I think it's likely that your husband has the same frustrations and concerns you do. He surely already knows how you feel about things. Instead of venting to him about things that he is working on but still aren't perfect, vent elsewhere or find another outlet. Badgering your husband about something he is already trying to take care of certainly isn't healthy for your relationship with him.

I'd give up on asking SS to apologize--who cares at this point if he does or doesn't...the only apology that matters is one that is heartfelt, and you definitely won't get that by demanding it from him.

Enjoy the good behavior you are seeing now, stop dwelling in the past and on the prior problems. Not saying to forget them, but stewing about them is doing nothing positive for you. If you want to disengage, then do so. You already have a plan to get him out of your home, make the best of the situation you are in instead of focusing so heavily on the negative.

Make sure you have a cell phone with you at all times. The first time he takes a swing at you ... 911.
Your DH is trying to fix/save his son. And at 16 yrs old he is still his parents responsibility.
If anything take off with your son for a weekend away to get away from the stress. In a few weeks he will be gone and it will be interesting to see what happens to him. It may just be the making of him.

How is the dog after being slammed in the door?

Followed all of his assignments to make sure they were done, talked with teachers to get him on track, met with SS and school personnel to try to establish a team to hold him accountable for getting his stuff done,
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is where SMs get into trouble. Just see this from a teenager view. His Dads wife is “badgering” him. Not Dad. Not BM. But dads wife. And then SMs wonder why skids don’t like them. Just based off your first post, I am going to say somethings you may not like but I am truly trying to help you. BTDT.

Let the apology go. The kid did Not get violent with you. He probably did scare the crap out of you but that is because he is not your kid. It is over and done with.

Leave his school work alone. That is Dads job.

Leave Dad alone about MOST things to do with SS. The only thing you need to bother dad with is if SS is making messes in the house or being disrespectful to you. But if you disengage, SS will not be disrespectful to you. This I can almost guarantee. Treat him like you are the friendly Aunt. You don’t need to care if he eat, washes, passes school, comes and goes during the day, goes to school.

You need to focus on your marriage and NOT SS.

Don't give the kid a key. He can park his ass on the back porch until you or his dad get home or .... until someone lets him in. Point out the garden hose so he knows where to get a drink. No kid is going to starve while waiting a few hours for someone to engage him in life.

Until he pulls his head out of his butt.... back porch. No cell phone, no nothin. He can get a job if he wants anything but access to a sleeping surface and basic nutrition inside the home. He gets no say, he gets told. End of problem.

He also needs to understand that his presence in the home is a day to day proposition that he earns every second by behaving appropriately.

He chose the behaviors, bring the consequences.

No appology should be asked or required. However, repeated reference to specific behaviors should be front and center on any discussion with him. If he asks why he is not allowed in the home.... "Remember incident XYZ-LMNOP? That is why." Etc...... Lather, rinse, repeat. His threats of violence and animal abuse should have gotten him tazered, hog tied, and frog marched to the cop car in front of all of his friends and neighbots.

At 16 if he does not like the rules and behave accordingly he can GTFO and get a job. No one is making him go to school, etc...... And no one should give a shit about him unless he earns it constantly.

You described my life. I can tell you I do understand and I admire you understanding and dedication but there serious needs to be change here and some genuine help for this step child. Without it you will continue to be the target of his anger. You are an easy target, he doesn't have to love you and he knows it.

My stepsons were like yours and were 5 & 7 when I met them. We actually had a couple good years. It was when we announced we were getting married that the oldest boy started having some serious behavior problems. Husband and bio mom did not want to address the issues. I was being screamed at and told I was hated. he carved the same in his wooden dresser and wrote this on his calendar. He was angry! I am a teacher and deal with children all the time but my students love me so I had never been challenged like this ever.

Unless the parents get this boy professional help and they each expect him to respect you, expect more of the same.

SSs' BM would tell the boys I didn't love them if I brought up a problem like stealing, sneaking alcohol, etc. As adults they each ran to their mom, they had lived with us. BM told them that I should not have had so much power in the house, that their dad should have been the one dealing with them.....good luck with that but it was what they wanted to hear. They also realized that they had the support of their mother to disrespect me. You's think BM would want to try and befriend me so that her children had a good relationship with me for the sake of her sons' emotional health but not in this case. She wanted to be the only mom in these boys' lives even though I had the majority of the parenting responsibility, my husband had full custody and was gone with work.

As adults they turned against me completely, I had done them wrong in their opinion and their mom was behind it all. I was called a liar by BM. I had never meant any ill-will against these boys and had done everything I could for them and this is what I got in return?

The boys now have no connection to their father. My husband's father just did pass away. Oldest SS left as soon as my husband arrived. I think he is still angry because husband did not attend his wedding last year when his son made sure he and his dad knew I was not invited.

Children like this grown into adults with some real serious issues and they stand pointing the finger away from themselves feeling like the victim.