spouse has connection with him whenever he wants, can attend games frequently now, and has visitations and weekends with him, split holidays, can take him on trips and pays his amount in child support- Is it selfish to say it is a win win situation?

Shake.it.off.'s picture

There is three other boys in the house. My spouse also has a teenage/young adult (18) step son from a women he dated before I met him. He pretends to be his dad, and the only reason I refer it as "pretend" is because he does have a real dad that lives far away, and my spouse is more of a "friend" to him rather then a parent at least since he has moved in with us. He moved in with us two years ago. I actually have not many problems with about his step son living with us.His mother is polite and respectful towards me too. He is a nice boy and probably will be with us for a at least another two years. Which is okay. My spouse supports him on his own, financially as the mother gives him no support and he does not ask for it. The only complaint I have is that my spouse lets him get away with anything, there is absolutely no rules in our house for him to follow. One being He comes and goes as pleases, he has no responsibility to help out around the home either, and I have had a part time job therefore I am expected to do household chores on my own, my spouse will help out when he can and he himself is a tidy person, but his step son is not. The only thing I complain about or feel treated unfairly about is at one time i was expected to clean up after him and I demanded I do not. My spouse finally after really sticking to my thoughts, decided his 18 year old step son should clean up after himself but he thinks I am in the wrong. He also has a "step daughter" who is 16 and stays with us all holidays including summer Smile I also have no complaints about her. At first she was a bit jealous of me, and did not want her step dad to date anyone but be with her mother. That was short lived once she was aware her mother left my spouse for another man. She wanted to live with us, but my spouse felt she needed to reside with her mom but he helps her out, as my spouse did not want a responsibility of a 14 year old teenage girl.
I also raised two foster boys for several years, which I almost adopted until the biological mother came forward and wanted custody back which we support her. I loved them as my own children. Therefore I am capable of loving children that are not my own :). My spouses biological mom does not want their son around the boys I used to take care of (I still see them often and take them some weekends) all because they were foster kids. There 8 and 11. Innocent children that got dealt a crappy hand from birth and they are close to me, and my spouses sons BM does not like "them" around her son or my spouse helping them out, if it does not involved soley around her son she is angered.

oneoffour's picture

Yes he comes to live with you under YOUR terms.

Your husband has taken on your 2 children 24/7. And yes you pay for them but he contributes as well. It is selfish to say "No your son cannot live here because we lost a baby we may or may not have wanted and he is a constant reminder that you already have a child." Is it the boys fault he was born?

His SSon should move on. Maybe this is a condition of his birthson coming to live with you? When Sson moves out then BSon can move in.

BM cannot and will not dictate what goes on in your home. If DH works long hours either he gives you free reign to organise the home as you wish or when he is working BSon goes to his mothers.

The thing is when you involve yourself with a man with children from a past relationship all it takes for that child to live with you 24/7 is for the mother to stop breathing. At any time you are one breath from having to accept that child full time.

How is the boy when he is with you? He is already 12 so you would only have him around for 6-7 yrs. does he get along with your sons/ Children? Is there conflict there? What kind of boy is he? Will he need to change schools? Maybe you could 'try' it for a month over the summer vacation.

I appreciate you have your own stance on this. But considering your DH has accepted your children without complaint it is unfair to do the same for him.Although I reiterate and say SSon moves out before BSon moves in.

oneoffour's picture

Sueu, my point is this 19 yr old is not contributing to the home. He works part time and doesn't show any signs of 'launching' in the near future. He should be given a timeline... even if it is 6 months to get his act together, enroll in school / get a full time job and become self supporting.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I have suggested the son comes here for spring break. The entire spring break. However we are suppose to be going to visit my family in Arizona for one week, and his Bio Son cannot come. The BM would not approve for him to stay at "my"families home and I wouldn't even bother asking or dealing with that drama. Spouse will not ask Step Son to move out anytime soon, he will not abandon him until he is ready to go, this was discussed before. I wanted to mention when I involved myself with my spouse 5 years ago, he had no contact with his bio son. He had no contact with him since he was 2. There was no relationship with bio mom, a short lived fling, and then she came back two years later with a son. Their could be a chance the son is not even biologically his but that is another story, to answer your questions: Birth son is jealous of my children but doesn't show it all the time it just sort of comes and goes. Birth son wants his dads full attention and is clingy to my spouse actually my spouse was irritated with it at first because it was constant. My spouse is usually really good with my children, but when Bio son is around he tends to be alot more lenient to him and also same rules rarely apply to him. My children have to follow each rule else a consequence- example- All your supper gets eaten, or no desert. If you say your fill, then you do not get chips or snacks after until supper is done. Bio son seems to get away with this sometimes and doesn't have to eat his supper but receives chips and snacks afterwards. At least it happened last time he was here. I was surprised.
Yes he will need to change schools- even towns. We live in the city, he lives in a town outside the city-half hour away-. He seems like a shy boy at first, polite and nice- I was surprised and well glad to see to be quite honest. After about two months- slowly you notice a change in behavior, more attitude with" no i do not have to do that" " my mom does not make me do that, or mom lets me do that" which I assume is normal for most kids. When he first came into both of our lives, I think he was just adjusting to my spouse so it was "the honey moon stage" and I think the honey moon stage is starting to fade. Will see though once he is over every weekend. I have told my spouse to have him here every weekend, despite if BM doesn't just want him around me if spouse has to work weekends. I am a nice person. I am not rude or disrespectful towards him at all. I told my spouse he has to get use to being here, even when your not home as.. if he is going to move in with you, this is likely going to happen more times than not, and he is a teenager now he has to get used to being home without mom or dad.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I have suggested the son comes here for spring break. The entire spring break. However we are suppose to be going to visit my family in Arizona for one week, and his Bio Son cannot come. The BM would not approve for him to stay at "my"families home and I wouldn't even bother asking or dealing with that drama. Spouse will not ask Step Son to move out anytime soon, he will not abandon him until he is ready to go, this was discussed before. I wanted to mention when I involved myself with my spouse 5 years ago, he had no contact with his bio son. He had no contact with him since he was 2. There was no relationship with bio mom, a short lived fling, and then she came back two years later with a son. Their could be a chance the son is not even biologically his but that is another story, to answer your questions: Birth son is jealous of my children but doesn't show it all the time it just sort of comes and goes. Birth son wants his dads full attention and is clingy to my spouse actually my spouse was irritated with it at first because it was constant. My spouse is usually really good with my children, but when Bio son is around he tends to be alot more lenient to him and also same rules rarely apply to him. My children have to follow each rule else a consequence- example- All your supper gets eaten, or no desert. If you say your fill, then you do not get chips or snacks after until supper is done. Bio son seems to get away with this sometimes and doesn't have to eat his supper but receives chips and snacks afterwards. At least it happened last time he was here. I was surprised.
Yes he will need to change schools- even towns. We live in the city, he lives in a town outside the city-half hour away-. He seems like a shy boy at first, polite and nice- I was surprised and well glad to see to be quite honest. After about two months- slowly you notice a change in behavior, more attitude with" no i do not have to do that" " my mom does not make me do that, or mom lets me do that" which I assume is normal for most kids. When he first came into both of our lives, I think he was just adjusting to my spouse so it was "the honey moon stage" and I think the honey moon stage is starting to fade. Will see though once he is over every weekend. I have told my spouse to have him here every weekend, despite if BM doesn't just want him around me if spouse has to work weekends. I am a nice person. I am not rude or disrespectful towards him at all. I told my spouse he has to get use to being here, even when your not home as.. if he is going to move in with you, this is likely going to happen more times than not, and he is a teenager now he has to get used to being home without mom or dad.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I have suggested the son comes here for spring break. The entire spring break. However we are suppose to be going to visit my family in Arizona for one week, and his Bio Son cannot come. The BM would not approve for him to stay at "my"families home and I wouldn't even bother asking or dealing with that drama. Spouse will not ask Step Son to move out anytime soon, he will not abandon him until he is ready to go, this was discussed before. I wanted to mention when I involved myself with my spouse 5 years ago, he had no contact with his bio son. He had no contact with him since he was 2. There was no relationship with bio mom, a short lived fling, and then she came back two years later with a son. Their could be a chance the son is not even biologically his but that is another story, to answer your questions: Birth son is jealous of my children but doesn't show it all the time it just sort of comes and goes. Birth son wants his dads full attention and is clingy to my spouse actually my spouse was irritated with it at first because it was constant. My spouse is usually really good with my children, but when Bio son is around he tends to be alot more lenient to him and also same rules rarely apply to him. My children have to follow each rule else a consequence- example- All your supper gets eaten, or no desert. If you say your fill, then you do not get chips or snacks after until supper is done. Bio son seems to get away with this sometimes and doesn't have to eat his supper but receives chips and snacks afterwards. At least it happened last time he was here. I was surprised.
Yes he will need to change schools- even towns. We live in the city, he lives in a town outside the city-half hour away-. He seems like a shy boy at first, polite and nice- I was surprised and well glad to see to be quite honest. After about two months- slowly you notice a change in behavior, more attitude with" no i do not have to do that" " my mom does not make me do that, or mom lets me do that" which I assume is normal for most kids. When he first came into both of our lives, I think he was just adjusting to my spouse so it was "the honey moon stage" and I think the honey moon stage is starting to fade. Will see though once he is over every weekend. I have told my spouse to have him here every weekend, despite if BM doesn't just want him around me if spouse has to work weekends. I am a nice person. I am not rude or disrespectful towards him at all. I told my spouse he has to get use to being here, even when your not home as.. if he is going to move in with you, this is likely going to happen more times than not, and he is a teenager now he has to get used to being home without mom or dad.

LikeMinded's picture

Welp, you've taken care of so many kids that are not your own... I don't think anyone should be calling you selfish.

For what' it's worth... Smile

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I love children, however I know what it feels like to burn out. I know what it can lead too. It has happened. Raising children is not easy, and somebody else's children can be even harder. I feel Your always walking on "egg shells" or you do not want to cause problems, hurt feelings, so you basically just mind your own business that way Biological parents are not upset, including your spouse at times. If this is the path that my spouse and I have to do, then I am not sure if I am ready for it and some people refer to me as "selfish" or one parent said I was only thinking about myself, but maybe I am just thinking about me, my kids too. Actually I am also thinking of my spouse. My spouse doesn't realize the responsibility that also will go along with it, and right now he sometimes is not able to handle his bio son or does not know what to do. It is all new to him too. One day a 13 year old son appears in your life. One of the children I raised the 11.5 year old son, who refers to me as mom and is the only mom he has known, until his bio mom came along a year in a half ago, he has asked several times to come back and live with me, even when he with his BM. I considered it last year, and got legal advice. In the end I had to acknowledge that it would be difficult in certain areas and even though I love him and support him it was a difficult decision to make last year.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I love children, however I know what it feels like to burn out. I know what it can lead too. It has happened. Raising children is not easy, and somebody else's children can be even harder. I feel Your always walking on "egg shells" or you do not want to cause problems, hurt feelings, so you basically just mind your own business that way Biological parents are not upset, including your spouse at times. If this is the path that my spouse and I have to do, then I am not sure if I am ready for it and some people refer to me as "selfish" or one parent said I was only thinking about myself, but maybe I am just thinking about me, my kids too. Actually I am also thinking of my spouse. My spouse doesn't realize the responsibility that also will go along with it, and right now he sometimes is not able to handle his bio son or does not know what to do. It is all new to him too. One day a 13 year old son appears in your life. One of the children I raised the 11.5 year old son, who refers to me as mom and is the only mom he has known, until his bio mom came along a year in a half ago, he has asked several times to come back and live with me, even when he with his BM. I considered it last year, and got legal advice. In the end I had to acknowledge that it would be difficult in certain areas and even though I love him and support him it was a difficult decision to make last year.

Shake.it.off.'s picture

My spouse came to me three days ago, and had told me he thinks it might not be the best idea to move his son in at the moment. We had a long discussion regarding my feelings, his feelings regarding if this is the right time. My spouse had spoken to BM over the weekend when they were exchanging his son, and there is complications. The Bio son had requested that when he visits his dad he wants to be the only one in the home/our home and had said that he did not want to come visit anymore if he did not get one on one with dad during each visit. My spouse and I had argued last week regarding bio son moving in with us shortly, and I had a lot of concerns. My spouse and I needed some time apart to think about a decision like this that would effect both of our lives. MY spouse was angry with me, but turns out three days ago he now has concerns himself regarding his son. The BM was angry with him, yet again. Explaining if the son is going to move in with his dad, that I need to disappear, actually I need to be "less around" is how she put it, including my kids. The BM suggested to my spouse that MY kids should stay with their dad more often, to give her son quality time with my spouse most days. My spouse has suggested that his son stay with us for one week at a time each months, and he hopes his son will become more comfortable in the home, and accept me and my kids. If not, my spouse said he is not moving his son into the home and having us leave. He explained this to BM also and next visit will speak to his son alone. At the moment the son does not want to come over this weekend, and or even next week. The SON moving in is on stand by at the moment.

Buggy2's picture

Your SS needs therapy.
1. the man raised him isn't in his life anymore
2. BM is has some jealously issue that she passing along to her child unhealthy.
3. SS probably was clingy in the beginning because he afraid to loose another male figure in his life.

My next suggestion would be for your DH to take BM to court. She shouldn't be one making all the decisions because she gave birth. Your DH needs to get something in writing so he can start making decisions for his son. I have funny feeling if BM and SS don't get what they want your DH won't see his child again.