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Sometimes it's a wonder.....

sosmomof6's picture

that I still have a full head of hair, because if I pulled it out every time I was driven nuts by BM then I would practically be bald!

Well most of you know by now about our situation with transportation, money and so on. I look for the light at the end of the tunnel, but it feels like there are so many obstacles!! Not trying to make excuses or whine, we're taking care of business and trying to do what needs to be done....but am I wrong for needing to vent because of the sheer hypocrisy of BM? In this instance, if it weren't for what her and hubby did, then things WOULDN'T be so bad! There would still be problems, don't think I'm that naive, just not as many! I just hate dealing with the fall-out of this. It's not because I don't care about SS, or have his best interests in mind. How do you deal with things when his mother doesn't truly have his best interests in mind....when you KNOW she is just using her child as a pawn?

I really just need to vent unabashedly right now....I've kept things bottled up for awhile. Why does she have such a problem with us? I know she has her moments with everyone, that's why we have an idea what we're dealing with. She kicked her first husband out because she said she caught him abusing their daughter, he says he didn't, and the hospital found nothing to indicate abuse. But she got the PFA on him regardless. Then when she started sleeping with him again a couple years later (while being involved with both my husband AND her second husband all within a week of each other), she accused him of abusing HER, and again, the court dismissed it because there was no evidence. So I don't know how much truth to put into that. But then she also told me once that she pulled a Naomi Campbell and threw a phone at her second and current husband, and joked about it! She really seems like a man hater, which would also explain why she treats DH as she does. But then how is that going to be good for SS?

But the difference in how she is towards my husband and I is that she'll SOMETIMES be humane with them, but never us. She once told us she understood her first husband couldn't pay support at the time because his cat was having surgery. And as I've said, before her current husband went to jail over support, she dropped his case. Yet we mention when we come on hard times, her response to him (and me) is always "Your kids aren't my concern. I am here to see you provide for MY son and that's it, I don't have to care about your kids". Well, why have an affair with a man MARRIED WITH CHILDREN if you are going to hate his other kids?? I feel the sexism is such a loaded topic....we so often hear about guys taking the responsibility for their actions~ having sex. And it is a problem. But if the woman chooses to have sex however and as many times as she wants, well....she can do whatever she wants about it and somebody will support her choice. If she gives the child up for adoption, people will support that. If she aborts it, not everyone does, but some people support that. And you know what....the girl can do that why? Because she's a female. I'm not anti-feminism...I consider myself an equalist.

I realize things will never be exactly equal because men just can't have babies like we women can. But does that mean fathers shouldn't have rights? I say NO, they shouldn't be considered LESS than women. Yes, there are some deadbeat dads....there are deadbeat women too. Say a woman does have an abortion, not to use the term "deadbeat" to describe that, but she is essentially making the choice NOT to provide for the child, which is similar to a Dad not providing for the child. I think Nise said this in a recent post~ the system may have been set up with good intentions...ie, to prevent men from WANTING to be deadbeats and abandoning a child or children they helped create. But now I think it's gone too far...women like BM are hopping on the gravy train and using the system to their advantage.

Now I'm sure I may get flak for a lot of this, but you just don't deal with BM, not this particular one. I've been putting up with her crap for over 17 years. I KNOW she doesn't need the extra money from my husband. That's not to say he shouldn't provide for SS, because both he and I know he most certainly should. But that's why I'm sick of the deadbeat stereotype and the whole "just pay support" attitudes. Because you know what? That gives her EXACTLY what she wants...the satisfaction of knowing she hurt me by using my husband and getting money from our family. NOT for SS, for her. I don't see why DH can't take care of SS without her dictating it HAS to be what DRS says. Example~ she tried to bring up a guilt trip saying how she had her mom buy her daughter a winter coat, and her neighbor give SS one because she "couldn't afford it". Giving her the benefit of a doubt, we asked "Well why didn't you tell us he needed one, then we would have bought him one". She didn't answer. Her problem with that is, say we buy one. She will want that AND hubby to STILL pay all of monthly support and arrears...the coat would just be extra. Well with 6 other kids, she KNOWS we just can't afford extra expenses when we can't even afford the amount of support. Just what sense does it make for our family to be living off HALF of amount of money she makes, and then the state to say we should pay her over a quarter of our money? (that's now, originally it was more than HALF!)

I say this because I've heard about Standard of Living, which BM says is "bullshit". Here's another example of the laws being so "fair"....BM originally tried to justify support by saying it's less then half what my husband's part of her bills would be, if you look at the fact there's 6 people in her household. Now she's trying to deny that, but anyway....so she said before that she divides all bills by 6~ ie, water bill is $100, then my husband's part of that should be about $20. She said if we looked at it that way then we'd see support is "MORE than fair" to us.

Our problem with that viewpoint is that my husband never LIVED with her, so why should we follow the whole Standard of Living thing? She doesn't follow that principle with OUR children, and she already knew they needed taking care of by us when she wanted to sleep with my husband. But here's a big problem...we mentioned to her about how she increased her rent. She used to live in a $600 apartment, and we lived in a house with a similar mortgage. But it got foreclosed on, before she ever got pregnant with SS. So we moved to less expensive. Meanwhile, she gets married again and has another kid with her husband and has her SF move in with all of them. But then she tells us her rent "went up". It didn't happen by magic...it happened because she CHOSE to make her family bigger and needed more room. But even still, there are houses here in town that are bigger then where she's living now that are not much more than her old rent was. What does she do? Decides she wants to live an hour away for the first time, in a house that is $300 more a month!! And yes, our family also obviously grew too. But here's the kicker~ she says my husband needs to help pay HER new rent as it is and take it into account, but if our subsequent children that came after the affair need things then "too bad", we just shouldn't have had more kids. UGH!!!! She says our family "never mattered" and DOESN'T matter, but she wants my husband to provide for her family, not just SS. Is that not a PRIME example of hypocrisy? Paying her the whole support means that she gets spoiled even more and gets to live a better standard of life, while my husband helps foot the bills for it while making our family have even less!!

I'm just very upset right now, after dealing with more crap about how she's not going to give my husband copies of a test that was done on SS, because she's got "more important" things on her mind. Even though, once again, that is part of the legal custody drawn up in the order, and we want to know what's going on with SS. And, of course, more drama about the holidays, saying that if she were really doing things "her" way then SS wouldn't even come AT ALL...she only talks about him coming for a little because we said he "HAS" to be here for at least Christmas morning, if she won't let him be here for Xmas Eve. No, that's also what the courts felt was right and made the order for...shared parenting. There's a concept I don't feel she'll ever embrace. But she only agrees with the court when it's about the money she can get, nothing else. So frustrating.....

Okay, I got some venting off my chest....please realize it is just that

Comments

Nise's picture

You have EVERY RIGHT to be upset b/c at the end of the day, you and your kids (SS included) are the ones who get the short end of the stick! You and your husband chose to save your marriage and that is wonderful! I’m sure that decision PISSED her off very much and that is part of the reason that she tries so hard to screw you over! You and her were best friends for all those years I’m sure that she was jealous of your family and the life that you and your husband had that entire time and that is probably part of the reason that she did what she did to you! And after all that, after having your husband’s baby she STILL couldn’t ruin you, you might be down now but you’re not ruined BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL HERE! You and your husband still have the LOVE that she couldn’t break and your children get the blessing of an intact home THAT SHE COULDN’T DESTROY that is probably why she hates your kids, she’s envious of the life that they have that she cannot provide for her son b/c of her actions!

If you and your husband have legal rights to SS’s information, call the doctor where the test was performed and tell them you want the results, cut her out as the middle man, you can fact the Dr.’s office a copy of the order…don’t apologize for venting, that is what the site is for...I know people like to see constructive rants but every problem doesn’t have a solution and that is life. There are nations that have been warring for hundreds of years and unfortunately stepfamilies are sometimes a microcosm of that…

Make a GREAT Day!

hopeful's picture

I don't understand..."she was jealous of your family and the life that you and your husband had that entire time and that is probably part of the reason that she did what she did to you!" She did conceive a child with this man unbeknownst to him and she is not totally to blame. Do the men not own any of the accountability for their actions? This is what I meant in my previous post last night about accountability for actions as adults. We are not in high school anymore having cat fights over boys. These are adults who made some poor choices and now everyone pays...especially the kids. The solution to these situations are not in who is to blame...that might make us feel temporarily justifed or better but it only intensifies the feelings and moves farther from a resolution.

Nise's picture

I guess I’m confused about what part of my post you don’t understand…I was talking to her about the relationship (or lack there of) b/w her and her former friend…she and her husband have chosen to reconcile but the woman that she used to call her friend isn’t sorry, doesn’t want to make it right, she is INTENT on RUBBING IT IN HER FACE EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS … yes we are adults and yes they both made poor choices, sounds to me like her husband is trying to atone for his while this “woman” if you want to call her that is the one being very NASTY and to me THAT is the prime example…sosmomof6 did NOTHING wrong and is being a VERY big person in all of this in my opinion b/c she could be telling her husband, we will pay but the child WILL NOT be in my life…so I think her approach is VERY ADULT and her ANGER towards this woman who keeps pouring salt in her wounds is justified! She’s forgiven her husband b/c he let her, the biomom in this situation is the one who wont leave well enough alone!

Make a GREAT Day!

hopeful's picture

Do you really believe that the woman had an affair with her friend's husband because she was jealous of her life? It would seem a bit more complicated than that for someone to do that to their "friend". That is the part that I find hard to believe and let's the man off the hook for his behaviour...he who was in a committed relationship. I totally appreciate that sosmomof6 would be angry...she is also very forgiving and very gracious in her approach. The biomom had an affair with her husband...I doubt that she is going to be kind enough to just back off and let them be a family. If she was that kind of rational, gracious, reasonable person, she would never have gotten into this situation in the first place. She will not change.

Nise's picture

If that is a confusing rationale, what rationale is more logical to you?

Hopefully this line clears it up..."she was involved with a different married man with a child. She told me a lot about him. And she said something like "Wouldn't it be funny if I got pregnant? Then this guys wife would find out and maybe he'd leave her already."

Jealousy seems to me to be pretty much her M.O!

Make a GREAT Day!

hopeful's picture

Does it really matter what rationale is more logical or illogical? The bottom line, sosmomof6 can't explain why this situation happened or try to make any logical sense of it? How is it possible for you or I to try to diagnose the sitatuation? In the end, does it really matter why? They whys don't make nearly as much difference as the how...as in how to cope with it all. At least not in any situation that I have experienced. But for unknown reason there is a need for some to try to diagnose situations. Why is this so important? Rhetorical question...no need to answer. If I wanted to argue or fight...I would have stayed married to my ex and wouldn't be on a site for step families.

Nise's picture

It never matters when you appear to be wrong does it? And it seems to me that you do want to argue with me for some odd reason and that your “rhetorical questions” are just your way of attempting to get the last word…if I recall my original post was directed toward sosmomof6 and YOU started this thread by responding to my post to her with your self righteous attitude of my post being a “prime example” of what you are talking about…you’ve been doing that a lot quite frankly…if you don’t like my perspective/opinion and you don’t want me to respond to your “food for thought” that you leave for me…don’t tell me that your are confused by my post, b/c I’m going to clarify for you! And while you’re at it don’t tell me that I’m not a mom (in order to qualify in your book I have to have dilated to 10 centimeters at least once in my life I GET IT!)Also, don’t tell me that I cannot “diagnose” a cause b/c contrary to what you believe YES sometimes peoples motivation DOES MATTER…don’t ask me if I “really believe/think/feel XYZ AFTER I’ve posted that I did believe/think/feel XYZ…unless you want a response from me (fyi…if I wrote it I OBVIOUSLY believe it!)

Make a GREAT Day!

hopeful's picture

No I am not interested in arguing at all. However, I do not appreciate someone talking about something with a degree of expertise about somethingt they have not experienced...having your own children...the bond that is experienced is like no other. I find that incredibly offensive and insulting when people do this! It is like trying to comment on what it is like to be a doctor because I am a nurse...it is not the same in any way, shape or form. If it was as I said previously why would people not be content with their sks and not be so concerned with having their own child with their spouse.

Contrary to what you may believe, I don't really care what the diagnosis or rationale is for anyone's problems...perhaps they do or perhaps they don't...if they need that from you or anyone else, great for them. Sure the reason sometimes matters for issues, but we are not in a position to diagnose each other's problems and indeed the problems of the exs, the husbands, the kids based on the information provided. Certainly if we have experiencecd similar things, it is easy to relate and describe what you did or didn't do...it doesn't make it right or wrong or good for the. Thank you for your comments and I do hope that someday you will appreciate the experience of motherhood and will understand the intensity of the comments that I have made.

Nise's picture

“I do not appreciate someone talking about something with a degree of expertise about something they have not experienced” Yeah I know what you mean…that’s how I feel when you talk about the “unnatural stepparent bond”…how old was your youngest stepchild when you and your husband got married, like 15 right? Already very much set in their ways and so I’m not surprised that you are so clueless what it is like to stepparent and LOVE an impressionable little one...kind of like the difference b/w a teacher who teaches 11th graders and one who teaches kindergarten...will probably never be able to understand where the other is coming from...but stop with the high and mighty "wise one" act b/c in all actually, sometimes YOU don't get it...they were almost GROWN when you entered the scene...so you could not possibly understand where it is MY experiences are coming from (having been with the girls since around the age of 2) or the “intensity” of them since you have never experienced that with them...

Make a GREAT Day!

hopeful's picture

I just read this post today...don't know how I missed it...must have been working. Thanks for the comment that "you are not surprised that I am so clueless about what it is to step parent and Love a little one." I sent an apology earlier for having offended you...I will retract that. My husband and I were good friends from the time both of our youngest kids were 12...yes lots had happened...on our own for a long time. I know that both have there challenges...young children and youth. That does not make me clueless. And if you think that a child the age of 12 or even 14 is almost grown...well good luck. Listen to the blogs of step parents who are struggling with stepkids who are young adults. I don't know what your experiences are like and never said that I did. But as an intelligent, independent, professional woman, I do know that I did not enter this site to be insulted, called ridiculous names, and spoken to in this fashion. I don't profess to understand or know "where your experiences are coming from" and I asked you not to compare situations that you have not experienced. But this is starting to feel a bit like a ninth grade cat fight. I wasn't into that then and definitely am not now.

Remember that when people first come to this site they may be very vulnerable, alone and hurting. I provided way too much information about myself when I came to this site. I wasn't concerned about anyone that I know reading it at all. But then I also realized that I was entrusting my life story with nameless, faceless and sometimes not very pleasant people. I am no longer in a vulnerable situation but there may be others who are.

I have made myself a great day...great kids, great home, great career, great financial situation, great family, great future. Lots to be thankful for.

Along with your nasty posts, I think that is a great reason to say thank you to biomom, fearless (paranoid), Happy, lovin-life, for your reflection and honesty and to some of the other folks who have been a great support and who have entrusted their life stories on this site. You have really helped me to think and make some important decisions and commitments. I pray that one day you will not have to write about nasty things related to sks and exs because that will no longer be an irritating reality, but something that blends better for you. I wish all of you more harmony, less conflict, less negativity and more peace. Seasons greetings to all of you. Have a great future.

sosmomof6's picture

I understand where you're coming from hopeful...him and I have gone over that several times, and he knows it hurt our family and changed things a lot. I guess my issue is that, ok, guys are held "accountable" for having sex if it results in a pregnancy, by paying support, and being "punished" if he can't or doesn't. But BM chose to have casual sex too, so where is her accountability? She gets extra money, when she already has more, sent to her so that she can spend it however she wants. She directly told me she doesn't have to spend a dime of it on SS. So, in my eyes, that's condoning women having casual sex. I don't want our daughters to ever grow up thinking that it's good to do what she did if they want money. And would BM want SS in jail in the future if he were in this situation? Please don't misunderstand....I know there needs to be laws so that rapists and guys who just want to use women do not just leave poor mothers and children in need. I just hate the way the system tends to judge everything on ONE standard, and doesn't take the time to look at different situations. And I'd like to see a resolution for SS too, but I also feel, hopeful, that the fact that our children have needs too is being overlooked. As my husband has said, he takes his blame and will suffer, but to make our kids pay at BM's benefit isn't "justice" either.

hopeful's picture

First of all, I want to say that I commend you for keeping your family together the way that you have. I doubt that this woman had an affair for with getting money in mind. I know that there are some women who seem to produce children as a meal ticket. I really don't believe that someone should have to suffer forever for making poor choices and it isn't right that your children must suffer for this. Putting men in jail for nonpayment of child support is really conter-productive imo as it prevents them from providing for their families AND costs the system more money...useless justice. I hope that things work out for you...this has to be extremely hard for you...for everyone involved.

sosmomof6's picture

I don't think she had the whole affair for the purpose of getting money either, because it lasted for a little over a year. What disturbed me about things is that as she was involved with my husband (I didn't find out until over a year after they had stopped)...she was involved with a different married man with a child. She told me a lot about him. And she said something like "Wouldn't it be funny if I got pregnant? Then this guys wife would find out and maybe he'd leave her already.". She told me in 2004 that she knew having the affair would hurt me and "just didn't care". And that's when she said "I can take every payment to Atlantic City, gamble it away, and unless you can prove (SS) isn't being taken care of then you can't do a thing about it!" I was really upset that day, it was the same one where she said no one was going to care about our (my and my husband's) kids, in their presence. After that we both told her, NEVER do that in front of the kids here again or we will push her out. But anyway, I don't think she started off the affair because of money, but I do feel that she intended to use CS once she knew she was pregnant, because she never wanted the baby to really have his father in his life. If she'd never said that stuff then I'd like to think she has SS's best interest at heart too. I just can't see why else she's so against us directly taking care of him

OldTimer's picture

I TOTALLY agree with Nise. sosmomof6, you have EVERY RIGHT to vent and it's GOOD for you. That's why we're here. And in doing so, there are people here who genuinely care and are concerned. Believe me, I'm one of them!

I think that Nise hits the nail on the head with speculating that BM is retailating against you because of jealousy. See, you and your husband love each other, for them, it was just a fling, not love. BM obviously missed out on that part. She's insecure. Her only attachment to DH is money and SS, but she choses the money over SS. Sad.

You are absolutely correct that that system is corrupt, we see it every day. There are judges out there that are 'by the book', old school, the mother gets everything, yet there are a few 'new blood', next generations that are trying to make things fair and equal... to bad there aren't more of those around.

In another post, you commented that we "must have a good attorney", I'd like to respond to that here, yes and no. My husband and I belong to a legal plan that we pay into each month. It has come to such a great resource for us, because we have all sorts of attorneys and legal resources at our disposal and at a fraction of the cost of going to someone's office. If I were you, I'd look into doing something on this sort and really see if you can fit it into your budget. (Maybe not right now, but for the near future, maybe>)

I don't know what we would do without it. We are covered from simple wills/trusts to criminal attorneys. It's much like a medical network, but on the legal system. I think you really need to start standing up for your rights... but I know that's easier said than done when there is little money in the bank... which is all the reason why we decided to do this plan. We worked it into our budget, so now, our legal cost is actually cheaper in the long run.

I'll do a little research and I'll post later when I find some more info. We go through a plan offered through my DH's work, his union, but I'm sure there are individual networks out there.

'til then, girl... sit back, take a deep breath and relax. Take a little momment for you right now. Watch a good comedy movie so you can laugh, and focus on every single positive momment you have. Don't even let them negative thoughts creep in your way, just keep positive, do fun things, and relax.

Nymh's picture

What I don't understand about this woman is that she chose to have an affair with a married man, knowing that he had several kids at the time, and is milking you for more money every chance she gets. She says that your kids don't matter, but she went into this with full knowledge of these children which were around before the affair and have done nothing to deserve her nastiness other than existing.

You are exactly right, it is a huge double-standard. She has no regard for you or your family (in fact she almost seems to resent them), but you're supposed to supplement her decision to move into a larger home which costs much more? In my opinion, she did not NEED to move into this more expensive home, and since it was totally her decision to do so, she should be the one who is held financially responsible. It's not your fault that she is frivolous with her money. Now if SS is not being provided for because she can't afford things as she is throwing her money away on an unneccessary payment, that's one thing...but if she can afford these luxuries and still provide for SS, I don't see why your family should have to suffer for her rash decisions. Not to mention, legally it's not your problem...

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

sosmomof6's picture

I am trying, Stepmom, to relax...our oldest has her winter concert tomorrow night, so that should definitely help things feel a little more Christmasy :)Thanks for letting me vent....I hear so much crap from BM about how she's always "right" that it helps to know I'm not crazy for feeling the way that I do.

What I don't understand about her argument that we should help pay her current rent instead of the one SS was born into is that there's two other working adults in her house. And since they both helped her pick the place, splitting a $300 difference between 3 people doesn't seem unreasonable to us. I mean before she went for support, it just would have been her and the two kids, so she could've stayed where she was. The fact that she's insisting it's only right for us to pay so they can all live in the better place, while we couldn't even get a place currently that costs the same as her old rent is just... UGH! Like she expects him to finance her lifestyle....that's not just taking responsibility for SS, that's a form of manipulation.

Honestly though, that was an argument she had brought up....DRS here basically just takes her amount of income, his amount of income and ~wham! Splits it right down the middle and spits out the number. The one DRS officer told me that the fact that she makes more is why she would get more....what? I think that is such backwards logic, if the mother is making more then the need for support should be less than if the other mom doesn't have as much to work with and needs more. That's where sexism also plays a role I feel...it doesn't matter if the woman makes a lot more money than the man, both parents are expected to equally pay half of bills. I just don't understand that, because then Dad would have less money leftover but Mom would have more.

The problem with this is that her income was calculated by using her actual pay stubs. But they calculate DH's "income" from what he USED to make BEFORE she got pregnant. So support is based off an amount we're NOT actually bringing in. That's another thing about the system that I feel ought to change. To me that's like if your phone company finds out you got a bonus and says "Guess what? We're increasing your monthly bill since you have more money now". But it's a problem when you're not going to be making that much. She knew how much DH used to make, was pregnant with SS after he was laid off, but gets to take advantage of how much he WAS making?

Anyway it sucks there's these kind of issues for us and every other woman and man out there that is not a part of this site. So thanks again for being here and many blessings to all of you. And we're in the process of looking into other areas of legal help Stepmom, so thanks for the heads-up!

Quick question~ I feel odd asking this, but I know what most abbreviations here mean...SS for Stepson, SD=Stepdaughter, BM= BioMom etc. What exactly does DH stand for? Blum 3 I've seen it used a couple different ways....I took it to mean Dear Husband/Hubby. Does it have a different meaning?

hopeful's picture

Your questions are great! If only there were reasonable answers! In the province, the support is based on income level and can be changed if income level changes. Why can't that happen with your husband? Also, there are certain allotments made for accommodation, etc. but I wouldn't be able to get support changed because I choose to live in a better home. Can't that be changed for you? I wish you all the best with this. Wishing good things for you and your family.

sosmomof6's picture

Good question, hopeful. What they do here (I don't know if it's also like this in other places) is change it once you get the lower-paying job. But if you're out of work, looking for work, in between jobs etc. they still use the old amount. Even after you start working, you have to file a petition, wait for hearing date, wait for modification papers to be drawn up and approved by the judge...which can take up to three months. The same amount remains in effect for that time though. In some cases you can get adjustments to the retroactive, but not all the time. That's a problem we had....they adjusted things when the amount of support was lowered because of the multiple family guideline (which really bothered me that they didn't run in the first place, it had to get petitioned for even though they still knew about our kids). But then his hourly wage has also been adjusted slightly (though still not close to what we get), but the arrears haven't changed at all this time. Since they base it off the parent's income, it doesn't matter to them here how she increased her rent. It stinks!

OldTimer's picture

in that state than here, but I know that here, when BM tried for more CS, it turned out that she was making more than DH (dear husband), the judge dropped her CS, and ordered her to pay us retro active backpay... she was NOT happy... and on top of that, she too moved into her own place which was only done so that the court would assume that she would need more money. But that backfired on her too, because here they use a system calculation based on the standard of living here and the two parents incomes... nothing more, nothing less. If one makes less than the other, it gets adjusted, but of course, you have to file the paperwork though. So, I totally understand about the three months it takes... so slow.

I just agree that this is all messed up. It isn't right. But I do know that one reason that they won't consider the other paying adults in her home, is because they are not legally responsible for the child. They are not legally bond to the care or finances of the child only the parents. It doesn't matter if you have ten people living under the same roof, and you all pay an equal amount. They only calculate for the two parents paying for one child(ren).

One thing that really burns my hide is that when my DH and BM were going through their divorce and they had their first round of CS/CC hearings, she immediately dropped her job so that she could zing DH with CS... when that happened, here they were suppose to take her ANNUAL average income for that year and base the CS off of that plus his. But because she quit her job a month ago, the judge just adjusted her annual income at zero for the entire year!!! That, we've been told, was totally illegal, but we have these judges that make decisions, and do not have to be accountable for their decisions. So DH got stuck with a high CS payment which, just like you today, exceeded his own bills... he couldn't even pay his mortgage, or pay for groceries, etc. His mother and brother both had to move in with him and help pay for some utlitiy bills because of her. All the while, little miss two bit phoney BM was getting her hair done, had nice new clothes, nails, new car, you name it... it was ridculious... and every time he picked up SS, he was in ratty old clothes with holes, or still in the same sleeper that you could tell he'd been wearing for a few days. Chopping on stall old poptarts. It was just awful.

I do think that the system needs a major over haul too.

sosmomof6's picture

I'm catching up, so I hope I don't forget anything! First of all I want to apologize if my post has stirred up anything. That really wasn't my intention! I guess the reason I vent is because I know that I CAN'T really rationalize this or do much right now in the way of changing these hypocritical laws. The frustration builds up. So I feel like throwing this stuff out there is better than constantly asking myself how this could happen. But please don't argue with each other on my account....I think it's good to see the banter here, it gives perspective into how different we all are but how we can have things in common

hopeful, you asked if BM had showed other aspects like this, or something like that. I can answer that with a resounding yes. One way I do think about my part in all this is that even though I saw these bad personality traits in BM throughout, I was still friends with her. She was rude, she was stubborn as hell, she was often deliberately bitchy to not just me but other close friends. After college she seemed to mature somewhat, or maybe it's because we didn't interact with each other every day like we did in school. So as she was having the affair with my husband, she actually acted more like a girlfriend to me than she did before. Like I said, she also acted close to our kids. But that all changed as soon as I found out about the affair. And as I mentioned, she's been like this with others, mutual friends, her husbands and so on...I know she often has problems with her SS's mother, but she also lays off the attitude when dealing with her sometimes (maybe because of her husband, but I don't know so I really can't say). But for whatever reason she is bent against DH and me (and thanks for clearing that up Stepmom!) I never thought of that justice stands for "just is"....fitting, unfortunately!

Stepmom~ wow, I wish we had been living in your state when all this went down! That's what I don't understand, why they won't lower his CS because she makes more and has always made more even when SS was conceived. Did you have different judges between the initial round of hearings and the one where they dropped the CS? I know sometimes it really does come down to which judge you get, sometimes it's a good thing but other times they work against you. That is sad about your SS, I could never live with my kids walking around like that. This BM is never that bad (her house is pretty atrocious though!), but it's still a similar issue of BM's using the CS for themselves and not the kid(s)

OldTimer's picture

We went through several rounds of CS and CC hearings until we are now at a point where BM finally realized that we weren't going to back down until it was a 50/50 'fair' parenting plan and there was nothing she could do about it anymore. She tried and tried to cut our time in half, raise the CS payment, deny visitation whenever possible, and we just didn't back down. We went strictly by the book/order, whatever you want to call it. If it said that we have SS from this time to that time on this day... damn will better be sure that we were there. If she didn't show up, we called her, and told her... you are in contempt of court. We expect SS to be dropped off at our designated location IMMEDIATELY. We had a specific location listed in our order. We never said anything else to her or provoke her, because we weren't interested in that. If she didn't show, we called the attorney, and filed paperwork. And we waited up to three times, after that... it was on. We didn't let it drag on and on.

The other thing that happened during all this was that she would file against us pretty regularly, because here we have to pay for her legal fees if she files... if we file, she has to pay for our fees... but usually that doesn't happen. Usually, we get stuck with all of the legal bills- hers and ours. So, at one point we finally filed due to her repeatedly denying us our visitation, a judge over seeing the case told her that if she filed another 'complaint' within 3 months, she would be placed in contempt of court, again. We also had a 'gag' put on her, I can't remember the correct term, but basically, she was forced to have to hold a full time job at all times, because she repeatedly would quit her job as soon as she would file for court... so they forced her to work. I forget the term, but you have to be able to substantially prove this, and well, the judge himself noticed her track record and stopped that too.

It took us over about 5-6 years total to get to where we finally are, but I think that part of that is because BM finally released her personal vendetta against us, and finally got some medical help for your behavior issues.

So, don't get discouraged. We also got different judges in each round. And again, it totally matters to the judge, their mood, and how we present ourselves. For one thing, you have to stay totally calm, collective, and confident- stick to the facts. My DH just applied basic psychology tactics and stuck with the facts. Also, stand your ground, professionally. We looked at it as "doing business". We kept all the emotions out of it, and BM of course got caught in her emotions and well, each time, a piece gotten taken away from her without fail.