Glad to know I am not alone
I live with a SD23 who thinks she is 10. My BF and I got enagaged on Friday and when she saw the ring she asked what it was for. When he told her she dropped my hand and walked away. She did not say congrats, nice ring, nothing. She just walked away. The next day she was in a rotten mood and her dad said I wonder what is wrong with her...LOL. I knew but wasn't going to say. He thinks it's becasue she was having a fight with her on again off again BF. But I know better. She has been trying to get rid of me since the day I moved in 2 years ago. She has broken many of my things, with no consequences, she is rude, barely speaks (unless daddy is around, then she is all nicey nice!)leaves dirty dishes in the sink for me to clean up. The list of the horrible way she treats me is too long to write on here. Up until about 3 months ago I agonized over this. Couldn't understand why she didn't like me. Then I read a book called Step Wars and it all becasme crystal clear. Since then I have pretty much disengaged myself from her. Now she doesn't affect me much anymore. In the beginning it was terrible. Felt more like she was his partner then me. And she lapped it up. She would come between us when we were on the couch, or come over and make dad rub her feet or her back. We had a major disagreement a couple of months ago and I told him that he needed to choose who his partner was. I said she is your daughter and will always be your daughter, but I am your partner and until you stand up for me she will continue to disrepect us as a couple. Since that day he has been much better, but she has escualted. Yesterday was my birthday - do you think she even said happy birthday to me??? Well for my birthday dinner I suggested we take her and my son (who both live with us, my son is 23 also) to dinner. I even suggested a place I knew she would like because she is health conscious. Now I didn't have to do this, after all it was my birthday...but do you think she even said thanks? hell no. She acted like it was the way it should be, everyone should give her exactly what she wants all the time... this is how she acts everyday. She lives in the basement and instead of coming upstairs to talk to her dad she calls him from her cell and tells him to come downstairs. She has called him in the middle of the night and asked him to get her a glass of water and bring it down to her becasue she was too sick to get it herself. He still does some of these things, but not to the extent he did. He feels guilty over the divorce (which was years before I knew him) and she uses it to every advantage. I don't mind if he has time alone with her and I encourage it, thinking she would see me as less of a threat. But for her it is never enough. Before he met me his life revolved around her, now she can't stand his having a different life. I would think she would be happy that he is happy, but no...if she ain't happy nobody is happy. She graduates in June from 5 years of college and he says she will be out on her own...I think she will continue to stay in school so she doesn't have to get a job....but time will tell. She is very close to her BM who is bi-polar. She and her BM are always cooking up one thing or another to try and either make me angry or to come between us. But I have always been able to see through her and have refused to give her what she wants. She has never even seen me get mad, I just blow her off and go own with my business. When SD called her BM to tell her about the proposal BM got so upset she is chain smoking al day and night...They even try and come between the 3 year old grand daughter and myself, the BM doesn't want me to have anything to do with "her" grandchild and is always interferring. I was to have the grand daughter over yesterday to play with my great niece who is also 3. When the BM got wind of this she put up the SD to calling her brother to say me watching her was a bad idea because I smoke and that she would watch her. Thankfully the SS is a blessing in disguise and sticks up for me, as does his wife. They made it perfectly clear that the grandkid was to be with me and that they trusted me with her... there are days when I want to scream when she is in one of her moods and no one can say anthing to her or she will pull the I am going to committ suicide trick from her bag of goodies. She is so manipulative and knows all the right buttons to push to get dad to do exactly what she wants. In the beginning he was afraid to upset her, she might threaten suicide. Now he is differnt wit her. He has been around my 2 daughters who are in college and mostly self-sufficient. They don't have new designer clothes, hell there are days they barely eat, but they are determined to do it on their own. He does help them with neccesities as I do, but I won't let him spoil them with things they don't need, things that are wants. He says that has helped put things in perspective for him and has quit giving her everything she wants. But of course she just blames it on me...fuels her hatred for me. Oh well this too shall pass.
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Comments
Congratulations on your
Congratulations on your engagement.
SD sounds like a handful.. hopefully he kicks her out after she graduates.. as promised.
Congratulations! No one
Congratulations! No one especially a grown SD who should know when to mind her business should come between your hapiness, was she expecting daddy to buy her a diamond ring too? Really these skids and sadults are just too much! Enjoy yourself, your kids are raised and you and your FH deserve it.
So this may be asking the
So this may be asking the obvious...but if she's so close to her BM...why the hell doesn't she go live with her and get out of your house?!?!?!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Because the BM lives with
Because the BM lives with her son and daugther-in-law. They recently bought a house and the BM moved in. The SS can barely stand his sister and there is no way she would live there. She has come between SS and FH many times and has brought a huge strain to their relationship. I have been trying to help with that as the SS is a very nice guy. MY FH doesn't see how SD tries to get everyone out of his life so she can have daddy all to herself. On Christmas eve I went shopping with my son. When I got back I noticed the SD's presents were gone under tree. FH said that she wanted the 2 of them to exchange presents by themselves...but that was ok with me as she spent the night at her brother's house. That left a peaceful morning.
SD still not speaking to me after engagement news
Well as expected SD did not like her Christmas gift from me. I bought her a color printer for her laptop as she is a journalism major and always complaining about having to go upstairs to print. It is a wireless printer and I thought a very thoughtful gift. As of today it is still in the box in the garage...This is the 4th Christmas giving her a gift and she has never worn or used a one of them. 2 years ago it was a necklace I had made for her. Guess where I found it? Thrown down at the bottom of the steps.
She still has not acknowledged our engagement to us. She has told her BM and her friends, one friend actually congratulated us, but I would expect no less of this friend as she is polite and was raised to think of other people not just herself.
So I sit here at work dreading going home as she is on break from school and I know she will be there. She is not pleasant to be around, unless she wants something and today I am just not up to her moodiness and her disrespect...
Living - I would grab the
Living - I would grab the printer and return it and get your money back. There is no reason for you to continue to throw money away on an ungrateful b****!!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
As the stepmother of three adult "daughters"
I absolutely feel your pain. When H and I first met, I went out of my WAY to be kind to them, to treat them special, etc.
They made it clear that H was their "daddy", and I knew that no matter what I did, they would resent my very existence.
Finding this site was the best thing that ever happened to me because, like you, I know I am NOT ALONE. My attitude toward them has totally changed, because I know I can VENT here and just GO MY MERRY WAY. If they want to chase "daddy" around, let them. I'll find other things to do.
And, to hell with her that she isn't talking to you. Her loss.
The more you let it get to you, the more she'll play on it. The BEST thing I did, after I got the backbone from this site, is I told them ALL (after a particularly annoying Memorial Day event) that I would just DIVORCE their dad. I then failed to show up for the annual "Memorial Day" cook-out.
Once they knew I might be SERIOUS, they seriously backed off. They know "daddy" is happy, and if THIS marriage were to break up because of THEM, it would be shameful for all involved.
Honestly, I know I will never really "like" them, they are crude and classless. But, for the few times of year when I am forced to be in their presence, if I can't find something else to do to get out of it, I'll stick around for an hour or two.
I guess we all have to deal with people (co-workers, etc.) that we don't really care for at some time.
Just don't let HER lead you around. YOU are "daddy's" number one priority now, and make sure she knows it!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
So tired of SD running our lives
Well today I am angrier then I have been in a long time. I have tried ignoring SD23's horrible behavior to me but I am at my breaking point. Lately she has decided that when it is time for me to cook dinner for the family that she needs the kitcchen to cook herself dinner. Mind you she only cooks for herself, no one else. She has been with us for 1 1/2 years she knows my schedule, so now she goes into the kitchen right at the time I am going in and takes over. Sunday I had chicken sitting out and she knew I was going to cook. I went upstairs to ask FH a question and when I came back downstairs she was in the process of making herself dinner. I asked her how long she was going to be because I was just getting ready to make dinner and she replied in a very nasty tone "what does it matter?". My first inclination was to smack her, but instead I went for a drive. I was gone for atleast 45 minutes and when I got back she was still in the kitchen cooking. So I patiently waited. it took her 1 1/2 hours to finish. So here it was Sunday night and we couldn't eat until 8:00 because of her. This has been going on for weeks. About the 3rd or 4th time this happened I mentioned it to FH and he said "why didn't you tell her to move over or wait until you were done?" I just looked at him as if he had 3 heads. There is no way she would ever listen to me or do anything I asked. So why waste my breath. I mentioned Sunday's episode to him and he said well her and BF had a big fight (again, she is always fighting with him, sometimes for hous over the phone) and I said and how is that my problem? he says well it's no excuse but i just thought you should know...
But the straw that has broken my back was this...
2 months ago we agreed to keep FH's grand daughter from Thursday until Saturday because daughter-in-law was having surgery. I planned on having my great niece over, she is 3 as well for a sleep over on Friday night so they could play together. Well SD told her dad that she was upset becasue she planned on having a sleepover with her niece on Friday and didn't want my great niece there. First off what 23 year old spends Friday night with a 3 year old, when she sees her anytime she wants?
So this morning I say to my FH that I want to have grand daughter on Friday night as I never get to see her. She usually spends every other Thursday night with us as FH is off every other Friday. I have to work M-F so I don't ever get to spend anytime with her as she goes home right after I get home from work. Now I adore this child and treat her as if she were my own and I was looking forward to playing her and my great niece.
I say to FH, SD23 sees her niece whenever she wants, in fact she just had her all day yesterday and made plans to pick her up early Thursday to spend time with her. Why do I have to change my plans because she made plans without discussing them with us? he says "do you really think she is going to follow through with the sleepover on Friday? She will get bored!" First off if she had no intentions of following through why am I supposed to cancel having my niece over? Then I remind him that whenever we have grand daughter and I can spend time with her she does this. So yes I think she will do exactly what she always does. She will allow my FH to have her all day Friday but when I get home she takes over and takes the little one downstairs and I never get to see her. BTW I believe BM puts these thngs in her head as she doesn't want me to be involved with "HER" grand daugher. Well we are getting married in Sept. and then she will leagally be my GD so BM can just put that in her pipe and smoke it.
So I tell him that I am going ahead with my plans and having my great niece over and I will do thngs with just her if he can't back me up on this one. He just stared at me, so I walked away.
I am so tired of SD23 running the house, doing whatever she wants when she wants with out ever consulting us. If she wants to have a party, she doesn't ask if it's convenient she just does it. We come home or wake up to loud music and all her friends drinking our liquor. I had to hide my good wine goblets because she kept using them even after I asked her not to. She has broken so many of my things and I didn't want them broken. They were very expensive and a gift to me frm a very good friend.
She has no job, she goes to school full-time, this is her 5th year of college. Daddy pays for everything for her. She has no responsibilties what so ever and thinks the world revoles around her, and he perpetuates that by NEVER telling her no. Sunday she told him she wanted his skymiles so she could go on spring break...how the hell can she go on spring break with no money? he ignored her, but I have a feelng she will manipulate them away as she does everything else. We were plannig on using them for our honeymoon, bet that dosn't happen. It makes me feel like saying marry your f"ing daughter.
He just spent 1800 fixing her car becasue she was too lazy to put coolant in it and drove it until the head blew.5 months ago he spent 1500 on a new transmission for her car. And she is not required to get a job and pay any of it back. When I asked her about a part-time job she said she is too busy with school. Ok she doesn't have school on Tuesdays or Thursdays and cetainly not on the weekends so what's the problem?
I feel terrible but I can not stand to be around her. I spend most of my time in our room just so I don't have to look at her or talk to her.
My daughters live 2 1/2 hours away, 1 was here for a visit this past weekend and SD23 made her feel as if she was an intruder in the house. She never speaks even when spoken to and she gives her dirty looks all the time. I can't take it anymore.
I almost left this summer because of her behavior, but stayed becasue I really love my FH and he begged me not to leave. He said she will have to move out when she graduates, but I don't see that happening. She has the entire basement to herself. She has her own apratment complete with fridge down there. She has no responsibilites in the household what so ever and when she cooks she leaves her dirty dishes in the sink. She doesn't clean up after or feed her own dog. The dog is very old with cancer and needs to be put down as she is in constant pain. MY FH and I got some dog pain pills but she won't allow us to give them to her. It is so pitiful the way she treats that dog. The dog licks her sores on her teats and she yells at her to stop. I tell her this is how the dog takes care of herself when she is in so much pain. But of course I am ignored because I am nonexsitent in her eyes.
She is consumed with jealousy over the fact that her dad loves me and can't stand the fact that she is not the center of his world. To list every horrible way she acts would be redundency because it's the same story as everyone elses. Even the flirting with dad, he ignores her but it is so disgusting. Sorry so long just needed to vent.
Here comes Sita's broken record recommendation
Pick up a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and see if that's what you are dealing with. Then make DH read it.
Regardless if your SD is BP like BM or BPD, this book will be very helpful.
And vent away. This adult SD needs to be out of your house. She is attempting to triangulate everyone against you, even a helpless 3 yo.
Goodluck! You are definitely in the right place and among kindred spirits.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
poor dog
how cruel of the stepdaughter to treat her poor dog like that, I would put FH on the carpet and take the dog to the vet and have her put down.
with that said ..doesnt sound like FH is going to change his behavior and SD doenst need to change cuz daddy is okie dokie with it all.
at 23 with no job? no way jose' ..
your FH is an enabler. think long and hard about marrying him living..
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I have thought about it
long and hard. The only person he treats this way is her. He has a son 26 and he is awesome. He doesn't treat him like this. Just daddy's little princess. Things have gotten better where she is concerned, but there's a lot of guilt parenting going on with her. She knows it and exploits it.