Love my girlfriend - can't stand her son
I don't know what to do. I met a girl who is the perfect match for me. She treats me like gold and loves me unconditionally. A few years ago we dated for 9 months as I was exiting a divorce. She tells people the reason why I left her for almost a year after that was because the divorce had made me a mess. She is correct, I was a mess. I thought I had a perfect marriage for 16 years and then one day found my wife doing meth with another married man. That was all 3 years ago and she just recently admitted any of it (right before he dumped her). Back to my girlfriend, she knew why I left her because I flat told her, "I can't stand your son." I then hooked up with a foreigner who played me like a cheap kazoo for about 9 months. The foreign girl had 2 kids. One of them I loved like my own, the other was a spoiled brat with a father who liked to file false police reports about me. Needless to say I got away from that. So here I am back with the first girl, for about 10 months now.
This girl is beautiful and caring, coming from a family of successful people who, unlike my ex-wife's family, have morals. She raised her son for the last 17 years with no help, or sight of the deadbeat, now in prison father. She has spoiled and sheltered this kid to the point of lunacy. He is highly intelligent, reclusive and a selfish. She has told me for 3 years now that I haven't taken time to get to know him. She made me watch the new Sam Rockwell movie, "The Way Way Back" to try and drop me hints. The first thing I noticed about that movie was that the kid was actually likable from the start, whereas the step-father was a psychotic prick from the start. So, whatever, I know I come from a very strict mother and it makes it hard for me to see someone who basically has let their kid become a jerk, just chalking it up to, "That's just how he is".
She has never disciplined this kid at all. She medicates him and we have had endless debates about how much that really helps a person. I have yet to see anything good about this kid. He is rude and cocky to people and secretly mean to other kids. I have spent years working in treatment/D.O.C. centers for kids and also as a substitute teacher from every age of preschool to seniors, plus troubled kids removed from the rest. Very few have ever made me grit my teeth as much as this one. One of the first nights I was around him I felt sorry for him because my girlfriend didn't want to order pizza so I ordered some when it got late. He wouldn't come in and eat any and she started giving him a guilt trip for not being able to leave his video games long enough to have a slice of the pizza he whined for earlier. The next morning I woke up to find every piece of leftover pizza with a bite taken out of it. Shit like this got worse and I figured he looked at me as an invader. Before we separated the first time it got really ugly. I basically let loose verbally and told him he was a spoiled little prince who treated his mom and everyone else like crap.
I got my head together and now here we are back together again. She convinced me that he had changed and was down to only a 1/2 a pill in meds per day (something she never properly regulates anyways, with him skipping doses when he wants to stay up late with the mad energy that naturally consumes him). As 10 months go by I realize nothing has changed and my 14 year old son always fills me in after we leave on all the sly douchery he has doused him with during the stay. My son won't call him out on it or tattle to his mom because he is never one to make a scene.
I know this is a long rant but I need some advice. My girlfriend's mother blended (BIG!) families and said that if it is a love worth saving then we will know to blend ours. I left my sweet girlfriend's house today in tears. I don't want to rip her heart out all over again but her son's head is another story. I have met no one who has spent any time with this kid, or even related to him by blood that have much to do with him. I realize why he has become the way he is but I am past the point of caring. He manipulates her and treats everyone else like shit. I am hypersensitive to him and it scares me.
Unless your gf starts
Unless your gf starts actually parenting this kid, nothing will change. She's created this monster and is making excuses for his horrid behavior.
I'd have a serious talk with your gf and tell her how you feel. Tell her the changes that need to happen and tell her the consequences that will follow if the changes don't happen.
More than likely with a kid like this, he will probably not move out even when he hits adulthood. So, consider that too.
Yes, we have had that talk
Yes, we have had that talk over and over. The last time I told her that basically I was waiting until my son graduated high school. That will make hers 21 yrs old. I told her I didn't want to be a jerk but the truth is that if she hasn't cut the cord by then I will walk. I am now second-guessing even that strategy. Why build her up for years and years just to be dumped when this kid moves back in (if he ever leaves). She tells me she will never live in my house because she likes hers. Her house is nicer but she only has it because her parents are her landlords. I fear that the real reason she won't move in with me is because she knows it will be the end of Prince Rotten's reign. I don't even let my 25 year old daughter live with me, as many times as she has tried to move back. I don't think it helps a child to support them. I moved out and was married with child at 17, it can be done even easier by yourself.
hA! You are so correct, she
hA! You are so correct, she acts like she is suffering too but won't hold him accountable for anything. I once suggested that she take away the only thing he cares about, his video games and she refused. I am sure that she is too afraid he will hover over her and make her life hell until he gets them back, as he has done in the past. So sad because that was nothing like the hell she put herself through the last time she lost me. I do not want to break her heart but it seems like she is leaving me with no choice.
By the way, it's hard to find someone at my age (43) who doesn't have kids. I have been with women 20 years younger clear up to ones 20 years older and it's always the same. If it's not one of their kids, it's a brother or parent making my life hell. I may just need to finish out my life basking in the warm glow of singularity
I agree it's very very
I agree it's very very difficult finding a relationship at our age with someone with no kids or older kids that are on their own. My child is grown and for the past four years I've been with someone with young kids. It's not working out. I don't know if the answer is to be alone to wait for that perfect one or to put up with endless bullshit.
This kid is 17 year old?
This kid is 17 year old? Even if your GF wanted to change him, it's too late now. He's set in his ways now.
And there are people out there who don't have kids. I live with my SO, who is 43, never been married before, no kids. He has a ton of friends who are all in their late 30s, early 40s, and only one has a child.
Don't settle for unhappiness out of fear of being alone.
"Lovin Life", I appreciate
"Lovin Life", I appreciate the advice. I felt like that is what I did before and when we got back together it seemed like she had really cracked down on him. Now I see it was mostly a show. As far as living on her terms, I really feel it is the opposite. I have always went for strong, tom-boyish women that ruled the roost and with her it's like she would jump out of a moving car to keep me. I think her problem is that she is too nice for her own good. She lets that kid walk all over her. Of course, there is always that lingering fear that she won't be so nice once she has me hooked. Both of my ex-wives seemed like the nicest, most giving people in the world until I married them. The second one I even lived with for 4 years first but, just like the first, throw a ring on 'er and the head spun completely around. It seems like every woman I meet young, or older want to cling to me yet I always allow the worst ones to actually do it. If I wasn't so grossed-out by it, I would just go gay
well I have my own house, I
well I have my own house, I stay there when I have my son (every 3 days, for 3 days) or when I need a breather. I think my problem isn't so much a fear of being alone as it has been a fear of breaking someone's heart. I don't mean to sound like Fonzie but it is true, & is pointed out to me a lot that women go bat crap crazy over me. I don't know why, I am not rich. I really thought waiting four years would be a safe bet with my 2nd wife but the secrets ran deep with her I found out in the end. I think I must have been a real jerk to women in a past life er something- the way I pick them now. lol
You all aren't married so
You all aren't married so there is no life long committment. Breaking her heart is fair game. Especially if she refuses to deal with her son and make him start acting like an adult etc. maybe put a timeline on it and let your gf know if things don't change in say six months u are out. I would not wait years. Don't be that guy who stays in a bad relationship because he doesn't want to be the bad guy.
Yes, with my 2nd wife there
Yes, with my 2nd wife there were red flags but strange circumstances (that i won't go into) cancelled them out. At least my pre-30 mind thought they did. I should have known, really.
Hollow Points, you may be right. I have only spent 3 of my adult years alone. My mother tells me the same thing, "you need to just be alone for awhile". I never succeed. Not because I have some fear of being alone. I actually enjoy solitude and only get out for anything exciting maybe once every few months. I spend my time reading, or playing/writing/recording music, gaming, or doing projects on the house or brushing up on my Rosetta Stone Spanish. I am really quite the hermit (don't say it plz). The problem is, I love women and as soon as I am single my first thought is: "Woohoo! New women await!" What fun is being single if you can't date? What fun is dating if you never fool around? Why is it near impossible to fool around without someone getting their feelings hurt when the relationship goes nowhere? I think I just need to forget women and hide out for this last 1/3 of my life.
Thanks for all of the advice, I dreamed this stuff last night. I think my only option is to back way off. I should have never came back to her this last time. She really has treated me better than any person ever has, period. But, it will get ugly as soon as we ever decide to live together, it did the last time (in only 3 months!)
I don't see how anything
I don't see how anything could "cancel out" a red flag.
Not trying to give you a hard time, but I think the problem in your failed relationships is that there were red flags but for some reason you didn't see them or choose to ignore them.
I think once you are able to identify the red flags you'll have more success in relationships.
For example, when you first started dating, you got pizza for your GF's son and he took a bite out of every piece of pizza. The fact that your GF did NOTHING about it, THAT is a red flag. In fact, the fact that GF had to guilt trip him to come in and eat the pizza, THAT was the first red flag. You don't guilt trip a kid to do what he's told. You tell him what he's supposed to do and he's supposed to do it.
I think there have been red flags in your failed relationships, but you just aren't able to identify them. It's okay, I've been there myself. I dated a guy for two years that had a spoiled, bratty son. There were red flags, but for me, I wanted the relationship to work so badly I convinced myself that the things I saw weren't that big a deal.
Well, I was wrong. Eventually it got so bad I had to break up with him.
Yes I do. I already know
Yes I do. I already know everything you just posted, and much of what is above (with exception of your conclusion-jumping shit about me being, "that guy")is true. I just wanted to hear it from other people so I don't feel like an evil bastage for leaving her, again.
I see that future clear as crystal. I should have not tried this a second time. She really had me convinced that she had changed him. My sister is her best friend (oWch! bad idea, yes) and even she was buying it ... for a while.
Thanks everyone for being blunt. I like that.
Man, I can completely relate
Man, I can completely relate to your situation in more ways than I can probably describe... but I'll try.
I'm 35, divorced, one son (9). Right now im dating someone who is 36, divorcing, and has 5 kids (19, 10, 6, 4, 4). This woman treats me as if I were made of diamonds, chocolate, and chick flicks all rolled up in a bouquet of roses that was hand delivered to her by the entire male cast of the Avengers. There is literally nothing she won't do for me, and when it's just us, I am crazy about her.
I have my son every other weekend. Part of her arrangement is that until she can get her own place (she's actively looking - I've been with her on the trips), she stays at my place on the weekends while her STBX has the kids. With him, he just withdraws from time to time, but he's getting used to the idea, as I am also making sure he and I spend one on one time as well while she stays at the apartment. She is okay with this. She has her 4 living at home kids with her the remainder of the week, and lately we've been making a date night where they all come over and we do dinner with them. They're good kids, but man, it's a lot to take on. She says she homeschools them, but I have not seen any course work done, and since they have no emotional attachment to any children their own ages, they latch on to mom as if she is the only form of life on the planet.
This is where it gets complicated. Her kids are not bad by any means, just unruly. There have been very little limits or boundaries established, as she prefers to have them learn by experience rather than by design. Yet there is never any attemnpt by her to discipline them. It's more of a "what did you learn, and dont do it again" kind of approach. To which they do it again. By it, that could mean stomping around on my upstairs apartment, jumping off of furniture, etc. I've told her that as she enters into this single life, she will have to make concessions in how she raises her kids, but she doesn't want to change any of it. So here I am, trying to balance the two sides of her and coming up more frustrated than not most of the time.
I have the same "fear" of breaking her heart as you do for your SO, I really do. So I understand how you want to be the kind of person who wants to "fix" everything that is "wrong" in her life, but the lesson to be learned here - and believe me, I'm still learning it - is that her parenting is her decision. Always will be. Just as your parenting is yours for your child. If the two styles don't mesh now, how do you think you two will be towards each other when you're together 24/7? She has to make the choice to match your standards, you have to accept hers, or you need to find a middle ground that both of you can agree upon. Those are your choices if you want to stay. If you think those choices aren't viable long term, then you need to leave, no matter how heartbreaking it may be.
My thoughts are with you. I don't read many posts end to end, but like I said, yours struck real close to home. Even in typing this response out, I'm coming to terms with what I need to do in my own situation. I wish you the best.
Seriously, these forums
Seriously, these forums should be a cautionary tale to any and everyone thinking about blending families.