Unmarried Living together trying to deal with 10 year old girl

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OK....Here is the situation, I am living with my Partner (Girlfriend) in her home with her children. We have a unique situation where we will never get married due to past marriages that were destructive. We are best friends and have each others backs on 99% of everything...EXCEPT Children. She has a 10 year old daughter that demands her attention 24/7, I UNDERSTAND the bond and the need to find out who she is and her mother is the only parent she has ever known (Father is not in the picture) So, OK, My frustration comes with the disrespect she shows...not cleaning up after herself, laying on the couch in front of the TV sucking her fingers with a blanket from the time she gets home from school until its bed time, wont eat good food, takes/uses/demands the use of, items that do not belong to her and then does not take care of them, gets mad when the attention is not directed at her ALL THE TIME. Pleas enote there is a 13yo son here too, who is sooooooo frustrated with her getting her way all the time that he hides in his room to avoid her. Ok back to the issue at hand. I, being the odd man out, for lack of a better term, have issues with disrespect and i try to present those issues when she is disrespectful and i get contradicting feedback from her mother...some days shes on my side others shes coddling her daughter in situations that are virtually the same. The young girl has issues with me being in the house and i understand I am not her father, but she is lazy, needy, demanding and disrespectful to her mother mostly and me as well.

Ex: This morning, i called into work to be late, so I could take the kids to school (mom worked late the night before and i was going to let her sleep in a bit)so, wake the kids up go through the morning routine come to find out the 13 yo son did not dry his clothes so his sweatshirt was not able to be worn to school. So, i opted to give him another one that he has worn before. The 10 yo girl saw he was wearing it and got mad, said i was going to wear it, mom said i could. I explained the situation to her and asked her to wear her other sweatshirt for today, she walked away and went right upstairs crying to her mom (who i was trying to let sleep in) Mom consoles her and babies her thengirl comes downstairs, mad, sobbing and wont talk to me. My reaction was anger because she woke her mom up who had just gotten home at 3am and it was 7am and ruined my attempt at assistance. so I looked around the house and found one of my sweatshirts and asked the 13 yo boy if he would wear that...he said sure! so igave her the sweatshirt she wanted, took them to school and that was that, got home went upstairs to get ready for work and the mom say "you know she was right", i said right about what, she said i gave her that sweatshirt on Monday to wear to school (THIS IS WHAT I DEAL WITH)no communicaion, no compromise and i end up looking like a bad guy!!!! I said i had no idea and was sorry that it became an issue and she said its ok (keep in mind what i said previously about inconsistency in backing me up about the kids)

The mom says I have an issue with her daughter and her daughter has an issue with me because im not DAD. My issue is the child is disrespectful, ignores her mom, is lazy, etc. Mom lets it be ok and talks to her like none of that matters. I cant do that...bugs me to no end and i end up getting in trouble. Keep in mind also that for the longest time i was left home to tend to the kids 3-4 nights a week while she worked, and had to take care of all the house stuff by myself because kids were no help.

Anyway I hope you can get my drift...very frustrated and confused, but the direction the 10 yo is going she is going to be a selfish, nasty teenager and be a pain in the butt.....Mom says that if she isnt really careful how she treats her daughters drama that she will become all those things, so we disagree - HELP!!!!

The girl has an issue with

The girl has an issue with you not because you are not her dad, but because she cannot manipulate you as easily as her mother. The mother is a crappy parent who is raising a monster. No 10yo should be in charge. You said she could not have the sweatshirt she wanted and you should have stuck to your guns. Controlled choices- wear some other clothes or miss school. In your scenario you ended up changing your behavior not her. She got what she wanted by manipulating her mother.

Suggest your GF read some parenting books or attend some classes. If that does not help, tell her sweetly that you can only take so much and move out. This very unhealthy dynamic is only going to get worse with puberty. Teach the brat to take no for an answer now or regret later.

She is NOT a crappy parent,

She is NOT a crappy parent, she has done it all on her own due to a drug addict/alcoholic father who wont even visit or call his kids....She was a troubled child who found her way and is very very motivated and an amazing person, her work ethic and desire to raise great kids is amazing, they are both "A" "B" students and have no issues at school and i back up her WORK competely. I am just venting to see if anyone has some good suggestions on how to make myself less intollerant and how to handle situations differently.

I think you need to rethink

I think you need to rethink what the issues are.
Making yourself less intolerant of intolerable behavior is hardly one of them... and is doomed to failure.

Ok, I think you

Ok, I think you mis-understood, I had no idea her mother had told her she could have it and she did not convey that message to me at all, just said mom lets me wear it, her son had an immediate need and i tried to solve the problem by allowing him to wear it no knowing there had been an additional agreement made. I LOVE the little girl she is amazing but she has issues that spark my frustration and her mother does not communicate with me. I feel like you are pointing fingers. you dont know me and you are presenting me as some sort of monster. I am far from that, I am very diplomatic and only ask the kids do as they are expected by their mother, but in her own words, she doesnt see everything that happens so she cant control the outcome. I was trying to be nice to the mom by allowing her to sleep in and helping with the kids as I ALWAYS DO, but going a step further to make sure she got some rest. The 10 yo did not explain anything to me as usual she just got mad and ran to her mom. I suggest you look deeepr into a situation before you accuse me of being childish. I am an adult and I love her children like my own and never ever ask them to do anything beyond the realm of their ability. The 10 yo is a slob, she eats food and leaves her dirty dishes on the table next to the couch in the smae place she occupies all the time, no one can sit on that side of the couch, no one can expalin to her that her behavior is questionable. She still s on sleeping with her mom, she manipulates every situation so she is in charge. If you dont see what im saying then thats cool, but dont judge me because I am trying to assit the mom in her daily tasks like a good man would do. its not every day all day but the 10yo flips a switch several times a day making me look like the bad guy...AAGAIN, I LOVE THE KIDS and would do anything for them so I will accept your opinion and i have been trying to not interfere with their chld rearing that is directed by the mother...she asks the same things i do, just does not back them up or take charge so when i do i am a monster.

Why are you choosing to live

Why are you choosing to live with a child who acts this way? Why can't you and your girlfriend just date/live apart so you aren't subjected to her failure to parent?

I am not living with the

I am not living with the daughter so to speak, the mom and I have a very healthy relationship, the daughter is just dealing with things in a way i am unfamiliar with and I want to learn more so i can be part of her life - she can be the sweetest kid and is very loving to me most of the time unless she doesnt get what she wants, she refuses to compromise on anything and when we can get a compromise its good...but sometimes there is none and i had no idea about the sweatshirt issue at all, just one random thing that happened today..very typical of how the 10yo responds to things....I love her mother and will not RUN away because of a 10yo we will both grow and work towards something better for her and her mom

When no compromise is

When no compromise is possible and the child gets her way she also gets a lesson. A lesson in entitlement and empowerment. She will grow up to dictate her will to adults inthe house. She actually does not see you two as adults and herself as a child. To her you are all equals and when she can she will try to seize power away from you.

Very dangerous dynamic. Children need boundaries and consequences. It's the parents job to figure out how to put them in place - which is tough in the face of constant opposition. Read some books on oppositional children together.

I understand what you are

I understand what you are saying...BUT...My GF is not a slacker and works many jobs to support her children, The FATHER lives in florida and doesnt even call them on their Bdays or anything. My Gf is a realtor brand new and she and I publish a magazine together and to suppliment her income, she works now 1 night a week as a bartender...it was 3-4 nights a week. I am not a babysitter, I am a proud part of this family married or not and we have been living together for 6 months but have been together for 3 years of whinc i spent most of my time at her house.

I do what i can for her and her kids, I am no deadbeat living off her, I am a partner and her best friend...we work together on 99% of things but she is scared that her daughter will rebel and that makes her wishy washy about when to discipline...Thank you for your opinion

It is a tough place to be. I

It is a tough place to be. I was a step mom for 9 years and now am the GF with a 7 year old boy dating a childless man. Because I have been on here for 8 years I know the pitfalls and realize my kid is 80% good 20% handful. In his defense he has had a rough time and has a a crappy dad, however he is the child, I am the adult and he needs to mind and be respectful...sometimes it is exhausting.

That said, my BF is pretty good with him, he is the child of divorce so he knows the otherside and he had 3 stepfathers in his lifetime. However I know it is my job to be parenting no one elses so I had better parent.

How long did you know all of them before you moved in and why not just live apart and date... trust me that is far more enjoyable

Gotta say I agree with sueu2

Gotta say I agree with sueu2 to a large extent. Your girlfriend doesn't parent your way. *shrug* That's her right. Sue's right about the sweatshirt example - she and her daughter discussed it and came to a decision. You attempted to override Mom's decision by dismissing it when she told you "Mom said". You get why that was a mistake, right? Not because you should have "given in" to SD - but because when you disregard Mom's call then YOU are showing the kids that you and your partner are not a team. And if you're not a team, then they actually DON'T have to listen to you - you're not their parent. ALL your authority comes from Mom.

Yes, the sweatshirt thing was stupid. Yes, a mature child would have just worn a different sweatshirt. So what? She's not a mature child, you KNOW that, which means you handled it wrong. So try not to think that you are a "better" parent than your partner, OK? You're not. You're different - and they're not yours.

I'd suggest you disengage. Don't parent these kids, it's just going to make you crazy because you can't parent your way, and your partner is totally within her rights to do it her way regardless of what you think. Barring abuse or neglect, parents are free to parent how they choose. YOU are free to not deal with her kids though, if you don't like how it's going. Choose that option, sounds like you will be happier and your relationship will be better.

Ok, I think you

lol You didn't have to cut

You didn't have to cut and paste, I was perfectly capable of reading it the first time.

As for this: "dont judge me because I am trying to assit the mom in her daily tasks like a good man would do. "

Good god, where to start?

First, get over yourself. I'll judge you if I want to. It's the freaking internet not church confession.

Second, you posted one damn thing, how the hell am I supposed to "know you"? (And what the fuck does that have to do with anything?) If you only want answers from people who "know you", then freaking ask them.

Third, any "good man" would treat his partner like a FUCKING ADULT who is capable of HANDLING HER OWN SHIT. You don't want a partner, sounds to me like you want to parent your girlfriend. Knock that shit off. You are NOT a better parent than she is and you are not "assisting in her daily tasks" you are CREATING MORE FUCKING WORK FOR HER because now she has to take care of YOUR whiny ass too.

I DID tell him to disengage.

I DID tell him to disengage. Exactly the advice I'd have given a SM actually. Only when he started posting the "you don't even knooooow me, you're so meeeeeeaaaan, wah wah wah" whiny crap did I start to think he's pulling the same sort of nonsense on his poor partner. *shrug* So yeah, I called him on it.

You chose to judge, I did

You chose to judge, I did take your advice and that has been the tactic so far but has not worked, the child minds for a moment then goes back to her old ways, I was taught old school that you respect your Mother and that is all I am trying to work on...I dont care if she respects me, I can disengage myself from that and if wanting her to respect her mom is such a bad thing then you are mixed up.

I was not WHINING, i was stating that you made a generalization without knowing the whole story, i simply asked for some constructive advice to try, no parent is perfect and i am not for sure,

Anyway, you have a great day and I will continue to try and disengage but its difficult when you care

Oh boy..you are bitter lol.

Oh boy..you are bitter lol. Anyway, We take care of each other we are very close that way, She works a lot and I work alot, so when there is a need to be filled, we fill it, like cooking, cleaning, etc. I dont ask her if she wants me to do those things, i do them and ya that makes me a good guy whether you have ever known one or not. She does the same for me because she is a good woman...all I am saying is that i want to understand the daughter better so I can be part of things, if I sit back and just play video games and dont interact then I am not doing my part. She can handle her own shit with or without me, but we work together and do things for each other.

I have raised 3 kids and have been through some of the things she is dealing with and does that make me a better parent...HELL NO, but i want to be there for her kids and her....I know you are probably a person with some common sense, but being a bitch is no way to present an argument. I love my GF and her kids unconditionally and will work to make myself a better person in their lives. THAT IS WHY I PRESENTED THIS in this forum for advice, not to be treated like shit. Yup it was my side of the story and that is all i can offer since the other side of the story was not known until after the event happened....thank you for your opinions

eyeroll Yeah, the bitter

*eyeroll* Yeah, the bitter thing is original.

That was a MUCH better post, and much more to the point. It's great that you've raised 3 kids, and can offer your partner some tips of what worked for you. Obviously (and I think you know this) what works for one kid doesn't necessarily work for another, so she has to take your advice with a grain of salt.

I do think it's nice that you try to help as long as you're not trying to make her do things your way. But my original advice stands - helping with the day to day stuff as you've been doing is not helpful. Sure, you got your GF some extra sleep (sort of, since SD woke her up anyway), but at what cost? She got to go back to bed and now you're here posting how much the whole thing upset you. Sooner or later all this "helping" is going to end your relationship.

That's what we're telling you, and that's really what you need to take away here. There is no way to keep on your current path and have this work. You seem to be asking for some magic advice to make SD a different person, or at least act differently with you. There isn't. She is who she is. The ONLY person you can control is YOU. You're not happy with what you're doing or you wouldn't have posted here. So stop. Step back. Stop doing ANY parenting, because even if you think it's "helping" in the short term, in the long term it's going to cost you your relationship.

Really? I know my previous

Really? I know my previous post was harsh, but I thought I HAD settled down by this one...

*sigh*

Not a good day. OP, sincerely, I do apologize. While I stand by the content, my delivery was off. I'll stay off this thread, I suspect that's best, but I do wish you the best of luck with your SD!

Regardless if the mom told

Regardless if the mom told her earlier in the week she could wear the shirt sometimes things don't go as planned and instead of taking direction from the adult the kid went and got her way with her mommy. You wouldn't be in the position of having this happen if you weren't trying to "help" her. Don't help her, she is the parent, not you and she needs to get up and get her kids ready for school, as you can see the plan to be nice backfired. She can deal with clothes not being washed, kids being shits and her being tired, that is the job she took on when she decided to have kids.

Additionally I find that instead of asking what women want help with men sometimes pick random things and end up picking the wrong thing. My SO does this to me all the time and I tell him instead of randomly picking something that you "think" I need help with ASK me what I need help with.

Did your SO assume you were helping out with her kids because she worked late, why wasn't she automatically up and about taking care of her own kids?

She did get up and i asked

She did get up and i asked her to go rest and i would help with the kids...everyone is missing the BIG PICTURE...this is every day with the 10yo whether mom is right there or not. I was simply asking for advice on how I should deal with it, not asking to be judged...if you saw the whole picture over the last 3 years, you would see that there is an issue...yes i am partially to blame, because i was raised in a normal houshold with rules and consequences, her son is very open to me and we dont see eye to eye on everything but he does as he is asked regardless of if its myself of her.

Did he remove it? I don't

Did he remove it? I don't see a tagline. What is it?

lol Thanks for pointing

Thanks for pointing that out, you're right, it's great!

Where is Draco? I think he

Where is Draco? I think he would be able to give this guy some good advice.

What ever happened to Orange

What ever happened to Orange County?

Hasn't posted here in a

Hasn't posted here in a while. I miss OC, I hope he's OK!

I miss him too! Let's send a

I miss him too! Let's send a search party.

I think OC does not post

I think OC does not post anymore because one of the regulars here started making fun and chastising him every time he posted the disengage essay. Like it was a bad thing or something. He probably got tired of her crap.

Then let's exchange her for

Then let's exchange her for him! OCC, please come back! Your step- country needs you!

Oh and OP...you do need to

Oh and OP...you do need to disengage. You are this just this childs mothers shack up. No judgment here, but I am sure that is the way the child sees it. Let mom take care of her kids.

Thank you everyone, I will

Thank you everyone, I will look at everything I am doing and keep trying to disengage...but as one person said, I AM NOT A SHACK UP!!! just because we are not married means nothing...marriage is over rated and we both agree on that lol.

Lastly I would like to say, that the SD has issues with me because she still does not understand why her father is not in her life...they have been apart for 6 or 7 years of her 10 year life and she sees him maybe once a year for a cpl hours because he wont take time for her...her mom wants him to be in her life and he wont...So that being said, I am a stranger in her otherwise mixed up world and her mom is doing the best she can to counteract anything that would resembel her broken child hood. I love Mom, I love both kids just want to do right by them

She might consider counseling

She might consider counseling for the kids.

I agree counselling or

I agree counselling or therapy may well be needed. A little girl whose daddy has left is a definite case for therapy.

I'd love to ask if anyone has told her in an age appropriate manner why daddy is MIA? If I'm not prying too much?

Her mother has told her, but

Her mother has told her, but she is in denial - only sees him at one holiday a year for a couple hours and thats only if WE go to florida which we do but there is no effort and the 10yo has mad no qualms about telling me im not her dad and that i take time away from her and her mom, which is untrue, i am the last person thta getts moms attention lol. i digress, I have not asked mom about therapy, she needs to make that decision on her own whats best for hewr daughter in that respect. I just want the daughter to understand I am not there to take mom away or replace dad, i am ther eto help and be a person she can trust to talk to and to know that when i say something it is what the mom has asked them to do previously.

You are right, there is no

You are right, there is no communication going on here. But I also think you could have been a little more flexible.

So what the girls wants to wear the sweatshirt her mom said she could wear? You don't know, maybe this was a "special sweatshirt" that she had her heart set on wearing. Plus, all she knows is that her mom told her she could wear it.

What you could have done was say okay, and find the boy another sweatshirt, which is what you wound up doing anyway. Yes, SD should not have run to her mother, but that is because your GF has not told her children to listen to you.

If you don't want to disengage, my suggestion is this - Your GF needs to step up and tell the children that when she is away or sleeping that you are in charge and they need to listen to you. It's no different than if they were being watched by a babysitter. You are in charge and they are not to run to her or question your authority.

If there is some miscommunication that is something you and your GF can iron out after the fact. But I also think you need to pick your battles. Unless SD lies all the time, if she says "Mom said I could do this." you should believe her and let her do it. (within reason of course)

This happened to my boyfriend when he picked my DD9 up from school. She told him that I let her sit in the front seat. My BF didn't believe her and made her sit in the backseat. Now, my daughter listened to him and did what he told her to do, but that was because I tell her that she has to listen to him.

Later on when my BF found out that DD9 was telling him the truth, he apologized to her for not believing her, but I told both of them that it doesn't matter. If I'm not around, he is in charge and she is to listen to him.

Definitely need to improve communication between you and your GF. And ya'll both need to present a united front to the children. Even if ya'll disagree, ya'll hash it out where the kids can't see it.

Thank you, That is the kind

Thank you,

That is the kind of info i was looking for. There is a lack of communication and because of her busy work schedule, we do not always talk about those little things that may or may not be important. big issues and plans for the next day and event are what we discuss. the kids are always involved in planning as they are very busy with school and her son has several after school activities. It was not about lying or not, but she does tend to try and make me believe that some things are different than what they seem. She is a manipulator and her brother sees it every day. He is a kid that is totally independent, he has ADHD, unmedicated because its not necessary but he is very forgetful and off in lala land a lot lol. but he complains to his mom all the time how she gets her way no matter what and well it ends up that he is just complaining i guess.

We have and still do on many occasions, sit down and present the united front, but after all is said and done, the daughter manipulates her mom and still gets her way and when mom is not available she slants the truth to make it in her favor. Al the advice in the world will not make it better, but i can use it and hope to make a difference and make life happy.

I dont make them follow rules that I make myself, only enforce the ones their mom makes and sometimes she forgets and is not available for clrification and im not going to call her and ask everytime...we both work different hours and we have to help each other...any way thank you all again!!

I'm confused. Why do you

I'm confused. Why do you need to call GF for clarification?

You and GF sit down and discuss the rules. Then ya'll tell the kids what the rules are. You've had kids before, you know how it is. Once the rules are outlined, I don't see how GF could forget them. :?

Say for example, if bedtime if 9pm, that's what bedtime is. Sure, GF might let them stay up late to watch a movie one night, but if that's the case, she needs to let you know, even if it's a quick text.

And if you're the one getting them to bed and they said "Mom said we could stay up late to watch this movie." you make a judgment call. Either you believe them, or you say "Well, I am in charge right now and I'm saying you guys have to go to bed at 9pm like always."

I don't see why that would be that hard, unless your GF keeps changing what she tells the kids and doesn't tell you. If that's the case, then you don't have a "child from a broken household" problem, you have a "GF that can't parent or communicate" problem.

And that whole "you're not my dad" line? Again, your GF needs to put a stop to that. I've told my girls about my BF, "He is not your dad, but you will respect him like any other adult in your life."

"It's probably because she

"It's probably because she didn't take the rules seriously to begin with."

HA! Good point!

OP, IMHO, you are making a

OP, IMHO, you are making a HUUUUGE mountain out of a molehill. I only have your post and replies to give me insight into your character, but this seems to be how you roll.

You can't, and shouldn't try to, 'fix' the problems your SD has due to her father, or postulate theories as to why or wherefore SD behaves the way she does.

What you SHOULD be doing, is dealing with it.

If your partner is a great parent, then you shouldn't have these issues happening on a regular and ongoing basis. If she's not, then talk with her to find out how you can work together to help her reach her parenting goals. Maybe she would prefer that you stepped back. Maybe she would like to make some changes.

But all you can do is deal with the situation in front of you, in the moment.

There are two kinds of parenting at play here:

First, there's the 'talking' parenting. That's when you talk together about issues or chores or grades or schedules and when you deliver talks about stranger danger and how to get over a first broken heart. These are important. You can have these talks to get things running more smoothly in the morning, to explain expectations, and to discuss any obstacles to success. This is often difficult for the step parent to do, usually the bio parent needs to take a firm lead. (If they're smart, after talking with the step ;))

Second, there's the 'dealing with it' parenting. I say parenting, but really - anyone, any time. You have boundaries, you enforce them. If you're ok with SD yelling and being disrespectful, then do what you're doing. But if you don't like it, you take YOUR steps to put an end to it. Just like how you'd treat a jerk at the bar or a nasty client. Polite, firm, and do not get sucked into the drama.

It is really hard to give a

It is really hard to give a person advice when they come directly out of the gate defensive at every suggestion.

But the girl really is a product of what she is allowed to get away with from her mother. Co-sleeping is not good. Letting the kid be messy, etc. is all on the mother.

You seem to be trying to overcompensate in the parenting department and that will cause her to resent you. It is a thin line to walk.

Of course, we cannot know you and your entire situation. But you shouldn't get mad/defensive because you aren't getting the answers you want based off the little bit you have posted.

I'd say from what you have posted, it is about 70% the mom's fault, 20% your fault and 10% the girl's fault.

As the mother of a girl12 and

As the mother of a girl12 and boy13, I disagree with a lot of things that have been said here.

My daughter is a LOT like your sd. As a matter of fact, it probably started around 10 and I've been dealing with it for two years. If I'm being honest, shit went down hill on her 3rd birthday and I've been trying to get a handle on it ever since. She was a GLORIOUS baby, though.

I've been a single mom since she was 5. Her dad is halfheartedly involved but I currently have the kids 24/7. I also homeschool, so I get to spend alllllllllll day with her. My daughter tries to control everyone, from me, to bro, to the dog and cat... She loves to be in charge. She has attitude and will try to manipulate us into following her will. Sometimes, it's comical. Other times, it's SUPER frustrating, because she wears me out. And brother gets tired of it as well. I admit, from time to time, she pulls one over on me. This is not bad parenting. This is statistics. Eventually, a lie will work, a story will seem true, a manipulation will happen, and then it's even more work to tackle it in the future, because once they get away with something, they realize it's possible and keep working at it.

My daughter is also an amazing singer, guitarist, artist, dancer, designer, party planner, and is super crafty. She is very giving and loving, and when called on her mess, she is realizing what she's doing and that people don't like it. But, that is after two years. It has been a long road, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I would not suggest you disengage unless this is what your gf wants. I *love* getting support and back up with my kids. I'm sure that when they argue it's WAY more irritating to outsiders than it is to me, and it drives ME nuts! When someone else can step in and help, it's very welcome by me. And 9 times out of 10, my children respond positively. Even if not in the moment, my daughter will come to me later and apologize.

In the sweatshirt situation, you probably could have handled it differently. I'm not sure what was special about this certain sweatshirt, but I'd guess that you took it as sd trying to go against what you had said, perhaps even just to see if she could get her way. What I might have said is, "I hope you are telling the truth because when I ask your mom later, it won't be good if you are telling me a story." And then find another shirt for the boy. You are calling her out if she's lying, and allowing your gf to sleep in. And if she WAS lying, she has allllll day to worry about what might happen (even if you never bring it up again).

I lied a lot when I was young. What broke me was getting busted by my mom EVERY single time. I finally realized I did not like that stressed out feeling it causes, and it wasn't worth it. Her behavior, lying and otherwise, needs to be addressed. Mom can decide how she wants to handle it, and you can back her up. Also, have conversations with her (sd) every once and a while. Just randomly ask about something at school. Let her know you aren't her enemy so that when you do have to back gf, you are another adult she already respects, like a teacher, uncle, neighbor, etc. who isn't out to get her.

Your gf might need to read some parenting books to come up with good ideas on how to deal with her behavior, but mostly it's about calling her out every time. She also needs to check into what kind of chores kids their ages should be doing. Allowing a child to be lazy is the WORST. Nothing good will come of that. As a matter of fact, age appropriate chores tend to give children more independence and self-respect. Who can respect themselves if they can't do anything?

I agree and disagree to some

I agree and disagree to some extent with some of the comments/opinions...but I'm no expert.

I know this post was awhile back...but as far as your example: I personally don't think you were totally "in the wrong" that day. These aren't technically your kids but as a family man, you were up getting them prepped for school doing what you thought was right - which was make sure everyone has a sweatshirt/jacket, or whatever, before heading out the door. If mom had a discussion with SD regarding specific attire for that day, then mom shoulda been up to do her job or OTHERWISE tell you "FYI, since you will be taking care of the kids in the morning, I told SD that she can wear this particular sweatshirt today". Since she didn't and it accidentally became an issue (like who knew SS wasn't going to dry his clothes - probably mom should've), but SHE shoulda told SD, "sorry I didn't tell him about, its not his fault he didn't know, he was trying to make sure everyone was warm" - that's what it means to have each other's back. You never throw the other parent/adult under the bus with another child. Step or Bio...

And no to a degree, she doesn't have to tell you every single thing/conversation she has with the kids, BUT if she expects you to be involved enough to get them ready for school at least 1 day a week and take care of them 3-4 nights a week, then YES she needs to communicate more with you. You can start it off by telling her the night before (if you're taking them to school the next day) by saying "is there anything I should know or do for tomorrow morning? When I get the kids prepped for school. Do they have their clothes set out, lunches made..." Honestly they seem kinda old enough to take care of these things on their own and you shouldn't have to but seems like at least SD is babied...

Personally, I don't take care of spoiled Precious Little Princess Boy-SS7 and my SO doesn't take care of my 4 BIOS. General household rules are one thing - its communicated, everyone knows about it, adults get to reinforce it. But other than that, I can care less what SO tells SS on a personal level like what he can wear, what he has to eat, how late he can stay up, or what he can do cuz he's soooooo bored - AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T DIRECTLY AFFECT ANYONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE then I don't give a poop.

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Unmarried Living together trying to deal with 10 year old girl