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I Feel So Alone!

Nini71's picture

Feeling alone and at my wits end!

I'm married (20 yrs and 30 total together) with two adult sons with my husband and one adult step son. We had a rough start being so young when we got together and started having children. Finally, after 12 years of being together and after forgiving one another and repairing our relationship we got married. Was one of the most happiest days of my life. From then on my life with him and our children was like a happily ever after story. I thought all the heartache he put me through was over. Then one day he confessed he had an affair and he believed it resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. I was devasted and I still cry about it till this day. I felt I was stabbed in my heart. I never thought my wildest dreams he would do this. Long story short we tracked down the mother and child and had a DNA test done. It came back that my husband was the father although someone else had thought they were, she lied to her husband that it was his! My husband and I had counseling because I wanted out of the marriage I was so hurt and felt tricked into marrying him. We got to know the child who was just 10 years old at the time and my husband took on emotional and financial responsibility for his son. It was all good I had accepted him as my own, he was a wonderful, loving, smart child. Fast forward about 15 years later. My step son is an adult who made some very bad choices after graduating high school. He is now married and already has three children at only in his early 20's and no job! I hate absolutely hate being a step mom now! It has grown complicated especially now that my step son's wife. When they got married we weren't invited because the BM said so she hates my husband. The step daughter in law used to call my husband and I to tell us she was being mistreated but we weren't allow to confront son about it. I was furious. If my biological son's were being accused of that you bet I would get to the bottom of it! My husband complied and that set the stage for my unhappiness with this situation. I don't care for his wife, they use the grandkids to tug at my husbands heartstrings and my step son's wife don't have a very good relationship and she used to compare him to my oldest son who is happily married by saying why can't you be a hard worker like him. I asked her to stop doing that as it would cause friction with my son and him. She also has bad mouthed and put her mother in law on a peddlestal. When they come over the grand children are bratty have no discipline and they all dirty my house and I have to cook and clean up after everyone! I have tried to express my frustration to my husband who will temporarily put a band aide on the situation and then my step son will quit coming around and replying to my husband's texts and my husband will practically beg him to reply and come around. My biological son's have started to see this pattern and my frustration and we feel we have to tread lightly otherwise their dad and my husband will be offended. I'm so at my wits end I never wanted to be a step mother I feel tricked into this situation I hate it so much!

Rags's picture

A tough story. Take care of you. That is all you can do. Your children are raised, your DH is a cheating POS, his toxic cheat trophy crotch nugget and his wife are wastes of parental skin, and your DH is lapping up their effluent hook, line, and sinker.

I think it is time to nail his ass to the wall, take everything, and start a new life adventure with that shallow and polluted gene pool fading in your rear view mirror.

Better yet... change the locks and put your DH to the curb.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

ChiefGrownup's picture

1. Stop talking to the dil. News sports and weather only any time you are forced to. Suddenly you have another call, doorbell, dropped the hot casserole, whatever, next time she changes the subject.

2. Police the grandkids in your house. Tell them the rules the minute they arrive. At my gramma's house when we were little we knew we would have to wash our feet before getting into her beds. You have your rules, too. If parents don't help them comply and clean up, you tell them, "sorry, these are the rules of my house, you'll have to leave now." DH gives you cow eyes, go do your favorite activity and ignore him while he cleans up the gkids mess.

3. Consider pulling the plug on the whole marriage. He has already thrown 3 lifetime's worth of garbage on your head. Is it worth it?

Acratopotes's picture

Wow - now that I'm over the shock....

YOu have 2 good kids out of this all and even they see what's going on, it's their father why can't they talk to him and say... enough is enough.. SS is not your only kid, you have 2 others and a wife who stood by you even when you cheated on her...

as for you, Hon after 30 years you have the right to make your own decisions, your house your rules, if SS and family does not like it so be it, DH can see them out of the house, put down your foot. They are all adults and if they can't respect you then they can stay away, DH included.

Stop walking on egg shells around your husband and cut all contact with the toxic DIL, simply start new with rules and boundaries in your home, either the grand kids behave or you will teach them manners, or they never have to come over again...

Beenthere-Hated it's picture

Run, run, run!! As fast and as far as possible. As Boston sings: Don't look back- the FUTURE is waiting . Go forward...thru the hell and pain and loss and keep going forward until one day it won't hurt anymore and you will be free and have a future all for yourself to plan and live as you wish. It will be worth the hassle and pain in the end. Godspeed. As the stewardesses say: Put your oxygen mask on before you put it on your child ( or your husband, or your sister or your mother or father). You first.

Nini71's picture

He cheated on me before we were married and I had just had our oldest son. He asked for forgiveness, took responsibility of his selfish actions. He could've taken the easy way out and went to his grave with this as the BM admitted she was going to do. She hates him because her little secret was out and later discovered that also had an affair with another man later (not my husband)and again had another child she pretended was her ex husband's. Horrible that anyone could do this and still sleep at night!

I'm not looking to become single, I don't want out of my marriage we are happy. This situation is difficult and I don't care for SS wife. She's manipulative, and irresponsible and probably good friends with the BM so who knows what damage they plan on doing to my marriage. I refuse to let them or anyone destroy my marriage and family. I have no ill feelings deep down for my SS he did not ask to be born in these circumstances. I have my two biological son's that my husband and I raised. They have turned out to be wonderful men. I have a beautiful DIL from one biological son and one biological grandson. I would not trade my little family for anything.

I need to woman up and set some boundaries alright and if SS and his stupid wife and even my husband don't like it then oh well. I'm not a flippin door mat!

ybarra357's picture

"I refuse to let them or anyone destroy my marriage and family."

I think you DH is doing a pretty good of it job without them. You're happy? Well, the title of your post is saying something different...

TwoOfUs's picture

Ah. How noble of your DH to do the DNA test, thereby depriving his son of the potential to grow up in an intact home and ensuring that his son always knows that he was an illegitimate oops pregnancy.

TwoOfUs's picture

Ah. How noble of your DH to do the DNA test, thereby depriving his son of the potential to grow up in an intact home and ensuring that his son always knows that he was an illegitimate oops pregnancy.

Nini71's picture

Wait...wait...just read the recent comments....

The marriage was already over because that lady went and cheated again and this time around the husband and some of her kids found out. My SS said that his home was very dysfunctional and he was always treated different by his dad than the rest of the kids because he did not look like them. Very sad, very difficult. Believe me I often think the same why didn't he just keep his mouth shut. I have so much mixed feelings lately of sadness, and anger. I just wish this was all a bad dream.

Nini71's picture

Wait...wait...just read the recent comments....

The marriage was already over because that lady went and cheated again and this time around the husband and some of her kids found out. My SS said that his home was very dysfunctional and he was always treated different by his dad than the rest of the kids because he did not look like them. Very sad, very difficult. Believe me I often think the same why didn't he just keep his mouth shut. I have so much mixed feelings lately of sadness, and anger. I just wish this was all a bad dream.

notasm3's picture

You have ZERO responsibility to the bastard son, his wife or his offspring. They are NOTHING to you. They could be if they were decent - but they are not. Erase them from YOUR life. Let your DH see them on his own time - preferably at their home. No reason for you to be cooking and cleaning up after them.

My DH has an adult son with a GF and a baby. I want NOTHING to do with them - because of their horrid actions. I live my life, and they live theirs. They are maybe 20 minutes away from us. My DH is free to go see them. They never once invited me to their home ever so why should I bother with them?

Father's Day is coming up soon. I have plans for us to go away, but made sure that we will not be leaving until the day after Father's Day. Just in case SS makes some effort to honor his father.

DH does not text, but on our cell phone bill I see many, many calls between them. I totally okay with that. I also do not give a damn what SS or GF might say about me. I've even been called "the barren bitch" since I never had children (not by choice). I don't even care. Yawn. Their actions and words are as meaningless to me as a stranger who lives in China.