Er1ca2000's picture

I just want them to leave!!

My skids mother left them with us. She just up and left one day. We had started parental abandonment proceedings when she showed back up and demanded for them to given back to her. Obviously the judge said no and my DH and I were grant sole legal custody. They have joint physical custody, and the skids are allowed to visit their mother two times a month. That was 7 years ago. Fast forward to today. The oldest sd has moved out, there are two left. Sd17 and SS14. Ss is alright but the remaining sd is horrible. Just like her older sister. Every single chance they get, they rip me to shreds. DH and I have been married 11 years and the only time I'm happy is when those demon spawn kids are gone. I feel terrible and I feel like a horrible person because I want to tell them to just stay with their mother and never come back. DH doesn't actually parent, they do what ever they want. I do not even usually greet SD and likewise she doesn't greet me. She will be 17 in March and I want her to leave. How do I even go about getting over that? The history between those kids and me is tumultuous at best. Their mother feeds their negative feels. I never even had the chance to build a relationship with them. I didn't really want to. I felt like she threw them on me when just took off. I didn't sign up full time mother status on those kids. I have three of my own kids and I missed a great deal of time with them because I was forced to take on the skids full time. I truly just want them to leave. Do I just continue to keep my mouth shut, ignore their horrible behavior or do I say something? DH simply won't speak of how horrible his daughters are to me. He just walks off and I feel so alone. I deeply regret marrying a man that had young children. Step parenting is fine but I wish I had married a man with grown kids or no kids. I regret marrying into this with every fiber of my being.


Er1ca2000's picture

Then*

Then*

Er1ca2000's picture

I've thought about it. It's

I've thought about it. It's not about him though. I love him so much. We've even talked about it. His thought was why would the kids ruin the future has for us? They won't be there forever. But that's the thing. They will be. There will be his grandkids and they'll get married and there will birthday and holidays. I told him that it would be ok. He can just have his relationship with his kids when they leave and I don't want to do anything with them. His oldest is pregnant and I do not care. That's his grandkid not mine.

C's picture

I don't consider DH's grand

I don't consider DH's grand kids as mine, either.

ybarra357's picture

Yeah the BM dumped the kids

Yeah the BM dumped the kids in your household but in turn your DH dumped them onto you. You've endured this BS for 11 years? Dayum. These kids have 2 crappy parents.

That's no moon, it's a space station!

Er1ca2000's picture

She even tried to have me

She even tried to have me investigated during their custody battle. She claimed I was mean and abusive. The judge asked her why then, if I was such a danger and threat to her children, did she leave them with me and not come back? She had no response and that was dropped. Lol

notasm3's picture

You can tell a 17 year old to

You can tell a 17 year old to go fuck herself. You may not be able to toss her out of the house until she is 18 - but at 17 you can remove the censor gag.

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but rather the lighting of a fire." William Butler Yeats

oneoffour's picture

Well sweetie, as much as you

Well sweetie, as much as you love your 'amazing' husband he has allowed his kids to free range. They raise themselves because he is too lazy to do anything about them. So he has allowed the stronger parent (their mother) teach them to to despise you and treat you like dirt. What has DH taught them?
If my DH allowed his sons to treat me like that I would have been gone a long time ago. I adore him but I adore myself even more. He can protest his love up and down and sideways however if he allowed his sons to be hateful and never call them into line ... well he and I would have a very different idea of love and it would never have got to marriage. even if he had changed his tune after marrying me I would have no problem about walking out. I am a good person and have nothing wrong to my ssons.
The difference between my DH and yours is today my ssons turned up to help us put out our Christmas decorations in the yard. Why? Because we asked them and they jumped at the chance to help out. And your SD?
This is not the SDs fault per se. DH has allowed her to behave like this. He really doesn't care if his wife is upset or hurt because his daughter is being a first class bitch. So tell me again how wonderful he is? And how much he loves you? No man who really loves a woman allows ANYONE to treat her like this. NO MAN.
Also, NEVER EVER enter into a relationship with a man who has children and assume there will never be a time they may be living with you.

kittyskid's picture

Great advice! I actually

Great advice! I actually took a screen shot & saved to phone so I can re-read to remind myself.

Rags's picture

I would say that at this late

I would say that at this late stage (you are a year with the 17yo and 4 years with the 14yo from a Skid purge) that you put your foot up everyone's asses, enforce behvioral standards in your home, and inform DH that the presence of his prior relationship spawn in your family home past their 18th birthdays is dependent on their behavioral compliance and his effective enforcement of the behavioral standards.

Rather than kicking them out now I would go with an enforcement and full engagement route. That way you are taking direct actions, holding all accountable, and gain some control over your own feelings and the situation in your home.

Good luck.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

AVR1962's picture

I was in a very similar

I was in a very similar situation. BM left and I think her intention was to start a new life and when her new husband could support them financially she thought she could get them back. She made no contact with her then 2 & 4 year old boys, basically abandoned them. When I came into the picture husband had been divorced 3 years and the boys had one visit with their mother. The boys were out of control, angry, the younger one was a drama king and was always trying to get his dad's attention. Husband was caught up in his own world, sitting in font of the TV and doing crossword puzzles. We did alot as a family unit but when I would encourage husband to spend time with his sons he always had something else that was more important like his TV and crossword puzzles. Eventually he told me to just take care of things concerning he boys. As much as I possibly could I tried to get my husband to deal with issues but he simply just wanted to not deal and let all the issues go. BM had a very negative influence over the boys, she saw them once or twice a year and the boys would come back saying all these hateful things their mother had filled their heads with that we'd then have o try and correct. Talking to her did not help at all and husband did not want to deal with her.

By the time the boys hit jr hi/high school they were extremely angry with me. They either avoided me or I was given the constant evil eye. They were very disrespectful and neither bio parent would discipline them or even speak to them about their behavior. I ended up picking and choosing my battles. I would not allow them to talk back to me, I absolutely did not keep my mouth shut.

The boys are now adults and my husband has been told what an awful person I was and how he wasn't there to protect them from me and how I should never been given the authority to be as involved as I was. Neither of us was invited or informed younger boy was getting married. The older boy just married a few months ago and he did invite his dad but I was asked not to attend.

Who has the relationship with the boys? The bio mom who abandoned them.

The way I see it is BM was very manipulative and here she supported all the boys' bad words and feelings towards me. If you want your children to have a good relationship with the step parent you do not support the poor behavior of the child, you support the step parent and try to get along but no, she wanted that wedge. Same with my husband who counselors have said is passive-aggressive, he needed to step to the plate but I think he wanted to please his children instead of being a parent. That left me in a very difficult position, the one you are in right now.

I don't know if this will help you.....I always thought that if I just kept trying it would all be worth it eventually and that the boys would have some respect as I was the parent who was taking care of them. They are now in their 30's and I can tell you that never happened. We neither one have a relationship with either boy or their families. Eventually I completely disengaged. I longer sent presents, emails, nothing. I told my hsuabnd it was all on his shoulders, that I was done and I have kept my word. I have absolutely nothing to do with them.

Stormyweather's picture

Fuck me....I lasted 6 months

Fuck me....I lasted 6 months with similar attitudes and behaviour with a newly married DH (married in April THIS YEAR) and I kicked them out! No way was I tolerating disrespectful behaviour in MY home!!

I couldn't bare the thought of this going on indefinitely and even more so when grandskids came along etc!! Ugghhhh!!

We currently live separate lives but continue to date. The jury is still out on whether this suits me or not.

Er1ca2000's picture

You guys are actually great.

You guys are actually great. I don't know any of you but it's so nice to know I'm not alone!! I feel completely abandoned by my DH with his daughters. The one that moves out adds as much to the fire as possible. I feel alone in my own marriage. I don't know how to explain it to him. :-/ thank you guys so much for listening to me

Rags's picture

^^^^THIS^^^^

^^^^THIS^^^^ Laughing out loud Cool

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

Justmeandmybipolar1's picture

See to be honest, the best

See to be honest, the best advice I can give you is to give him the option. He either gets a grip, stops feeling guilty for the way things are and treats his children like "children", with rules and regulations...or you leave. If I had of done that from the beginning in my own relationship it would have stopped years of heartache and hurt.

My SS is 17 now and even the thought of him or the mention of his name makes me mad furious. At the beginning ( 5 years ago ) he played the "Feel sorry for me my mummy and daddy have split up" card, 1 year later it was old, 2 years later it was annoying, 3 years later it was intolerable and 5 years later he is a distant memory. I didn't ask my husband to choose, step son showed his true colours eventually and husband made the choice on his own. I am well aware of the fact that SS will always be his regardless, but at great length we have sat down and discussed our relationship, what he wants, what I want and what we want as a family. I have made my side of the bargain clear that under no circumstances will I ever stop him from seeing his son, after all he is his own flesh and blood and if someone done the same to me i'd have no quiffs or qualms over leaving them, but at the same time, I don't want to see him or have anything to do with him. I am lucky in that husband is so laid back he would fall back, understands my illness, the stress of having SS around after all the things he has put us through and that SS SERIOUSLY needs to get a grip of his life before he makes any sort of entry back into ours.

The fact is skids will never be far away, no matter how much we put them out the house or try to get rid of them, so you make the decision you think is right. Guilt from your partner over how their marriage/relationship ended and how their kids feel will NEVER go away until THEY realise the mistakes they've made, because guilt doesn't make the situation any better...their kids sense a weakness in their parents and use it at every chance they get.

Your skids are well old enough now to know what's right from wrong and what p1ss take they can and can't get away with. If they aren't going to play ball i'd suggest cutting all contact with them completely until they do...and your spouse has to back you up here, without a united front your banging your head off a brick wall.

All this attachment disorder bollocks and social work crap is a pile of sh1t. Kids behave how THEY want to be have and will do anything for attention, especially step kids. Personally I can't stand the sight of mine and I have made a point to myself now that no matter how much he does grow up, change, become the next Mother Threasa for all I care...I will tolerate him...and tolerate him only for my own sanity.

Good luck in whatever path you take...but remember the most important rule. ALWAYS look after number 1 and number 1 will look after you Eye-wink

Peace

A wee scottish lassie x

I hate being Bipolar, it's awesome.

Justmeandmybipolar1's picture

See to be honest, the best

See to be honest, the best advice I can give you is to give him the option. He either gets a grip, stops feeling guilty for the way things are and treats his children like "children", with rules and regulations...or you leave. If I had of done that from the beginning in my own relationship it would have stopped years of heartache and hurt.

My SS is 17 now and even the thought of him or the mention of his name makes me mad furious. At the beginning ( 5 years ago ) he played the "Feel sorry for me my mummy and daddy have split up" card, 1 year later it was old, 2 years later it was annoying, 3 years later it was intolerable and 5 years later he is a distant memory. I didn't ask my husband to choose, step son showed his true colours eventually and husband made the choice on his own. I am well aware of the fact that SS will always be his regardless, but at great length we have sat down and discussed our relationship, what he wants, what I want and what we want as a family. I have made my side of the bargain clear that under no circumstances will I ever stop him from seeing his son, after all he is his own flesh and blood and if someone done the same to me i'd have no quiffs or qualms over leaving them, but at the same time, I don't want to see him or have anything to do with him. I am lucky in that husband is so laid back he would fall back, understands my illness, the stress of having SS around after all the things he has put us through and that SS SERIOUSLY needs to get a grip of his life before he makes any sort of entry back into ours.

The fact is skids will never be far away, no matter how much we put them out the house or try to get rid of them, so you make the decision you think is right. Guilt from your partner over how their marriage/relationship ended and how their kids feel will NEVER go away until THEY realise the mistakes they've made, because guilt doesn't make the situation any better...their kids sense a weakness in their parents and use it at every chance they get.

Your skids are well old enough now to know what's right from wrong and what p1ss take they can and can't get away with. If they aren't going to play ball i'd suggest cutting all contact with them completely until they do...and your spouse has to back you up here, without a united front your banging your head off a brick wall.

All this attachment disorder bollocks and social work crap is a pile of sh1t. Kids behave how THEY want to be have and will do anything for attention, especially step kids. Personally I can't stand the sight of mine and I have made a point to myself now that no matter how much he does grow up, change, become the next Mother Threasa for all I care...I will tolerate him...and tolerate him only for my own sanity.

Good luck in whatever path you take...but remember the most important rule. ALWAYS look after number 1 and number 1 will look after you Eye-wink

Peace

A wee scottish lassie x

I hate being Bipolar, it's awesome.

MRBDDB's picture

My step-daughter is 18 1/2

My step-daughter is 18 1/2 and still there. I wish it was so simple to just boot them out at that age. I guess though every situation is different. I too have already thought about the future and they will be still around with grandkids, holidays, birthday parties, etc. I don't even want to think about it.

*Step Parenting is the most thankless, unrewarding, unappreciative crap job in the world*

Rags's picture

It is that simple. Tell DH

It is that simple. Tell DH to deal with his spawn, then right in front of him pick up your phone, call a locksmith and schedule an appointment for them to come rekey the locks. Better yet, install security code programable locks and tell DH, if she deviates from acceptable behavior in MY home, I disable her code and she can sleep on the curb. Keep on top of your Spawn DH, or she will not be allowed in MY home. Don't piss me off over this or YOUR code will quit working too.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Set the standard of behavior, apply the consequences for failure to comply.

We had a bit of this with my SS-23 shortly after he turned 18. He had a choice, be in college that his mom and I would have fully funded anywhere he wanted to go, or have a full time job. He could live at home rent free but he had to either be a full time student or have a full time job. Nope, not interested in school. I am proud of him that he was clear. "Mom, Dad, I am not ready to study, it would be a waste of my time and your money." As it turned out he also was not interested in a job.

So, we gave him a job. We made him our beck-and-call-boy/chore bitch. We worked that kid's butt off. He had chores, chores, and more chores. He cleaned, scrubbed, washed, folded, organizated, dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, fried, baked, grilled, sauted, polished, wire brushed, sanded, painted, weeded, trimmed, clipped, power washed, etc... and then he did it all again, and again, and again. When he got more efficient we added more trivial completely unpleasant menial crap to the list. When he failed to complete a day's scheduled chores, the next morning on our way out the door for work we dragged him out of bed, dumpled him on the front step, locked the door, and left him there in his shorts and T-shirt until we got home in the evening. Then he had to do the previous days incomplete chore list and today's or he would be deposited on the door step the following morning. Lather, rinse, repeat. It took only a few times of not doing his job and being left on the step with no food, water, or shelter on hot and cold days to catch a clue. The first time was in Sept in Houston. It was hot and humid and when we got home that evening he was dehydrated and very angry and bitchy with us. He was pissed that we had not left him with any water. That is when I introduced him to the wonders of the garden hose which those of us of a certain age clearly understand is where water comes from when you are hot, thirsty, and outside. A couple of months later he tested us again and by then it was a little chilly. When we dumped him out of bed I grabbed his comforter off of his bed as we escorted him down stairs and out the door. I did not want him to be hypothermic when his mom and I got home from work. I am so caring and tender. Eye-wink Evil

He learned After 4mos he enlisted in the USAF delayed entry program. And for four more months he was our chore bitch until he reported to USAF BMT. He figured out in a hurry that laboring for room and board sucked and if he wanted a life other than the one we selected for him he had to step up and leap to viable adulthood.

We shutdown the cable TV and internet every morning before we left for work just to make sure he had nothing to do but the chores. We turned it on when we got home and his mom and I enjoyed those things while he cooked and cleaned up after dinner. Yay smart house!!!! Having the hub behind a lockable panel in our master BR closet made control and access a breeze. Evil

It worked for us, it will work for anyone.

IMHO of course.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

One tired chick's picture

^^^^^ THIS^^^^^ The most

^^^^^ THIS^^^^^

The most crucial word in StepAside's post IMO? CONSEQUENCES.

These self absorbed, entitled young adults need to learn there is a consequence for every action.